Blessed Bum

I'm playing Tetris Battle currently and a while ago, I was busy with Hidden Chronicles.. I also challenged my classmates to play Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Oh my.. This is so nice.. My mom sent my iPhone away to have it repaired since I forcibly and stupidly flushed it down the toilet thinking it was that thing that came out of us women every month. Yes, I was drunk that time. But my point is, after it's fixed, then I would be able to play with it all day. I love computer games you know. My.. This is so wonderful.. I'm taking it all easy. I have all the time in the world to bum around. I've bought lots of DVDs so I could watch them while my baby plays in the room. Pretty much excited to finish the seasons of House too. Weeeeee!!!

My Riane is sleeping right at this very moment. She was playing too a while ago. Messed the room and I thought I'd let her do it every once in a while. She kinda over did it though. She rubbed baby lotion all over her face and body and rolled all over the floor.. She ate her powdered milk and spread it all over the table and licked it afterwards. Well, this is a baby proof room and I don't keep chemicals whatsoever in here, so I thought it was fine. And besides, the floor is well kept clean by my very OC partner, Crein. I kinda lost it though and yelled "RIANE!!" when she threw the milk out of the canister like she's throwing it out into the ocean. She then ran in panic towards the bed and hugged me and touched my face ever so sweetly.. saying..
"Sorry na Momie huh? Wak moko aaway huh?"
"Aww.." you might react..
Nope, not an aww-moment for me, since the lotion and the powdered milk were well mixed all over her hands.. Yes.. rubbed it in my face.. slowly.. gently..
Ohh.. Riane.. Just hugged the fury out of me.

My partner told me I was blooming since I quit my job. Well, I guess I can say I'm prettier than while I was working. I also had my hair coloured and rebonded. My partner's always excited to see me. I guess I couldn't blame her. Haha! Kidding..

I wish I'm rich with money though, so I could buy more time to burn on quality moments such as these. I know time flies real fast and my baby will grow up pretty soon.. I wish and pray to God that I could be there for her every step of the way. Well.. with money.. lots and lots of it.. tons of it.. I could buy time for myself so that I don't miss out on every minute of her growth. I'll be there on her first day at school and she doesn't feel like going.. when she's confused.. i'll teach her everything she needs to know about life.. happiness.. sadness.. i'll be there on her first heartbreak.. and maybe kill the guy who hurt her afterwards.. lol..

It's funny thinking about how my trip to Singapore turned out to be. I was almost convinced by a friend to work there. I was planning to quit my job anyway and I was offered all expense paid accommodation and food for a month or two if in case I ever decide to pursue looking for a job there. Great offer, maybe I will.. Maybe I won't.. I haven't given it some serious thoughts until March came. The jitters where all over me.. This is it.. I've finally quit my job and I'm gonna be a full time mom.. Hang on.. I need to decide too.. An opportunity has just presented itself.. Yeah, hang on.. I might give it a try.. So there, I was so sure I was going to do it.. I mean like work there..

So I flew.. I went there. I toured.. I took pictures.. I had fun all afternoon.. But then.. on that very first night.. before I went to bed.. Actually, I was on the floor on a thin mattress and I could actually feel the peas.. lol.. I had my lappy on a while ago and had just finished video conferencing with my partner and my baby.. I was so f*ing paranoid and definitely unease.. I've came to realize.. Is this really how I would've wanted things to be?? Would I willingly blindfold myself to take a shot at an unknown target? Did I lure myself on another gamble, which by the way, I despise doing? Am I that pathetic to lurk for luck elsewhere, when all the blessings I need is right back at home? I mean, He's good anywhere but.. Do I really need to go through all these? WTF am I doing? I'm not desperate?! I don't want to be away from my daughter. I quit job my job so we could be together often and you know.. just maybe work some other time. I was almost about to cry and I couldn't sleep that night, so after a few days I told my friend that I'm not gonna do it anymore. And she was a bit upset cos she really thought I'd live with them and we can pay for the rent together and all that planned ahead of her.. with me in it. Honestly, for me it was a bit of an awkward discussion.

Just now, I was checking for grammatical errors while reading out this blog entry(*) out loud. And as I do.. an amazing thing just happened.. Riane uttered..
"Mami.. you are happy!"
Well.. imagine that..

So anyway.. I tried to enjoy the last few days of my stay in Singapore and oh my.. it was a beautiful country. So clean and indeed a great place to bring up children. I bought a lot of stuff and I never regret purchasing each item. It was a great feeling shopping for pasalubongs I was on the webcam with my baby and my partner almost 24/7. I couldn't wait to get back home.

The truth is, I do want a better life but not away from the love of my life. God has indeed given me so much that I couldn't ask for more. In fact, He's been consistently blessing me and I couldn't be more grateful. I guess, I was okay just the way I was. I was able to survive without having to beg for help. I was okay without having to manipulate others to respect me. I was just fine and Riane is growing up with all the love and care that she deserves during this stage of her life. And more to come, by the way.. from Momie

Going away for 10 days has been a great learning experience for me. The most important thing is that, I'm not about to leave my daughter behind just so someone else could be a mother to her while I try to be a father. I guess my life could be better.. but I'm certain that it will only be as long as I have her here with me. Ugly truth though, I have to go back to work soon since my savings will run out eventually.. and I wouldn't have anywhere to pull out money from. Can't rely on anyone really. One thing is for sure.. My life is for Riane and I won't let her down.. and I know.. God is with me on that one too.

Resting in pieces

You took me in and cared like no other.. You believed in me like no one else has.. You looked and saw the best in me.. You were all that they could never be..

If one day I realize.. how I've fallen so deeply for you, and by that time you may have already found someone new.. Wishing how you could have been my destiny and that I've let you go for uncertainty.. Then I will dream of you with a smile and a tear in my eye.. Twice as much pain as I am feeling now.. Recalling the days of how I forced my heart not to beat for you.. When you are all that I ever wanted to come true..

I may regret ever turning away from something that may never come again.. But the person you were meaning to have.. can never be whole again.. A part of me is owned and forever will be.. But then again.. it's just so little of me that they could ever see..

I'm hurt for I think I love you.. I'm not sure.. Maybe I don't want to.. I need you.. No I don't.. I'm wounded and I just can't hold you.. I've got to let you go..

I've got to find myself for I am lost.. I am wandering amidst the shadows of my past.. I am torn apart.. I am confused and yet I know what I want.. I want you.. and yet.. I feel empty inside..

I am wounded..
I can't look at you..
For you might just be like the rest who came before you..

I'm not sure..
Maybe I'm just restless..
But I hope you know..
That you're perfect..
Just the way you are..

i love You, Lord

My life may not be as majestic as the life of other people.. I may not be as great as some people I admire.. I may not be close to being a perfect child.. but I surely want to offer my life to You. If only I have lived it according to how I see it now.. wow.. you will be so proud of me.. I want to be good enough for You and for my family and friends and for people who.. uhmm.. people who thinks I'm worth being with.. (meron ba? hehe) I'm sorry for offending You so many times. I'm sorry for letting You down and for hurting You by making a fool of myself. I pray that you may help me redeem myself for You and for them. I hope that isn't too much to ask for a sinner like me.. Pasaway kasi ko Lord.. and I'm really sorry..

By the way Lord.. Thank you for the blessings You have given me and my family. I may not be able to see most of them.. but I surely know deep in my heart that You truly care.. and that everything You do and will.. You do them because You love me.. us.. Thank you for taking good care of the people I love and hold close to my heart.. Thank you for letting me live where people love and truly care for me.. I know I don't want to ask for fame and fortune.. I'm not as sure as before where I am going (cos I thought I already had everything) all that I am sure of is that Your plans are grand and that You will be there for me when I get there (wherever that may be).. Thank you for Your LOVE God.. with that.. I could not ask for anything more.. (every GOOD thing comes along with it)

I miss You Lord.. I'm going to church later.. Can't wait to talk to you.. I love you ever so dearly..

Cont.

Just got back from church.. I cried sa song ni Carol Banawa - Stay. I have always liked that song. I didn't know it would hit me right in the heart pala.

UNDAS is all about commemorating losses right? November 1st.. is an "okay" time to mourn and cry. Plus try spell out the word Undas backwards.. You will find that it has always been..

Sad Nu?? haha..

I was tear-jerking talaga sa church.. You know HOW I recently lost someone.. Feeling ko namatayan ako when I lost that person. Even though you don't want to miss them. You, eventually will.. It's really painful talaga thinking about how you'll never see someone ever again.. and if ever man that you might, someday.. You could no look at that person the same way, and if ever ulet that you do see them as you saw them before.. You'd try to avoid that feeling of electric shock sa head, arms and belly kasi you wouldn't want to fall again.. right diba? For some naman, it would be like looking at a ghost na lang. Good thing about me is I really don't believe in "multo" naman kase. It really is all in the head talaga. Haay..

Wait lang.. Good news.. Ang ganda ng hair ko.. Straight na straight.Shoot!! Ang ganda ko na!! Wohooh! Kaso kinakatakot ko lang is, di ako tinatablan ng mga treatments eh. So baka bumalik din sha sa magandang wavy hair ko after some weeks. Either way.. God loves me pa rin. Sige po.

Hola!

A star?

I saw a star earlier this morning as I was walking on the highway on the way home. It was after dawn and still a little dark. The wind was a little bit chilling. I had my jacket on. I was alone. I was staring at the pretty lavender sky and marveled by the bright shinny.. glittering thing right there as I walk along. I was alone and that star was the only company I was having.. except for some fast cars on the road and a couple of silly guys teasing me.. Cute college freestylers.. I thought they were drunk.. They were in their car with loud music on.. Anyway..I said I was alone.. And I was looking at the star.. I was so dazzled by its beauty.. I couldn't care less about the things around me.. I just watched in admiration.. The star gave me comfort and a feeling of ease..

Suddenly, as i come closer to the star.. I noticed that it was moving away.. I was baffled.. I didn't wanted it to go.. I wanna look at it and stare at it for some more.. and I came to realize.. It wasn't a star.. It was a freakin plane, and up to now.. I'm still not even sure if it was ever a plane. These eyes.. A bit like the heart huh.. Believe what seemingly appears to be.. And feel whatever it does, instantly..

I guess things don't always appear to be what they are. They are what they are because that is what we wanted them to be.. We are blinded by our own desires.. realizing later on, that we just have to accept things as they are and that we have to deal with the fact that the world can be very deceitful. Also, that there are stuff that we can't have cos they have to be somewhere else where we're not.. (huh?) We can't change the world.. but i guess we can make a difference.

Life is full of surprises.. I f*ckin hate surprises really. I feel like I deserve to know everything.. If not.. even a little heads-up.. some figures that I'm gonna be f*cked over by stuff or people.. little warnings so that I may be able to contain the situation. I don't want to stand stupidly not knowing what to do when a freakishly new situation comes up my b*tt. I have to do something. I can't be helpless all the time. It's really not fair. I'm a good girl.. I try to be nice.. I protect people I love.. I care too much.. Wouldn't it be nice if people would care back.. (toink!)

Truth is.. I suck.. I trust people so easily and things can be tricky. I am on the process of self-redemption. I'm tryin to accept my fate. I'm tryin to pick up the pieces and throw them out the recycle bin. Doin pretty good at it too. I don't know. Little things mean so much to me. Every detail.. Everything around me matters. There are people very much willing to love me.. Take good care of me.. Make me smile.. Give me gifts.. Chocolates.. Promises made to be broken.. hehe.. You know.. the usual.. But this f*ckin thing inside just wont go away. It's like.. a part of me that I can't let go.. Like an arm.. or your liver or a kneecap that you want to remove.. But just can't.. cos it's gonna hurt and it's costly and it's gonna look weird to the doctors too.. (hehe)

Okay.. to sum it all up.. I hope things, you know.. situation.. circumstances.. and most especially.. people.. becomes fair and truthful and sincere. I just wish everyone in this planet become happy all at the same time.. So no one would ever ever have to lie or feel like they need to manipulate other people's emotions just cos they aren't happy. I wish everyone all the happiness in the universe. So0o0o0o happy.. they'd feel like they need to make others happy too.

With that, I therefore conclude that I am still a little jiggly.. hehe..
(did I even made a clear point in relation with the title? hehe..)

I hate rainy days

Bye Bye

Moments with and without you

***Ain't it a good morning indeed? I missed writing here. That's cos my Internet settings have been disoriented whatsoever..can't edit my blogs. Musta? I have been having a very dull week..nothing much to do..nonetheless, I'm good. No heavy pressure whatsoever. I hate pressure..it's stupid and stressful.

Lately, I have been thinking about the love of my life. We don't spend that much time with each other anymore. I miss Eri. By the way, Eri means my protector in Japanese language..nihongo, I think. I'm kind of starting to ignore na lang sha, kasi lately..Eri is often out with so-called friends..okay, co-workers. They are always out on a drinking spree..work daw eh..kaylangan makisama. I understand naman, but along with it..napipikon ako cos I think that those times should be spent with me na lang kasi instead..kaya un. Yoko na lang muna sha kausapin during weekdays. I don't want to be pissed every time "nakikisama" sha with them. I want to take everything easy. Kasi pag ako eh naging irrational talaga ng sobra, baka mawalan sha ng work dahil sa ka kulitan ko. We both need the money pa naman. We’re saving up for a lot of things eh, and we need to start somewhere good. And if I'll be myself about that matter, it won't be good for the two of us..hay..

I love Eri so much. I'm so happy naiintindihan nya ko kahit papano. Sinusuyo nya ko all the time kahit through text lang. Last week Eri gave me a bracelet. It is pretty. I appreciate it so much, kahit I think, pag pumipili sha is because yun ang taste or like nya for herself, probably. I love my Baby even if di nya minsan alam what I would have preferred instead..hehe. Minsan nga pag bibigyan nya ko ng gift, bibiruin ko sha and I would say.."uuy..Thank you..patingin..wow! Favorite mo to ha..ang ganda.." hehe. But in spite of that..I love and love Eri even more. See, when I give something sa kanya of my choice, talagang ma a-appreciate nya all of them and eventually, loves them pala talaga or at least that's how I sense it ha. Another thing that I love about my BabyLove is pag nag kwento na sha ng story namin to everyone..how we began and how talagang so0obrang proud sha telling them. May halo pang kilig..nakakatuwa. Even after years, Eri still feels that way..all giggly and mushy about the idea of our beginning..

I have a lot of happy memories with Eri, in fact. I just don't know where to start, and even though we may have had a heck of a roller coaster ride in our relationship..I don't care..I mean, I do care a little bit..but that is not what is really important to me. What matters is that I couldn't go on a day of happiness if I'm not with my baby..you know what I mean? Come to think of it..I love roller coaster rides..literally! I remember when we went to EK a couple of times? Baby this with you right here..This is the best one ever! Wohoo!

Kidding aside, I’m happy we are gifted and blessed enough to make things work for the two of us..despite our flaws.

HEY YOU!
The fact is, I'm so much missing you. It's terrible..but you see, I can't let this ruin my days without you. I have to anticipate the days spent with you with love and understanding, so that we can make every moment count. And you know what? I would not trade what we have for anything else. I love you so much..and I'm looking forward for a lifetime spent with you. Mahal na mahal kita Quickie. Ah basta..bala ka sa buhay mo! Ewan ko teo!

Feel beautiful within

***Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a movie freak, I care about animals, I love to eat seafood (except fish), I am an idealist, can be pretty honest, really amiable and in my mid twenties. Most of the time, I don't really care about my image. I often let my hair fall anywhere it does. I put on clothes that I am just comfortable wearing. I don't carry a lot of stuff when I go out, just as long as the clothes I am wearing has pockets for money and my phone. I don't wear a lot of make up. Just a lip color and some powder, maybe a little mascara..and I'm all set (except when I take pictures..I tend to go a little crazy). I value good manners and proper etiquette. I have cool friends. God loves me and my family is perfect. I don't like fights and arguments. I can be pretty messy if my family is involved or the people that I care about. I'm one tough cookie.

These are a bit about me. Can't really complain huh? But lately I've been up and down with how I feel about my personality. I have been trying to convince myself that I am a good person, but I haven't really caught some proof of that. Sure I pray a lot but that doesn't make me a saint. Not that I want to be a saint or something. I just want to be acknowledged in my own goodness per se.

Let me give you a clip from my all-time favorite movie:

Edward: "You could be so much more."
Vivian: "People put you down enough, you start to believe it."
Edward: "I think you are a very bright, very special woman."
Vivian Ward: "The bad stuff is easier to believe..you ever notice that?"
Roan: "DON'T BELIEVE THEM VIVIAN!"

A lot of people may talk negatively about me. I don't really care. But whenever I think of how I am continuously making amendments within myself to be a good person for others, some are doing exactly the opposite (which is persistently trying to make me look bad), makes me want to throw up and say.. "Why bother?"

Maybe a lot is angry at me because I have hurt them. Maybe I am a bad person. But you know what? I don't want to be bad! I try my hardest to please people. I can even be a pushover! I have not hurt people intentionally. Well, I may have had. You know how people literally "ask for it"? I don't know. They probably did that to themselves, unconsciously. I know that people often insult out of improper anger or jealousy, and people who continuously perfect these insults, grow old and fugly.

And another thing, it's not like I go around places intentionally hurting other people, you know. Its not like I have my victims or something. I know I'm not all bad. I know I have a great character in me and I’m trying to find my beauty from within, rather than from everyone else's point of view. I figured, no matter how many times somebody tells me I’m beautiful and this and that, none of it will really matter until I believe so myself. I have to feel beautiful on the inside so that things can really make a lot of difference in my life and my self-confidence.

Granted, there are mean and kniving people around me, but here is what I have learned so far off the top of my head:

1. The best revenge is for others to see how they have failed making you feel less about yourself and letting them find out how successful you have become in spite of their constant bugging you.
2. Don't be superficial. I should not be caught up in society's perception of what beautiful is.
3. Never be envious of others, in fact, let them be envious of me. Rid all of the possible insecurities. Try to avoid comparing one's self with others.
4. Understand that everybody makes mistakes..including smart, pretty sexy little me (he-he, no mistake about the latter).
5. Be humble Miss! Humility takes a lot of courage and wisdom. It can help one be more content with one's life, can also help endure bad times and improve relationships with others.
6. Laugh more! Even at myself. Read funny jokes, quotes and stories too. Cheer others too.
7. Learn to sincerely accept others for who they are so they may sincerely accept you too
8. Be proud of your goodness. Don't change the beautiful person that you are just because people think you suck. However, if you must change, change for the better
9. Make a list and try to develop and enhance special talents.
10. Object once in a while. People often abuse others' silence. Fight for the ones you love once in a while. If it helps, defer with their mediocrity but in a courteous manner.
11. Have a strong point. Don't just yap and yap, stand up for what you beilieve in. They'd be too embarrassed to even argue. They'd either be more furious or will just love you.
12. Be smarter. Don't think you know it all! Be open-minded enough to seek out new knowledge. Besides, learning is fun.
13. Protect yourself. Give the benefit of the doubt. Be a great judge of character. Don't over do it though.
14. Be honest to yourself. Don't live in a fantasy where everything is is either good or bad. Balance everything. Be positive though.

That's about it for now. I'm gonna have to appreciate every single detail in my face, body and soul. Look in the mirror, look at others. I don't look like them, they don't look like me. I'm unique. No one else looks like me, the one and only amazing Roan!

I love who I am! And if people can't deal with this, then that makes me even more proud of my self.

Don't you just love today?

***Aren't you glad you are alive today. I sure am. All the worries of yesterday has passed away. Can we start over? Today is a brand new day.

It's Friday and I am feeling really happy. Yesterday, my Kwikz (a term of endearment my partner and I share..so is Quickie, BabyLove, Pa & Ma and a lot more..) went over the house to spend a little time with me, since it's our 73rd month anniversary. For a gift, I wrote a poem and I spent the whole day furnishing it and really making it..just great. I wrote it in a card, and I have to tell you, I am good writing stuff like that. I gave the card and we had a little chat. We snuggled. Two of our friends were there and they didn't care about what immorality we were displaying..hehe. They were just there, hanging out with us. The poem was highly appreciated by the way, thanked me, kissed me..but then, we had to cut our moments short because there's still Friday's work. My kwikz had to go home, but over all, I had a good night sleep, which is why I am happy today.

This morning, I woke up and I was dreaming about a billion things..good things. I gathered all the strength I need to get off the bed..and when I looked out the window, I saw a cat. A male cat that looked like someone famous. Filled with positivity and happiness, I talked to the cat and told him..

"Oh! Ikaw?! Bakit kamukha mo si Charlie Chaplin ha?!"

It has a weird fur between its nose and mouth, shaped like a beard and a hat to complete the outfit. I don't mean like it's wearing an actual hat but the hair and ears are shaded black in a figure of a hat. Yah, I'm sure. Isn't it weird? haha! It's true! I did saw a cat looking like that!

I have like, the most wildest imaginations and I think I'm funny, and I like being happy. It's so sad how others live their lives making others feel miserable, when everybody deserves the smallest..slightest amount of happiness in the world. Why would some, deprive them of that right? Maybe because they are miserable in their own. I feel sorry for them.

Have you thought about what made you happy today? I hope this blog did.

Roan

The one where I can't open my blog

***This was something I wrote in the word prosessor. It was meant to be for last JUNE 19. So..here goes..

Where is my blog site? I can’t seem to open my page. (Eventually, I did.) I need some serious thoughts writing now! Pronto! Anyway, I slept late this morning(06.19.08)..at around 5 am. My partner and I had some argument over text messages and I was unable to let myself be heard enough, but seriously, I don’t think that was the problem. I know I made myself perfectly clear; the receiving end seemingly doesn’t want to hear me out. It’s just so unfair every time people do that. It makes me want to roll my eyes all over the place. Haaiy..what can I do? I love the the person very much. What am I complaining about then? I’ve been in this roller coaster ride for six fascinating years now, and by the way..I love roller coaster rides..literally. I think I can handle six more..and more..times a lifetime..