My Christmas Gift

I'm currently in my room. Still in pain due to the stitches endured from my baby's delivery. I can't believe I had her on Christmas day.. December 25th.. I actually had the bleeding by 3am.. Went to the hospital immediately.. My mom, my sister and the baby's dad was with me.. Upon arrival, a wheelchair and a male nurse was waiting for me cos I called in, prior to that.. I wasn't feeling anything painful at the moment.. Was brought to the 2nd floor so for the doctors.. nurses to examine me.. 1 medical something.. still a long way to go, so, I was sent home.. I was kinda sleepy from the Noche Buena so I rested.. I remember waking up 9am cos of some tummy ache but didn't paid much attention to it cos I was still sleepy..I slept some more.. (Shoot.. this is really uncomfortable.. The stitches are aching..)

I woke up 10am.. I felt like I need to pee.. Just right there.. Just when I was about to get up.. (I had to roll over cos my belly is on the way.. hehe..) my water broke.. Everyone kinda panicked.. I didn't.. I got worried a bit cos I heard I was supposed to feel something painful shortly after that water-breaking thing.. Hmm.. Anyway.. So we're back on the hospital, right? 2 medical something.. I was lying there until 3 pm, waiting for something to happen.. Nothing.. So.. They had to induce me.. They injected a couple of stuff in me which by the way was kinda.. Goodness.. I can't stop talking but this stitches.. Ouch really..

Started this blog last evening.. It' already 11:25 of December 30.. Can't move around.. It's either I'm standing up or lying helplessly in bed.. Currently on my side.. like that of a mermaid.. I'm typing without looking at the monitornor the keyboard cos I'm feeling a bit dizzy.. (talented..hoo-hooh!) Oops.. Hang on a sec.. My shoulders are really hurting too.. Gotta rest.. Gota lota tell yah.. Be right back..

And there I go.. it's already 14:43.. Had my lunch and found a good sitting position.. Anyway..where was I? Hmm..

Oh, right.. The nurses and doctors were all so sweet and all but they weren't ready for us.. They thought I'd be having the delivery by 9pm.. Haha.. Was kinda tellin them in the nicest possible way.. LALABAS NA SHA.. DOC PLEASE.. they said.. hold it. breathe through your mouth.. Don't bite your lips.. Do this.. And that.. And oh God.. I was literally disoriented and I couldn't describe the feeling when I was in intense pain and was being reprimanded to control them! H*ll F*ck!! I screamed NATATAE NA KO and what magic word would make them push the bed so fast towards the delivery room.. Saw them running around like crazy people.. I literally felt like pooping.. I pushed once and then asked..

"Is the baby out na doc?
"Uhuh.. Hanggang shoulders"

I pushed the second time.. Walang sabi sabi.. Haha.. Didn't even thought about the doctor catching it whatsoever..
Then.. I heard her.. She cried for the first time.. Saw them took her to the table nearby.. Para kong nag aabang kung sinong artista yung gaganap sa pelikula.. Suspense.. Excited.. Anxiously waiting.. And I couldn't really help it cos I was so weak.. My eyes they slowly shut.. But then, I felt something on my chest.. When I opened my eyes.. I saw another pair looking at mine.. Nakita ko sha.. Her pretty little eyes.. They seemingly were asking..

"Are you okay momie?"

I remember her face.. Eto yun oh.. Sa baby ko.. She's sleeping right now.. God it was really amazing.. I would gladly relive that over and over again.. I don't care about the pain.. I love her so much..

It's really ironic, cos last Christmas.. I was actually asking for someone in particular.. Just now, I remember how I felt then.. It was really painful.. The need to be loved.. the attention.. the constant bugging-me moments that only one person whom I thought could give me all those.. Wasn't given to me.. To add insult to injury.. The person was given to someone else.. This year, I thought He would give me two.. I was really confused.. I asked for a sign for I may be mistaken.. I said to myself.. If my baby would be born on this specific day.. Then I won't be afraid to make my move.. I won't be afraid to be rejected.. I won't be afraid to fight for that person.. I won't be afraid to look stupid.. I won't have any fears at all.. I'll do everything to win em back.. Whatever it takes.. But I guess, God says otherwise.. He gave something else entirely different.. A gift I will forever be thankful for.. I have her in my arms a while ago.. Now she's downstairs..

Teka.. She's here.. They brought her back up.. hehe..

Breakdown

I'm scared.
So terrified.. I think I'm gonna lose it.
I don't wanna lose it.
I wasn't supposed to do this alone..
Was I supposed to?
Tell me it's all gona be okay..
I'm so scared..
I don't want to blame anyone..
I should know what to do..
But I don't..
Yet

God I'm scared..
Really.. I am..

Besy's Birthday

Great Morning.

Went to my bestfriend's birthday party last night and saw everyone again..well..almost everyone..there are a few missing in action..but nonetheless..it was great. I missed them so much..but on top of it..I missed myself. That wasn't me on the party. I sat there as a stranger to myself. I din't know how to act around them. I didn't know how to talk about myself. I was literally blocked. I'm not always like that. I couldn't even look people in the eye. I don't know how to answer questions. I'm stupid. Haha! They asked me a lot of questions that I don't have any answers to. Or questions that would lead to tears. Haha..I think they noticed. Cos they keep coming to me and kept asking me..How I was or how things are going on.. But I was too pretty for them.. Hehe.. I could easily distract them with my fake smiles and my
"eto..okay naman.. masayang masaya.. ikaw kamusta ka na.. Kamusta si ano.."
You know how people wants to talk about themselves..You just have to know how to give it to them. Afterwards, I'll get the BESTEST compliments..
"Ikaw ang pinaka magandang buntis na nakita ko.."
"Hindi ka tumaba noooh..grabe.."
and here's the kicker..
"Ang swerte nman ng ASAWA mo!"
ngiting aso ang takteng to! Shoot me! Haha!

Food was great though.. Happy Birthday Besy.. Yun lang po muna.. =)

There's nowhere to run to

Everywhere I go, there's always complications. I don't want to ask, cos I know I won't get any answers. People won't even leave me alone to let me cry even for a second. They'd ask why. They'd reprimand me from doing so. We're just freakin tired. I can't hide. I can't even release my stress. Why do you have to ask. You can't help me anyway. Why won't you jerks just leave me alone!?

Everywhere I turn to.. Nothing seems to fit. I can't breathe.. I don't want to ask.. I just want to be okay. I'm not even asking to have everything perfect.. I just want to be okay.. Cos I'm not..

God.. It may seem like I'm staying away from You.. I just feel like I can't handle your tests right now.. I'm sorry.. I just don't have the patience to fight it all off.. I'm really sorry.. I just want to be happy before she comes out.. But I just can't seem to be.. I don't know why.. No matter how hard I push myself.. I just can't.. And she's taking everything.. I'm so weak.. I've never been this helpless before.. I hope she's okay..

I'm finding ways to distract myself, really.. Every little thing seems to hurt me.. Every little detail seems to be so big a deal.. I'm not always like this.. I can't seem to do anything.. I can't talk to anyone.. Cos all the things I usually talk about seems to make no sense at all.. Even to myself.. It's funny.. But.. What's wrong with me..

I don't understand myself.. Am I dying or something..
God don't let me go yet.. I have so much more to do.. I haven't even figured out my purpose.. I haven't even touched lives.. I know cos people haven't been very grateful lately.. That's why I know I'm still useless.. I can't die yet.. I haven't' done anything grand yet.. All I do is cry and cry and cry.. I'm so pathetic.. I'm a pathetic pregnant person.. I chose to be alone.. No one understands.. Or at least.. None of them who I wish would understand me, nderstands me..

What kind of journey did I embark myself on? Maybe it's all my fault. God.. What do You want me to do? What are You trying to tell me? I don't understand. I'm off track.. I'm not sure anymore.. Am I supposed to be this way, cos I think I did tried to embrace all the pain and confusion and foulness that's been happening to me.. It still didn't worked out.. I don't know.. God I'm so clueless.. I don't know anything.. I know I'm not supposed to know everything.. But.. What's happening.. I don't have any control..

Can you sense all the pain and confusion along with it?
I don't know what to do..

Searching for guidance.. Help me Lord..

aNn dOeSn'T knOw wHat tO dO wIth hErSeLf

..nOw, sHe kNoWs nA..
LeArN LeVeL oNe-dIrtY dAncIn.. c",)

c",)

w/oL d tEaRs & d sHow.. sHe tOok a bOw aNd adMitEd sHe's oFf d waLL..
sHe fOunD hEr fEeT sTifLy rOoTed tO the fLooR
aLonE.. cHiLLinG aNd aBouT tO fAdE..
siLenCe cLoaKed tHe aIr as thIs chiSeLed aNd wEaKenIng fAcaDe sAiD iT aLL..
"nO u'rE nOt.. u'rE bReAthTakinG, fRaGiLe aNd sUbLime.."
sHe wAs stUnNed aNd bAfFlEd.. pArsIng thrOugh tHe uNfInisHed LinE..
hEr hEaRt bEaTinG w/aN uNcOnTroLabLe rUsh..
He LooKed dEeP iNto hEr eYes aS shE lOoKed bAck iNTo hIs tOO..
hE gRabed hEr nApe..
heLd heR by hEr wAist..
kIssEd hEr pAsSionAteLy aNd sAid..

..sAkiN na LanG kAyo..

sHe sMiLed aT hIm..
bIT hEr LiPs aFtErwArds

nOthiNg bEaTs tHe siGh oF cOnTenTmeNt

..haaaaaaayyy... =)

♥♥♥

Thank God for dreams and fantasies

Things my mind is putting out lately.. (huh??)
My thoughts for today..
Love humbles the most mulish of hearts..
Dreams makes someone live..
Pain teaches lessons, but I haven't quite learned them yet.. Let me hurt myself then. Bad teacher!!! c",)
If I can't have you.. I'll find me a guy like you someday..

I don't know what I've been doing.. or saying.. hehe.. I'm drunk from staying up all day..
What's wrong with me..

These things in my mind.. I kinda like them.. What are they anyway? I don't know.. I'm not sure.. I want you.. Every time I wake up, I'm hoping I could see you beside me.. I want to kiss you all over.. Hug you real tight.. I'm floating.. Its weird.. Who?? What?? I think I've lost it..
When you asked me if I wanted to be with you.. I wanted to say yes.. Ow shoot.. Why didn't I? Or did I?? I want you close.. I want you where I can see you all the time.. Yhaks!! What's wrong with me..

Its nice to feel this way.. I like me just this way.. Wanting things that isn't there.. Until they just fade away.. Nothing complicated.. Dream about stuff that isn't real.. No false hopes.. No fake promises.. No pain.. Aww.. I see.. This is how they define a dreamer.. Contented with just living in a fantasy world.. where everything is wonderful.. Who needs reality??! I don't need anything else.. Just my dreams and me.. all set for the day.. shallow you might think.. I am.. makes me happy.. U can all come with me.. Sleep beside me.. Let's dream together.. hehe.. I'm really drunk from lack of sleep.. Nasabi ko na ata to.. haha.. Nasabi ko bang I'm preggy?

sleep muna.. I'll post something sensible when I get back to my senses.. But then again.. why would I wanna do that.. I like me just this way.. day dreaming.. away from the foulness of whoever they claim they are..
teka.. teka.. ayan antok na talaga ko.. yehey..
Thank God inantok din..
05:42pm

Sing muna ko..

You know that I want you babe
You know that I need you
You know that I love you
Just say it

Am I giving enough
Is this it all that should be
When water gets rough
Will you still swim with me
So afraid to come close and maybe too slow
And maybe too much for you to consume

And I wanna know if I could live inside you're world
And I wanna know if I could give it to you boy
*You know that I wanna say it
you know that I need to say it
You know that I love to say it
Our love just goes on and on and on*

owshoot 06:27 na.. sorry baby..
sleep na po tayo..

i'm starting to lose it

"Just when I thought I wouldn't give in.. Just when I thought I had it all under control.. Just when I thought I am invincible.. I met you.. My sweetest downfall.." -Roan

Smiling stupidly right now. Shaking my head and showing my being a sport.. Even if I don't have anything in my hands.. Hands up to life! What can I do? I lost against it na naman. Shows that I have no control over destiny.. which by the way.. I thought I do.. Emotions.. Other people's twisted opinions.. F*ckin LoVe! These are sick unconquerable dimensions that I shouldn't even dream of invading.. better yet.. dare of exploring.. Cos I'm weak.. Defenseless.. My weapons are no match for the ghastly beast always ready to ravage my sanity. Haha! Come to think of it.. What weapons do I have? Smiling cos I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. San na ba ako when I was gnarling over my ex? I was better off with that kind of misery eh. Hehe.. Sorry kid.. Di ko talaga balak madamay ka. Funny.. I'm about to use "IF ONLY", but why pa? What for.. shaking head out of defeat and confusion.. couldn't think.. Don't know what to say.. Shoot.. I'm lost.. Lost my spontaneity.. I know though that I'm confused.. and that I don't know where the pieces are.. Where to pick them up.. I'm out.. God.. Where am I.. I don't know what's happening.. Where to now.. Where to start? What's there to think about.. How do I deal with out.. I don't know.. What to hope for.. Who and what to believe in.. What I ought to do from where.. Where to start.. What am I dealing with.. What do we have here.. Whtat I need to understand.. I'd take anything from anyone I guess..

Questions.. Questions..

Oh Lord.. I don't even know what to ask..

LoVe tHis sOng

wHispeRs

dRowniNg fRom aLL theSe rAin.. cOuLdn'T eVen fiNish a decEnt bLog pOst.. gRasPin fOr a cLeaR bReaTh oF fResH aiR.. LonGin fOr tHe sUn's wArm tOuch..

aNgeL, fOrgIve me.. i'M sOrrY.. i dIdn't meAn tO drAg yOu iNto my piTiful fOrTune.. i dIdn'T meAn tO maKe yOu as heLplEss as yOu aRe riGht now tOo.. i Try eVerYdAy tO pUt oN a sMiLe fOr yOu.. bUt mY muScLes aRe tOo nUmb tO eVen coNtroL thE tEarS frOm faLLin dOwn mY chEEks.. i'M toO wEaK fOr aLL tHese.. sEe.. mOmmY jUst gOt fIxEd.. aNd i'M sTiLL tRyIn to gEt oUt of a cUrRenT peRil.. i'm tRying tO shOw mY stRength.. bUt it's dEsTroYing mY sAniTy eVen quIckEr.. pLeaSe knOw thoUgh.. tHat yoUr evEry heArtBeat cOuntS.. bE sTronG bAby.. dOn't Let gO tOo.. i cOuLdn't tAke aNotHer hEarTbReAk.. i'm sCaRed.. iT's tOo coLd.. mY fEarS.. iT's suCking tHe LifE oUt oF uS.. buT I kNow.. afTer aLL thEse stRugleS.. we'LL be aBle tO keEp eAch oTheR waRm.. i'LL pRotEcT yOu uNtiL mY veRy laSt brEath.. yOu'LL bE pRoud oF me.. aNd yOu'LL bE mY eVery haPpiNess.. sTaY wiTh me.. i'LL mAke iT aLL uP tO yoU.. i kNow i wiLL.. sOoN.. sOmEdaY.. yOu'LL sEe..

yOuRe mY pUrpOse.. aNd i LoVe yOu..

Speaking Ann's mind

"The amount someone spends talking about themselves is inveresely proportional to how interesting they are"

-i'm not that interesting.. believe me.. i know.. i heard myself speak.. hehe-

I've tolerated a lot of listening in my life.. from other people's whining and complaining.. Their life's stories.. I have heard people do funny commentaries about anything.. how others would just blurt out wise choices of words.. and for some.. how they tend to make a fool out of themselves. But apart from all the listening.. I also love to talk. Sure there are times when I just like to pipe it down and listen. But most of the time.. especially when I'm comfortable with the person I am with.. I just couldn't help but share.

Ever felt talking non-stop for hours and hours a day? Unnoticing how time flies and all you could wish for is that the person you are talking to remembers every word you said so just to remind you of what you were talking about? My brain activity becomes so busy I just could not contain and process them anymore.. I feel like I need to share everything cos I find them really valuable and thought maybe, it may be useful to the receiving end.. hehe.. Sometimes though, there are a lot of disadvantages when it comes to talking.. specially when it becomes unstoppable.. and as how, I and I'm sure, a lot would claim.. it is referred to as only Speaking the mind. I speak my mind a lot.. I can't help it really. It's all about hoping you'll be understood, cos you know for a fact, that you actually don't understand yourself really. And hope people gets it and have them give you that comforting feeling, that, intense agreeing nod.. has to offer.. Haay..

A secret, thought I'd share too.. I'm not the best public speaker in the world. In fact, I'm terrified of speaking in front of a large crowd. Eeew.. Yhuks.. Shoot me instead.. No, not today though.. Don't hurt me just yet.. until maybe five or six months from now perhaps.. =)

Anyway, I mean, I know, that I can answer almost every question that you could possibly throw at me.. I'm not saying they're all-so-right.. It's just that, I share a lot of my own point of views about life.. to almost everyone, as amiable as me.. I just couldn't do it in front of a large number of peepers. Can't stand the thought of being watched and have people hear what I have to say AT THE SAME TIME?! haaahhh.. Ruuuunnnn!!! hu-hu.. Himatay-himatayan.. A group of wide-eyed children though.. May be acceptable.. That's why I wanted to be a pre-school teacher.. hehe.. It would be easier for them to understand me.. the little ones? Honestly.. I feel that way.

Best thing about voicing out one's opinion though, is that you tend to hear yourself and the words that you utter. You find out later on, that what you just said is either really really smart and originally good.. or.. insanely stupid and really really out of line. Either way, it's not at all that bad too.. cos one tends to realize a lot afterwards.. and then, can either do something about it, or just hope it wouldn't be recognized or noticed by the people whom you were blurting them out to previously also hoping they are really stupider than you (what kind of word is stupider?) see what I'm talking about?

Talking, for me, it's like learning at the same time. I learn from the things I say and understand myself on the process too.. Picking out things, I ought to change with myself, having those kind of perceptions in life. Thinking about it, just now.. The way you think is the meter for one's maturity.. It is, isn't it? I call it the machurimeter (baduy.. nu ba yan.. haha! Yhuks! Patawa! Kadeers..)

Another point I'd like to get out is that, we are all entitled to our own opinions. I don't like people condemning me based on things I say, cos if things I say does not concur to whatever it is they are having with their own twisted minds, it wouldn't matter anyway.. Cos I know that I will realize my own flaws (if there are any) in my own sense of time.. and with my own willingness to surrender.. I will.. but until then.. Back off!! and shut your system issues down! hehe.. Peace!

Like recently, my immaturity got the best of me. It's not like me.. That's one woo-hoo part of me that often pops out when a not so convincing party is involved. Gotta push me to your mightiest.. I'm one tough baby to please.. and phoneys don't have anything else on me but to just.. give up.. Losers! Don't you just hate quitters? Bleh!!

Sorry.. maybe it's just me.. hmm.. To my excuse though, it was kind of.. a big part of my proclaimed TRAUMA from a previous relationship I endured from a person with views, not so compatible with mine. I tend to say a lot of things that I don't really mean.. Well, maybe I meant to say them.. But I did not intend to mean them. They just sort of.. came out? cos I was thinking them at that moment.. Sorry po.. And you see.. I know which ones I meant to say.. often.. it doesn't come out right.. (kainaman naman) .. and for other things.. even though I haven't said them yet.. you know.. just thinking about them.. I sometimes don't intend to think about them.. They just pop up my mind.. hehe.. Things that I meant though.. it comes from right here.. (see me emoting.. thumping my chest.. y' know? where the heart is??).. and sometimes.. even the ones from the heart.. confuses me.. So, nobody could really tell.. they just judge.. that's it.. (gulo ba? i know you know what I mean)

I always seem to forget too, being forgetful and all, one needs not utter a word or make sudden decisions when one is mad. I always forget that.. hmph! Especially for someone like me who knows a lot about pain. I should know better than to release unfriendly and hurtful statements to others.. statement such as.. basta..

I'm sorry po.. to all the people whom I have hurt from speaking my mind.. or even from having this kind of thinking..

That's why I label myself as both a pessimist and an idealist..

And for those who continuously offend others with their non-stop, nerve-wreckin, gut-busting mind-boggling, foul-spoken, self-esteem crushing words.. Huist.. Parang.. Enough na.. Cos parang.. Anu ba.. Tama na muna.. Sorry na po yung next line diba??.. (hehe..).

Anyway..

Kaya nga most often than not, I tend to make sure that my actions could somehow differ from my way of speaking. Kasi not everything one says would always match up to one's actions.. In short.. Talagang.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.. Maybe that's why I tend to disregard most of what I'm voicing out.. Kasi.. I'm more of an action figure eh.. (ah-huh?? anu dao?!) Not that I don't care.. I do care.. a lot too.. And.. Kase.. Basta.. Sorry na nga eh.. Eh ako nga eh.. a lot hurt me with their unnecessary commentaries and their very disrespectful actiens eh.. all I could tell them is.. Bless you! Ako naman eh ke saktan mo physically or verbally.. La ko magawa about that.. Ang ganda ko kaya.. pumangit man ako.. I was at least at one point pretty and loved by many.. (i can even say.. a-lot-a times) and with what I'm expecting months from now.. I should be all set. Need I have anything more? Mag-sawa sila kaka pikon sakin with their foul ways.. Ang ganda ko kase.. Bwahaha! Uiiy.. napipikon.. Kei lang yan.. Kaya mu yan..

Hoist batang isip.. Chupi! Alis ka muna!

Ehem! Back to maturity..

With all the things I have said.. hoping I'd learn from them.. I still don't understand everything. But why should I be worried.. Who does anyway? People with no further things to say and has no further explanation to give out.. just inhales.. and exhales.. and utters..

"That's life.." =)

Guess what..

I'm living it anyway.

I'm sorry Lord

Dear Lord God,

I love you.

There are countless ways that you have revealed your love for me. I know you will never stop blessing me until the end of my physical life. I know that you are and will keep blessing my family , loved ones, my friends and the little one..

Forgive me Lord for the negativity that I have been giving out. I'm sorry for feeling a lot of anger and hatred. I'm sorry for writing them down. I know I can not justify these things to You. I just want to let it all out before it bulge up into something bigger and with it, I may do something I might regret later on. I'm sorry dear Lord. On the other hand, I'm proud of myself because I've been able to replace these feelings of hatred, with love and happiness..effortlessly. I know that I am not about to stoop down to their pitiful levels. I hope that those people who are intentionally trying to hurt us, realize their flaws without having to read my blogs. May they feel sorry for themselves and start living virtuously. They are very bitter and jealous. I don't want to be around anywhere near them. I hope positive and nice people would not have to be with people like them. I pray Lord, that these ill-mannered people may learn the value of respect and decency.

You have created the perfect world for us to live in. This planet does not deserve all of our negativity and foulness. Forgive us Lord. We're sorry.

Serendipity: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely

My tatay and lolo were rearranging stuff around the house earlier. They were arguing and they were a bit loud.. I couldn't care about what they were doing. I was singing Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore to to the highest of my might.. pa-kunot noo.. and special effect with the hands pa.. But then.. I paused for a while cos the noise suddenly stopped and all I could hear was my voice. I glanced at the oldies and they were looking at separate directions.. I stared at them.. and then.. they giggled uncontrollably. Mga maldita.. They were watchin me pala..

Recently I wasn't doing much. I was hangin out nowhere near this world. I seemed to be in another dimension contemplating on matters of the unknown. I seemed to be drawn to the fact that the world is a place filled with uncontainable facts and hoaxes, truth and lies, surrealism and harmful reality.. Plus a lot more deep words I really could not understand and define. Hehe..

Let me tell you what I was thinking about lately.

I was a girl brought up by the perfect parents. They spoiled me and gave me all the happiness I could think of.. That is why I never craved for anything materialistic in this world. I had it all when I was under their care. When ever I got hurt or wounded, they would take away the pain and they would cure those wounds. It's like magic. They loved me and I was one of the most contented baby living right on that lifetime. I could honestly hear people comment my parents for bringing us up righteously. I'm proud of myself really.. and that's all because of them. I was a happy little princess. I was a blessed kid. Good job parents.

My parents.. they were over protective though. Wouldn't let me play on the streets. They would buy me pretty little toys and would always ask me to share them with my sisters but wont let me take them outside. I wanted to play with other kids and share my toys with them. Wouldn't let me chose my own friends. I had the hunger to go out of the walls. I was so curious. I trusted there were others like me (haha, Tarzan)

Now I'm all grown up.. 26 to be exact. Yhuks!.. I went out of the wall and into a new playground. A lot of weird things has changed since then. I don't understand why. People are mean and people screw other people over. I didn't see these things when I was younger. My parents gave me some clue, but they never actually blunted it out to me. They never showed us vileness, deceit nor disrespect. How I wish they did though.. With all the cruelty I was seeing, I finally knew and understand why they were protective of me when I was little.. I might get hit by a vehicle or something.. Other kids might not play nicely and hurt me. Other kids might break or take my toys away from me. I didn't knew that.. If I understood then, I probably would have known what to do now.. The world has introduced itself to me.

World: "Welcome Ann, meet me.. I'm cruel, selfish, vain and I will hurt you whenever I get the chance!"
Roan: "Nice to meet you world!"

And all the pain started crawling in. They first started out slowly.. And they quickly ravished the sanity in me. I wasn't used to all those torture. I know nothing only but to cry. A bit out of the head and crazy when I'm in pain. I get clueless when I'm hurt. I was a baby once again. Only.. my Mommy and Tatay couldn't help me. I obtained all kind of scars and wounds when I got off from that wall. And I have learned to live with them.. I miss home.. I miss my daily cartoons.. I miss being happy.. And best of all.. I miss my sanity..

You trust people.. Love them even.. But they destroy you and grind your heart into pieces.. Accidentally or with intent. Why? Why can't I bring HOME outside? Why can't everyone be like my Mommy and Tatay towards everybody? I'm such a baby. People hurt me all the time. Maybe that's why I had it all when I was young.. I was destined to give up my happiness for others someday.. (took place a couple of times already).. You know what I was proud of? When I got hurt last year.. I got on track. I was cautious.. I know then what do. I said to myself.. I wont let people hurt me again. I will just be happy.

No expectations. No foulness. No negativity. No promises. No lies. No games.

Wouldn't it be nice if we would always be happy. The last time I remembered I was really happy was when I was in high school.. Listed them down.. Smile.. They're really good..

Christmas: opening presents.. Barbies, Dollhouse, Shoes, A new dress
Birthdays: more presents.. Ice cream, Cakes, Balloons and Sweets
First day of school: shopping for new school shoes, bag, lunch box, pencil case, crayons, colorful notebooks
Rainy days: Class suspended.. Uwian na! Madaming tulog.. haay.. hot soup.. noodles..
Last day of school: Summer vacation and swimming lessons
Girl Scout camping: a night out away from home.. on my own.. not actually on my own.. with classmates.. well.. you know what I mean..
Field Trips / Excursions: baon, manila zoo.. excited for a day off from school, friends
First crush na boy: haha! nag away pa kami ng childhood bestfriend ko.. I was, I think.. I don't know.. seven?? haha!
First crush na hmm..: I remember her.. =p
First day of College: on my own at last.. or at least walang school bus.. hehe, met really good friends along the way too..
First REAL job (that I actually liked): Wow.. Unlimited internet access.. Petics lang.. My own income.. (hmm.. wala pala kong naipon)

While other girls my age were busy with make-ups and their crushes and boys.. and girls.. (grin).. Puberty and how their boobs are getting bigger.. I was busy with my daily dosages from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. I don't have the slightest idea of pain and sorrow. Laugh all you want, but I wasn't even wearing brassier until my senior years in high school. Need I explain things to you? Maybe I wore those sports bra.. Baby bras' what they call em.. Anyway.. I was a really naive and a worry-free little kid.. Then, college.. Barkada.. Tambay.. Billiards.. Beer.. Hah! I learned a lot of new things.. Met a lot of people.. good ones and not so good but tolerable people.. A lot of rude and cruel ones too.. Goodness.. quite a lot of Firsts too.. It's all good.. =) Became curious.. a seemingly tamed little girl.. a bit wild on the inside.. Learned to smile my way towards a lot of freebies.. Whew! Worry free still.. Lazy days listening to music.. Bummin around with the bestest friends in the world.. Watched a lot of good movies.. Partyin out and livin the great night life..

Haay.. good old happy days.. =) Wished they didn't had to end.. A lot of bad stuff ruined those happy days.. Perhaps cos I trusted so easily.. No regrets though..
I bet there are more happy thoughts.. Just got to pull them out of my memory box..
One day maybe.. Wait..

Gyeon-Woo: ..

Just recently, after certain struggles and the will to survive..haha.. I felt a familiar kind of happiness.. Haay.. Just when one is being accustomed to every cruelty the world is laying out in front of thee.. (arte!)..Who would've thought there was something like that outside the great wall of the safe-zone.. (huh?!) Some sort of sorcery perhaps.. It felt like the same old magic, had struck my happy endorphins.. I felt at home and completely back to my old wonderful self once again.. Weird huh.. It's all because of Gyeon-Woo.. Hmm.. Lets see.. him.. ah.. yes him.. I was actually happy again when I met him.. Let me tell you about my happiness..

It was just a couple of days just before the year 2008 ended.. the 27th of December..

hehe.. teka.. I'm sleepy na naman.. g'nite muna
To be continued..

Life and Death

After months and months of blogging, I finally noticed how I really could not spell. I noticed that the heading of my blog read.. "a PEAK inside my fascinating mind.." when it should have been "PEEK".. How silly could one possibly be. Things overlooked.. But they are how they are.. One only needs to lift up a finger.. and do something about it or just be a loser and either deal with it..

Let me talk about being a loser. I'm an expert when it comes to loosing. One thing I could win.. It's loosing. I always lose. Beat that! Haha!

My grandmother passed away just this afternoon. We all knew it coming. I thought to myself.. I would not cry. I thought it would be easier for me to accept it. With all the resentment.. With all the indignity my heart, previously, was feeling.. It all changes when physical death arrives. You tend to hurt and accept everything without a fight.. Hope to be forgiven for entertaining such bitter emotions. The magical thing is, after a life lost.. There are new lives that's being created. It could be in a form of anything.. Wealth.. Friendship.. A new soul.. Something to keep the world spinning.. Something to keep the circle of life flowing.. Something to keep our spirits up.

I learned something new today. A news that would be very difficult to break to everyone. I felt tricked. I felt helpless. I couldn't do anything about it. I am confused. I do not know what to do. Things don't always go out according to plan. Bummer. But that is life.. Even though you plan ahead.. You look at every detail and hope.. It all works out.. But with all the unexpected things that's happening around us. We could only be sure.. that there is a greater force, working out there.. When things are out of our hands. We either embrace them or go the other way around.. Either be happy dealing with them or be repugnant about it. For now.. I'm clueless..

Flash Fact (and a couple of disclaimers)

"I felt good when I ate shrimp this morning. It relieved my stress. It made me happy. What seems to be so little to others could be a great deal for you even when you least expect them. I hope there are more shrimp out there for me to eat. I really want to be happy.." -a phrase I took out from my unpublished post I've been drafting in my blog.

All the single ladies!! Put yer hands up!
Spot me on the edge waving two.. haha..

A friend and I were textin some time ago and we were both talking about how we are over the top so single.. and sharing all the advantages and a lot more stuff that single people do and say to make themselves feel better about their singleness, when they know for a fact it isn't that much cool.. and they dream of their ideal person all night long, hugging the pillow wishing dumating na daw.. may pa sana-sana pa.. may pa tear-tear pa ang mga mata.. nag pe-pray pa hanggang makatulog na sila.. haha!! yuhks!!

Haha! Sakit ng tyan ko kakatawa mag isa.. haay.. Sarap kausap sarili ko noh? I enjoy myself really.. Hehe.. Pero.. Sorry naman.. hindi naman po ako ganon.. Nai-imagine ko lang.. I have other means naman eh.. of making myself happy.. hmm..

I'm thankful though, that even if I don't have someone to call my own.. I have my friends. I can have one in an instant, cos I make it a point that my intentions are sincere and real. My siblings are great.. We've been getting a lot of bonding.. Even at the dinner table, we talk about everything we can think of.

Plus there are fellas who wish they could own me.. Ayoko pa talaga eh.. Eto sila.. Check em out.. (you know it's the other way around.. hehe..)

Here are the guys that I often fantasize about..

Grabeh! Ang hirap naman neto.. Sobrah.. Grabe naman talaga.. Hooh!! Break me off a piece from each.. Raaarrr!! Do I have great taste or what?!!

Check out the eyes..!! Mapapa.. ummph! ka talaga! Sh*t!

Oh.. great..

What's happening to me. Have I quit? Have I already enjoyed my singlehood? Am I done? What a quick one. Am I looking for the one? No f-ing way! Yuhks.. Bleh!

Admitted: Confused and quite hungry for guys as such.. Grabeh nman talaga.. whew.. Isa pa.. Aaaahh!!

Compiled a couple of pro's and con's just to help me out.. It's all good.. Be the judge

Single (yey!)

• I can do whatever I like!I can go out and tease as much as my heart desires, without the strange package called complications brought about by such emotional endeavour.
• Not having to deal with and keep trying to figure out what's in his/her mind.
• I don't have to text or call anyone about my whereabouts worried he/she may get mad at me.
• If I would get bitter, sad and seemingly helpless about what the world seems to be doing at me.. I no longer have to worry about wheather the he/she would stop and notice and hope I would be comforted without imposing.
• Would be able to get free drinks at bars.. without spending a cent.. you know how it goes.. just like old times.
• I can have MALE friends without having to be defensive.. ending up convincing him/her there is really nothing else going on.
• No more harsh languages and foul words that one tends to tolerate everyday.
• I can buy gifts for my family and friends and meeh.. most especially.
• No one to put me on a tiny pedestal knowing that I could fall off of at any second
• No more complains about being taken for granted.
• No worying.. Troubled.. Bothered by the fact that he/she is still not home! Or what the heck is happening to him/her.. is he/she in trouble?? Is he/she safe?? haaahh!! None of those!
• No more sadness or crying when the person needs to go home.. boo-hoo.. muwi ka kung gusto mo!!
• I'm free at parties or bars to talk to anyone.. whom I please to and choose to.. not having to to turn away and pretend that I don't appreciate good looks.
• No more headaches from thinking about what gift to buy for a surprise.. when I, don't even like surprises.
• No more checking to see if it's okay' to accept or decline an invitation. You can say "sige, tara!" on the spot.
• I can be happy with who I am and not who he/she wants me to be.
• No more lies and cheating and promises meant to be broken.
• You can eat garlic or onions without a second thought about some lip locking and a lot of tounge action.
• Computer games and the remote control is mine.. ALL MINE!
• If I clean up my room, it will stay that way until I mess it up again.
• Not to worry if he/she will or won't call or text.
• No more arguments, headaches and fighting about things none could explain.
• No more reassuring "Am I the only one?"
• No more jealousy and insecurities!

Inlove and Taken (eew.. sige na nga)

• Ah.. the loneliness. No more loneliness during rainy days, out of towns and valentines day.
• No more being out of place when all your not-so single friends take a couples night out.
• The ecstatic feeling of welcoming and farewell hugs and kisses.. haay.. (fweh!)
• Have someone claimed to be loved.. hold yer hands and touch yer face.. wohoo!! (eew..)
• Having someone to agree with me all the time.. nice diba..
• Think about the warmth of the physical presence brought about by someone who cares deeply for you and at the same time you care deeply about too.. hmm
• The thrill of coming home and running over the phone staring at it while asking everyone if it already rang or did he/she already called.
• You'll be able to brag over single friends that you've finally found The One and that you are so much loved.. having them irritated with how you consistently share how happy and in love you are with each other.. haha!
• No more sinking feeling when you're lost and you don't know where you are. You can be lost anywhere with that person.
• When unwelcome guests comes in to the picture..(crawling things) One could always have him/her remove them or shu them away from you..
• I could always pick a good shoulder bag that would match his/her outfit.. hehe.. Since they always want to carry things for you..
• Someone to show off cooking skills learned from the heart that wishes to win the other through his/her stomach.
• Good arguments and informative debates and yet..the love and respect never fades.
• One would always have someone who'd take care of you when sick or nag baby-babyhan..
• It's always nice having people praise how you look at each other and how everyone sees the chemistry between the the two of you too..
• Having someone kiss your feet.. arms.. kili-kili and places no other is allowed to go to..
• Appear! Having someone with the same outlook in life as yours.. having him/her say the same thing.
• Quality time and a lot of good talks.. Unlimited flirting and teasing..
• Have someone fight for you when some other disrespects you..
• Not minding the scars endured from a past not too healthy to even think about, because you have someone who clearly sees you as perfection..
• The anticipation of doing it.. where ever you wish to..

There are a lot people I have spoken with regarding the best things being single could bring about to their lives.. They told me they would want to stay that way forever.. What a load of hypocritical cr*p. I know some people actually enjoy being single.. At the moment.. But would it be like that forever? I don't know, really. Sure.. Eventually, you will have this chilling coldness within your whole spirit and your spine and you would just wish..you have someone who loves you to the core. It's okay to enjoy being single when you're young, but when a single person reaches a certain age. They get scared and terrified about the fact that they will grow old alone. The tendency is for them to make a diversion or a distraction that would make them believe that being single is actually better than being in a relationship.

Fact: Everybody needs somebody. It's not about who.. It's all a matter of when.. When the heart may be ready, anyone who is around you could be the one.. The other just needs to find the perfect place.. and the perfect time.. And let the chips fall where they may..

...

I needn't know everything. I needn't have to be excellent on many field, I understand that I should be good enough though.

I have to learn how to use punctuations. I have to learn how to consolidate everything I am seeing right now. I'm helpless. I don't want to fight back. My little red blood pumpin organ may not be able to handle another ache some time soon.

Pain is a sign of life. Good Lord.. I am so0o0o unbelievably alive then? haha.. Nah.. It's not that painful.. It's kinda aching though.. Huwhaat??!! no0oh!! Pain? yah.. let it hit me.. Too much of it could kill you though.. Could be true for those who is scared of dying. Yeah, I could die later. Just want to enjoy everything while it lasts.. While it's here.. Hurt me! Hurt me real good!!

I'm being too irrational. I don't know what I'm doing to myself. Really. Come to think of it.. Have I ever been sure?? haha..

Heavy hearted.. Couldn't talk.. Oops.. What's that? Fell right out from my eyes.. haha..

Hate rainy days? How could I.. Been getting the hang of it lately, wasn't I?

It's quite a f*cked up world.. You end up getting a dose of your own medicine.. Quite a lot of it in return.. Sooo knowingly try to enjoy but at the same time resist.. Too much of every f*ckin pill kills.. When you think you know everything.. You come up with the most stupid decisions in the world.. You think about the most shallow excuses and try to put profound logic on the statements..

When a prey is hunted.. does it run right through the bullet from a gun shot by the hunter?

Does it crawl up the predator's mouth and smile stupidly until it notice its death?

It doesn't..

Shouldn't I.. f*cking tell myself that I need to stop getting carried away by blissful situations for such emotional turmoil.. huhu.. is and would always be a hazard to my pathetic little self.

What's wrong with me.. PMS? haha! You think?! I really hope it's just that.. And I do hope it is! Wohooh..

Crazy!

Girl, you're messed up! Everybody lies.. Haven't you learned so far? They don't care.. It's easier for them to tell you stuff that ain't true! They'll eventually find reason to break you off into crumbs that you, yourself, wouldn't lick off the floor. F*cking PMS.. I really hope it's just that.. haha!

Help..

I have to be strong.. I can't.. I wont.. haha.. I sure don't

Just when you thought you don't..

You end up realizing you do..

Then you do whatever it is that you can, to prove it ain't..

And it is shoved up to your face realizing it is..

You try to hate..

But turns out.. You can't..

And you won't..

Will I?

Am I?

Here we go again..

You win..

Rated PG

I feel like writing today. I have a lot in mind I want to talk about. But then, what am I doing.. my mouth goes.. blah.. blah.. blah.. but my mind says something else.. hmm..

I went home early today. My everyday itinerary shows otherwise. See, what happens is I get so accustomed to a particular habit and whenever I get very comfortable, I find it hard to change them.. I'm not saying it's impossible.. i did said it's hard.. Everyday I set my clock to 19:00 hours.. the tone of the alarm is from Beyonce's - Single Ladies.. I have gotten immune to the sound though.. so I miss the alarm everyday.. I wake up to the beat of my very carefree heart.. rushing my fat b*tt down the stairs.. dragging my still sleepy head into the bathroom and a lot hesitant to pour the water on my still warm body.. (yahks.. ang ginaw eh).. I then quickly grab anything I could find from the closet and throw on the bed those that I couldn't find comfortable to wear. If there's still 30 minutes on the clock, I two blocks from home to take the jeepney for work.. If there's 20 minutes, I could still find time to pick a nice taxi cab down the block and be able to blow dry my hair in the office.. If there's 15 minutes, I run like the wind and grab the nearest cab.. bring my toothbrush and comb my hair in the cab.. If there's 10 minutes left.. I'm in deep trouble.. Nine hours of work.. less the lates.. less the lunch and breaks.. less the over breaks.. less the avail times.. hay.. how could I do this to my work.. Why was I made this way? Yah.. blame it all on others.. hehe.. Sorry.. Joke lang po.. I know I could change.. I just need to be very.. hmm.. very.. dedicated? hmm.. I know I am.. I try to please people I talk to.. (no fair huh.. that's not even difficult for me).. hmm.. I guess.. I have to push myself further.. Be punctual.. whoever invented such word.. must be enjoying himself seeing me struggle.. troubled with the thought of how I could comply with it.. haha.. I know it's important.. I just have to find ways I could enjoy being early.. as the bird.. whoever said birds aren't late?? hooh! headache!

I was supposed to be watching the original Planet of the Apes, 1968 version. I was really looking forward to rekindling the very first times I remembered I was a flick addict.. haay.. good old days.. good old lazy days.. I miss procrastinating.. I miss hanging out with my good friends doing nothing but think about "hmm.. anu kayang magandang gawin.." haay.. those good old days.. nothing compares to those idle moments.. times when you couldn't give a d*mn about what others are doing.. or thinking.. when people don't talk about you.. cos nobody's around to blab about your whereabouts.. cos everyone is too busy to mind you.. only the parents nags.. and it doesn't matter.. cos they're gonna do it again tomorrow and your ears memorized everything it heard.. you could just compose a song about how they consistently nag you.. the good thing is.. they don't hurt.. as much as gossips.. Anyway.. I really couldn't care. I've had worse than gossips.. These little things couldn't kill me.. I started giving everyone the benefit of the doubt a long time ago anyway.. There are people that I just don't stand a chance with.. Those who are the pretenders.. the ones who trick people.. Those I couldn't really figure out.. to h*ll with them..

Happy place..

Happy thoughts..

Okay...........................

Earlier, I was feeling a bit sick. I didn't feel like going to work. I was a bit floating and a bit troubled about what I have been doing to myself lately. An alter-ego was playing its part with my rarely appreciated self. See.. I've recently had a very exciting getaway lately.. My friend and I went to Puerto Galera the last weekend. I've spent my weekend expanding my knowledge and opening up to a whole new world of escapades. Hmmm.. CJ, is a friend from work.. She's like my best gal friend in the office. Twas fun having her around while I was really drunk and sleepy.. hehe.. I've spent the day with a very special person.. One whom I felt really comfortable with.. someone who's behind me lately.. Someone whom if I couldn't even see.. I thought.. would still be there..

"..would it be wrong to look in the eyes, see them stare.. see right through them.. the little grin.. they rocked my world.. turned me around.."

..sounding a bit sexual am I not? hehe.. totally not sounding.. let's just say.. I'm a new soul.. a bit hardcore and wild on the outside at times.. but still soft in the inside.. sometimes I wonder.. should everything be superficial.. there's more to life than what meets the eye.. but if the eyes makes one feel for the heart.. then.. could the eyes make life beat as how one sees everything.. another shallow thought from someone confused about what the world is throwing at her.

I really couldn't figure out myself right now.. could anyone help me clear things.. I'm so not aware of where I currently am. To sum it all up.. I guess.. everything is reciprocated in a way.. the heart plays it's part.. the eyes does too.. It's all a matter of how the mind balances everything..

Could it be.. hmm.. I wonder..

Gonna rest my eyes a bit.. Let the body talk.. We'll figure this out..

Birthday wish

I am 26.. but I feel so young at heart.. I thank those who sent out their greetings for me.. Those who called.. Those who texted.. Those who posted on my friendster.. Those who tried to reach me.. My family.. My bestest friends.. Friends from work.. People who cares.. (or so I think).. People who were with me no matter what..

Wish.. Wish.. Wish..

Hmm.. Gotta think of something.. Hmm..

Everyone makes wishes.

I, personally, don't believe in wishes.. Lame thoughts to justify idleness and procrastination.. Detaching one's soul from the real world and dragging one's booh-tey in a utopia where things seems to be unreachable.. unattainable. Not saying wishing is bad.. It's just that.. I believe people could make things happen. If there is drive and hunger.. And when I want to make things happen, I don't take cr*ppy stuff from other people anymore.. or things they say.. things they may think of you.. It hinders me from making things REALLY come into occurrence.. for people I'm trying to protect.. and myself as well..

What I'm trying to say is..

One needn't "WISH", but "HOPE".. that things gets better some time soon.

Great difference between them.. Just wanted to make myself clear.. hehe..

My life isn't complicated really. Not asking for any of those.. Thank you.. And could I really even ask for anything more.. No hatred in this heart.. No heavy feelings.. I am happy.. God has truly blessed me.. Didn't He? I'm so happy, could I just die right now.. No.. too soon.. hmm.. perhaps 70 years from now.

Do I really want to die old? I don't think so. I'd gladly die for my family though.. And people worth dying for.. I will chose to die trying to fight for what I love doing.. Life is grand.. My death should be dramatic.. I want to die in a time wherein a very poetic scenario may take place.. and I was the hero of some sort.. or was able to touch thousands of lives.. or even millions.. I want to establish a climactic ending in my very own little fantasy world. An ending wherein I was able to fulfill my destiny.. my grandiosity and my true purpose. Have I lived out my purpose yet? Not that I know of..

Come closer then..
Let me touch your life..
Got a little bit of something for everyone..
A hug perhaps..
It's free..
Just one hug from everybody..
For little ol' me..

Entertaining my thoughts..

March.. My month. My time. My birthday is coming up. Had a good start already. I'm starting to feel the old Roan coming into life. She died six years ago you know. Now that she's resurrected. She's not about to murder herself once again. All the confidence is starting to grow back. Feeling a lot younger and a lot happier.. Thanks to people who knows one's worth and all the respect one deserves. I'm giving back all they deserve as well. It's just that.. I have realized something so useful today. I learned it from a person I met. All the fears I was getting from him.. All the arguments he won with the support of his incorruptible stands in life.. All the defenses stressed out by my system provided that it was just a healthy conversation and turns out.. It was a mere display of him wanting to complicate things. Gave a great impact on me, with his beliefs in life. I thought.. heck.. He's right.. When someone wants something.. Why can't we just give it to them. Let everyone win.. and for someone like me who gets the sickest pleasure knowing someone is not bothered by your presence and knowing he's winning and somehow you know inside you're letting him.. oh whao.. who could possibly lose. But he can't be the only one given that kind of gift. You know.. The ability to be honest and not be condemned for it. Cos hey.. At least he's honest right? Now, why didn't I thought of that before. No promises.. No commitments.. Nothing really.. I've thought.. Just pure happiness.. right?? Nah.. Let's add up complications along with it.. and the fact that you understood each other.. That's all that counts.. He's absolutely right.. With all the beauty this world could offer.. A lifetime isn't enough to enjoy half of it. Just make like a parasite and move on to the next one. Search and destroy philosophy.. Whao.. Kind of.. leaving me with a simple and yet.. inspiring thought.. Never make promises for they are made to be broken by people like me who has a much deeper purpose in life. It's all coming clear to me. Be liberated why don't we.

Anyway.. just entertaining my thoughts.. hehe.. No glory really..

Had another crazy siesta the other day, Saturday, I think. I've been sober again for the millionth time. Did not planned on going, but my feet was seemingly drawing me to the direction where the beers were all over the place.. a whole deal of fun you wouldn't want to miss.. Plus.. a valid invitation was sent out to yours truly. Beer.. Such a tempt. I couldn't stop myself from pumping out the inner maldita in me. The situation was really calling for it. See.. what happened was I like this person.. Sobra.. But since I am a good judge of character and all that.. So are other girls. I'm not the only one who knows a real deal when I see one. Got a lot of competitions not to be blinded by my confidence and all that.. You know.. Ngee-yao!! kkksshhh!! (that's me sounding like an angry kitty..haha!) Wait.. Nothing to be jealous about.

I have had enough of the jealousy in the world and I needn't trouble myself with uncomfortable feelings it may plant upon my already malfunctioning brain.

New prospectives were given the gift of the chance to be accompanied by the greatest people from my work place. I was blessed to be with them from time to time, you know.. Smart and really inspiring people. I couldn't care about how long my work span would last within the company that I'm currently working for. But there's the fact that another reason I am trying to improve my performance is so that I could be with them much longer. I believe few are lucky enough to have co workers who is as great as the people I work with. Or perhaps, I am feeling this cos I came from a h*llish relationship that everything that comes along is so grand.. haha!

Kisser should I label myself.. What the heck is wrong with a single person kissing people she feels like kissing.. especially when they're comforting kisses laid on the cheeks of people whom you feel like needing them.. Plus.. you adore them dearly. Would it even be my fault? Should my wanting to be really sweet justify their being bothered by it.. Momie.. help.. Considering those playful minds.. Perhaps.. They could be who they are.. but I couldn't?! Haay.. Should I be a key ingredient to eliminate doubts in this world.. Should I chose to play tricks on their minds, and later have them proven wrong.. they will then won't give a care in the world of what others may lay upon them next time. Know what.. I wouldn't.. I believe they are depriving themselves of the magic of friendship. Tagging everything with malice and ambiguity. I guess that's one price every man has to pay having the gift of that little heads attached in between their sexy thighs.. connected to a much more useful and magnificent head that couldn't be superior when an obvious situation comes in front of them.. Let little humper do all the thinking.. (doesn't sound right.. hehe..)

Moving on..

Let me tell you what I know about them.. four guys I know.

Monsieur Compliqué

The title describes him.. as per claimed. He is a smart opinionated guy who wants to make others think about stuff. Things that doesn't matter at one point would seem to when he starts talking about it. He makes perfect sense all the time, it becomes irritatingly agreeable. He, at one time, told me that I was a coward. Talk about wanting to make things happen. He's pretty good at making someone, who's really good at reading between the lines, understand such complicated things? I thought I could make things happen.. Until I met him.. Well, my defenses are far too solid for him to subconsciously change them for me.. Or so I think.. waaahh.. He's the type of person who could get away with words. My opinion (which may seem of no importance to smart guys like him) I think people make things complicated so to divert the things that are obvious from the reality of everything that isn't. Talk about stuff huh..

The Warrior (..is a child)

I don't know how else to call him. There's no dull moment everytime you spend time with him. If laughter is the best medicine.. I would prescribe him to you.. That or I'm just really shallow. My bhud, he seems to stick up to his laid-back image. He acts as though he's the heavy hitter..lady-killer type of guy. When I know for sure that deep inside.. he's just like a little boy who seeks for special appreciation just like every other guy I know. The more others notice him.. the more satisfaction he gets from it.. Which is, by the way, not at all that bad. We don't know.. that he comes running home when he falls down.. We don't know who picks him up when no one is around.. He drops his sword and cries for just a while.. Cos deep inside his armour.. The warrior is my bhud.. hehe..

Mr. Fair and Square (Yah.. whatever)

I don't know how to bluntly describe him. All I know is that what you see is what you get. If you don't see it.. Then you don't get it.. hehe.. Be keen.. Be wise.. It's all in the eyes.. It's all in front of you.. Now whatcha gonna do? Nice noh? I just thought about that. Anyway.. He's got his own funny side like The warrior and partial seriousness from Mr. Complicated. He talks to a friend with a balance from his mind and from his heart. He tells you what you need to know and suggest stuff on what you can do. Wait.. finding my descriptions a bit ironic, knowing for a fact that his job is to.. somewhat as I have described him.. haha.. He mentioned one time, that I'm different from when we're discussing stuff from work and when we're all goofing around. I wonder if he preffers me googing around when he's in an earnest mode.. You see.. He may tend to joke bout stuff.. But one could easily tell when he's serious or not.. That is, if you could only read people.. I couldn't see him getting angry though.. Hmm..

His Eminent

And so he came.. Smile..

Everyone looks up to him. Everyone respects him. Smart people are intrigued by him.. I know, I am.. (Not that I'm smart or anything..) Most are fascinated by everything he does.. His walk.. I heard someone commend his booty once.. haha.. When he talks.. Everyone listens. He's cute when he stutters though.. Especially for a guy who seems to know anything.. About everything.. All the great qualities ideal to ones imagination.. He's sweet and really sensitive about other's feelings. Great job parents! Make more of his kind.. Seems running out of HIMS.. haay.. I know someone who cheers up everytime his face flashes in front of.. anywhere I guess. He doesn't seem to know his effect on chicas. The scent.. embeded in the soul.. It's not the brand.. It's him.. Been very humble about his very weakening aura.. I wonder.. Did he realize his worth today.. I learned sometime not so long ago.. and I mean.. not so long ago.. This crazy girl wanted a dose of him every single day.. I also learned that the girl finds him really hot and quite a turn on.. yihee.. Could you even blame the girl.. The eyes.. wohoo.. is it hot in here.. aahh.. Tummy ache.. hehe.. Joke! He's so cute when he's makulet.. He's a gentleman.. And a perfect company.. He converses really well.. Very articulate.. Great sense of humor too.. Never fails to make me smile.. There's more to what words could say.. The page ain't enough to describe his wonders.. He's great you know.. Have I mentioned that? Oh.. I forgot.. Wow..

I guess.. I wouldn't know what I really REALLY mean to these guys.

If I won't be on the floor.. Would we still hang out.. Either way.. the business wouldn't be the same without them.. especially without the big boss.. who binds all of us together.. I find it really entertaining how people judge them when they don't even know who these guys really are.. I per se, am very good when it comes to discerning peoples hidden attributes.. and these guys.. they each have greatness thrust upon them.. ones that stands out.. (grin)

Anyway..

Earlier I was crazy.. Then I got perky.. Then.. Now.. I'm confused.. haha.. I wonder why.. Conperky??.. ain't it funny is it just beginners luck (singing?)

No fair making me cry every endth of the month though. Got to revoke the power from something that's not even there. It's not supposed to happen. I have to be happy all the way.

As my momie goes.. "No one has the power to hurt me.. unless I let them". Why am I letting.. huhu.. Why make me cry.. bad you.. huhu.. Actually, I could be happy.. No commitments.. No pain.. No game.. No promises.. hmm.. Could we talk about kisses next time?? I like kisses.. I'm a.. uhmm.. hmm.. I like kisses on the cheeks.. and flying kisses.. and hugs.. from my friends.. what does that make me..

Not making a point. Once again.. I'm lost. Battling with myself. Crazy and stupid actions provided by one so naive trying to sound smart and competent. While as to the truth of life.. I'm just a car without an engine trying to drive and manipulate my own undirected life.

Go to sleep Roan!!

What a girl wants

What do you do when you got nothing to ask for? All these can be very soothing.. I'm glad it's in my system as of the moment. I guess.. I could not think of anything more to ask for.. or.. hmm maybe.. let me see..

I am looking.. I am seeing.. And a bit caught up with what my mind is entertaining right now.. I smile and cheer up with quite a heavy heart. I am happy.. check!

Everything's great.

I feel like sharing my happiness to the world. Or at least to those who would gladly appreciate them. I feel selfish having these feelings all to myself.. happiness, that is.. haay.. couldn't complain really..

Contentment.. basically a state of mind. But when it all comes down to it.. Is this what's really there?? I guess.. yes.. perhaps.. maybe.. Heck.. YEAH!! Of course.. Why ask?! No fair! Heavy heart? huh? Is that right? Honestly.. maybe cos I'm just a bit sleepy.. I'm always sleepy..

Saw something really shiny a while ago while I was on my way home. It was a fancy necklace the girl was wearing. I could tell that it is fake cos the necklace itself was somewhat fading. My eyes was on the rhinestones actually. By the way.. I'm so f*cking hypnotized by stuff that glitters and glows.. Gemstones.. Rhinestones.. Diamonds, I guess.. Those kind of stuff couldn't get enough of.. I think I owned a jewelry with diamonds in it once.. Lost them for some reason.. Given by my grandmother.. Precious stones.. Surely are a girl's bestfriend. Stuff that glitters.. Very easy on the eyes. I want them. It's like.. they're calling out to me. Diamonds? Expensive though.. Wouldn't go out of my way just to acquire one. I'd rather stick with rhinestones.. not expensive.. but just as perfect.. wow.. (mind floating). I am that shallow.. really.. hehe.. I love the white and the aquamarine ones.. on clothes.. shoes.. on my skin.. everywhere.. haay.. Clear images of rhinestones in my mind.. I love them..

Isn't it amazing how you admire something from a little distance. You wanted to get your hands on them, but you just can't cos first.. They're not yours.. Second.. there are other stones in the open.. But only such seems so appealing to you. You want to have them.. Own them.. but can't.. One tries to look for something like it. But ends up with something enough to leave you saying.. "I'm contented.."















Check out the set of ea rings above. What difference does they have anyway. Could one really tell when something is the real deal? They're both perfect right? Perhaps.. I don't speak in behalf of everyone.. For me though, it's just like appraising the human race. Those who can tell are those who are the inexperienced ones. The irony is.. Those who get tricked over and over again are those who think they know everything. They stick to what they know, basing everything from their not so majestic experiences. While as for those who are otherwise.. could easily identify.

In my seemingly emotional life's blog, I find myself currently contented to stuff that are pretty and okay. I couldn't crave for the extremes and day dream about what a perfectly painted masterpieces of a life's journey without any perils, struggles and complications at all could offer.

Isn't it funny how people got stuck to what they think is okay and provided all the benefits of the doubts.. expected things to go bad.. but then.. it went well. Hahay..

I often wonder.. What's the point of arguing with one's self and keep debating with the subconscious.. knowing one could always follow their whims.. the desires and in the end.. realize that desires would always prevail.. no matter how one blinds self.. it would never be wiped out.. because it is there and would only disappear when another is entertained.. either way.. they are desires still..

Look at me.. speaking my mind.. I'm not even sure what my point is. Oh right.. I remember..
I love rhinestones.. hehe..

Ms. Messer-Upper

Just got home from a get together. Quite different from the previous ones I've had. Was having fun.. Hmm..

It's raining again.. What can you say about the rain today? Not everybody loves it. Just when the sun is perfectly shining or the moon brightly glowing and the stars twinkling. A goofy rain comes pouring down and messing things up. Everyone gets upset. Everything seems to be affected. The porma.. The new shades.. (panu mo gagamitin unless may wiper sha diba?).. Camp out.. Bar-b-cue.. Everything has to be put-off.. Dates for some? Partyin for singles and those feeling single din..

I find it entertaining really..

Rainy days? The world can't seem to get enough of it.

As for me.. I can't seem to get enough of what I'm eating right now.. I'm eating Kornets.. Dippin on mayo.. Couldn't compose a serious thought cos I'm eating.. And to think.. I just ate.. haha.. I can't get enough of the thought that one day soon.. I will be eating sa Seaside.. Using these hands.. Aah.. the glorious hands.. Lucky are we who have them.. Take good care of them, yes please.. Your hands and your eyes.. Hmm.. One could live without the rest.. Of course the torso.. the organs.. the genitals are vital too.. hmmm..
Not to be very literal.. Can't be a hand with an eye and an extra something showing.. People would look at you and say..

"Is that thing alive?"

(Imaginin mo naman kase.. Isang kamay na may mata tapos may ano pa!)

Indeed.. Can't be attractive that way.. Nope!
You know what I mean.. The point is.. well.. Need I say more?

Where was I?? Hmm.. I was talking about the rain.. and stuff I couldn't get enough of.. okay..

I couldn't get enough of yappin and blogging and I just can't seem to get enough of combining food and a PC together.. I couldn't get enough of DVD's and the television.. haaaah.. hypnotized by it.. I couldn't get enough of my playlist and adding up new songs.. Ones I couldn't stop from playing in my wonderful and fantasy emblemed mind.. I couldn't get enough of glowing stuff such as rhinestones and fancy jewelries and stuff that glitters.. I couldn't get enough of shoes.. Ones I don't use and ones I don't buy.. I couldn't get enough of admiring pretty things and pretty girls.. huh??

I couldn't get enough of fishy stuff.. (hey.. I'm a Pisces).. I couldn't get enough of beer and the craziness it brings upon my sanity. I couldn't get enough of erotic fantasies and wishing I could be brave enough to put them into reality.. Amfut%$&*.. Halt! Got carried away.. sorry.. (*Blush*)

I couldn't get enough of of myself and how I clumsily say what's in my mind? I couldn't get enough of my procrastination and of my useless inhibitions. I couldn't get enough of my tardiness.. I couldn't get enough sleep and I miss my bed every time I'm away from it.. My dear bed.. Missing you already.. hay..

I couldn't get enough of my Tatay nagging me every time I mess up.

I couldn't get enough of my Momie nagging me every time I mess up.

I couldn't seem to stop messing up.. plus.. I couldn't help messing around.. hehe..

I surely couldn't get enough of caring for other people.. ones who matters.. even ones who doesn't. Beat that!!

I couldn't get enough of welcoming complications with a heavy heart and a helpless smile and dealing with them eve-ree-time they come in?!!

Anyway..

I couldn't get enough of my friends and how they consistently make me laugh.

I couldn't get enough of laughter or happiness.. I'm it's number one fan.. (lalo pa mababaw lang naman ako).. Hoo-hoo.. It kinda bothers me why certain rain showers hinder my every whim. I believe there shouldn't be limits to ones happiness. Go for the extreme.. Unless one's health or other's is at risks. Limits in my life though, I believe, is being justified by God.

I almost hated the first day of the week, but then, I heard Him say.. He wanted to have me on Sundays. Everything was going on smoothly until I started missing Sunday masses. I understand that now. I'm sorry po. This girl seems to be enjoying too much of the blessings she was given, seemed to be blown away by beautiful stuff.

Help me not to mess up.. You gave me enough strength to face anything.. Not to dare you for anything more God.. I'm just saying.. You have been there for me always.. Cos You love me and You will always do.. And You would never ever.. EVER let my family and my friends and people who matters to me.. get hurt.. cos You love me.. and them too.. hu-hu.. Lord, ako na lang po ah.. Wag lang sila.. Hurt me more!! I'm not saying You intentionally hurt people.. I'm just saying.. ako na lang po sana masaktan.. wag lang sila.. pretty pleeease..

A tough cookie.. I think I know too well.. started this with quite a heavy heart. She seemed to have had enough of the rain.. Then again.. gave it a few thoughts.. She figured.. What the heck.. Not everything goes according to her plans anyway.. Plus.. It's just a little rain.. She has been through a big calamity already.. yet, she's standing still PPP.. poised, pretty and perky.. haha.. or at least trying to be.

To be continued.. sleepy na..