Blessed Bum

I'm playing Tetris Battle currently and a while ago, I was busy with Hidden Chronicles.. I also challenged my classmates to play Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Oh my.. This is so nice.. My mom sent my iPhone away to have it repaired since I forcibly and stupidly flushed it down the toilet thinking it was that thing that came out of us women every month. Yes, I was drunk that time. But my point is, after it's fixed, then I would be able to play with it all day. I love computer games you know. My.. This is so wonderful.. I'm taking it all easy. I have all the time in the world to bum around. I've bought lots of DVDs so I could watch them while my baby plays in the room. Pretty much excited to finish the seasons of House too. Weeeeee!!!

My Riane is sleeping right at this very moment. She was playing too a while ago. Messed the room and I thought I'd let her do it every once in a while. She kinda over did it though. She rubbed baby lotion all over her face and body and rolled all over the floor.. She ate her powdered milk and spread it all over the table and licked it afterwards. Well, this is a baby proof room and I don't keep chemicals whatsoever in here, so I thought it was fine. And besides, the floor is well kept clean by my very OC partner, Crein. I kinda lost it though and yelled "RIANE!!" when she threw the milk out of the canister like she's throwing it out into the ocean. She then ran in panic towards the bed and hugged me and touched my face ever so sweetly.. saying..
"Sorry na Momie huh? Wak moko aaway huh?"
"Aww.." you might react..
Nope, not an aww-moment for me, since the lotion and the powdered milk were well mixed all over her hands.. Yes.. rubbed it in my face.. slowly.. gently..
Ohh.. Riane.. Just hugged the fury out of me.

My partner told me I was blooming since I quit my job. Well, I guess I can say I'm prettier than while I was working. I also had my hair coloured and rebonded. My partner's always excited to see me. I guess I couldn't blame her. Haha! Kidding..

I wish I'm rich with money though, so I could buy more time to burn on quality moments such as these. I know time flies real fast and my baby will grow up pretty soon.. I wish and pray to God that I could be there for her every step of the way. Well.. with money.. lots and lots of it.. tons of it.. I could buy time for myself so that I don't miss out on every minute of her growth. I'll be there on her first day at school and she doesn't feel like going.. when she's confused.. i'll teach her everything she needs to know about life.. happiness.. sadness.. i'll be there on her first heartbreak.. and maybe kill the guy who hurt her afterwards.. lol..

It's funny thinking about how my trip to Singapore turned out to be. I was almost convinced by a friend to work there. I was planning to quit my job anyway and I was offered all expense paid accommodation and food for a month or two if in case I ever decide to pursue looking for a job there. Great offer, maybe I will.. Maybe I won't.. I haven't given it some serious thoughts until March came. The jitters where all over me.. This is it.. I've finally quit my job and I'm gonna be a full time mom.. Hang on.. I need to decide too.. An opportunity has just presented itself.. Yeah, hang on.. I might give it a try.. So there, I was so sure I was going to do it.. I mean like work there..

So I flew.. I went there. I toured.. I took pictures.. I had fun all afternoon.. But then.. on that very first night.. before I went to bed.. Actually, I was on the floor on a thin mattress and I could actually feel the peas.. lol.. I had my lappy on a while ago and had just finished video conferencing with my partner and my baby.. I was so f*ing paranoid and definitely unease.. I've came to realize.. Is this really how I would've wanted things to be?? Would I willingly blindfold myself to take a shot at an unknown target? Did I lure myself on another gamble, which by the way, I despise doing? Am I that pathetic to lurk for luck elsewhere, when all the blessings I need is right back at home? I mean, He's good anywhere but.. Do I really need to go through all these? WTF am I doing? I'm not desperate?! I don't want to be away from my daughter. I quit job my job so we could be together often and you know.. just maybe work some other time. I was almost about to cry and I couldn't sleep that night, so after a few days I told my friend that I'm not gonna do it anymore. And she was a bit upset cos she really thought I'd live with them and we can pay for the rent together and all that planned ahead of her.. with me in it. Honestly, for me it was a bit of an awkward discussion.

Just now, I was checking for grammatical errors while reading out this blog entry(*) out loud. And as I do.. an amazing thing just happened.. Riane uttered..
"Mami.. you are happy!"
Well.. imagine that..

So anyway.. I tried to enjoy the last few days of my stay in Singapore and oh my.. it was a beautiful country. So clean and indeed a great place to bring up children. I bought a lot of stuff and I never regret purchasing each item. It was a great feeling shopping for pasalubongs I was on the webcam with my baby and my partner almost 24/7. I couldn't wait to get back home.

The truth is, I do want a better life but not away from the love of my life. God has indeed given me so much that I couldn't ask for more. In fact, He's been consistently blessing me and I couldn't be more grateful. I guess, I was okay just the way I was. I was able to survive without having to beg for help. I was okay without having to manipulate others to respect me. I was just fine and Riane is growing up with all the love and care that she deserves during this stage of her life. And more to come, by the way.. from Momie

Going away for 10 days has been a great learning experience for me. The most important thing is that, I'm not about to leave my daughter behind just so someone else could be a mother to her while I try to be a father. I guess my life could be better.. but I'm certain that it will only be as long as I have her here with me. Ugly truth though, I have to go back to work soon since my savings will run out eventually.. and I wouldn't have anywhere to pull out money from. Can't rely on anyone really. One thing is for sure.. My life is for Riane and I won't let her down.. and I know.. God is with me on that one too.

Identification Card Please

I was with a heavy heart as I walk along the corners of JP Rizal, the other day, on the way towards the city hall.. I've been workin on gettin a Solo Parent ID. The sunshine has mellowed down a bit and the rays of the sun doesn't hurt the skin. The breeze was calm and the weather was indeed very fine. As I was passing through a crowd who I believe couldn't notice how the tears are slowly building up my weak tired eyes, I courageously took a deep breath as I gather all the strength so I could accept the fact that I am really going to do this..
OA? ID lang? =}
Yes, the ID is for me.. but the grandest intentions are for her..
I am taking the first steps so I could give her all the best that I can.. all the best that she deserves in this lifetime.. The first steps are the difficult ones.. and along the way.. it could get tougher.. How I hope it's as easy as how they describe it to be.. But it's not.. It's not easy to be far away from the thing that you love most.. Especially a person like me.. Ann's crazy without the love of her life beside her all the time.. Just thinkin bout it makes me weak already.. I'm like a little kid who's candy's got stolen by a big bully and can't do anything about it..

Sometimes, I think of easier ways to get what we need.. and want for that matter..
Hmm.. but see.. Riane's Mom is far too precious and amazing to be engaging in classic kinds of rubbish

How I envy though.. How I hate a little..
Envy those who chose to be with their family and survive with so little in life..
Hate how the wealthiest chose to be away from their children cos it's just not enough.
I'll be in the middle I guess.. Work.. Life (Riane).. Balance..
How I'm missing out a lot of her.. cos I need to be somewhere else..
We can't depend on anyone but each other.. She depends on her momie, while momie depends on her baby..

Must be that time of the month again.. this shouldn't be complicated.. but you see.. I'm just a mommy who loves her baby so much.. and come to think of it.. yeah.. it is complicated..

It's gonna be tough.. Oh, but I have to be strong.. I've always been strong.. I need to be.. I don't like being apart from her.. but I have to go for a while.. and i have to want it.. and this ID would buy me some time for us for the mean time.. 7 days of uninterrupted bonding..

Oh God, I'm missing her already..
How she always tries to run after me before I go to work..

"Watch tayo TV anak?"
"Opo.. Sleep tayo Momie? Sleep tayo Momie!"
"I have to go to work na Baby.. Pasok lang Momie.."
"No! Sleep tayo.. Big hugg!"

How I'd try to escape and leave her behind crying and screaming for me everymorning.. How I try to hold it in all the time so I could function at work.. hay..
How my arms hurts a lot cos she wouldn't let me put her down..
It's fine..
It's great..
My muscles are developing.. She's gettin heavier each day..

I'm part of her and she's part of me.. Distance couldn't keep us apart..

I know what I'm doing is a good thing.. God.. it's a good thing right?
It is..
It's a good thing..
It's all for her diba po Lord?
It is.. a good thing.. a very good thing..
God is good..
Lord God.. You'll help us through this right? I love You Lord..
I have to cry it out now.. I have to be strong..
For her..

I love You Lord.. I know You've got my back.. I trust in You.. I'm leaving everything behind for the mean time, so I can build a great future for us both ni Baet.
Deep heavy sigh..

Anyway.. The ID is the easy part.. The scars and the pain should already identify me, shouldn't it?.. What the heck do they need a solo parent ID for anyway?
Can't they tell it's me yet?

Riane My Daughter.. I'm entering an unscripted chapter to the path of uncertainty.. and I think you must know.. that every page is made with the love I feel for you.. With the Lord's guidance and blessings.. I'll make it grand for you and me.. You are My Life sweetie.. You keep me going.. You are my purpose and I will bleed for you.. ~>Momie

Sleepy.. Nyt nyt..