And so.. A great month ends..

Whaow.. Could you believe January is over. What a month! Great things happened last month. Some things to smile about when a not-so-good a day comes by.. Met new friends and kept old-young ones. Attended fiestas.. Bonding moments.. Calls from the other side of the globe.. Same old.. Some new.. Been told was bloomin at times.. Other times.. not so.. Gaining some weight.. as I've been told.. YEY! Eating a lot.. Being pampered in ways one can not describe.. Been to places I've never been to before. Explored areas of the new and unchartered territories. Haay.. It's all good. No tears.. Almost though.. No room for complications. A little bit got in the way but of course, none that I couldn't handle.. so far.. Oh! and another thing.. I think I'm being stalked.. haha.. ndi naman siguro.. There's this guy who, as I've heard, is looking for me sa work.. Siguro friendly lang talaga ko.. Eyun.. Bala sha sa buhay nya.. I'm safe whenever I'm at work.. Got great friends there.. Who I'm missing already.. Got into a new team.. New schedule.. 10pm-7am MNL time.. Flunked my score cards and looking forward to the new scan sheet.. asa pa noh? haha.. A couple of my secrets spilled cos I couldn't keep my mouth shut.. Been showing a little bit of my crazy side.. Eh bakit ba.. Masarap kumain eh, diba.. Told stories na di naman tinatanong.. Kwento ng kwento.. ang daldal ko kase talaga.. Ayan tuloy.. I'm naked.. Exposed.. A lot of times sober and drunk.. Nawawalan pa rin ng mga stuff kase kung san saan nilalagay.. Got a bit of Sentiment in me.. which others find.. hmm.. attractive? Thanks much..
To sum it all up.. can I just smile..

Anyway..

February..
Love month.. nyaks! ayaw ko nun.. Siguro.. I'll tag it na lang as.. hmm..
Aayy.. I couldn't think of anything..
Let it pass.. It's just 28 days.. Ahah! 28 days later.. Horror movie yun diba?? That'll do..
Horror month..
eeww.. gonna spot lovers walking HHWW pa.. haha.. pa sweet.. MAG B-BREAK DIN KAYO! joke.. paka cynical talaga.. sige.. good for you guys..

Like what I promised myself before the year started.. I'm gonna leave everything behind.. Let the memories come back.. But that's it.. I couldn't stand a chance if I welcome and entertain such state of mind.. (couldn't even mention the word).. Gonna make the most out of each day.. Couldn't let my beautiful life pass me by..

Honesty

Watched The Moment Of Truth earlier. A game show where in one sits in a chair and asked with random questions picked from the result of a lie-detector exam whatever the contestant previously had. The contestant then answers the questions truthfully and in front of people of much importance to him/her. They say questions are tricky.. Wooh..

Creepy show ain't it? Even the word HONESTY is pretty much.. vie-hery creepy.

Hmm.. Well.. It can be great though.. Especially when you have people who don't need it. I can very much conclude that honesty is used by selfish people.. Either for redemption or for useless self-realizations. Honesty is as worse as Lies.. Come to think of it.. They are actual buddies.. The first can't exist without the other.. Haha..

You know what I think? I think we should wipe out those two, can't go on smoothly having them around diba? Pathetic my point of views may seem.. Eh bakit ba.. I'm just being...... Hmm.. Open.. Doesn't sound right either.. Can't be honest.. Cos then it would mean there are intentions for lies.. Can't tell the truth.. Cos then it would mean one's been giving out false info all along.. I am just confusing myself.. patawa noh..

Truth is.. (hmm..??)
To cut the commentaries short.. (can't do that..let's try..)

Let me tell you this..

It is easy for some to voice out a statement which may be pleasing to other's sense of hearing.. some may possibly be untrue (flattery perhaps?).. they are adored and idolized for some freakishly-unfair reasons you know. On the other side of the world, there are people who aren't actually good at voicing out the grandest statement they could ever think of, which tends to make them look foolish. Take me for example.. silly little pa mali-mali.. People who knows me enough, could spot if I'm lying.. It's amazing really, how they can actually tell. That's why I'm not very much comfortable when I am being cornered. I itch from the inside.. I can't really control it.. That's why I try not to speak.. I try not to lie.. Cos whenever I do.. Seems like I'm betraying myself.. Honesty..I don't like that word.. I'm not so thrilled with such use of the word.. The world is full of lies anyway.. Why would I even bother.. right..

NOTE: Since I am a good protector and all.. I tend to jump up to another level whenever I protect people who matters.. kaya.. eyun.. Loyalty might be in question here.. Wag isali yun.. Honesty and Loyalty are not within the same level.. Kaya.. hmm.. eyun lang..

Anyway..
Moving on..

How would Roan define the word HONESTY without looking at a dictionary.. Check it out..
HoNeStY - conveying truth from within one's persona.. not the context nor the actual fact.. but what the heart and mind actually agree upon that the physique may actually tend to contain......

Wanna share something really honest..

I don't have any problems.. I'm not asking for any though.. hehe.. Being troubled by the situation people around me are putting themselves into.
I'm in a state of undefined carefree expression wherein I don't actually have a clue of what to do next. Haha.. Need to spice up my life..

He will guide me.. I know.. Stand-by lang daw muna ko..

Ang dal-dal ko noh??

Haha.. sorry naman.. My mind doesn't seem to run out of things to say.. (huh?)
I feel like there's a lot I need to share.. My life is passing me by.. And there's so much I need to tell.. They can't be stuck in my mind alone.. I'm one package delivered right in front of your PC's and all you need to do is open it up to learn some of the good stuff.. and even the bad stuff.

Oh boy, you have no idea of the stuff that's running inside this mind.. My heart may be pure.. My mind ain't though.. hehe.. Would you rather read my mind.. or my heart.. Let me share again a couple from both of them..

I remember one time when I was lying down alone in my room..

Teasin..

I'm currently eating pizza.. Nagpa deliver kasi si kuya.. Yaks.. anu un.. may na-chew akong kakaiba.. Meat.. from the hotdog.. yung sa crust.. Nyaks.. Di nga ku mahilig dito eh.. I'm not very fond of stuff made out of flour.. except maybe pasta (flour ba yun?).. Ayoko ng flour.. one thing I would want to do with flour though is to play with it.. probably roll over it.. in a bikini.. haha! You know.. Ayun lang.. Speaking of bikini.. I remember my green piece.. I lost it sa Bohol.. Sexy pa naman nun.. mint green.. Actually.. lahat naman ng two piece sexy diba..

There is something else I want to share..
I'm so weak and a bit feelin low this week.. Been tryin to dodge things that is possibly here already..
I'm scared.. Like a little girl.. I didn't see this coming.. Haha!! Wait.. Now I remember..
I went to church the other week.. I was prayin to Him.. I told Him how happy I am for the new year He gave me..
I told Him something..
I asked for His permission..
I promised Him something..
I remember.. I did say I will try..
I thought I could outsmart Him..
Hindi naman outsmart.. I fear kase I may fail.. Kaya I was praying it safe
He's the smartest though..
What made me think, that He would let me goof around without any consequence at all.. He's very tricky, God.. Got a very great sense of humor really.. Ayan tuloy.. I'm not putting up an argument Lord.. I was just happy that I was not feeling any pain, the moment 2009 came in.. Everything comes with a price.. Haha! Isn't that ironic.. (inis.. tawa.. iyak..).. kase naman Ann eh.. di naman kaylangan mangyari to eh diba.. nagtatapang tapangan ka kase eh.. Kasi naman eh.. Ang daya.. No fair.. Lord naman po kasi eh.. You are a great creator.. Creating beautiful things.. Giving a chance for perfect eyes to see everything grand.. A mind that is capable of providing great imaginations and endless possibilities for anything.. I guess these things.. are a couple of spices He sprinkled upon us to make life a lot flavorful.. It's all a matter of control, He said.. (I heard Him).. I thought I could handle it.. I wasn't strong enough.. Haha.. Lord naman po kase eh.. Daya.. Hmph! Okay.. Another test I guess.. Great.. E kase naman po eh.. How could one resist..
Electric..
Blurry..
Hazy..
Other adjectives too complicated to mention..
A loser once again.. Lord, You dear tricky Lord.. I don't want to sound condescending pero.. Pwede po ba mejo make it easy on me.. hehe.. ang galing talaga kasi non..

Wala lang to

As I was sitting outside enjoying the cool breeze from a normal afternoon, thoughts from everywhere came crashing in my head in an instant. I could not start to grasp one specific thought to ponder. My brain got so busy and now.. My heart seems to take most of it seriously. I've been drowning myself over senseless endeavors and been very childish for a while, when I'm supposed to think of what really matters. Nothing really mattered to me.. I take things as they come.. I forgot I'm all grown up and that there are greater things in this world which we really need to pay attention to.. Like world peace and hunger..(wow).. and I realized.. I can make things happen pala. Come to think of it.. I am very good at making things happen. Things I really.. really want to happen..

The thing is, I am so in love with my family.. I haven't noticed that before. I never said it once.. I mean.. I did said I love them.. I just thought.. I never meant it enough. I don't usually hold grudges in my heart cos grudges wear people down. When they don't have the strength to be angry anymore.. One tends to give up.. Even the body wears out.. While as to when one is happy.. You can't seem to get enough of the energy your wholeness fits in to.. (not making sense?)

What I'm trying to say is.. I hate how people do mean stuff to other people. It makes me want to change things. I love a lot and when people do mean stuff to people who matters to me.. I want to get even by providing these people stuff they are being deprived of.. I don't even care if I'm doing it right (playing the hero), all I care about is that I am playing on the team that I was assigned to be in..

Went to my friends yesterday (naki fiesta). Great conversation na walang sense.. Tawanan for reasons that may appear of no importance to others.. I learned that the guy.. my best friend loved.. (who by the way made a great mistake hurtin besy) is making a come-back sa life nya again.. I hated that guy.. I remember how I wanted to punch his face til it bled to my enjoyment. I wanted to confront the guy cos I once knew how it feels to be f*ckin cheated on (hmm..??) and yes.. I know how it felt to be so sorry for cheating too. To which one hurts more.. you decide na lang..

I confronted the guy.. I asked him "mahal mo sha?" Nag pipigil nako. I was so ready to hear his "No.." about to nag and hit him afterwards but then.. He said.. "Oo.. wala ako dito kung hinde.." Still not convinced.. I was gonna slap him still, was grinning with a very doutful and furious look.. but then he said.. "Teka.. Hayaan mo ko mag-paliwanag.."

I did.. with a great control over my fist.. (Skinny man ako.. Palaban to noh!)
He explained a lot of things.. and surprisingly.. I kind of believed him.. My loyalty to my friends is strong.. But I know a sincere statement when I hear it. Being the idealist that I am is a very crappy disadvantage to my persona. To sum it all up.. they talked.. and I believe, may continuation pa yon.. I don't know if I made the right decision. Dapat ba I controlled the situation? I somehow knew kasi na she would be very happy kung mang yayari yung gusto nya.. I told her na lang.. I couldn't prevent bad things to happen.. I can't keep you from being happy.. All I could do is give her the benefit of the doubt.. trust her.. and if ever she fails.. I would be there for her.. I even told her.. Aabsent talaga ko.. I will always find time for her..

Moving on..

The mother of my father.. I mean my grandmother is sick.. (seems there is a little hostility?? a lot maybe..haha! wala noh!!) She's there sa bed nya.. Resting lang.. My tita is watching over her.. Dalawa lang sila magkapatid ni Tatay.. Si Tatay? He's being the great Tatay that he is.. You know what? Let me tell you something about him. My father is my hero. He's my ideal man. A good provider.. Not that funny minsan kasi mejo seryoso.. Pag nag jojoke, natatawa ako kasi minsan di ko ma-gets.. Kaya natatawa ko sa sarili ko.. May mga banat din yon na matitindi, kala moh!.. Mapapa isip ka talaga. He's really witty.. Madaming alam.. He likes to read.. Mabutingting sa mga kung anu anong mga bagay. He has his own room nga of kung anu ano.. But none of us gets the chance to see what's inside the mysterious room of the unknown.. I mean.. Off limits kami eh.. Siguro gumagawa sha ng space ship nya don.. haha.. Malamang sa kanya ko na mana yung pagiging mabuting ting.. I remember kase, there are times I could fix broken electronic stuff sa bahay.. Like pag sira yung dvd player.. Pag sira yung fan.. or yung door.. basta.. I wonder how I could fix them.. La naman ako alam sa electronics.. Blue wire? Red wire? BOOM!

If given the chance to be a daughter of some other guy.. could I have chosen to be an Ayala.. a Marcos.. or a Hilton.. perhaps a Windsor. Haha!! no way.. I'd still be a DIMAPASOC! Proud to be! May not have that much dinero or popularity.. My tatay spoiled me in ways I could not complain about.. I am a princess in my Tatay's, the King, own life.. And with that.. the princess will also be the general of the King's army.. or whatever you call the one who protects the king.. I would fight his battle.. to my very last breath. May have been a prodigal daughter doing things I clumsily chose to.. May have hurt the King unintentionally.. God knows.. Ay talaga naman.. Basta.. Naku... And how I wolud be crushed and burned alive if my family gets hurt.. Lalo na Tatay ko.. Ay! T*ng *na talaga.. Susubok ka pa lang sabog na bituka mo.. (ang morbid) pero something like that.. My father is the wind beneath my wings.. You get what I'm saying? I tend not to care about other people lalu na pag binabastos yung mga taong sobrang importante sakin.

I'm sorry God if I have been welcoming all this fury. I don't mean not to care. I just hate how people can be so selfish. I learned a lot earlier.. I did not like what I learned.. I've been hearing bad stuff na before.. But I was not minding them.. My lolo probably knew what to do. I don't like hating people.. especially pag ganyan.. Kase naman.. Saktan mo ko, sure I'll take it.. Kill me if you can.. Just don't mess with my family.. You wouldn't have my sympathy..

I'm too smart to feel this much grudges over stuff I could not explain bluntly in words.. basta.. I understand na I'm being insensible.. I'm sorry.. It's just my nature.. Reaction lang ng mga nag mamahal..

Forgive me Lord kung ganito nafefeel ko.. Guide me po.. I know everything will be all right in the end.. Please take good care of me.. So that I could take care of them->my family, friends and people who matters to me.. Please protect them for always.. and yung mga nag mamahal sa kanila.. Para po marami pa mag protect sa kanila..

Just want to share this

Got a rewarding job you know.. Spendin a lot of time with new friends.. Kinda few.. but it's the quality that counts.. been havin a lot of that lately.. havin fun makes me miss the person I get to spend most of my FUN times with before.. My besy..

Let me tell you the story of how our friendship all began..

When I was in highschool, I had my mind set on going to UST. I wanted all the good things I was hearing about the school.. Got intimidated cos I believed I wouldn't fit in.. Stuck to the thought that my brains wouldn't be able to catch up with the intense kasipagan and katalinuhan that people might have displayed within the vicinity.Planned on getting into AC sa makati.. but the course I wanted wasn't offered there.. I was so immature and I got into LCC for no deep reason.. hehe.. My friends wanted to go there.. so I did too.. how lame could one be.. haha! I remember.. Ayaw pa ni tatay dun ako mag school kase it was far from home and lagi daw may raly. I remembered how I threw myself sa sofa cos we were arguing about that.. He wanted me to go to AC eh I don't like kasi una.. Malapit lang and I have no friends going into that school.. Kaya, in the end.. Spoiled little brat got it her way.. again..

My first day in college.. exciting.. complete ang gamit ng lola mo.. New bag.. New shoes.. Everything's new.. Just like highschool.. But this time.. Little bird is out of the cage.. No more school bus.. No more hatid sundo! Yeah boy! I'm free..

One ordinary day sa school.. I met her.. Jonah.. A very smart girl na everytime would speak sa classroom.. I couldn't help but listen to what she has to say.. I pictured myself sa kanya.. I admired how she could easily express her ideas effortlessly while I, on the other hand.. Tends to stutter a lot.. And gets in trouble pa every time I speak my mind kase.. Hindi ko nasasala yung thoughts ko.. (mashado madumi ata..joke..) But her.. Grabe.. ang galing.. I admired her.. All the things I want to say.. Lumalabas sa bibig nya.. Flawless pa.. Sha ang gagawin kong spokes person if ever I would be needing one.

She belongs to another group just like I belong to another.. One time.. no professor.. Sobrang haba ng vacant.. We decided to search for a place na pwede mag hang out yung buong class.. Well.. kung sino yung mga present that time.. Konti lang kami eh.. We explored the streets of Mendiola.. Ayan na.. I remember exactly how silly we were kasi.. We don't know where we're going and parehas kami nag mamagaling.. Pretending we know exactly what we both we're doing.. When we suddenly notice nasa middle na kami ng intersection.. We crossed the street diagonally.. as in tinahak namin ang kagitnaan ng Mendiola at Legarda.. Natatawa talaga ko cos para kaming mga bata.. Well.. bata pa naman talaga kami non eh.. Mejo aged na nga lang ngayon ng konti lang naman eh.. haha.. I remembered..

"Oh.. ayan.. teka.. tara.. teka.. ayan.. ayan.. oh.. go.. teka.. ayan na.. teka.." hahaha!

I know subconsciously, we were both scared.. Di lang kami nagpa halata.. Sort of.. showing na don't worry-Matapang ako-I'll protect you sa pag tawid kind of way.. Tapos.. bigla na lang.. we held hands.. And that's when I knew.. Something great is about to start.. haay.. I miss her..

We both managed to cross the street naman alive and complete.. And I can still remember the very first place we found.. It was in Mickey's Billiards.. The very first time I was able to play the game. So amateurish, I could've sworn people were giggling behind us. E kasi marunong na ko ngayon, and each time I see a newb playing with their plangketa so kakaiba.. I remember nung kami din ganon.. haha.. whew!

We spent a lot of time together after that. In a special way, I found someone who I can share my interest with.. We jive.. We mesh well together.. We've been through a lot and we shared a lot of things together.. We joined an organization na.. We've been involved with a lot of cat-fights.. There were down moments but.. No worries.. We've been apart for some time, but when our eyes would meet.. Instant connection.. Automatic attraction.. Hay.. One of the few whom I shared the best conversations with.. was with her..

I remember pa.. when we're with each other.. That is the only time na legal mang lait.. We make fun of ourselves and others.. We laugh hysterically about things we say.. Many times natutulala kami parehas.. we are together and we enjoy each moment even wala kami pinag uusapan.. we stare stupidly at anything in front of us.. then we laugh for no particular reason at all.. then.. silence afterwards.. then.. back to staring na..hahaay.. there was a time pa nga na we ran away from home.. for no reason at all din.. Just to be with each other.. Tambay kung kanikaninung house.. good times.. Marami na kami napad padan..

Grabe.. We may not be able to share a lot of firsts and last.. anything.. like sexual affairs.. (haha! magka iba kase yung preference diba?? hehe..) We have proven ourselves na with each other.. she will always be there for me and i would do the same for her.. and more.. she is there to understand me palagi.. and she knows pano ko bumawi.. My besy.. she puts up with me.. She loves me and she takes good care of me..she is my lawyer.. she fights my battle.. ayaw nya may nagawa or even mag isip ng masama sakin.. and ganun din ako sa kanya.. and kahit we are apart.. kahit just a text away lang.. ang dami na magic nangyayari samin pag nag uusap kame.. I know she cares about me.. I'm very grateful for having her in my life..

Yung downside ng fun is you get to miss people you used to goof around with.. eh tapos recently.. I don't get to spend much time with them pa.. I miss them.. Pero this Sunday, there would be a get together daw.. yey.. makaka sama ko na naman sila.. Excited na ko.. Lam mo ba the time na sobrang broken ako.. sha yung pinaka bida sa harap ko.. I'm seeing her now.. Up until now.. na gguilty pa rin ako sa absence ko last time.. besy.. Love kita.. and I would never intentionally bail out on you.. Sorry ulet huh.. I hope I could make it up to you.. Para kasing kulang pa yung pag bawi bawi ko.. Great thing about her is.. everything..

Couldn't hate her.. Love ko sha sobra.. If I were a guy.. na type sha.. and hindi nya ko bestfriend.. I would do everything to have her.. or at least.. make her stay..

We may not have a perfect friendship.. But I surely have the bestest friend in the world.. and I'm so proud of that..

Missing Analyne, Trev, Pipoy, Alvin, Ana and Snek also.. hehe.. People who tolerate my kababawans.. The guys na anjan when I'm wasted and trashed.. Masaya kahit wala mashado magawa.. Contented knowing they are just around.. Mahaba habang bonding to.. Yey!

A dose of my favorite state

Have you ever thought about flying to the states? Picturing yourself roaming around the most powerful country in the world? All the liberty.. all the freedom..

I don't..

I like where I am today. I'm contented just cos I am here.. I enjoy everything around me.. I have everything I need right here.. like my job for example.. I like my work space.. I enjoy talking to people from the US.. Some are grateful.. Some can be rude.. It's all fine.. Couldn't complain..

Talk about the US.. I have one favorite state.. gives me indescribable pleasure whenever calls come in.. The state's Florida.. Actually, I don't want to think about it.. I try to dodge calls from the place.. But you know what.. the force is quite stronger on the other end.. I get a lot of calls from the place.. I tend to respond in an instant.. It drives me crazy when I try to ignore calls from that state.. It seems to me like it's my very own happy place.. Only it's bawal.. I mean.. malabo pala.. hehe..

Couldn't stop thinking about my favorite state.. spendin time doon.. haay.. My sunshine state.. (I love sunny days pa naman).. Chill lang.. I'm even considering going there pala.. or be taken there.. Thinkin about what the place may do for me.. What it has to offer.. Just thinkin about everything.. gives such warmth and ease to my senses.. Brings me to cloud nine.. plus a lot of goosebumps and tummy ache.. yung masarap na feeling ah.. basta.. I wish I could come to Florida with just a whim of my heart.. Such a perfectly great place to be in.. What adds up to the craziness is.. it's like I've been there before.. I have the smell.. the vision.. all in my head.. wana be there.. but really.. I can't.. cos it's far and.. it's hard to get there..

Hay nako Florida.. I wonder what it would be like walking on your grounds.. Feeling the breeze.. Sniffin the air.. for as long as I could.. Wonderin how it would feel like to be where you are.. Thinking about all the chances and possibilities.. haay.. That state.. my favorite state in the world..

I don't want this day to end really.. and I can't wait for the next day to come.. Ever since I learned about Florida.. I just got to have a dose of it.. every single day.. even in my thoughts lang.. Calls please.. hehe..

I couldn't believe that I would be able to feel this light..

That I don't have feelings for hatred, anger or fright..

I couldn't help but compile all the rhyme..

Even when I am committing a beautiful crime..

I bet this is what they call euphoria..

An instance when you get amnesia..

From all the sorrow agony and pain..

Provided by one so cruel, vile and so vain..

I wonder how I could get out of this state..

Cant believe I am accepting my fate..

Missin you already oist, can't you tell..

Missin everything including your smell..

Bad.. Bad.. Bad.. I just got better..

Crazy at times and definitely sober..

The heart doesn't play tricks and so shouldn't you..

For I don't have a chance if I try to fight too..

Keep me away from emotions and I will be just fine..

Don't mess with the mind or attempt to cross the line..

You know I can be so naive, gentle and very kind

But I also know how to mess up your mind..

Do you see how silly this girlie can be..

Not minding everythig the eye could see..

Did I mention I couldn't ever stop smiling..

It's cos of that little extra something..

I have no idea of what I am talking about.. I don't know what I'm saying.. I'm so silly.. I'm distracted by a big bag of confusion.. Weird thing is.. it's making me smile.. making me laugh.. making me high.. I don't like it.. I know what I want.. (I think).. I don't want anything.. Not anytime soon.. I don't like anything.. I'm good just the way I am.. I need a good slappin in the face every time I'm stuck up smiling like a retard..

I try every time I fail.. I lose every time I fall.. I try every time I lose.. I lose each time.. And I haven't won yet.. That's cos I'm a push-over.. I try to understand but I still don't get it.. I try to be nice but somehow.. cruel things happen to me.. ain't that a cliche.. Should I participate in the dog eat dog kind of world?? nah.. di bale na.. What state am I really in.. I'm confused.. hehe.. can anyone help me?

I'm very rusty today.. Can't start anything sensible.. I don't know why I'm stuck up.. I'm not very productive.. I'm just smilin like a crazy person.. Even when I'm lying down.. Smilin for no particular reason at all.. I don't like it.. or maybe I do.. no.. maybe I don't.. Maybe this is what happens after the worst case scenario.. a really bad situation.. You just burst out a lot of happy endorphins.. In tagalog.. nababaliw na ata ako.. hehe..

Yah.. (smile).. sure I miss you too..
huh??
forgot the medications.. sorry..

Teka san na ba ko? Florida na ba to.. Thanks.. dito po muna ko.. I like it here..

what am I saying??????

So far.. So good a start..

Where's a good pen when you need one. I missed blogging. Grabe..what a week. I didn't know I would be spending my first week like that.

New year's eve, went to the apartment of my friend with some guys from work to celebrate the birthday of one of them. Went there twice already, the first time was a bit scary cos it was really close to a place where I wouldn't wish to be found dead. Enjoyed the day and my co-workers were a bit carried away by the whole situation I was putting them into. I was teasing everyone and playing cupid to..haha! Basta.. Lahat sila.. tawa ulet.. haha! Kaso.. ako una naka tulog.. Ayon, when I woke up it was 11:30 na.. I jumped out of the room and immediately.. ran downstairs pero ala talagang masakyan sa 711. I went back up and took the opportunity to welcome 2009. I was there sa terrace and nag tatalon like crazy. Sarap ng feeling sumabay sa ingay. After that, I headed home. Sobrang scary yung daan.. It was my first time to see the streets of Manila like that. Hardly any cars. No human in sight..hehe.. It was like a real life Silent Hill eksena.. Yung driver pa medyo eerie looking.. joke lang..

Upon landing home.. Quick XOXO from the family, a quick bath and quite a lot of time enjoying the food. Hmm.. I headed for work afterwards.. and that is where it all began.. huh? anu daw?

I have no complains towards my work. There may be foul-speaking callers.. A little trouble navigating my way through the computer.. may not know how to solve every single inquiry.. A lot of stutters and dead air.. Hmm.. I'm quite getting the hang of it naman.. Especially when you get to spend it with people who are very interesting and fun to be with.. (parang highschool.. "fun to be with" ba hehe).

I thought. 2008 was full of surprises and a lot of things from that year, broke me off into pieces. I was a bit out of focus for a while and my life's direction was bound to nowhere. I have been looking at my life from a historian's point of view. I got so clingy to the memories and I couldn't help recalling every single detail even if most of them were "uncool" and not that healthy for me.. crazy thing is.. I tend to crave for more information and the more hurtful the blah-blah is.. the more I lingered and savor the moments. Nyaks.. eng-eng talaga noh? Parang..
"Sige! Saktan mo pa ko!!!" hehe..

I never hated that year though.. There are a lot of unobvious blessings that came along with all the bitterness. Old friends still there no matter what.. New crazy friends.. my Family.. being the family that they are.. A job that suits my lifestyle.. at meron pang iba.. You know what they say.. "When one aspect in your life starts to fall apart.. another part blossoms.." yan ba yun sabi nila?.. sabi ko lang ata yan.. Basta something like that..

I have fallen into a pit wherein I have allowed myself to be ravished by creatures of the unknown.. (lalim..)
I have been very unfair to myself..

"I'm sorry myself.." hehe..

I think it's time to get a hold of my emotions. It is my worst enemy, you know. And now that I am okay.. and so intouch with my happiness.. lagot.. mag kaka meron akong bagong kaaway.. It's my wild side.. the naughty and playful girl who always has a way of contending with the angel that I am.. and also.. Since I'm single and I have a young heart.. hala na.. See.. the thing is.. I love beer.. and when I've had too much of it.. I'm like Charlie Baileygates.. familiar ba? basta.. Kaya nga it's nice to be around guys that you can trust yourself with.. People who will respect you.. even if you try to violate them.. Hay..

Off the record.. (at i-publish mo.. patawa..).. Hmm.. Panu ba..

Let me tell you something serious..

I know a girl kasi.. She's been very different lately..

Teka.. Hmm.. Ganto na lang..

Deep is the reverie of one so fair,

Body so fragile with just a defiant stare,

Temptress as defined by her character,

Fiery is the soul and self's in danger.

Is there a way of controlling the passion?
For the heart can't face its destruction,
The laity may condemn and derive,
An angle why love may not survive.

Currently evasive and a bit hesitant,

Caroused and quite flamboyant,
Keeping distance for a possible affliction,
Venture in focus and self preservation.

Joke lang.. Just trying to sound smart.. wag na ituloy kaka bashful.. Huuiy.. ang hirap when your vocabulary is very limited.. I could not imply what I want to.. Hayaan na nga natin yan.. Mukha naman may sense diba.. So basically.. I just wanted to say.. I don't want to be bad.. (labo noh?)

Anyway.. I'm welcoming New Year 2009.. I hope this one is more prosperous.. as well as the years to come..

Lord, thank you po for being the Father that You are to all of us.. I know that everything You do.. You do it because You love us.. Paki ingatan po yung mga taong nag mamahal sa family ko.. Please keep my family and friends safe.. Help me to excell in what I do.. or at least be better.. Thank you for everything and Dear God.. Wag ka po mapapagod saming lahat huh.. Lalo na sakin.. I know I can be very maldita at times.. But you know.. Mahal din naman po kita eh.. See You later..

Updates (may comments lang..)

Been a while since I jotted down stuff about yours truly. Let me recall the last thoughts I remembered.

There was a concert last December 20th.. Parokya ni Edgar showed off their crafty moves. It was good.. but not as great as Parokya ni Ferds.. hehe..

I can't believe I'm smiling stupidly at this moment. I was so dumb-found sleepy and tired from all the excitement this New Year 2009 has to offer. I was expecting a particular someone to spend the new year with.. but unbelievably.. I get to smell it with the person.. (haha! anung smell? spend diba dapat..) I never thought would be there.. Happy New Year to you.. Everyaonee of fyou (huhoooh..spelling mo bru!)

Teka..sleep muna ko..antooooek pa ko medyo.. may pasok ap ko maya.. wait lant huh.. hilo pan...

to tbe continuedd..

wait lang.. laseing pa ang Roan natin..hehe.. araw arawin dawo ba.. pahing a po myna tayo.. (di halata..let's keep this blog this way..we have an evidence on file..the girl is a hazard to herself.. a bit sober..funny..)

My Very Own Twilight Story

"I sTiLL dReAm oF a fAirYtaLe eNdiNg.. bUt wHaT I wAnT iS nOt A pRinCe cHarMinG wiTh a miGhty sWord nOr A kNighT oN a dAsHiNg wHiTe hOrSe.. bUt a VaMpirE.. wHo gOt oFf fRom eiThEr A sHinIng siLvEr VoLvo.. oR a TaXi cAb.. -RoAn- ♥/♥"

I just finished watching Twilight. Perfect movie that defines how I love. You know how the movie mentioned.. When vampires start to fall in love..They never fall out of it. That is how I am. I love, forever.. And I can not wait to find someone whom I could share this strong emotions with. I tend to be very clingy and protective of the one I love. I want someone just like Eward Anthony Masen Cullen.. for I can be the Isabella Marie Swan who will want to be with that person for eternity.. up to the point of losing everything I own.. Even become someone I am not supposed to.. so just to be with my other half.. the one who would complete me..

Call me dreamy and stupid.. I don't care.. I thought that person came. But I was wrong.. The heart belongs to someone else.. I'm being unfair to myself.. And it's hurting my friends.. My family doesn't know.. I'm sorry dear ones.. But I could not control who this heart would pick.. I never forced myself to fall.. I just did.. And as much as I wanted to opt out of this.. I don't know how.. I'm far too scared.. I asked God to cut the cord.. But somehow.. He wouldn't..

My head is aching.. and I don't want to be sick.. I'm scared to learn the truth.. I'm shaking.. I don't want to let go.. But I have to.. I wanted to be happy with her.. But God is making it difficult for me.. The more I fight it.. The more it hurts..

When will my VaMpiRe come.. Rescue me soon.. Take a bite..

You probably don't know it yet.. But here's why you'll miss me..

A normal girl would say...I love you so much...
Roan would say.. I love you more than my life..

A normal girl would say...Bye.. Take care
Roan would say.. Hurry back to me..

A normal girl would say...I can find someone better...
Roan would say.. No one will ever come close..

A normal girl would say...No one will love you like I would...
Roan would say.. There's none that I'd rather love but you..

A normal girl would say...I miss you...
Roan would say.. You've taken half of myself with you..

A normal girl would say...I want to be part of your life...
Roan would say.. You are my life now..

A normal girl would say...Don't leave me...
Roan would say.. I wont ever leave you..

I will wait for you my very own version of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen..

Just what I thought

Why do I care? I have to finish this before I fall completely apart and drown into situations far too complicated to be fixed. I didn't got my wish for Christmas, but at least I get to hear the voice. I couldn't talk.. Quite palpitating and grasping for air.. I wanted to say so much but my breath was running out on me. An hour late after midnight.. a minute of connection.. Quite a lot longer hours of tear-jerking..
The first time I ever got a "sorry" was because the person didn't hear the call and wanted me to callback. I did called back but unable to verify the voice.. I didnt' trusted.. How could I.. I'm too afraid to face everything.. I wanted to talk to her.. but things would crush me down.. IThe feelings were far too strong.. I could not contain it.. I know what I have to do.. but I have to compose myself first.. I will let go eventually.. I just have to learn how to take the first step.. And what might that be? Admit that it is game over.. Dead end.. Check mate.. Nothing that I do or say or even feel and think.. Could change anything today.. I lost this time.. No one who loves me enough could let me win for this year. Have to accept everything.. Look forward for a new tomorrow.. Christmas was ruined.. Could not let New Year be ruined too.. Have to close this one this year..

I promise myself.. I will be better.. I will be happy for the sake of the people who still loves me.. By the way.. Thanks for my friends who were there for me until midnight.. You touched my heart.. Big time.. It migh not show.. Since I haven't got any good sleep lately.. And my head is aching.. real bad.. I've got to say.. I appreciate everything..
I'm sorry for my break downs lately.. I'm just so full of fear.. And I have to face those fears before I completely lose myself.. I don't know how? I don't know when? But I have to talk to her.. Face to face.. So when we go on our separate ways.. All the feelings.. Would leave aswell.. I need to gather my strength.. I have to let go..

iT's His biRthDay

Don't forget to greet The Birthday Boy!
God bless us all..
Merry Christmas Everyone..
Gona miss it this year..
Been crying the whole day..
Can't stop..
Gona spend it at work..
Can already see myself walking papunta work later..
Alone and crying.. =')
Missing everyone..
Wawa naman ako noh.. hehe..
Yakap po.. ='(

Param beybi ba ku..

I like Leigh Nash as an artist.. She's so pretty and I like her voice..

This Christmas season.. I like her "Wishing For This" song.. Sobrang soothing and malambing.. Parang ako.. Noh??..

But you know.. I was really tear-jerkin when I heard Monica's "Grown-Up Christmas List".. Couldn't help it.. I liked every line from the song.. It's so selfless.. and Got me cryin like a baby.. The rest of the songs in there.. sa playlist ko.. Yung mga may title na "All I Want For Christmas.." la lang naman.. Kase.. I want a partcular someone for Christmas.. None else.. But I can't po eh.. I have to stay away...................

Wanna liste to my playlist? It's all posted sa fs ko.. copy paste na lang po sa ip address box this one right below..

->http://profiles.friendster.com/81761818<- check em out kei.. ang cute pa ng page ko..

Goodnight seyo.. Pasok na ko..

[Have to work Christmas Eve.. sad noh.. La ku family sa work..]

(Sob) . . .

...................

my heart has been sh*t out of it's luck.. in spite of all the fears.. crying has been a f*cked up habit.. wanna make things better so bad.. only one good thing I ever could need.. but would one do it for love.. or for a little dose of serenity.. i don't know..

®

I still want you.. but as much as I want to be with you.. i just can't have you in my life anymore.. i love you too much.. and it's really painful.. and i just can't look at you the same way.. knowing what happened..

®

I've forgiven you.. and i know that with just a look.. the feelings would grow even more.. and i can't do that.. i just can't have myself be broken by you.. over and over again..
®
I've always thought that we should be together.. but I was wrong.. we can't hurt each other anymore.. i know that when i see you again.. i would hug you.. so tight..

..so tight that it would feel so right.. but then I wouldn't be able to let you go.. and i can't do that.. cos the truth is going to kill me.. and I'm scared.. cos i know i will take you back.. and i don't want to do that.. cos i can't bare to lose you again..

®

i still want you.. and i know I will love you until I die..
but I've learned to face.. that you're not with me anymore..

My heart is with you still.. but I have to be away from you..

for I'm safe here.. loving you from afar.. where you can't hurt me anymore..

..no one's ever gonna protect me.. but myself alone..

®

..even though we're not together.. no matter who you're with.. as long as you're here.. in this world.. alive and safe.. I'm happy with that..

®

Baby.. I pray for you all the time.. and I just have to say.. there's not a day that passes by.. that I don't think about you and I..

®

......i miss you......

Sa totoo lang

Everyday I go to work from 12am up to 9am. I take a bath for long hours and I walk around everywhere afterwards. If I get the chance to drink with my co-workers, I grab it and I stay at the workplace for long hours, until there is no one to talk to anymore. I get two hours of sleep the most and I rarely stay at one place without doing anything. I seldom sleep in my room and I take my naps downstairs where there is a lot of noise from the television.

Before I sleep and upon waking up I puff yosi. I can finish a packet at one sitting and I started drinking coffee even if I don't like the thing.. I'm quite addicted to it actually. I keep myself busy and I don't want to talk to people who doesn't say much because I tend to tell my story.. and they seem to be very interested with it. I watch CSI and Suspense Movies and a lot of Sci-Fi's and I try to avoid romantic flicks or even movies with a bit of a sentiment in it. I secretly get offended by the most petty jokes about broken relationships and even if they were not addressed to me, I get so confused in an instant. I comment on happy stories of my peers so vaguely.. about their love life.. their dates and how I secretly envy couples who has been together for more years.. I secretly shrug at people who get heart-b*tch-broken over years of commitment ending real bad.. Huh!? Ganun.. Ewan ko rin eh.. I'm under a lot of stress and sa totoo lang po.. ang sama na ng pakiramdam ko.

I tried shopping. It didn't help. Nauubos sweldo ko..and with what? Shoes? Ones I don't even use. I don't want to lend it to my sisters because I tend to place them only for display in my room for admiration purposes. I wear them a lot inside the house as I walk around doing nothing at all.

I bought my favorite perfume..the best in the world for me.. but could I even consume two of them at a time? I bought some gifts for my friends and I was so f*cking hesitant and fearful during the purchase because I felt they would not appreciate what I would give. My best friend though, made it clear to me..that she loved my gift. I know she did liked it.. cos I did too. Wow.. that one was a big deal for me. It kind of eased out the confusion and tension for moment in time.

However, I don't wanna go to work anymore. I'm so tired. Even if I'm not doing anything..tears starts to fall down my face. Silly thing is, at one time, while I was working.. and talking to a client.. Tears started falling for no particular f*cking reason at all. The client doesn't even have anything to do with it. Sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko and I'm quite tired of saying I'm tired. I just wanna drop dead. And literally, my head is aching so badly.. and I feel like I deserve more than two hours of sleep. What's happening to me God? I try to look for other past time but I can't. I want to buy an Ipod but I can't listen to music because it will lead to more pathetic reminiscing and more thinking. I want to buy DVD's.. but I believe there would be more to think about while watching.

I think with all these stress.. I'm soon to fade.. GREAT! I've been real busy.. and I want to get some real rest.. I can't stop moving kase.. I don't want to explore my mind.. It's quite a very dangerous little space and a bit being a hazard to me.

Like the a couple of thoughts right now..

"I never knew.. And after I have found out.. I never messed up anyone's life.."

"So, if that's the case why mess up with my mind..??"

"What more is there to say.."

"Even a little sorry?" *asa ko B*bo! saka g*go wag na!*

"Misser" *why?*

"Bakit biglaan?" *mam*tay kna roan! g*go! tanong ka pa*

"Diba nilag lag sa lahat?"

"Sinira sa ibang tao"

"Why justify everything?"

"Unfair..why not k*ll me instead"

"I want Marlboro Lights.."

"Gusto ko din ng coke..yung malamig na malamig na malamig.."

"Pwdeng cherry coke.."

"Hard feelings?"

None right? No hard feelings.. It's all just a matter of me.. adjusting to a f*cked up situation.. Provided by a f*cked up mind of a f*cked up person who has a 100% disregard for my humanity.

"Never would've trusted you were respected.."
"What could've been if I never fell.."

"Would I feel as much pain"

"Would I loved as much.."

That's life.. You win some.. You lose even a lot more.. And some f*cking weakling like me couldn't do anything about it..

"If I die.. would I ever go to heaven?

I wrote down my passwords on my Blank Book.. YM's Imeems, Friendster.. as well as the one from my Locker at work..

"I am humbled.. a couple of times.."

"Humiliated.. a lot of times.."
"Disrespected.. by the one person I ever.. truly loved.."

"Lost gambling.. once again.."

I know I said I'm not good at betting on anything.. I always lose when I gamble..

"All I want for Christmas is you.."

A peek inside my mind
I don't want o think for now..

Name that phobia

I was actually looking for a perfect definition of how I am feeling. I wanted to write an article about it.. but I am not fully composed. I am out of my mind and grasping for a clear breath.. but I could not grab anything sensible. I could not compose a thought. Only adjectives.. Feeling so much betrayed.. in a couple of angles..

I lost 6,800.. Someone stole from my account. I worked hard for it. Why do I lose things I work hard for. Things I invested in.. Am I that stupid.. I'm so sick.. I know I can trust my family.. and friends.. But why can't I just trust everybody with my life..

Maybe that's my talent after all. See.. I was wondering what I was actually ever good at.. A special field that I actually excel on.. Found it!! Allowing others to take take advantage of me.. Not in a sexual way.. haha.. I'm so great at losing stuff..

I got broken again.. Maybe I wasn't fixed after all.

I lay in bed all day... all night.. I didn't wanted to move. I was so confused and really helpless.. Why would somebody want to steal from me.. Maybe cos I give a lot.. and they would not think I would mind.

Will this ever end.. haha! I'm quite sick of this.. It's like having a third eye.. only.. it is open not for ghosts.. but for foulness.. pain.. abuse.. rudeness.. mean people and bad manners.. lies..

I am very naive.. I'm weak!! I could not think of revenge.. I take everything.. Hard blows and kicks.. And I know, that with just a sweet lie.. one sorry.. a touch.. a hug.. FORGIVEN!

Very soft..
Fragile..
Such a woos..
A freaking baby!!
(helpless.. a lot of fears.. shattering body.. trembling hands.. in constant pain.. tears)

I'm just quite tired though.. Seriously, I am.. really quite sick of you all.. What have I done to you? Mabuting tao naman ako ah.. Kunin nyo yung di importante.. Ako pa mag hahatid sa inyo..

Teka.. Tanong lang.. Masarap naman ako bumawi diba..
Nakakasawa kayo.. Hilo na ko..

I guess I'll just have to laugh about it.. There are things in this world that I can't do anything about.. or maybe there is.. I'm just not aware of the good ones to do.. and there are a lot of obvious bad ones but I just chose not to be mean.. Cos if I did.. God would really hate me.. And I know how He rewards kind people.. I would not want Him to smite me..

But honestly po.. Pagod na ko.. Gusto ko na lang po matulog.. Lagi..
Name that phobia.. and continue to live with it anyway..

Ann.. Please.. Enough already..

Sh*T i hate this.. Calling the name again.. MISSING HER!?! ayoko na neto.. why won't it go away.. i hate this.. are you crying again Roan.. no.. please.. STOP NA.. why can't you just move the F*Ck on!! You're stup*d.. Mag isa ka lang dito.. YOU'RE STUP*D! Why won't you just die.. Mam*tay ka na ROAN.. ANG T*NGA MO!!! Baket ba?? Ano ngayon kung Holidays? T*NGA!! B*BO!! Anung paki alam nya sayo!! Like it would matter to anyone that you're like that! Kilala mo sha diba? Why are you still here ROAN! You're STUP*D!! F*CKING STUP*D B*TCH! DROP DEAD STUP*D B*TCH!! T*NGA KA ROAN!! M*MATAY KA NA!! That person will never.. ever have a heart for you.. The beast will always be A BEAST!! You should've known that from the start.. You should've never ever hoped that there is goodness inside that person's heart for you.. Umasa ka even if you knew all along.. Let go Ann.. Please.. Why are you still here.. Fairy tales aren't real..

I'm sorry Lord.. You know how I feel.. i can't let go.. I'm holding on too tight.. and it's bleeding.. a lot.. but i don't seem to notice.. please cut my hands.. let me let go.. I'm not safe here.. no one's protecting me.. cut my hands Lord..

(not my hands God.. figuratively speaking lang po.. *iyak-tawa*)

jUsT bEiNg mY siLLy seLf

They say that if you contain your emotions, you may explode..
Scientifically, I heard something of the same sort.. Something about a law of physics or.. I don't know.. I just can't remember exactly what it was.. but anyway.. I don't really care.. I've acted more stupidly before.. what difference does saying this matters anyway.. paki nila right.. this is what I feel eh.. wala naman akong inaagawan.. I did everything to fix things.. But the person left anyway.. Ganun talaga.. You win some.. You lose some.. Can't wait for the right one Lord.. Sus! Ala naman.. Eh.. eh.. ka-tagal..

I'm losing my social life.. Puro work.. work.. work.. La naman prospect sa work.. Outside sa work ala din.. No butterflies in my tummy.. Puro hangin lang ang laman.. Kaka yosi.. hehe..

Miss the feeling of being inlove.. But the question is.. Was I ever IN-love? hmm..

Kaylan kaya sha darating.. Yung meron talagang striking kilig factor.. One where in everything is reciprocated.. One where in masasabi namin parehas sa ibang tao..
"I'm so lucky to have this person in my life.."
"This is the one.."
"Perfect combination.. Match made in heaven"
"Could not ask for anything more"
"Happy together.. Forever..
Yung tipong napapangiti even for no reason at all.. Just because naiisip namin isa't isa..
Yung totoong for Eternity and Till death do us part kind of love..
Yung wala kaming sabit sa past the time na mag tagpo kami..
As in both single and clear na lahat ng history..
And the future.. haaaahhy.. Just right..
Yung masaya cos the person is yours and at the same time scared din.. cos it might all go away.. But we know it wouldn't.. and we cry because we're so happy..

Ang dreamy ko.. Is that even for me Lord.. Puro fake kasi yung dati.. Best words to describe them..
OUCH.. Excellent Lessons..
What are your plans for me po.. Matigas talaga ulo ko.. Parang di natututo.. Pero Lord, if I may ask of you.. Ayoko na po ng tests.. I will wait for my soulmate.. I won't be in a hurry.. Pero I will anticipate everyday that I come closer to meeting the one for me.. My Knight.. in his shining armour.. Kung pwede po naka BMW pag dating nya.. hehe.. Biro lang po about the car..
I hope you bring that person to me na.. Kahit naka jeep lang sha or naka trycicle.. hehe..

I know it's going to be grand..
All the pain..
All the waiting..
I'm so sure it's all worth it..

Lord..
Kaw po huh..

Excited na ko makilala sha.. Nu kaya ginagawa nun ngayon..
(kinikilig ako..hehe..)

Subic

Went to Subic last saturday with my friends..almost 4 hours ang byahe. I didn't know I would be comfortable away from home.. single and uncontrolled. But for the second time around, I was okay with it. The first was when I was in Batangas. I guess that's what comes along when you are being loved and cared for by the people you are with during those uncomfy times. I gotta say. When I was in Batangas, I was so much having fun..so much.. maybe because I have people who wanted me to have fun.. but not in the way that I wanted to nga lang.. hehe.. I had some restrictions non, but that was the best way of having fun right.. yung mga pa-takas.. mejo vulnerable kasi ako during those times and I really wanna let it out on someone.. but in a good way. My best friends were very protective of me and later on ko na isip na.. Haay.. Basta..

In Subic, I had a great time too. I got carried away.. washed away.. by the waves.. Ang saya.. I had so much fun.. *I just hope they know that* We went to an island and it was picturesque and romantic sana.. If only inlove ka diba.. I was kinda wondering why I was not crying. Last time kasi nung nasa Bicol ako.. I cried so much.. May pa hikbi-hikbi pa.. param bata.. I really wanted to go home dati.. Kasi, I felt like I should be spending those moments with someone who has my heart.. This time kasi.. there's no one to go home to.

I had to go home though.. My lola Pinay celebrates her 80th birthday. I actually was not supposed to stay overnight in Subic, but I was kidnapped.. Again.. Ang sweet talaga nila.. Don't you just love it when that happens.. Ramdam mo na your friends want to be with you.. Anyway, I had to cut my trip short.. Family matters eh..

As I was on my way home.. I realized I was alone. Waaaahhh.. It was actually my first time to travel that long.. and alone.. I was literally crying in the bus. I texted everyone and I was telling them how much I love them and how I treasure their friendship, I was texting my mom and telling her how much I wanted to be home right at that moment.. I had time to think! I don't want to think! I get very sentimental and serious when I think! I get to be very smart and sensible when left alone with nothing to do but think! ALONE! I don't like sharing stuff with MYSELF! Five hours of flash-backs and you couldn't do anything about it.. I couldn't even sleep because I was up-front on the right side, in a two-seater spot.. with nobody beside me but my cherry coke, my chicken noodle soup and my baggage.. there was no t.v. and the road was lit only by the headlights of the bus.. everything outside was dark and the only person you see is the driver and there wasn't even anybody sitting across my left side.. it was torture! I just wanted to punch my face! I was irritating myself! I was a hazard to myself! I hated it! I hated travelling alone!

Breathe girl.. Hmmm..

At last.. we reached the city.. And there were lights.. haaahh..
My comfort zone.. My haven.. Noisy places and irritating sounds produced by the jeepneys and bars.. It's much better than silence..

I cRuSh yOu sOoOo mUchOs!

Hugh Michael Jackman
Date of Birth: Saturday October 12 1968
Place of Birt:Sydney (Australia)
Height: 6' 2½" (1.89 m)


People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 2008.

Stressed out

I've been having a terrible weekend. Let me count the stress I've been burdened with this weekend.

My AUB is missing.. Don't know how I lost it.. Now I don't have any money cos I can't withdraw! Dapat mag papa pizza ko sa friends ko last saturday.. Eh 1k lang out of pocket limit ko that night kaya yun..Bad trip!

My certification got extended cos I screwed up some verification issues (something from work). I have a week to catch up but my voice is gruffy and I need my voice to be very effective sa work right? Plus.. some guys from work are being.. you know.. being BOYS and talking stuff about a Capricorn girl.. and it's kind of uncomfortable kasi basta.. friend ko sha and behave kase ko.. or at least.. trying to be.. hehe.. What I am fearing kasi is baka mag karon ako ng bad label sa work cos of miss naughty Capricorn.. I'm one of the boys and they know that and I don't want that to change.. Hay.. Boys will be boys talaga.. ang lupit non! ang lupit non! BASTA! Couple of things I have to say bout work.. first.. Sobrang behave ko second.. SCORPIOs rock!! (making me smile tuloy.. bad trip!)

A special person I wanted to have as a friend is avoiding me. Ayaw daw nya maging friends kami. I said sa kanya.. A new friend should always be welcome to anyone's life.. Why naman kasi dapat mag rush in and make things complicated kasi diba.. Sabi nya.. Looking na sha for someone to spend the rest ng life nya with.. Everybody wants that naman talaga diba.. I on the other hand needs a rain check on that..

Someone who did a really bad thing to me is getting everything her way. She got away with the crime she did and now she seems to walk around as if nothing terrible happened to me. She's spendng time with my friends and it's really unfair. That's my comfort zone eh and I can't have her moving around where I feel most comfortable with. Not to be selfish or anything I don' want to breathe around where she has been. Joke lang! Sige na nga.. Take what you can.. Wag lang FAMILY KO at BESTFRIENDS KO! Yaan na ung mga bias.. Ganun talaga eh.. It's really nice knowing there are people playing on your team.. Lalo pa when you don't have to impose.. May kusa na mga nag mamahal sayo ng totoo.

Remember the rain last time? It was really awful. Normaly, I take quick baths everyday. But during that time.. I stayed in for almost three hours. I didn't wanted to move.. I wanted to cool down lang hangang gininaw na ko at marealize na I'm late na for work.
It was really messy that wednesday. The rain completely ruined my day. Pero after shift lumabas ako.. there was a very bright and big rainbow. Ang ganda.. however.. It was not enough to fix things for me.. Nakalimutan na ata ako ng tadhana.. helo0o0o0w TadhaNa!! I'm still here.. hehe..

Dear God.. Thanks for keeping me alive.. Thanks po at pinag isa nyo na yung problems ko.. Buti sabay sabay na.. I know you love me Lord.. Sige po.. Unahin Mo po muna sila.. There are bigger problems in the world.. Kaya ko pa naman po eh.. And I know that when I really cant na.. You will be there for me.. For the yoke that you gave me is easy and Your burden is light.. I will come to You when I need a rest.. Lav kita Lord.. Sobra..

i think i'm gona be sick

please don't rain.. I was doing okay lately.. I don't wanna feel sick again.. I wanna feel okay all the time.. I don't want to think.. I wanna be busy.. I want to move til my busyness wears out all the strength in my body and drain out all of my senses.. I wanna be senseless.. (huh? anu daw..) hehe..

God oh.. Look po.. Why ganto.. Sama pakiramdam ko.. Heal me po huh.. Don't let me feel sick again.. No more bad dreams..

Horror flicks makes me cry

For the past weekend I have always been out of the house. You wouldn't find me at home alone. I'm everywhere. I can't stand being in one place where I tend to ponder about serious matters. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can. I sleep in our sofa and I seldom go to my room. I go up after bathing and run elsewhere after that. By the way, another reason why I hang out in my room is cos Taygur just gave birth to three chubby kitties last Nov. 6th. I named one Junior, she's a girl and she looks exactly just like her mommy. I miss them already.

Anyway, last Saturday, I went to the house of a friend. We had a movie marathon. We watched a lot of morbid films filled with gore and gruesomeness. It was crazy and weird..but it was all good. We watched 30 Days of Nights and there was a particular scene that struck me big time. It was where in they were hiding up in the attic and one of them, an old man woke up from a supposedly nightmare.. crying.. and he was looking for Catherine.. his wife. The son told his father..

"Dad.."

"Mom died a long time ago.."

Waaaahhh... Isn't that the sweetest thing?! I want that..that forever type of longing by someone I trully love. Haay... That is one thing I am fearing.. I may probably feel that when I grow up. I might look for that person even when I am so0o0o old.

I can't live like that. It would be like A lifetime of darkness and not 30 days for me.. hehe.. I hope I fall inlove again.. cos the only person that I have ever deeply loved is not dead.. but completely alive and is with some.. whatever, I really don't care bout them. It's the freaking feeling that's haunting me once in a while.

I hope I find my soulmate someday.. Someone who will make me fall completely head over heels inlove with.. and would feel the same for me.. eternally.. (sob).. I miss love.. and all because of a horror flick.. ain't that weird.. hehe

i love You, Lord

My life may not be as majestic as the life of other people.. I may not be as great as some people I admire.. I may not be close to being a perfect child.. but I surely want to offer my life to You. If only I have lived it according to how I see it now.. wow.. you will be so proud of me.. I want to be good enough for You and for my family and friends and for people who.. uhmm.. people who thinks I'm worth being with.. (meron ba? hehe) I'm sorry for offending You so many times. I'm sorry for letting You down and for hurting You by making a fool of myself. I pray that you may help me redeem myself for You and for them. I hope that isn't too much to ask for a sinner like me.. Pasaway kasi ko Lord.. and I'm really sorry..

By the way Lord.. Thank you for the blessings You have given me and my family. I may not be able to see most of them.. but I surely know deep in my heart that You truly care.. and that everything You do and will.. You do them because You love me.. us.. Thank you for taking good care of the people I love and hold close to my heart.. Thank you for letting me live where people love and truly care for me.. I know I don't want to ask for fame and fortune.. I'm not as sure as before where I am going (cos I thought I already had everything) all that I am sure of is that Your plans are grand and that You will be there for me when I get there (wherever that may be).. Thank you for Your LOVE God.. with that.. I could not ask for anything more.. (every GOOD thing comes along with it)

I miss You Lord.. I'm going to church later.. Can't wait to talk to you.. I love you ever so dearly..

Cont.

Just got back from church.. I cried sa song ni Carol Banawa - Stay. I have always liked that song. I didn't know it would hit me right in the heart pala.

UNDAS is all about commemorating losses right? November 1st.. is an "okay" time to mourn and cry. Plus try spell out the word Undas backwards.. You will find that it has always been..

Sad Nu?? haha..

I was tear-jerking talaga sa church.. You know HOW I recently lost someone.. Feeling ko namatayan ako when I lost that person. Even though you don't want to miss them. You, eventually will.. It's really painful talaga thinking about how you'll never see someone ever again.. and if ever man that you might, someday.. You could no look at that person the same way, and if ever ulet that you do see them as you saw them before.. You'd try to avoid that feeling of electric shock sa head, arms and belly kasi you wouldn't want to fall again.. right diba? For some naman, it would be like looking at a ghost na lang. Good thing about me is I really don't believe in "multo" naman kase. It really is all in the head talaga. Haay..

Wait lang.. Good news.. Ang ganda ng hair ko.. Straight na straight.Shoot!! Ang ganda ko na!! Wohooh! Kaso kinakatakot ko lang is, di ako tinatablan ng mga treatments eh. So baka bumalik din sha sa magandang wavy hair ko after some weeks. Either way.. God loves me pa rin. Sige po.

Hola!

A star?

I saw a star earlier this morning as I was walking on the highway on the way home. It was after dawn and still a little dark. The wind was a little bit chilling. I had my jacket on. I was alone. I was staring at the pretty lavender sky and marveled by the bright shinny.. glittering thing right there as I walk along. I was alone and that star was the only company I was having.. except for some fast cars on the road and a couple of silly guys teasing me.. Cute college freestylers.. I thought they were drunk.. They were in their car with loud music on.. Anyway..I said I was alone.. And I was looking at the star.. I was so dazzled by its beauty.. I couldn't care less about the things around me.. I just watched in admiration.. The star gave me comfort and a feeling of ease..

Suddenly, as i come closer to the star.. I noticed that it was moving away.. I was baffled.. I didn't wanted it to go.. I wanna look at it and stare at it for some more.. and I came to realize.. It wasn't a star.. It was a freakin plane, and up to now.. I'm still not even sure if it was ever a plane. These eyes.. A bit like the heart huh.. Believe what seemingly appears to be.. And feel whatever it does, instantly..

I guess things don't always appear to be what they are. They are what they are because that is what we wanted them to be.. We are blinded by our own desires.. realizing later on, that we just have to accept things as they are and that we have to deal with the fact that the world can be very deceitful. Also, that there are stuff that we can't have cos they have to be somewhere else where we're not.. (huh?) We can't change the world.. but i guess we can make a difference.

Life is full of surprises.. I f*ckin hate surprises really. I feel like I deserve to know everything.. If not.. even a little heads-up.. some figures that I'm gonna be f*cked over by stuff or people.. little warnings so that I may be able to contain the situation. I don't want to stand stupidly not knowing what to do when a freakishly new situation comes up my b*tt. I have to do something. I can't be helpless all the time. It's really not fair. I'm a good girl.. I try to be nice.. I protect people I love.. I care too much.. Wouldn't it be nice if people would care back.. (toink!)

Truth is.. I suck.. I trust people so easily and things can be tricky. I am on the process of self-redemption. I'm tryin to accept my fate. I'm tryin to pick up the pieces and throw them out the recycle bin. Doin pretty good at it too. I don't know. Little things mean so much to me. Every detail.. Everything around me matters. There are people very much willing to love me.. Take good care of me.. Make me smile.. Give me gifts.. Chocolates.. Promises made to be broken.. hehe.. You know.. the usual.. But this f*ckin thing inside just wont go away. It's like.. a part of me that I can't let go.. Like an arm.. or your liver or a kneecap that you want to remove.. But just can't.. cos it's gonna hurt and it's costly and it's gonna look weird to the doctors too.. (hehe)

Okay.. to sum it all up.. I hope things, you know.. situation.. circumstances.. and most especially.. people.. becomes fair and truthful and sincere. I just wish everyone in this planet become happy all at the same time.. So no one would ever ever have to lie or feel like they need to manipulate other people's emotions just cos they aren't happy. I wish everyone all the happiness in the universe. So0o0o0o happy.. they'd feel like they need to make others happy too.

With that, I therefore conclude that I am still a little jiggly.. hehe..
(did I even made a clear point in relation with the title? hehe..)