i'm starting to lose it

"Just when I thought I wouldn't give in.. Just when I thought I had it all under control.. Just when I thought I am invincible.. I met you.. My sweetest downfall.." -Roan

Smiling stupidly right now. Shaking my head and showing my being a sport.. Even if I don't have anything in my hands.. Hands up to life! What can I do? I lost against it na naman. Shows that I have no control over destiny.. which by the way.. I thought I do.. Emotions.. Other people's twisted opinions.. F*ckin LoVe! These are sick unconquerable dimensions that I shouldn't even dream of invading.. better yet.. dare of exploring.. Cos I'm weak.. Defenseless.. My weapons are no match for the ghastly beast always ready to ravage my sanity. Haha! Come to think of it.. What weapons do I have? Smiling cos I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. San na ba ako when I was gnarling over my ex? I was better off with that kind of misery eh. Hehe.. Sorry kid.. Di ko talaga balak madamay ka. Funny.. I'm about to use "IF ONLY", but why pa? What for.. shaking head out of defeat and confusion.. couldn't think.. Don't know what to say.. Shoot.. I'm lost.. Lost my spontaneity.. I know though that I'm confused.. and that I don't know where the pieces are.. Where to pick them up.. I'm out.. God.. Where am I.. I don't know what's happening.. Where to now.. Where to start? What's there to think about.. How do I deal with out.. I don't know.. What to hope for.. Who and what to believe in.. What I ought to do from where.. Where to start.. What am I dealing with.. What do we have here.. Whtat I need to understand.. I'd take anything from anyone I guess..

Questions.. Questions..

Oh Lord.. I don't even know what to ask..

Sa totoo lang

Everyday I go to work from 12am up to 9am. I take a bath for long hours and I walk around everywhere afterwards. If I get the chance to drink with my co-workers, I grab it and I stay at the workplace for long hours, until there is no one to talk to anymore. I get two hours of sleep the most and I rarely stay at one place without doing anything. I seldom sleep in my room and I take my naps downstairs where there is a lot of noise from the television.

Before I sleep and upon waking up I puff yosi. I can finish a packet at one sitting and I started drinking coffee even if I don't like the thing.. I'm quite addicted to it actually. I keep myself busy and I don't want to talk to people who doesn't say much because I tend to tell my story.. and they seem to be very interested with it. I watch CSI and Suspense Movies and a lot of Sci-Fi's and I try to avoid romantic flicks or even movies with a bit of a sentiment in it. I secretly get offended by the most petty jokes about broken relationships and even if they were not addressed to me, I get so confused in an instant. I comment on happy stories of my peers so vaguely.. about their love life.. their dates and how I secretly envy couples who has been together for more years.. I secretly shrug at people who get heart-b*tch-broken over years of commitment ending real bad.. Huh!? Ganun.. Ewan ko rin eh.. I'm under a lot of stress and sa totoo lang po.. ang sama na ng pakiramdam ko.

I tried shopping. It didn't help. Nauubos sweldo ko..and with what? Shoes? Ones I don't even use. I don't want to lend it to my sisters because I tend to place them only for display in my room for admiration purposes. I wear them a lot inside the house as I walk around doing nothing at all.

I bought my favorite perfume..the best in the world for me.. but could I even consume two of them at a time? I bought some gifts for my friends and I was so f*cking hesitant and fearful during the purchase because I felt they would not appreciate what I would give. My best friend though, made it clear to me..that she loved my gift. I know she did liked it.. cos I did too. Wow.. that one was a big deal for me. It kind of eased out the confusion and tension for moment in time.

However, I don't wanna go to work anymore. I'm so tired. Even if I'm not doing anything..tears starts to fall down my face. Silly thing is, at one time, while I was working.. and talking to a client.. Tears started falling for no particular f*cking reason at all. The client doesn't even have anything to do with it. Sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko and I'm quite tired of saying I'm tired. I just wanna drop dead. And literally, my head is aching so badly.. and I feel like I deserve more than two hours of sleep. What's happening to me God? I try to look for other past time but I can't. I want to buy an Ipod but I can't listen to music because it will lead to more pathetic reminiscing and more thinking. I want to buy DVD's.. but I believe there would be more to think about while watching.

I think with all these stress.. I'm soon to fade.. GREAT! I've been real busy.. and I want to get some real rest.. I can't stop moving kase.. I don't want to explore my mind.. It's quite a very dangerous little space and a bit being a hazard to me.

Like the a couple of thoughts right now..

"I never knew.. And after I have found out.. I never messed up anyone's life.."

"So, if that's the case why mess up with my mind..??"

"What more is there to say.."

"Even a little sorry?" *asa ko B*bo! saka g*go wag na!*

"Misser" *why?*

"Bakit biglaan?" *mam*tay kna roan! g*go! tanong ka pa*

"Diba nilag lag sa lahat?"

"Sinira sa ibang tao"

"Why justify everything?"

"Unfair..why not k*ll me instead"

"I want Marlboro Lights.."

"Gusto ko din ng coke..yung malamig na malamig na malamig.."

"Pwdeng cherry coke.."

"Hard feelings?"

None right? No hard feelings.. It's all just a matter of me.. adjusting to a f*cked up situation.. Provided by a f*cked up mind of a f*cked up person who has a 100% disregard for my humanity.

"Never would've trusted you were respected.."
"What could've been if I never fell.."

"Would I feel as much pain"

"Would I loved as much.."

That's life.. You win some.. You lose even a lot more.. And some f*cking weakling like me couldn't do anything about it..

"If I die.. would I ever go to heaven?

I wrote down my passwords on my Blank Book.. YM's Imeems, Friendster.. as well as the one from my Locker at work..

"I am humbled.. a couple of times.."

"Humiliated.. a lot of times.."
"Disrespected.. by the one person I ever.. truly loved.."

"Lost gambling.. once again.."

I know I said I'm not good at betting on anything.. I always lose when I gamble..

"All I want for Christmas is you.."

A peek inside my mind
I don't want o think for now..

Name that phobia

I was actually looking for a perfect definition of how I am feeling. I wanted to write an article about it.. but I am not fully composed. I am out of my mind and grasping for a clear breath.. but I could not grab anything sensible. I could not compose a thought. Only adjectives.. Feeling so much betrayed.. in a couple of angles..

I lost 6,800.. Someone stole from my account. I worked hard for it. Why do I lose things I work hard for. Things I invested in.. Am I that stupid.. I'm so sick.. I know I can trust my family.. and friends.. But why can't I just trust everybody with my life..

Maybe that's my talent after all. See.. I was wondering what I was actually ever good at.. A special field that I actually excel on.. Found it!! Allowing others to take take advantage of me.. Not in a sexual way.. haha.. I'm so great at losing stuff..

I got broken again.. Maybe I wasn't fixed after all.

I lay in bed all day... all night.. I didn't wanted to move. I was so confused and really helpless.. Why would somebody want to steal from me.. Maybe cos I give a lot.. and they would not think I would mind.

Will this ever end.. haha! I'm quite sick of this.. It's like having a third eye.. only.. it is open not for ghosts.. but for foulness.. pain.. abuse.. rudeness.. mean people and bad manners.. lies..

I am very naive.. I'm weak!! I could not think of revenge.. I take everything.. Hard blows and kicks.. And I know, that with just a sweet lie.. one sorry.. a touch.. a hug.. FORGIVEN!

Very soft..
Fragile..
Such a woos..
A freaking baby!!
(helpless.. a lot of fears.. shattering body.. trembling hands.. in constant pain.. tears)

I'm just quite tired though.. Seriously, I am.. really quite sick of you all.. What have I done to you? Mabuting tao naman ako ah.. Kunin nyo yung di importante.. Ako pa mag hahatid sa inyo..

Teka.. Tanong lang.. Masarap naman ako bumawi diba..
Nakakasawa kayo.. Hilo na ko..

I guess I'll just have to laugh about it.. There are things in this world that I can't do anything about.. or maybe there is.. I'm just not aware of the good ones to do.. and there are a lot of obvious bad ones but I just chose not to be mean.. Cos if I did.. God would really hate me.. And I know how He rewards kind people.. I would not want Him to smite me..

But honestly po.. Pagod na ko.. Gusto ko na lang po matulog.. Lagi..
Name that phobia.. and continue to live with it anyway..