Serendipity: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely

My tatay and lolo were rearranging stuff around the house earlier. They were arguing and they were a bit loud.. I couldn't care about what they were doing. I was singing Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore to to the highest of my might.. pa-kunot noo.. and special effect with the hands pa.. But then.. I paused for a while cos the noise suddenly stopped and all I could hear was my voice. I glanced at the oldies and they were looking at separate directions.. I stared at them.. and then.. they giggled uncontrollably. Mga maldita.. They were watchin me pala..

Recently I wasn't doing much. I was hangin out nowhere near this world. I seemed to be in another dimension contemplating on matters of the unknown. I seemed to be drawn to the fact that the world is a place filled with uncontainable facts and hoaxes, truth and lies, surrealism and harmful reality.. Plus a lot more deep words I really could not understand and define. Hehe..

Let me tell you what I was thinking about lately.

I was a girl brought up by the perfect parents. They spoiled me and gave me all the happiness I could think of.. That is why I never craved for anything materialistic in this world. I had it all when I was under their care. When ever I got hurt or wounded, they would take away the pain and they would cure those wounds. It's like magic. They loved me and I was one of the most contented baby living right on that lifetime. I could honestly hear people comment my parents for bringing us up righteously. I'm proud of myself really.. and that's all because of them. I was a happy little princess. I was a blessed kid. Good job parents.

My parents.. they were over protective though. Wouldn't let me play on the streets. They would buy me pretty little toys and would always ask me to share them with my sisters but wont let me take them outside. I wanted to play with other kids and share my toys with them. Wouldn't let me chose my own friends. I had the hunger to go out of the walls. I was so curious. I trusted there were others like me (haha, Tarzan)

Now I'm all grown up.. 26 to be exact. Yhuks!.. I went out of the wall and into a new playground. A lot of weird things has changed since then. I don't understand why. People are mean and people screw other people over. I didn't see these things when I was younger. My parents gave me some clue, but they never actually blunted it out to me. They never showed us vileness, deceit nor disrespect. How I wish they did though.. With all the cruelty I was seeing, I finally knew and understand why they were protective of me when I was little.. I might get hit by a vehicle or something.. Other kids might not play nicely and hurt me. Other kids might break or take my toys away from me. I didn't knew that.. If I understood then, I probably would have known what to do now.. The world has introduced itself to me.

World: "Welcome Ann, meet me.. I'm cruel, selfish, vain and I will hurt you whenever I get the chance!"
Roan: "Nice to meet you world!"

And all the pain started crawling in. They first started out slowly.. And they quickly ravished the sanity in me. I wasn't used to all those torture. I know nothing only but to cry. A bit out of the head and crazy when I'm in pain. I get clueless when I'm hurt. I was a baby once again. Only.. my Mommy and Tatay couldn't help me. I obtained all kind of scars and wounds when I got off from that wall. And I have learned to live with them.. I miss home.. I miss my daily cartoons.. I miss being happy.. And best of all.. I miss my sanity..

You trust people.. Love them even.. But they destroy you and grind your heart into pieces.. Accidentally or with intent. Why? Why can't I bring HOME outside? Why can't everyone be like my Mommy and Tatay towards everybody? I'm such a baby. People hurt me all the time. Maybe that's why I had it all when I was young.. I was destined to give up my happiness for others someday.. (took place a couple of times already).. You know what I was proud of? When I got hurt last year.. I got on track. I was cautious.. I know then what do. I said to myself.. I wont let people hurt me again. I will just be happy.

No expectations. No foulness. No negativity. No promises. No lies. No games.

Wouldn't it be nice if we would always be happy. The last time I remembered I was really happy was when I was in high school.. Listed them down.. Smile.. They're really good..

Christmas: opening presents.. Barbies, Dollhouse, Shoes, A new dress
Birthdays: more presents.. Ice cream, Cakes, Balloons and Sweets
First day of school: shopping for new school shoes, bag, lunch box, pencil case, crayons, colorful notebooks
Rainy days: Class suspended.. Uwian na! Madaming tulog.. haay.. hot soup.. noodles..
Last day of school: Summer vacation and swimming lessons
Girl Scout camping: a night out away from home.. on my own.. not actually on my own.. with classmates.. well.. you know what I mean..
Field Trips / Excursions: baon, manila zoo.. excited for a day off from school, friends
First crush na boy: haha! nag away pa kami ng childhood bestfriend ko.. I was, I think.. I don't know.. seven?? haha!
First crush na hmm..: I remember her.. =p
First day of College: on my own at last.. or at least walang school bus.. hehe, met really good friends along the way too..
First REAL job (that I actually liked): Wow.. Unlimited internet access.. Petics lang.. My own income.. (hmm.. wala pala kong naipon)

While other girls my age were busy with make-ups and their crushes and boys.. and girls.. (grin).. Puberty and how their boobs are getting bigger.. I was busy with my daily dosages from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. I don't have the slightest idea of pain and sorrow. Laugh all you want, but I wasn't even wearing brassier until my senior years in high school. Need I explain things to you? Maybe I wore those sports bra.. Baby bras' what they call em.. Anyway.. I was a really naive and a worry-free little kid.. Then, college.. Barkada.. Tambay.. Billiards.. Beer.. Hah! I learned a lot of new things.. Met a lot of people.. good ones and not so good but tolerable people.. A lot of rude and cruel ones too.. Goodness.. quite a lot of Firsts too.. It's all good.. =) Became curious.. a seemingly tamed little girl.. a bit wild on the inside.. Learned to smile my way towards a lot of freebies.. Whew! Worry free still.. Lazy days listening to music.. Bummin around with the bestest friends in the world.. Watched a lot of good movies.. Partyin out and livin the great night life..

Haay.. good old happy days.. =) Wished they didn't had to end.. A lot of bad stuff ruined those happy days.. Perhaps cos I trusted so easily.. No regrets though..
I bet there are more happy thoughts.. Just got to pull them out of my memory box..
One day maybe.. Wait..

Gyeon-Woo: ..

Just recently, after certain struggles and the will to survive..haha.. I felt a familiar kind of happiness.. Haay.. Just when one is being accustomed to every cruelty the world is laying out in front of thee.. (arte!)..Who would've thought there was something like that outside the great wall of the safe-zone.. (huh?!) Some sort of sorcery perhaps.. It felt like the same old magic, had struck my happy endorphins.. I felt at home and completely back to my old wonderful self once again.. Weird huh.. It's all because of Gyeon-Woo.. Hmm.. Lets see.. him.. ah.. yes him.. I was actually happy again when I met him.. Let me tell you about my happiness..

It was just a couple of days just before the year 2008 ended.. the 27th of December..

hehe.. teka.. I'm sleepy na naman.. g'nite muna
To be continued..

Birthday wish

I am 26.. but I feel so young at heart.. I thank those who sent out their greetings for me.. Those who called.. Those who texted.. Those who posted on my friendster.. Those who tried to reach me.. My family.. My bestest friends.. Friends from work.. People who cares.. (or so I think).. People who were with me no matter what..

Wish.. Wish.. Wish..

Hmm.. Gotta think of something.. Hmm..

Everyone makes wishes.

I, personally, don't believe in wishes.. Lame thoughts to justify idleness and procrastination.. Detaching one's soul from the real world and dragging one's booh-tey in a utopia where things seems to be unreachable.. unattainable. Not saying wishing is bad.. It's just that.. I believe people could make things happen. If there is drive and hunger.. And when I want to make things happen, I don't take cr*ppy stuff from other people anymore.. or things they say.. things they may think of you.. It hinders me from making things REALLY come into occurrence.. for people I'm trying to protect.. and myself as well..

What I'm trying to say is..

One needn't "WISH", but "HOPE".. that things gets better some time soon.

Great difference between them.. Just wanted to make myself clear.. hehe..

My life isn't complicated really. Not asking for any of those.. Thank you.. And could I really even ask for anything more.. No hatred in this heart.. No heavy feelings.. I am happy.. God has truly blessed me.. Didn't He? I'm so happy, could I just die right now.. No.. too soon.. hmm.. perhaps 70 years from now.

Do I really want to die old? I don't think so. I'd gladly die for my family though.. And people worth dying for.. I will chose to die trying to fight for what I love doing.. Life is grand.. My death should be dramatic.. I want to die in a time wherein a very poetic scenario may take place.. and I was the hero of some sort.. or was able to touch thousands of lives.. or even millions.. I want to establish a climactic ending in my very own little fantasy world. An ending wherein I was able to fulfill my destiny.. my grandiosity and my true purpose. Have I lived out my purpose yet? Not that I know of..

Come closer then..
Let me touch your life..
Got a little bit of something for everyone..
A hug perhaps..
It's free..
Just one hug from everybody..
For little ol' me..

Moments with and without you

***Ain't it a good morning indeed? I missed writing here. That's cos my Internet settings have been disoriented whatsoever..can't edit my blogs. Musta? I have been having a very dull week..nothing much to do..nonetheless, I'm good. No heavy pressure whatsoever. I hate pressure..it's stupid and stressful.

Lately, I have been thinking about the love of my life. We don't spend that much time with each other anymore. I miss Eri. By the way, Eri means my protector in Japanese language..nihongo, I think. I'm kind of starting to ignore na lang sha, kasi lately..Eri is often out with so-called friends..okay, co-workers. They are always out on a drinking spree..work daw eh..kaylangan makisama. I understand naman, but along with it..napipikon ako cos I think that those times should be spent with me na lang kasi instead..kaya un. Yoko na lang muna sha kausapin during weekdays. I don't want to be pissed every time "nakikisama" sha with them. I want to take everything easy. Kasi pag ako eh naging irrational talaga ng sobra, baka mawalan sha ng work dahil sa ka kulitan ko. We both need the money pa naman. We’re saving up for a lot of things eh, and we need to start somewhere good. And if I'll be myself about that matter, it won't be good for the two of us..hay..

I love Eri so much. I'm so happy naiintindihan nya ko kahit papano. Sinusuyo nya ko all the time kahit through text lang. Last week Eri gave me a bracelet. It is pretty. I appreciate it so much, kahit I think, pag pumipili sha is because yun ang taste or like nya for herself, probably. I love my Baby even if di nya minsan alam what I would have preferred instead..hehe. Minsan nga pag bibigyan nya ko ng gift, bibiruin ko sha and I would say.."uuy..Thank you..patingin..wow! Favorite mo to ha..ang ganda.." hehe. But in spite of that..I love and love Eri even more. See, when I give something sa kanya of my choice, talagang ma a-appreciate nya all of them and eventually, loves them pala talaga or at least that's how I sense it ha. Another thing that I love about my BabyLove is pag nag kwento na sha ng story namin to everyone..how we began and how talagang so0obrang proud sha telling them. May halo pang kilig..nakakatuwa. Even after years, Eri still feels that way..all giggly and mushy about the idea of our beginning..

I have a lot of happy memories with Eri, in fact. I just don't know where to start, and even though we may have had a heck of a roller coaster ride in our relationship..I don't care..I mean, I do care a little bit..but that is not what is really important to me. What matters is that I couldn't go on a day of happiness if I'm not with my baby..you know what I mean? Come to think of it..I love roller coaster rides..literally! I remember when we went to EK a couple of times? Baby this with you right here..This is the best one ever! Wohoo!

Kidding aside, I’m happy we are gifted and blessed enough to make things work for the two of us..despite our flaws.

HEY YOU!
The fact is, I'm so much missing you. It's terrible..but you see, I can't let this ruin my days without you. I have to anticipate the days spent with you with love and understanding, so that we can make every moment count. And you know what? I would not trade what we have for anything else. I love you so much..and I'm looking forward for a lifetime spent with you. Mahal na mahal kita Quickie. Ah basta..bala ka sa buhay mo! Ewan ko teo!

Feel beautiful within

***Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a movie freak, I care about animals, I love to eat seafood (except fish), I am an idealist, can be pretty honest, really amiable and in my mid twenties. Most of the time, I don't really care about my image. I often let my hair fall anywhere it does. I put on clothes that I am just comfortable wearing. I don't carry a lot of stuff when I go out, just as long as the clothes I am wearing has pockets for money and my phone. I don't wear a lot of make up. Just a lip color and some powder, maybe a little mascara..and I'm all set (except when I take pictures..I tend to go a little crazy). I value good manners and proper etiquette. I have cool friends. God loves me and my family is perfect. I don't like fights and arguments. I can be pretty messy if my family is involved or the people that I care about. I'm one tough cookie.

These are a bit about me. Can't really complain huh? But lately I've been up and down with how I feel about my personality. I have been trying to convince myself that I am a good person, but I haven't really caught some proof of that. Sure I pray a lot but that doesn't make me a saint. Not that I want to be a saint or something. I just want to be acknowledged in my own goodness per se.

Let me give you a clip from my all-time favorite movie:

Edward: "You could be so much more."
Vivian: "People put you down enough, you start to believe it."
Edward: "I think you are a very bright, very special woman."
Vivian Ward: "The bad stuff is easier to believe..you ever notice that?"
Roan: "DON'T BELIEVE THEM VIVIAN!"

A lot of people may talk negatively about me. I don't really care. But whenever I think of how I am continuously making amendments within myself to be a good person for others, some are doing exactly the opposite (which is persistently trying to make me look bad), makes me want to throw up and say.. "Why bother?"

Maybe a lot is angry at me because I have hurt them. Maybe I am a bad person. But you know what? I don't want to be bad! I try my hardest to please people. I can even be a pushover! I have not hurt people intentionally. Well, I may have had. You know how people literally "ask for it"? I don't know. They probably did that to themselves, unconsciously. I know that people often insult out of improper anger or jealousy, and people who continuously perfect these insults, grow old and fugly.

And another thing, it's not like I go around places intentionally hurting other people, you know. Its not like I have my victims or something. I know I'm not all bad. I know I have a great character in me and I’m trying to find my beauty from within, rather than from everyone else's point of view. I figured, no matter how many times somebody tells me I’m beautiful and this and that, none of it will really matter until I believe so myself. I have to feel beautiful on the inside so that things can really make a lot of difference in my life and my self-confidence.

Granted, there are mean and kniving people around me, but here is what I have learned so far off the top of my head:

1. The best revenge is for others to see how they have failed making you feel less about yourself and letting them find out how successful you have become in spite of their constant bugging you.
2. Don't be superficial. I should not be caught up in society's perception of what beautiful is.
3. Never be envious of others, in fact, let them be envious of me. Rid all of the possible insecurities. Try to avoid comparing one's self with others.
4. Understand that everybody makes mistakes..including smart, pretty sexy little me (he-he, no mistake about the latter).
5. Be humble Miss! Humility takes a lot of courage and wisdom. It can help one be more content with one's life, can also help endure bad times and improve relationships with others.
6. Laugh more! Even at myself. Read funny jokes, quotes and stories too. Cheer others too.
7. Learn to sincerely accept others for who they are so they may sincerely accept you too
8. Be proud of your goodness. Don't change the beautiful person that you are just because people think you suck. However, if you must change, change for the better
9. Make a list and try to develop and enhance special talents.
10. Object once in a while. People often abuse others' silence. Fight for the ones you love once in a while. If it helps, defer with their mediocrity but in a courteous manner.
11. Have a strong point. Don't just yap and yap, stand up for what you beilieve in. They'd be too embarrassed to even argue. They'd either be more furious or will just love you.
12. Be smarter. Don't think you know it all! Be open-minded enough to seek out new knowledge. Besides, learning is fun.
13. Protect yourself. Give the benefit of the doubt. Be a great judge of character. Don't over do it though.
14. Be honest to yourself. Don't live in a fantasy where everything is is either good or bad. Balance everything. Be positive though.

That's about it for now. I'm gonna have to appreciate every single detail in my face, body and soul. Look in the mirror, look at others. I don't look like them, they don't look like me. I'm unique. No one else looks like me, the one and only amazing Roan!

I love who I am! And if people can't deal with this, then that makes me even more proud of my self.

Don't you just love today?

***Aren't you glad you are alive today. I sure am. All the worries of yesterday has passed away. Can we start over? Today is a brand new day.

It's Friday and I am feeling really happy. Yesterday, my Kwikz (a term of endearment my partner and I share..so is Quickie, BabyLove, Pa & Ma and a lot more..) went over the house to spend a little time with me, since it's our 73rd month anniversary. For a gift, I wrote a poem and I spent the whole day furnishing it and really making it..just great. I wrote it in a card, and I have to tell you, I am good writing stuff like that. I gave the card and we had a little chat. We snuggled. Two of our friends were there and they didn't care about what immorality we were displaying..hehe. They were just there, hanging out with us. The poem was highly appreciated by the way, thanked me, kissed me..but then, we had to cut our moments short because there's still Friday's work. My kwikz had to go home, but over all, I had a good night sleep, which is why I am happy today.

This morning, I woke up and I was dreaming about a billion things..good things. I gathered all the strength I need to get off the bed..and when I looked out the window, I saw a cat. A male cat that looked like someone famous. Filled with positivity and happiness, I talked to the cat and told him..

"Oh! Ikaw?! Bakit kamukha mo si Charlie Chaplin ha?!"

It has a weird fur between its nose and mouth, shaped like a beard and a hat to complete the outfit. I don't mean like it's wearing an actual hat but the hair and ears are shaded black in a figure of a hat. Yah, I'm sure. Isn't it weird? haha! It's true! I did saw a cat looking like that!

I have like, the most wildest imaginations and I think I'm funny, and I like being happy. It's so sad how others live their lives making others feel miserable, when everybody deserves the smallest..slightest amount of happiness in the world. Why would some, deprive them of that right? Maybe because they are miserable in their own. I feel sorry for them.

Have you thought about what made you happy today? I hope this blog did.

Roan