Lost

Road trip. Been almost an hour since I got on this jeepney. I see cars. I don't know where I'm headed. It's as if I'm back tracking my life. Hang on. Makati Avenue.. Kwago's.. Antel Hotel.. ACS.. 24/7 Customer.. Driver asked me to get off.. Haha! He's going back now.

Alright, let's walk. Hang on, I know this place.. No I don't.. Who cares. The sun's not up yet.. And I'm in a freaking park! Cool!!

The moment passed by

They say one can't have it all. I beg to differ. I had everything I ever needed. I actually didn't had to excerpt any effort getting what I wanted. Come to think of it. I don't desire a lot really. I laugh pretty easily. I find every bit of pleasure from the smallest things. Very much content with what God has been giving me. But lately, I had a weird taste of.. I don't know what it was. I thought it was something real. I thought it was something good. I was floating. It was something I thought I was missing out on. I didn't asked for it. I didn't know what it was until it came. I don't even know why it came on the first place.

It was nice to feel the way I did after being hollow for the past years. It was nice to let go of all the heavy things you've been keeping for a while. It was my strength that kept me going all this time. It was Riane who held me up and all the good things I have. I've been too strong for the longest time and I thought it's nice for someone else to take over the wheel for a change. Especially if it's an offer too hard to resist.

I didn't know why I felt them. It kind of messed me up. Riane growing up added up to the whole stress. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but my baby, she's a hand full. I haven't shared much about her for a while. well, english is her main dialect. She speaks tagalog slangly. A couple of lapses but hey! She's three. She likes Barbie Dolls, doughnuts and Disney Jr. She pulls up tantrums before sleeping. She can be a spoiled little brat but the sweetest of hearts most of the time. She wakes me up in a middle of a slumber just cos she needs milk or maybe cos the iPod is battery low or maybe there's something itchy on her back and have me scratch them. At some point, as she thinks I'm asleep, I'll catch her whisper in my ears "I love you so much Mommy. You're my bestfriend" and then lay down next to me and nap too. I'd sing her lullabies and she'll sing with me. Our favorite's Someone's waiting for you from The Rescuers down under and Halo by Beyonce.

The love that I held in this big chunk of muscle was too much for a child all to take. My friends and family are getting their fair share I believe, even the littlest animals have been gettin preeety much a lotta lovin too. But this kind of love resting in a big space in the corner of my worn out, beaten up, tired and bruised heart isn't something all these people would like to take. It was just there for the longest time.. Waiting for a supposedly right time to work its way out. Then he came around, kinda presented himself.. Oh, this stupid stupid heart, should've stayed in full restraint, but instead, bought the whole damn package. It was jumpin up and down, experiencing all that kind of rush.. pretty much high in its own if you'd put it. I mean, it was just so ripe, it was so ready to fall off the tree. It had to be consumed.

It seemed like he was the perfect guy.. His smell.. His hands.. His presence.. Things that I long for when he's not around. Everything about him was just right.. Couldn't see any flaw. He blabs his way mostly around so many senseless things and yet the sound of his voice was just something you couldn't do without. His eyes. Oh God, I miss his eyes the most. I hate it.

Everyone was messing up with my head. They want so much more from me. They couldn't understand that he was my break from all these. People even used Riane to contain me. I was so busy satisfying my needs for a change and it seemed like I wasn't allowed. He was consuming me at the same time. I was praying to God that night.. Asking Him for a sign. There was no one inside the church. I was asking why it was just me who wanted it. I couldn't see it. I was so blinded by how I felt. I wanted to get away from everyone.. Including him.. Him whom I chose and he who chose to break my heart.

I know where we lost it. It was the time when he saw my weakness.. and that I couldn't really expect much from him. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't tolerate it. He couldn't understand me enough to comfort me right away. He was incapable. We both have different priorities and he has placed me at the end of the line.. Friday, Saturday and finally Sunday night.. until I couldn't wait for him anymore. He maybe got scared and thought that I was cheating. I swear to God I didn't. Maybe he did. He was really mad. He spoke as if he was someone I didn't know. I refuse to believe all that I've witnessed.. But they happened. We both lost ourselves. I was too emotional and he was too impatient. I was shaking and he was just furious. Just the wrong mix and that's it.

My ex's would probably be smirking right now if they find out how I was such a sissy with this one. Oh believe me, I'd slap the b*tch out of him too, had I not been trying hard to be all tamed and nice for a change. Oh, well. I'm still a girl, trying to keep this boy. I probably did something really bad before for me to deserve such nightmare from him. Now, I kinda ask myself.. With all the things that's happened between us, could all of what they've said about him and warned me about, all be true? Oh, God no.. I wasn't that bad. I'm a good person. I treated him well. I cared for my friends. I loved my family. I'm a great Mommy.
I'm a good person, aren't I?
I should just maybe stop asking, cos I might get some more answers. I think all answers should always be nice. They should all be nice.

It's funny how some people find it hilarious when someone falls in love and plummets real hard right on to the concrete ground cos there's no one there to catch em. Or maybe there was someone, it's just that you're already on the ground and he was a little bit too late.
No worries.
I've survived the fall.
I am healing.

He said I'd be stronger after this. On the contrary, I think I'm stronger when loved.. when respected.. These are purposes of life. And when you think you've found it and lost it, it just hurts. Hurts pretty bad. I guess he did a good thing breaking my heart. He saved me in a way. He spared me from all other bad things I could've endured more from him.

Someone told me that heartbreaks are beautiful, because every time it does.. you get closer to the one person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life. Mine's just probably out there doing stuff. Getting busy. he's probably a couple of heartbreaks away, but when I finally meet him, I hope God gives me the strength to rock his world.. cos I'm sure he's gonna rock mine too.

If it's the right thing to do, then why do I feel bad?

Truth is, I don't ever wanna lose him. I was hoping he would be the one. I kind of entertained those little bluffing words from him a couple of days ago. He said he pictured us together, in our own little duplex home, four bedroom. Our kids living with us.. adding one more after a couple of years. It's kinda nice to hear him picturing things for us. We planned to save up so we can buy a car of our own. These things, I know are words to keep a girl holding on. And yes, it worked for me.. Because, as much as he wants to push and believe I am gay, I still am a girl. A girl who's madly in love with him. And in spite of knowing something that he has been keeping from me all along, I trusted him still. I wanted him still. I love him still.

It's nice to plan the future with someone as special as him. But it's just not fair that our past has to affect our decisions. It's not fair to say I played with his emotions, when all I asked was for him to tell me the truth whenever I ask for it. It's not fair to become sweet, nice, patient, understanding and helpless when I've bashed faces of lying cheating no good f*ckwitts before him. It's not fair, that I've given him everything I could to make him happy and make him stay, only to find out that the reason why we got to this point started out as a stupid f*ing bet. It's not fair that we always sneaked out in the parking lot and everywhere we could cos I wanted to protect what we have, when everybody else knows already and retardedly laughing at me behind my back. It's not fair to say that a couple of months isn't enough to say what we had was real. It's not fair to break up with someone who has paused her life just to be with you every single chance she could.. even set aside.. No, I won't go there.. It's just not fair.

I wanna fight for him. But really, what am I fighting for? Who am I kidding? Who broke who's heart? I will just humor myself with what he always pulls off to me as a joke "Girls can fake orgasms, but Boys can fake relationships"

Buddy, I am kinda tired to be the person who always holds on. I don't wanna be afraid anymore. I don't wanna cower in fear every time a bad temper rises up. I don't wanna beg nor plea just for people to stay and hold on to me.

He's right though, this shouldn't be this complicated. True love doesn't have to hurt this much. But really? What can I do? It's either he doesn't want me anymore.. again! or he's just afraid as I am. Hmm.. This is crazy. I think I'm just gonna hold on to what I feel, until it fades. Problem is.. would it? Gosh, I'm missing him already.

Wishful thinking

There's no guarantee that you'll find the one thing missing in your life. And it's just sad, that you have to spend the rest of your life looking for it. The truth is, if you already have found and lost it, it would always find it's way back to you. If not, then pray to God.. He will find a way for you. And now, Let me pray.

Lord, I need to talk to you please. I know and I understand what You're doing for me. Plus, You made me smart, so You should know how, as time and pain molds me to who and what I am now, I would kinda figure out Your plans for us. You're tricky Lord, but I know You love me. I will be patient cos I trust in You. It's just that, this lifetime is too short.. And we're so excited, Riane and I, to spend the rest of our lives with my King. Well, Riane's gona find her own prince too.. But for the meantime, she'll be tagging along with me. So please keep this heart strong for the both of us.

I remember how beasts tore me apart with their foulness before.. Some will still probably try to.. I may need to kiss a lot of frogs too. But I know that when the Volturis come to tear us up, I'd have my very own Edward to protect us. I know Lord, that I'm weak, and can often be too irrational and impulsive. I decide based on fear and I react stupidly on things I thought I understand, but really don't. But when I find him, all these tears are gonna be worth the wait.

I thought I met him already. A couple of times I thought I have. But this one just recently.. I forgot to tell him how much I love him. And as they say "I may have just let the moment pass me by..".

So Lord, in case he doesn't find out. Let him at least know that he is by far the best that ever came along. Let him know that he doesn't have to change, cos he will find someone who will perfectly fit in his life. May he find this lucky girl who'll show her all the happiness and love he deserves. May they live happily ever after.. Just like in the fairy tales. Oh, Lord, You know how I wish it's me. But I think all these fears needs to mellow down a bit first. And perhaps, you could give me my fairy tale too. Dear God, I love him so much. You know he has a good heart. I know he loves You and probably just couldn't say it. He's a good guy. Please take care of him for me. Amen.

It all started with a game.. I wonder who's playing

So.. It's 5:54 in the morning. I just woke up. Tengeneng yen! My hair!?! It wasn't like this earlier. Now it's all messed up! My eyes! My mascara! Grr.. Looking at the mirror, hmm.. No worries, still looking fine, but hey! Let me just say.. I was prettier before I even fell asleep! Hang on.. Haha! What happened. I'm confused. Did he stood me up? I feel like a dud.. This isn't right. I hate him.. Hang on.. Why don't I back it up a little and tell you how all these even started.

I was on a deep cozy slumber on a fine Wednesday night in the boring month of May of the year 2012, when my dear friend and former Team Lead called up and bossed me around asking me to to email her my resume. Half awake I told her I would do so and then sneaked back to bed, called again in a few minutes and in a way screaming asking me to wake up. "Fine!" I did as I was told and went back to sleep. The very same night, someone called me up and told me that I have an interview the following afternoon. "Wha..?" called up Dee and asked her all about it. "Mag aaply tayo, andun na yung kumare ko, susunod na tayo, malaki offer sa kanya".. "Uhh.. okay.. sige.. Thank you.."

The following day, I showed up wearing jeans and a blouse, very little make up, big smile on my face, a whole lot of confidence but not sure as to what position we were applying for. Dee, my TL, and her boyfriend Erick was there before me, sitting there.. waiting and looking very flashy in their formal suits. They were staring at me like I'm a walking dirt or something. "Anu yang suot mo! Bat di ka man lang nag ayos!?!" Haha!.. All my efforts were stepped on, mocked and thrown in the bin next to me. But it was fine, since I wasn't prepared for that anyway, and my plan was just to show up! They're my friends, I support them all the way.. Turns out, I was applying for an SME position and getting an offer of half more than what I was earning before. Hey, this isn't bad at all! Now we're talking! Rarr! I put on my game face and got really serious with the application. And yup, who would've thought that Lil Miss Sleepy Head would get the job?! It's just sad that Dee and Erick didn't make it.

The thing is, I like where I am now. Got unlimited breaks, getting the hang of what I'm doing, meeting new people and building up new friendship. I lifted off instantly. I was assigned to be the POC for the Billiards and Bowling team for the Sports Fest coming this January, w/c gave me an instant access to a social buttered life. I got really busy, apart from the fact that I was asleep  most of the time during a 3 month training. I was coordinating with my sports team and trying to get over my no good lying cheating ex at the same time. I eventually moved on. I didn't learn important things! I was in total ruins and I didn't even notice it. I was really lost. Ask me something about the job and I'll be a total nincompoop. I'd say chatting was the highlight of my training.

This particular guy though, so excited for the very first practice ever. He kept on asking and asking and asking for us to push it earlier.. Chatting me almost every time I log in. Talking about nothing but the practice. Suggesting the best time and place for it. Until I couldn't take the pressure from him anymore. Okay, I get it, you want to play billiards and bowling. Then, I just needed to schedule a practice date soon, so to get him off my back about it. Oh, gosh, he even came over to ask me and PJ about it (PJ: Dee's friend, now mine too). PJ asked for a stick of cigarette and introduced us.
Him!! I know him! I know him by reputation! The Bob! The same guy every girl I know is talking about. 

I remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I wasn't sure if I was attracted. He's a snob and a half. The typical "suplado" you notice when you walk pass through the hallways. Doesn't even look at me. Often busy when I pass through his post. I don't think he likes me either. Sure, his eyes are sultry.. very sexy lips and every girl I knew at work was so into him. Like they wanna rip off a part of his body and own it. These girls I could tell are his groupies. I couldn't engage myself in such thought. I just got off a relationship and I find it too soon to be liking someone I don't even know. I've been hearing things about him.. They say that he's a good domain trainer, really smart  and one of the best Team Leads in the account.. he drives.. plays the guitar.. and that he's got a son and goofs around with girls too. Who in their straight serious minds would consider a player? Nu-uh.. not me.. 

Hmm.. This guy's very first words to my face..

"Hey!"

"Kelan ba talaga yung practice ng Billiards?"

"Bobmar!" I said to him..

"Sabihin ko sayo, schedule natin yan.."

and then we walked away.. Damn! He's really good looking up close.. There's something about him. How he looks at you.. How his words pierce through your veins.. It was just a couple of seconds and I snapped right out of it right away.. Now I don't remember why I hate him.. haha!

I remember how there are many a countless times when I tried to avoid him. How we would chat casually the whole day.. everyday. There even came a time when I don't belong to any chat room anymore cos I don't respond to any of them cos I was too busy talking to him. We talked about work. His life.. My life.. How we shared point of views.. How we oppose and how I'd agree with him most of the time, which rarely happens with people I don't like. How hysterical I'd laugh when he'd say something not even funny. I remember when I finally organized a date for the billiards and bowling practice.. he was the first to on site and right on time and we were late for almost an hour. Afterwards we had a drink with the other players and I noticed how he doesn't show any interest towards me. I remember how he would talk a lot and everything he says, as senseless they seem to be, makes perfect sense to me. How I'm smiling now as I picture him and his beautiful arms and sexy hands stroking the glass of beer. How he would drink from it and his red lips would touch these so damn lucky piece of matter! I remembered the first time we talked for almost 3 hours. Same time he asked me out and I didn't acknowledge with a yes or no.. He was so hungry then and it was around 3 in the morning. He wanted to eat breakfast cos we just woke up and was tempting me with how he thinks the meat and all other food at RJ's Bulalo is so luscious and juicy. I remember when he asked me to visit a batch mate of mine who was confined in a hospital and he mentioned there were many of us visiting and when we were about to leave it was just 3 of us and the other one was a bit hesitant to go. Afterwards we had a couple of beer at that place I don't recall the name. I do remember though, how when I finally got drunk, held his hand, touched his face as I sing to him Weak by SWV. I tried to tease him but he couldn't even look at me..

I couldn't remember now why I hate him.. I just couldn't..

(To be continued.. for sure..)

A Sullied Life

Interesting ain't it.. How when one takes a glimpse of a well rounded life..
She gets to see things in a different perspective somehow..
A life far from what she has thought it would be..
Everything is just fine at first.
One gets to walk the path of life without a worry about a thing.
Suddenly, it gets a bit cloudy..
It then gets a bit complicated.
..and then the world falls apart..
Struggle and chaos occurs in a once serene mind..
In an instant, an inexplicable pain somewhere in one's humanity appears without her having the strength to repel it.. not even once.. not even just a bit..
So painful that it felt like the body's deteriorating.. slowly.. surely..
hmm..
And then, when there ain't nothing left to destroy.. pain goes away..
Surprisingly, one tries to search for it.. out of curiosity..
One starts to wonder where it went..
She can't get a clear picture of how it used to feel..
One is implicit to herself..
Current state feels so light and everything seemingly fixated on something she just couldn't get a hold of..
One couldn't notice though, how everything else is healing..
Everything shines..
Subconsciously, one becomes happy again..
So happy, one starts to drive to wherever the wheel takes the body and soul to..
Having the idea that getting in trouble seems like fun..
Deluded by the thrill each challenges brings her every single day..
So uncertain of where the road will take her..She moves on effortlessly..
The journey unconsciously comes to a halt as she hits a massive wall..
There aren't any pain, though, cos one is dazzled by the lightness of her figuratively non-existent senses..
And so..
One goes blank.. Blinded..
Every beauty is unseen by her naked soul..
The thirst for the pain that once was there has been satisfying her throat of fears and unexplainable appetite for paranoia
a constant reminder that most of the things in this life is consumable but uncontainable..
Hazards to her being is inevitable, thus making pain a necessity to survive life..
Pain itself has been part of the delusional mind necessary to survive every foulness and dilemma one will and needs to encounter..
Eventually.. pain has evolved into a matter that has become an absence all through out her journey
As an alternative, she has allowed herself to be carried away by a subtle yet dangerous wave in the ocean of life..
Though she tries to complicate things in her own mystical ways..
It just couldn't happen for her, cos there's total ecstasy..
It's not about time for her to feel any weary..
And although she's unsure.. and wide-eyed
It's quite okay..
It's all in God's good time as to when and how it will all get better
and yeah..
It's fine.. cos He said it will definitely get better..

Father's Day? Oh boy, this is gonna hurt..

I remember how I used to play alone with my dolls when I was a child. I'd sit on a miniature wooden rocking chair and talk to these beautiful things. My mommy said that I was three during those times and she said that it's amazing how I can still recall them. Hmm.. Maybe it's cos of the pictures. The pictures that my father kept all these years. Ah, my father.. My man.. The first man I've ever loved.. I'm his little princess, you know. And it's funny how, even up until now, he still hugs me and kisses me on my head. He tickles me like I'm a little girl. He attempts to carry me in front of our house when I come home from work. It's silly. You can imagine how ridiculous it is being 29ish. It's irritating. But at the same time, it's magical. These are moments that I will remember until I pass away.

My mom's so lucky to have my dad.. and she doesn't even know it. She complains about him.. I don't even understand the things she complains about. She's so immature in some ways. I mean, he married her.. gave her a house to be a home.. gave her five beautiful children who loves them so much. He provided for us. He showed us how good he is to my mom.. even though I've felt like he could have been somewhere else.. living a different life.. He stayed. He protected us.. therefore, he's my hero.

Not everyone gets to be as lucky as my mom. I don't even know if I'll find someone who'll take care of me like how my father takes care of her. I know I'm just like any other normal girl who played with Barbie dolls. I've been planning my very own wedding since I was 10. I dreamed of my very own prince charming who'll take me away to his own castle on top of the hill and father my own little royal babies.. It's silly how I pictured it would be Leonardo "Romeo" di Caprio but unfortunately he has a princess of his own now so, I had to get over him.. haha! It's okay. God will make a way for me. He always does. He's the greatest dad amongst all dads.
Everything is just right.. I play the dad and mom's role.. So well.. that it terrifies me na with all the things I've been able to battle out on my own, someone will come in and out of our lives as they please.. and probably.. out of an inconsistent-stupid spur of the moment-conscience attack.. most likely, due to a severe alcohol intoxication.. and then, unintentionally hogs all the glory out of all the things that I've worked hard for. Say, an unexpected night.. a random stranger makes his presence known.. what will I do? panic perhaps? and then after that.. this person pleads temporary insanity just so he can go back to his daily floundering routine. It's not gonna be funny at all. I may tremble when I learn his name.

His mere existence may scare the s*#t out of me. I may fear him like how vampires fear the sunlight. I seriously feel like this type of person would take away what's left out of my womanhood.. you know? ugh!! So hard to explain these things.. but let me put it this way.. now.. since I've been stripped out off almost everything, the only thing that I could level up to would have to be.. a great mother level.. well in my case.. a MILF too.. lol..

With all that I believe in, I wouldn't want such creature ruining it for us. All those efforts includes the time I've understood that some of the relationships I've had isn't real and raising a child alone isn't so bad after all. It also included the time I've learned to ignore all the mean things they say about me behind my back.. also all the things they claimed I have become when I was pregnant because of what I felt back then due to some hormonal imbalance.. all that they say about how Riane's mother is.. I've conquered them all.. I've moved on.. on my own.. and my daughter will never ever hear these things because none of them is me!

I have been tougher.. braver.. stronger than that pathetic little kid who dreams about rubbish Romeo and Juliet beginnings. I have been that girl with a heart of stone which only beats for the entity that lets her live. I am now that woman who'll do anything so for her princess to have her own fairy tale come true..

It terrifies me, that I won't be enough for my little one. I'm terrified that someday, she'll blame me for things she knows nothing about.. Especially, when all that I'm doing right now is for her to live and for her to have a great future ahead of her. Would I be enough? Would she need someone else while I'm here staying up all night, working hard, waking up every after an hour just so I can acknowledge that I'm ready to play with her.. pushing my body and strength to its limits just so I can keep up with this dog eat dog world.. I'm living for her. I'm giving up so much cos she's all that matters to me. God, I'm not even falling in love.. and I'm not about to start complaining. I can't be broken by random strangers. She can't have a broken mommy. I have to be tough.. No fool have the right to mess me up like that ever again. I won't ever make excuses for other's absence. D*mn! I'm not about to cover up for some sorry ass!

Some strangers in this world doesn't even know who I am baby. Considering the choices they made. I hope these strangers get on with their self made lives. Get married for all I care, then maybe they can be what they claim to be in their own little lives. Not in my life.. Not ever in yours. It's gonna be you and me baby.. Until you find no more use for mommy. I love you so much my daughter.

Happy fathers day? Yes.. To my Tatay.. My friends and their fathers.. to those who plays the part even if they didn't have to.. and most especially to my ever dearest Heavenly Father. I love You so much po. Please protect us all the time. Thank You for everything dear Lord God..

Don't hate me, my child. Sure you have someone else's name.. but you'll always be mommy's life.

Blessed Bum

I'm playing Tetris Battle currently and a while ago, I was busy with Hidden Chronicles.. I also challenged my classmates to play Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Oh my.. This is so nice.. My mom sent my iPhone away to have it repaired since I forcibly and stupidly flushed it down the toilet thinking it was that thing that came out of us women every month. Yes, I was drunk that time. But my point is, after it's fixed, then I would be able to play with it all day. I love computer games you know. My.. This is so wonderful.. I'm taking it all easy. I have all the time in the world to bum around. I've bought lots of DVDs so I could watch them while my baby plays in the room. Pretty much excited to finish the seasons of House too. Weeeeee!!!

My Riane is sleeping right at this very moment. She was playing too a while ago. Messed the room and I thought I'd let her do it every once in a while. She kinda over did it though. She rubbed baby lotion all over her face and body and rolled all over the floor.. She ate her powdered milk and spread it all over the table and licked it afterwards. Well, this is a baby proof room and I don't keep chemicals whatsoever in here, so I thought it was fine. And besides, the floor is well kept clean by my very OC partner, Crein. I kinda lost it though and yelled "RIANE!!" when she threw the milk out of the canister like she's throwing it out into the ocean. She then ran in panic towards the bed and hugged me and touched my face ever so sweetly.. saying..
"Sorry na Momie huh? Wak moko aaway huh?"
"Aww.." you might react..
Nope, not an aww-moment for me, since the lotion and the powdered milk were well mixed all over her hands.. Yes.. rubbed it in my face.. slowly.. gently..
Ohh.. Riane.. Just hugged the fury out of me.

My partner told me I was blooming since I quit my job. Well, I guess I can say I'm prettier than while I was working. I also had my hair coloured and rebonded. My partner's always excited to see me. I guess I couldn't blame her. Haha! Kidding..

I wish I'm rich with money though, so I could buy more time to burn on quality moments such as these. I know time flies real fast and my baby will grow up pretty soon.. I wish and pray to God that I could be there for her every step of the way. Well.. with money.. lots and lots of it.. tons of it.. I could buy time for myself so that I don't miss out on every minute of her growth. I'll be there on her first day at school and she doesn't feel like going.. when she's confused.. i'll teach her everything she needs to know about life.. happiness.. sadness.. i'll be there on her first heartbreak.. and maybe kill the guy who hurt her afterwards.. lol..

It's funny thinking about how my trip to Singapore turned out to be. I was almost convinced by a friend to work there. I was planning to quit my job anyway and I was offered all expense paid accommodation and food for a month or two if in case I ever decide to pursue looking for a job there. Great offer, maybe I will.. Maybe I won't.. I haven't given it some serious thoughts until March came. The jitters where all over me.. This is it.. I've finally quit my job and I'm gonna be a full time mom.. Hang on.. I need to decide too.. An opportunity has just presented itself.. Yeah, hang on.. I might give it a try.. So there, I was so sure I was going to do it.. I mean like work there..

So I flew.. I went there. I toured.. I took pictures.. I had fun all afternoon.. But then.. on that very first night.. before I went to bed.. Actually, I was on the floor on a thin mattress and I could actually feel the peas.. lol.. I had my lappy on a while ago and had just finished video conferencing with my partner and my baby.. I was so f*ing paranoid and definitely unease.. I've came to realize.. Is this really how I would've wanted things to be?? Would I willingly blindfold myself to take a shot at an unknown target? Did I lure myself on another gamble, which by the way, I despise doing? Am I that pathetic to lurk for luck elsewhere, when all the blessings I need is right back at home? I mean, He's good anywhere but.. Do I really need to go through all these? WTF am I doing? I'm not desperate?! I don't want to be away from my daughter. I quit job my job so we could be together often and you know.. just maybe work some other time. I was almost about to cry and I couldn't sleep that night, so after a few days I told my friend that I'm not gonna do it anymore. And she was a bit upset cos she really thought I'd live with them and we can pay for the rent together and all that planned ahead of her.. with me in it. Honestly, for me it was a bit of an awkward discussion.

Just now, I was checking for grammatical errors while reading out this blog entry(*) out loud. And as I do.. an amazing thing just happened.. Riane uttered..
"Mami.. you are happy!"
Well.. imagine that..

So anyway.. I tried to enjoy the last few days of my stay in Singapore and oh my.. it was a beautiful country. So clean and indeed a great place to bring up children. I bought a lot of stuff and I never regret purchasing each item. It was a great feeling shopping for pasalubongs I was on the webcam with my baby and my partner almost 24/7. I couldn't wait to get back home.

The truth is, I do want a better life but not away from the love of my life. God has indeed given me so much that I couldn't ask for more. In fact, He's been consistently blessing me and I couldn't be more grateful. I guess, I was okay just the way I was. I was able to survive without having to beg for help. I was okay without having to manipulate others to respect me. I was just fine and Riane is growing up with all the love and care that she deserves during this stage of her life. And more to come, by the way.. from Momie

Going away for 10 days has been a great learning experience for me. The most important thing is that, I'm not about to leave my daughter behind just so someone else could be a mother to her while I try to be a father. I guess my life could be better.. but I'm certain that it will only be as long as I have her here with me. Ugly truth though, I have to go back to work soon since my savings will run out eventually.. and I wouldn't have anywhere to pull out money from. Can't rely on anyone really. One thing is for sure.. My life is for Riane and I won't let her down.. and I know.. God is with me on that one too.

Identification Card Please

I was with a heavy heart as I walk along the corners of JP Rizal, the other day, on the way towards the city hall.. I've been workin on gettin a Solo Parent ID. The sunshine has mellowed down a bit and the rays of the sun doesn't hurt the skin. The breeze was calm and the weather was indeed very fine. As I was passing through a crowd who I believe couldn't notice how the tears are slowly building up my weak tired eyes, I courageously took a deep breath as I gather all the strength so I could accept the fact that I am really going to do this..
OA? ID lang? =}
Yes, the ID is for me.. but the grandest intentions are for her..
I am taking the first steps so I could give her all the best that I can.. all the best that she deserves in this lifetime.. The first steps are the difficult ones.. and along the way.. it could get tougher.. How I hope it's as easy as how they describe it to be.. But it's not.. It's not easy to be far away from the thing that you love most.. Especially a person like me.. Ann's crazy without the love of her life beside her all the time.. Just thinkin bout it makes me weak already.. I'm like a little kid who's candy's got stolen by a big bully and can't do anything about it..

Sometimes, I think of easier ways to get what we need.. and want for that matter..
Hmm.. but see.. Riane's Mom is far too precious and amazing to be engaging in classic kinds of rubbish

How I envy though.. How I hate a little..
Envy those who chose to be with their family and survive with so little in life..
Hate how the wealthiest chose to be away from their children cos it's just not enough.
I'll be in the middle I guess.. Work.. Life (Riane).. Balance..
How I'm missing out a lot of her.. cos I need to be somewhere else..
We can't depend on anyone but each other.. She depends on her momie, while momie depends on her baby..

Must be that time of the month again.. this shouldn't be complicated.. but you see.. I'm just a mommy who loves her baby so much.. and come to think of it.. yeah.. it is complicated..

It's gonna be tough.. Oh, but I have to be strong.. I've always been strong.. I need to be.. I don't like being apart from her.. but I have to go for a while.. and i have to want it.. and this ID would buy me some time for us for the mean time.. 7 days of uninterrupted bonding..

Oh God, I'm missing her already..
How she always tries to run after me before I go to work..

"Watch tayo TV anak?"
"Opo.. Sleep tayo Momie? Sleep tayo Momie!"
"I have to go to work na Baby.. Pasok lang Momie.."
"No! Sleep tayo.. Big hugg!"

How I'd try to escape and leave her behind crying and screaming for me everymorning.. How I try to hold it in all the time so I could function at work.. hay..
How my arms hurts a lot cos she wouldn't let me put her down..
It's fine..
It's great..
My muscles are developing.. She's gettin heavier each day..

I'm part of her and she's part of me.. Distance couldn't keep us apart..

I know what I'm doing is a good thing.. God.. it's a good thing right?
It is..
It's a good thing..
It's all for her diba po Lord?
It is.. a good thing.. a very good thing..
God is good..
Lord God.. You'll help us through this right? I love You Lord..
I have to cry it out now.. I have to be strong..
For her..

I love You Lord.. I know You've got my back.. I trust in You.. I'm leaving everything behind for the mean time, so I can build a great future for us both ni Baet.
Deep heavy sigh..

Anyway.. The ID is the easy part.. The scars and the pain should already identify me, shouldn't it?.. What the heck do they need a solo parent ID for anyway?
Can't they tell it's me yet?

Riane My Daughter.. I'm entering an unscripted chapter to the path of uncertainty.. and I think you must know.. that every page is made with the love I feel for you.. With the Lord's guidance and blessings.. I'll make it grand for you and me.. You are My Life sweetie.. You keep me going.. You are my purpose and I will bleed for you.. ~>Momie

Sleepy.. Nyt nyt..

Breaking Ann

I just got home from a movie date. I'm still a lot sprung about the movie I've watched. It was my favorite movie and still is. Everything is incredible. The wedding was so dramatic and grand. Everything about it screams Roan's picture of how her life should be. The courtship.. The mystery.. The attraction.. The need to protect and be protected.. The changes a person will go through just to be part of someone else's life.. The pain along with it.. The fact that no matter how you try to do the right thing.. you often end up doing the wrong ones and how people who loves you will still stand by and fight for you till the end..

Not only have I fallen in love with the saga but it's also partly.. an interpretation of who I am..

Like Bella..

I'm one tough nut to crack.
One of the hardest things to do is to figure out what a woman wants. And by far.. I'm one of the hardest ones to crack. When I'm not satisfied, I would never give up. Either try my hardest to push them away.. Or hold on to them as tight as I could. Either way.. I always get what I deserve. I like the fact that Edward tries so hard to figure Bella out. In my own little life's theater.. A lot has attempted to.. even imprinted on me.. However, in a way.. they kinda disappeared into thin stinky air.. It's that, or.. they're just not my Edward.. All or nothing in real life.
I'm very casual.. a bit complex.. but simply casual..
I don't like fancy stuff. Neither the materialistic type. I wear my hair down.. rarely comb them.. I don't do a lot of make-ups. I like comfy clothes. I don't seek attention and I despise the spotlight. I'm not timid and shy, but I'd like to keep it on the down low. I remember hearing from a gay collegue.. and believe me.. it wasn't the first time I have.."Ang siga mo mag lakad noh?.. Wala man lang ka poise poise.."
Well.. I guess that's the whole point.. For pervs to notice the walk.. Instead of drooling over the tooshie.. hehe.. kiddin..
I am misunderstood.
Some people might think it's okay.. but it's not.. would get whatever chance they could just so they can make the most out of you.. very abusive.. and sometimes, they couldn't see that I'm just nice to everyone.. and that we all have our needs.. couldn't read between the lines..

I tend to be close to people who's vulnerable to develop strong emotions for me. I keep enough distance not to let them fall and enough distance not to hurt them.. and yet.. they either hate me in the end.. blame me for everything.. or fall even more.

I can be a tease.. Haha!
I can't get over how she kept teasing Edward so he would touch her.. Turned on by his strength and control. Oh gosh.. My eyes are half open as I picture myself entrusting my body to a person who's.. Ugghh.. D*mn.. Strong, yet tries to be as gentle as he/she possibly could.. Break the headboard why don't you..
I value faithfulness and loyalty towards my family.
I can play a lot of cat and mouse chases.. but quite frankly.. I know where home is. It's in a place where all kind of emotions revolve around you.. and in spite of these emotions.. true love will never cease to exist. Sort of pandora-ish box kinda scene. Inevitable, but "hope" lingers within.. You know what I mean. I know some envies how the Cullens protected each other from all the odds.. but you see.. that's what I have with my family.. oh man, yes, they get on my nerves sometimes.. a lot actually.. but no one could hurt us.. for we'll be there to protect each other..

I'd die for my very own Renesme.. her name is Riane.
She's unplanned for. She's unexpected. I never thought she would happen and yet.. I would have drank blood for her too so that she may live.. Riane's my life now.. It's a very unbelievably awesome feeling..

And that my friend.. is why I love the movie. They were right on the spot with the family stuff, friendship.. good and bad.. almost everything.. It highlights some of the best scenes taking place in my magical life. God was even there.. In a way, I mean.. Looking at the bigger picture.. Nature.. Love.. Life.. Well.. They may have lived immortal lives.. but My God has eternity planned ahead of us all. La lang.. I love Him so much.. When I was loosing my mind. When I was really down. When the ones I love made it their business to hate me. When I refused to love myself.. The Lord has been there all the time.

Thank You po for this good life.

Blank Walls and Lies

I'd rather have lived a beautiful lie than have died embracing an ugly truth. If you've started lying, make sure you don't ever let me know ~Yoshiko

As I walk above a two storey high overpass, I get to appreciate the time shifting schedule I get working in a call centre. Everyday I pass over that bridge over troubled boundaries.. and sometimes, I get to do it alone. Goodness I'm so brave aren't I? Well.. at least I try to be brave. Being all scared with heights and all that.. Whew.. Plus the everyday fact that I'm wearing a 15k watch.. Tagging along a 40k cellphone (hay babe ko kasi eh).. A priceless face (char!).. and An angel waiting for me at home.. Oh, My Dear Lord God is truly good.. He keeps us all away from harm.. from stalkers.. from evil-doers.. Thank You so very much my Lord.

Upon my way home, I was contemplating about so many things.. With all the wind blowing against my skin.. A great sunset view.. All the ambiance makes me think of so many grand thoughts that I couldn't wait to write down.. The funny thing is.. that when I got home.. Sat on this bed.. In front of this machine.. All the excitement to write those thoughts had seemingly vanished.. and so.. just stared at the wall all blank.. Hayy.. I tried to reenact the scene a while back, but all that inspired me is the pink wall behind the laptop and just couldn't write down anything at all.. All that was left out of those grandeur is this feeling that I was a bit keeping inside since I got out from work.. This feeling of mine.. needing to put a halt on my typing skills.. and just poop.. Hehe.. Sorry.. I really have to go run downstairs now....
Hang on..
I'll be back..

There..
What? None of you poops? Good on ya!
I didn't just poop you know.. I know I was out for a couple of hours.. 4 hours to be exact.. Who poops that long dude? I had to attend to my baby too, you know.. play with her.. read stuff online.. Oh, and dinner too.. Hmm.. Play Pet Society.. Read some more.. Mainly tweets.. I read about a post about how it's not his fault to fall in love with someone who's compelled to write down everything.. word per word.. Hmm.. Interesting eh?There's nothing wrong with expressing the heart's thoughts through writings. You can say whatever you want to say.. As long as they're the truth. Hmm.. Wait a sec.. Come to think of it, nothing is really considered a lie.. until one gets caught right? You're then considered a liar when you get caught! Wow..

Read my lips.. or writing..
LYING and OMITTING CERTAIN TRUTH..
Former would be giving out a rather very different statement from the actual.
The latter would simply be.. not mentioning it at all.
Two entirely different things which will change the spinning world. We make mistakes and we get caught doing so. Best we can do, is to cushion the blow. Well.. hypothetically.. given a f*ckd up twisted kind of situation.. what I'd do is, I'd avoid making up lies.. I'll try to shut my mouth and won't talk about it for as long as I can.. I'd rather talk my way out of it and omit certain truth.. I would NEVER tell the truth especially if it will destroy someone who matters to me.. Uhh... that's supposed to be on the heavy side though.. On the lighter part, ask me the right question.. and you might get your answer.. (Oo na.. pilosopo na..)

Yes, I'm saying it's okay to lie.. just as long as you don't end up hurting someone. It's like what I always say..
Go ahead and lie you s*ck f*ck-witt a-h*le scabies..
Uhh..
Yeah..
That's it..
That's what I always say..

I mean, c'mon, sure if it will benefit you and you don't spread lies about others and you won't end up getting caught? Go for it.. The law of nature complies with every action of man.. And we control our lives.. We sell ourselves.. We make who we are.. We are free.. And if you're gonna lie about who you are.. then make it a good lie..
Uhmm.. I hope I made sense right there..

Anyway.. Just be careful though, cos if you meet someone, who has been lied to a million times already, by s*ck f*ck-witt *ssh*le scabies.. then you better be careful.. Cos the moment they found out about it.. I'm telling you man.. All your hard work.. All of your happiness.. All of what you've made of yourself.. It's all history..
Don't be stupid..
That's all I can tell you about lies man.
I hate liars.

Moving on..
I'd say most of what people write down is about how they feel and think of. Well, sure, I'm not that oh-sooo great a writer.. I mean, I write about whatever I want.. and I'm just fine.. Yeah there are some who writes about serious stuff and they get all articulate and really smart sounding with their deep words and all that overrated phoey stuff.. and when what I write about gets close encounters with what these smarty-pants-writers have.. My stuff will just be like.. "Ay.. Eyow phowz.. Hihi.." hahaha! But nonetheless, I'm still so proud of my own.. I'm a kind of my own, you know.. Hmph!

Just a moment ago.. My daughter hit me with my phone right on the forehead.. I couldn't get back at her.. I tried to pinch her but I just couldn't catch her from all of the panic running-around she made after the blow, w/c by the way, I'm still dizzy from. La lang.. Na-share ko lang.. See yah!

Evey Rose Has Its Thorn

I'm sick.. Feverish.. due to this disgusting abscess growing infectiously under my beautiful armpit. I took 2 days off from work cos I really am so weak. It's funny how things are in a way, for I don't function the way I normally do. I couldn't drop my arms down. I couldn't work my way around the computers.. I couldn't grab a hold of the mouse at work and I couldn't even lift my baby at home, dude, I couldn't even eat and sleep right. I'm taking P2K+ worth of medications and that's just for 7 freakin days. Ouch two tops.. huh? Really hurtin my pocket and my body too. Hehe..

My partner, she was really supportive though, she took a day out of work too to be with me at the ER.. She slept over and took care of me like that of a baby, w/c is quite a big deal since I'm always taking care of my Baet.. It's nice to have someone take care of you for a change.. She's really great.. In fact, I find her looking really good every time I'm with her.. As in, ang gwapo nya tlga.. Hay.. And to add up to that God-like physical appearance of her.. Let me just tell you how great she is.. for paying for an Apple iPhone 4 from a recontracting deal my mom got from rip-off Globe Telecoms. See, my mom's two year plan is up and is entitled to a free phone. We upgraded and had to pay out right for a handset w/c I now own.. okay.. okay.. let me say it again peeps.. I now own A Black Apple iPhone 4 16GB.. yey!

I know it's not that big a deal.. It's an in-season-techy stuff that's gonna get faced-out some time in the future too, pero mga chong.. iPhone 4 to noh! Wlang basagan ng trip.. hehe.. I remember how I originally requested for a white one but apparently, they're out of stock.. Good thing I went for the black, cos it's classy and far more bold than the white, dumihin pa yung white.. My besy got the white one.. so okay na.. at least I get to experience both. I have a postpaid myself and I got a free phone along with it. My Crein paid for the iPhone 4's cash out and I get to use it of course.. and in return to the correspondence, I gave her my Sony Ericsson Xperia 8 and I gave my mom my other phone w/c is a Nokia X2-01. . and voila!! Everybody happy.. except maybe.. partly.. not me.. cos I have a lump here.. huhu.. My partner and I were teasing nga and cudling a while back and I couldn't fight her back.. hay.. I wanna be well already.. Must be from all the stress I've been having.. The nanny I have isn't that much helpful, I mean sure.. she's really in for cleaning the whole lot of the house.. But when it comes to Riane.. she just doesn't have the heart.. Hmm, let's just say.. She's not who I'm looking for.. Hay.. buhay.. I can't take this stress anymore..

My partner and I talked all night. She's a good person to talk to. She has all the opinion in the world and I get to laugh at most of them. They're good though. She shared her lifetime plan with me. It was really nice, especially since Baet and I am in it. I didn't expect how I would be able to pull out a strand from my dream and make it happen in real life. She was once all I've ever wished for as a partner.. but quite frankly.. I don't think I'm ready for all of her just yet.. I mean.. True, she's perfect.. and all that they may never be.. it's just that I'm in a little bit of a mess right now.. and with all of what's happening.. I'm just about ready to fall apart.. My Darling Riane's the only thing that's holding it all up for me..

I've been pushing her the way I've pushed others that came before her.. but the funny thing is.. she's literally not like all the others.. She sticks around.. no matter how hard I do.. Sometimes, I just get really tired of it.. hehe.. hence quiting pushing away..

Someone told me.. If I push people away all the time like I always do.. then I might end up alone.. hmm.. guess what.. I don't think I care that much about that aspect.. It doesn't really matter that much to me.. hehe.. I have my reason for being and without my Riane.. Seriously? I'd be dead.. and I mean literally.. dead..

Crein's the relationship type of dream. The reason for the sly smile on your face everymorning. The one type whom you bring home to mom and tatay even if it's kinda imoral.. haha!! The reason why you love little holidays suh as Valentines, Anniversaries, Monthsaries and even Forthnightsaries.. haha! The reason why you love weddings and engagement rings.. The reason why you have so many reasons and just couldn't grab one cos they're all rushing through your brains.. The reason why they say "She's all that..!" Actually.. I can be all that too.. hmm.. anyway.. haha!

Seriously.. I couldn't bare to hurt her.. She deserves so much more.. We all do..

To be continued..

Some dream

I just woke up from a very bad dream. It was about someone I deeply care about.. my partner.. keeping something from me. What happened was a friend of hers informed her of a surprise she has for her. She didn't told me about it. I found out cos I took her mobile and saw their conversation.. which is odd, cos I don't go about doing that to her.. you know.. reading text messages and invading privacy and stuff like that.. but anyway. I learned that they were about to meet up after our dinner. In that dream, she told me was that she is going to work and that she needs to leave early. I felt something was not right so I insisted to tag along with her to work. Of course she could not do that cos she's really not going, right??! So she has no choice but to take me to where she told me she was really going. As we walk around slowly in circles, her friend came walking straight to us with a f*ingly irritating smile on her face.. with the so called surprise with her.. the person who my partner liked before she liked me who liked her back and almost got it on however was not given a good chance to do it.. and all that crap. Tada! And there we all stood still smiling at each others pathetically plastic faces with a very awkward silence slapping our souls each millisecond that passes by. Urghhh!!!

So since where all there anyway, I asked my partner not to go to work and I invited them all to our house so they can talk there. All agreed of course. We went back to our house and took home the f*cking surprise. And I stupidly locked them in our room. OUR ROOM!!! The three of them were whispering to each other.. panicking looks like it to me. I left them and I was not even introduced and they talked for hours and I was waiting outside to be invited.. of course d*mb*ss.. I wasn't. After hours of chatting *I'd like to believe*.. They all left and my partner texted me.. We want you to come with us to watch part two of the first movie you and I watched together..

My heart was so heavy for it felt so real. I felt betrayed and I couldn't breathe. I hate it and it was torture. I woke up crying my head off.. But you know who was there to dry off my tears? My daughter.. My one year old daughter.. Would you imagine that? Her lips were pouting for a kiss.. She was making crying sounds and she's acting all worried for me.. The best part? She was wiping the hair away my forehead so she can kiss my face..

Gofdjodkmorkning!

It's a f7jine Saturday.. 5am and my baby's awake already.. She kept on making those very weird noises while I was sleeping.. perhaps to wake me up. Making a lot of crocodile tears.. haha! Rolling over and over and over and over the bed.. Hang on.. she's pkai ff53edx

..pounding on the laptop. She just needs to be where I am all the time.. She runs after me, cries whenever I pass her by.. shows me what she has in her hands and push it in to my face.. she's a cute little darling, really.. very clingy too. I just put her back on the bed.. Gave her toys to bang on the walls.. nope she's crawling down.. and thT SqHQAAAAAAAQan;d lh]ere she is =a=gain9899999

Banging the tambourine and pointing on the screen and making those "ooohh.. huh?!!" sounds.. Oh she's trying to lift the toy chest over her head.. haha! Almost flipped over right there.. oh and sneezed.. twice.. disassembling my celphone.. sneezed.. now she's pushing her face on my face and making those "tah tah tah.. chah chacth" whispers.. I think she's talking to me about somethin.. haha.. she's murmuring and flapping her hands.. hahaha!

And there she sits quietly.. nope.. she's dismantling my celphone again and here she comes.. oh, a scrunchie.. on my face again.. Play time with her sure is fun. What a great way to wake up. I love her so much.

I just came back up from our daily sunshine vitamin. We just had our breakfast too. She took taho, ate pandesal and a little bit of my sopas. She has a very strong appetite. Last night she drank gallons of milk and now she's with her Mama and Dad (grannies).

By the way, I've already planned her birthday party. It's gonna be great! I made the reservations to the restaurant.. It's an RSVP.. hehe.. Also made the deal with the host, the mascot and the face painter. All that's left for me to do is to get the invitations and send them out to my closest friends and family.

Christmas Parties

The people I worked with and I celebrated our Christmas party last Friday somewhere in The Fort. Man. It was awesome. I got really drunk and I was all over my gay friends and we were all having a grand time together. The theme was Viva Las Vegas and we were all dressed in white. It was wicked! Good thing is that there aren't any church like that in Vegas, otherwise.. I may have gotten married right there. Told them not to give me hard liquors and yet.. they pushed it on my throat!! And of course, I just couldn't say no.. haha! We had flaming shots and a lot of margaritas and stuff.. Some I didn't even bothered to ask what's in it.. Just drank em all up and rode with the freakin flow! But then.. I may have been carried away a little bit too far.. See, I'm a beer person and I don't handle my alcohol very well if it's not a light beer.. I get all touchy.. and happy.. and a bit emotional.. and I feel a bit free-spirited in a sense.. Hehe.. Everything is beautiful in the eyes of a drunken little cute me. Haha! After the Christmas Party, we went to a gay bar. Oh whao, it was definitely an experience. A lot of tounge action if you'd ask me, for the gay men I mean.. but it was all good. One of them got a cab for me and they took the plate number just to be sure I get home safe. They were all taunting and teasing me the following working day. I was like.. "Haha! Lasing tayo lahat noh?" and they were like.. "Ikaw lang kaya yun Ann.. Hahaha!".. Yeah, I know I was drunk pretty much all throughout the night.. But hey.. IT-WAS-AWESOME!!

Would you believe Christmas is just around the corners? My batch mates and I are gonna have a Chris Cringle. We're all asked to get an alias. Some went for Baby Ice 17, Danny Mc Coy, Alien Boy, Island Girl, Beach Bum.. I went for Mariyang Makiling and I don't know why I chose her. I wished for a Belle de Jour Power Planner for 2011. I just hope that this person gets me the one from National Bookstore cos it differs from the one in Powerbooks.

We're gonna have our Annual Family Reunion too this December. Riane's gonna be a part of the Chris Cringle this year. Haha! It's gonna be great, I hope.. even with the tampuhan between the oldies. Nope, it's not about money or anything material, just a little misunderstanding I suppose.

We're all set too at home.. The gifts are all wrapped. I may have to do a last minute shopping for my dear friends. Whao! What a tight budget I'm having. And man! I was planning to get a Christmas Tree too but just couldn't find any time to do so. I'm so not proud of the Christmas Plant that my dad assembled years ago! Haha! I mean it's a plant! And that's not how it's supposed to go right? Well, I asked my mom to get one but she kept putting it off and off.

Since I was a little girl, I've always been one of the many who stays up all night on Christmas Eve. I've never missed the Simbang Gabi and I've always hungered for Santa Clause's mysteriously appearing-from nowhere gifts beside the Christmas Tree. I remember how I found out that there is no Santa. I think I was or in between the 2nd and the 3rd grade. I think I was playing hide and seek at home with my sisters.. no, I think I waas just looking for something.. Nope I don't remember what I was doing then.. I recalled though, opening my mommy's cabinet and seeing these wonderful toys. I thought to myself.. "Why would my mom hide these wonderful gifts? She always gives us nice gifts. She would never hide such gifts".. At first, it made me think that maybe she doesn't want us to have any good gifts anymore. Hmm.. I didn't bothered touching it nor playing with it. But then, Christmas day.. Gifts day.. I saw them.. The same gifts that was in the closet days ago. Oh no! Haha! What a tragic day that day, Santa's death.. I killed it for me too.. no more gifts from the fat.. sweet looking guy.. =}

It's funny how as a child we believe so many lies and stuff other people tell us and enjoy them at the same time, and now that we've grown.. we still do.. hahaha! Or maybe.. it's just me.. I am so gullible. It's like I always say.. Fool me once.. shame on me.. fool me twice.. shame on you.. fool me thrice.. shame on me.. fool me.. uhh.. I don't know how to say the fourth.. hahaha!

On the 17th I've been invited to join another Christmas Party. On the 18th, another invite.. There are more.. Oh my, I just gotta say no to all of those. They need to understand that I'm a mom now and spending like crazy isn't gonna work for me anymore.

Resting in pieces

You took me in and cared like no other.. You believed in me like no one else has.. You looked and saw the best in me.. You were all that they could never be..

If one day I realize.. how I've fallen so deeply for you, and by that time you may have already found someone new.. Wishing how you could have been my destiny and that I've let you go for uncertainty.. Then I will dream of you with a smile and a tear in my eye.. Twice as much pain as I am feeling now.. Recalling the days of how I forced my heart not to beat for you.. When you are all that I ever wanted to come true..

I may regret ever turning away from something that may never come again.. But the person you were meaning to have.. can never be whole again.. A part of me is owned and forever will be.. But then again.. it's just so little of me that they could ever see..

I'm hurt for I think I love you.. I'm not sure.. Maybe I don't want to.. I need you.. No I don't.. I'm wounded and I just can't hold you.. I've got to let you go..

I've got to find myself for I am lost.. I am wandering amidst the shadows of my past.. I am torn apart.. I am confused and yet I know what I want.. I want you.. and yet.. I feel empty inside..

I am wounded..
I can't look at you..
For you might just be like the rest who came before you..

I'm not sure..
Maybe I'm just restless..
But I hope you know..
That you're perfect..
Just the way you are..

Thinking about you

When ye'r tempted to lose heart cos love hasn't yet found you..
Remember: Your next "Hello!" could lead to "I do." or maybe "Goodbye.." no one really knows actually.. The great thing, about not knowing though, is the joy of every waking day brings you and the passion along with it.. realizing in a timely manner, how everything happens for a reason.. until one day.. one can finally say.. "I did well.."

Inspired and happy, I guess.. I just couldn't help myself from floating.. And did you ever get that feeling when you just want to shout out the name of a person.. real loud and just.. get your b*tt up and run to wherever the person is and just hug em real tight and then kiss the sanity out of each other afterwards.. and I mean like.. Grrrrrr!!!! Raarrrrr!!!! Ughh!! Hahaha!!

I miss em so much.. There's none that I wish for, but all of who and what the person is and has..

Just when you thought you couldn't ask for more,
Someone would come knocking at your door.
Even with all the iron walls fencing your being,
This certain hazard will turn into your liking.
Suddenly hearing yourself hum a different kind of tune
Day dreaming about the crazy month of June
Is there a chance that nothing should go wrong
For I am smiling uncontrollably all day long
Yes, I have been happy too quite a lot of times before,
But all crashed into a pit hauling an uneven score
Amidst all of the pain and betrayal,
One needn't hunger for approval.
For at the end of every day,
Your heart will simply just say..

"Everything feels so good."
*and it does, doesn't it?*

Whenever you take a glance on something that could be
You wonder if it is real or just a silly fantasy
For something so great couldn't possibly exist
And somehow your heart makes it hard to resist.
All the magic unfolding at each and every rhyme
Are all the happiness that couldn't cost a dime.
I am worried and keyed up all at the same time,
Cos something so ecstatic may somehow be a crime.
I can not say it is true love just yet,
Though, being limerent is somehow close to it, I bet.
Luck, if you will look at it and see
It’s all just meant to be, if you’ll ask me
Who would have thought I would get by like this
Anxiously waiting for that next passionate kiss
Blessed, I deem my heart and my whole self
No longer placed on an empty dusty shelf
For a new chapter has begun in my life’s blank pages
So for an untold love story can begin its stages.

Crushed

Hmm.. Bored.. Really dead beaten over boredom..

My tummy has been aching too from indigestion since I've been having so much fun being with this sweet thing who's been feeding me like there's no tomorrow. It was her birthday and I was with her for three days. Amazing. It was like a dream that is happening as things unfold. Thoughtful, kind and selfless, considerate, passionate, a very good specimen who I enjoy kissing and sniffing.. soft spoken, gentle, her hands are warm.. I like holding em.. couldn't sing a tune really but cos she's very easy on the eyes.. I really don't care about anything else.. just looking at her feels like I'm looking at one of God's prime masterpieces.
She was all that I ever wanted.

As much as I don't want to complain though.. I just don't feel so good today. Maybe cos my body of 27 years and 6 months has change. I get tired so easily and I just want to sleep most of the time. I couldn't catch up with fun activities like I used to. When I'm awake, my energy is all focused on my darling baby. Actually, I've gotten so accustomed to being a single mom and I'm not really sure if I want to share my love and attention to any other but my little girl.. and I'm sorry to say that I don't want to share her with any other, but myself. I've learned to let go of every bit of memory that build up false hopes and promises which affected ideals.. and I have learned to embrace all that I have. I've buried the past and I just couldn't handle it if they would come back and haunt me. They just don't matter to me anymore. I wish they would just stay buried. I wish that they would be kind enough to let me enjoy what they have helped me to have become.

Considering all the pressure that I'm being pulled into.. Being surrounded by seemingly great people doesn't interest me at the moment. As much as I appreciate all the wonderful intentions they are offering me, I just don't have anything else to offer at the moment. I know some even asked me for nothing in return but time and the chance to let them love me.. but see, I just couldn't let them. They might fall so hard and I'm not sure if I'd be there to catch them. I'm not perfect and surely I am not all that.. but who am I to say these things right?

How foolish do you think am I? Really.. Am I at fault here?

I'm not selfish.. but somehow, I may be trying to be. When someone not so great like me.. finds peace and comfort with everything that God has provide for me, could you blame me for not desiring anything more. I guess you could say.. this is how contented I am.. Could you really? Tell me..

Sometimes we put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

The other night, I hang out with my friend, but before I went off to see them, I spent a good deal of quality time with a very special someone. Went to church, hang out.. watched a movie.. had dinner at home. It's all good. Kinda felt weird though, cos just before she went home. There was a certain disconnection that I felt between us. I couldn't read the mind and the silence pretty much said a lot. I hated how I felt. It was a familiar feeling. I panicked. I got pretty confused too. I felt that certain need to open up a discussion. It was funny.. makes me wanna laugh about it right now. I didn't, though. I rode along with the silence. It was torture. Too add up to the boggle.. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling.. I don't understand..

To get to where my friend was, it would probably take about 5 minutes to get me there. That is.. if I'd take a cab.. but then.. I've decided to go for a miniature road trip and take the jeepney instead and go for the longer way to get there. It was also good. The air was less polluted at night and the ambiance gave me time to contemplate about what happened and what didn't happen. Oddly, I didn't get anything from that road trip.. Hehe.. So anyway, I went on.. and there I was.. finally hangin out with my friend.. drinkin.. goofin around.. saw a few people from my ex-job.. laughin our a**es off.. enjoyin the moments basically.. but then.. during our affairs.. I just couldn't seem to get my mind off her.. and what she was thinking about earlier. Right there.. I figured.. I don't just like her.. I care about her.. And as weird as you might think it is.. I didn't like it.. It was against all that I stood by..

I gave her a book too some time not so long ago. The book was entitled "How to be really really really happy" by Bo Sanchez. I was suppose to finish it but I keep putting it off. I don't know.. The stories are good, but I guess I already know where he's leading to.. kinda know what he was talking about.. creepy "L" word.. and like I said.. I don't wanna be there just yet. Not even sure if I actually wanna be there. Yeah.. sure I enjoy every bit of time being happy.. and I am okay with giving, as long as I have something to give. But the trouble is that, some people will always want something more from you and we just need to give it to them so to keep them off your back.. but you know how it goes.. once they get a taste of it, they're gonna keep wanting more.. until you got nothing else to give. So I guess, Mr. Sanchez should stop writing about happiness and start workin on contentment mainly. HOW TO BE F*IN CONTENTED!!.. cos personally, I think happiness is very costly.. it involve a great deal of mess too.. and you can't just achieve it by simply buying a book.. some books are tricks to hypnotize the mind into believing everything is okay.. when in real life.. it isn't.. and some people will just f*ck you over and over until you linger in pain far too long cos you've gotten used to it.. and by the time you got off that mud hole of mess.. you feel nothing.. and you find every means to hurt yourself.. be it physically or emotionally., just so you can feel something.. with that.. paranoia can't seem to f*in find another host.. ugh!! That's what happens when you keep wanting more.. and believe me.. it will happen over and over again till you find contentment within. Contentment is way cheaper.. and safer. It doesn't matter whatever it is that you've got.. as long as you've got everything that you need.

Sorry.. I'm not mad. It's just that.. every time I try to be happy, the world seems to come crashing down upon me and I just couldn't handle it. I have all the valid reasons as to why I am not crazy enough to take any risk.. one of em is that.. I just don't like gambling.. and the rest is written in blood.

Okay.. Fine!! My reasons aren’t reasons I guess.. they’re all excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is.. I’m scared.. Terrified even.. of what's out there for me. That's why I've build these walls.. this shell.. ever so strongly.. so I can protect myself.. from everything.. anything.. not even joy nor love.. could penetrate them.. And some people, just don't get the label..

Figure it out, Babe..

I will be signing a new job offer tomorrow. During the interviews and the examinations, I sure was a bit terrified at one point. The final interview was really tough, for I had to answer real personal questions. Same as with the others that came before it. I didn't lie though.. nuh-uh.. not once. I told the reason why my heart wanted to leave my previous job. I told them as honestly as I possibly could. Miraculously, I got accepted.. I passed. The visit over Don Bosco along with a special friend probably helped a lot. Thank You Lord God. Something weird though.. The acceptance didn't felt as good as I thought it would be. It sure felt different. See, when I left ACS, I didn't thought any other company would give me a chance to work with them. Convergys proved it otherwise. The company accepted me and disregarded my past flaws. Convergys boost up my morale. Convergys made me felt I was really something.. something useful, worth keeping and a valuable asset to their company. It was awesome! I even won an iPod touch. Didn't lasted though.. Only stayed for seven days, when I should've at least stayed for three more days so just to complete the CCTraining.. and golly, that was just the easy part.. english, grammar and culture studies. I could've lifted off to PSTraining effortlessly.. but I didn't.. I went off the other way around. And just there, I've let go of something I really wanted.

Now, here comes another great thing. The new job I'm about to sign up tomorrow. It should be great right? I'm' just wondering though.. Why can't it feel just as good? Why does it feel so.. different? How come, I'm not too excited about it.. What's missing? What's wrong with this one? Everyone says this new company is high paying, has good benefit package, really prestigious.. and so, and so.. Makes me think.. Will I sign it just for the sake of having a job? Will I sign it cos it's been a while since I've been so much of a bum? Will I force myself to love it just cos everyone does? Will I force myself to enjoy it just cos everyone thinks it's something really good? Will I force myself to look forward to going there tomorrow cos everyone is happy for me? Why do I feel so.. different.. when I know, that I couldn't mess this one up?

Crazy huh? This is all I ever wanted. Why can't I feel anything..?

Dear Lord God.. Guide me.. I love you so much po..

Calling Cupid!!

Most of my blog posts from 2008 are a little bit heart-wrecking. I kind of feel sorry for my old self as I browse through them. So much love to give right there.. and now, it makes me wonder whether I still have more to give. Do I? Have I been trying?

In this lifetime, I recall a lot of cool moments when time surely was passing me by real fast. Pseudo as they call it.. Something that seems to be there and real, and yet, you just couldn't grab a hold of it.. can't seem to put your heart into it.. It's there, both just couldn't take it.
On 2008, during the rockiest of the rockiest of my six year relationship, within The Kimerald Love Story, this happy lang kase seem to have mutated on its own since then. There was this Summer Love Affair, Sassy Girl and just recently Humpy Dumpy Road Trips.. The might-have beens of my life.. hehe.. All left a mark..

Funny and silly, if I may say so myself, the way I have been putting up so much effort dodging Love Shots from Mr. Cupid. I couldn't let him catch me with those frightening arrows. Oh, C'mon dude, one time you hit me with one of those things.. You got my head.. Everything was messed up right there, since then, I've been confusing dreams and reality.. love and hate.. risk and fear.. trust and respect.. tsk.. Been fixing up your mess for a little while now, and I'm doing a very good job at it, no thanks to you.. I think you might be losing your touch little mister match maker. True love, kind of doesn't exist anymore?!? What?? You busy with something else? Yeah, you heard me, Love Bug. I'm talking to you! So the next time you feel like going to work, use your glasses or whatever should help you take a great aim of where that stupid arrow should really go to.. You know where it is right? Yeah, it's right here.. where it beats.. the heart wise guy. So please.. show people that that romantic love thing of yours still works. Fix your crappy arrows and make em work!!

See, here I go again. Something really great is happening to me for some time now.. And I'm afraid I may have to dodge this one too. I have been trying to control my emotions from showing up.. For quite frankly, I don't know if I want it. Oh, crap.. What am I saying?? This is so heavy. This is so confusing. I don’t know what I am actually trying to avoid. I mean, I’m so scared of these things that I’m feeling. Cos every time I get all these rush of electricity within my veins. It always leads to unconditional happiness.. like yesterday.. and the day before that.. and the day before.. yes.. I was getting all that jitterbugs.. all because of this seemingly perfect being.. so contagious too. Being with this person knocks me off my feet. After being together.. I keep smiling all the time.. And I don’t know why.. And I don’t know where I’m going.. And I walk around the house smiling stupidly.. And I don’t seem to understand why I’m holding a screw driver and a soap.. And I tell everybody about this weirdness that kinda feels so good.. And everybody is happy for me.. Gosh.. It’s crazy.. I never actually met anyone from my fantasy.. and yet.. here's one.. who wants to kiss me..

I Wanna Fall

You may have your own reasons for smiling uncontrollably today..

I do too..

Mine's you.. ♥

Yours Truly.. Pisces Girl aka Yoshiko

This Pisces woman is a woman of dreams. Logic rarely exists in her life as she doesn’t really understand it..*callin me naive?!?* Her favorite world is the one she has created herself in her own mind. She has a sweetness that is delightful and can warm up even the coldest hearts. Not many people could refuse a Pisces woman, they are simply just too sweet.. *aren't I?*

These women has a sixth sense, they just seem to know what’s coming next *and you tell me I don't get the logic?* Some people accuse these women of playing mind games, but mostly I believe that it is this extra sense, this added perception that is to blame for this.. *that's right.. perception baby!*

Pisces women are exceptionally sensitive*exceptional.. which means, I am?? go on.. go on..*.. This sensitivity brings an overwhelming kindness and care for others.. *ehh-ehemm!!* They can’t bare to see others suffer and will always try and help out people who aren’t as fortunate as herself.. *ehhhhghhemmm!!* She actually get’s embarrassed if she has been successful in her life and finds herself next to people who aren’t as wealthy as her. *anehh bhaaaa!! ;D*

This lady knows how to please in a relationship. *kitams.. kitams?* She is not pushy or nagging and just wants everyone to feel happy. *KOREK!! too bad for the jerks who didn't get the chance to see that*Seeing her family unhappy will cause her a great deal of pain as she kind of has the attitude that it is all down to her to sort out. *True.. Their burden is my burden..* As a mother she will be soft and sensitive and lovely really. Definitely a parent a child will be able to talk to if their is a problem. They may be worried about upsetting her though. *baet, totoo yan.. I love you so much eh*

The Pisces woman does have a tendency for feeling sorry for herself. If she is not brought out of this it could well lead to depression.. *kaya pala ko mabilis pumayat.. hmm..*Also watch for post natal depression in these women after they have had a child. This woman does have a tough side too. She may look like the perfect angel from the outside but this can change and she can turn into something else altogether, which will undoubtedly shock anyone who is close to this lady as it really doesn’t seem possible. *haha.. sorry naman po.. good girl naman talaga ko eh.. funny thing about the post partum.. It came even before I had given birth.. and do I really look like a Perfect Angel?? hahaha..* But it is, she is a pretty tough cookie under her armour of sensitivity. *awww..* She will get especially riled if she is pulled out from her dream world unwillingly. You have been warned. *haha.. kase naman eh.. i'm willing to go out of my shell.. in due time.. wala kase biglaan..*

And the pictures wouldn't be so difficult to figure out I guess. See yah!