CHANGES *please stop scaring me*

Everything around me seems to be changing so fast.. It's really scary..

An old friend from highschool has been keeping in touch with me.. Noticed though that she has become all involved in religious stuff and she has this new image and it's very sweet.. Not that I didn't liked her before.. I liked her, a lot actually.. Her craziness.. Her teasing and wild ways.. Her being loud.. Kinda mellowed down a bit, I would asume that I wouldn't be able to play with her anymore like we used to.. metaphorically, that is.. But anyway.. I did browsed her pictures up.. I can see how she's so happy with her life right now.. I admire her, let me tell you.. She went through a lot during highschool.. Lost her mom at a very young age, not sure as to how she lost her dad.. Crazy rumors bout her.. Which usually happens if you're one of the best.. A lot would look down on you even if you are so damn close to perfection.. Rumors that came from people I grew up calling my friends.. Turned out, also did a couple ones on me.. Anyway.. My old friend.. She's pretty much the real deal.. She can sing.. dance.. she's witty.. she is very good at almost everything.. And she's pretty too.. best of all, she cranks me up.. hehe.. Kinda lost touch over the years until, recently.. With the way she talks to me and reading her shout outs.. She did changed a lot.. I'd like to talk to her again.. about life.. about everything.

Someone also called me up earlier today. I didn't know why I answered.. I was a bit hazy, I guess.. We talked for a couple of minutes. It went well I can say.. A little laughter and quite a bit of almost.. hmm.. whatever popped out.. He also shared a bit about his health.. Made me sad, just thinking about it now.. His life.. his health.. depends on his lifestyle.. He can't do a couple of things he used to, which by the way, involved a lot of fun, carelessness and.. I'd say craziness too. I remembered spendin sober moments with him.. I really didn't cared much about myself.. All I wanted to do is drink and get drunk.. and pass out. He took me home everytime though.. Took good care of me for a moment there..

A lot of things surely changed.. It's like a whole new world every second.. Have these changes paired up with memories.. God.. So heavy.. Can't handle em.. Bad.. Are they some sort of evil doings or something.. Cos anything that's heavy in the heart surely is a work by something else.. Only the toughest survive.. The weak, either, runs away from em.. or just cry cos there's nowhere else to go..

Tears.. surely a sign of weakness.. And a smile.. may be a sign of strength.. or so believed to be.. I heard that tears are unspoken words.. Hmm.. ang daldal ng mata ko then.. If all things must change, then I would need to learn to move and run faster so I can catch up.. I would need to learn to speak louder so I can be heard.. I need to be firm with my decisions so I don't go by running around them.. Baffles me though.. How come I seem to stand by my beliefs and not by my decisions.. they are supposed to be intertwined right? Hold it.. Brain jammed..

Thought about complications and then everything went.. sfjiefrofshfakashfkshfks0riewoiwu

I'm thinking, what I know often defies what I believe.. What I do is often based on them said beliefs.. I don't always trust what I believe so I stand by what I think is right.. Which often turns out to be wrong.. I know it's wrong cos it hurts.. I really need to stop complicating things.. Just cos others are unpredictably predictable, doesn't mean I have to take their.. hmm *what am I going to use as an alternative for b*llsh*ts?*.. misdoings?

hay.. need a rest..

I'm sorry..

Resolution 2010

The New Year started and I have failed to pick out resolutions for myself.. They've always worked out for me.. Gota fix things.. Again.. Hay.. I'm all covered with sh*t.. It's not too late though, right? Hay.. Many times I've wished to become a better person.. Like right now most especially.. this little life right here.. She's depending on mine..

I recalled days ago, I was so furious with my father.. We had a lil argument and I was so furious.. Someone's also calling on the phone.. What a mess.. I left Riane for a second to release my anger.. and when I got back, she was at the edge of the bed.. She turned over.. Just right there.. She could have fallen.. God, I cried so hard.. I was so sorry and my brains just exploded.. the thought of what might have happened to her.. all because I was so full of fury.. All these hate.. all this contempt.. It might hurt her.. I can't be emotional all the time just because people are jerks.. I'm gona kill myself if something bad ever happens to her because of my carelessness.. I have to be strong.. I can't take chances when it concerns the little one.. I guess I have to accept that unlike some lucky ones.. I'm surrounded by people who, if not are selfish pricks and a-holes.. are people I am forced to deal with whether I like it or not.. and even though I love them.. and they too loves me.. somehow.. they are as human as I am, and every once in a while.. they'll mess up and they just wont give a f*ck about others.. including myself..
*Deep heavy sigh..*

How can LOVE..a supposedly wonderful feeling, destroy a perfectly sane being.. I know, I am not all that, but, I would have made it just on my own.. I'm such a weakling.. How do you think will I be able to withstand all these nerve wrecking situations I am caught up with all the time.. I'm not that competitive pa.. Not that I'm a quitter or anything like that.. I guess, I figured.. what's the point of battling it out.. If it's meant to be.. Then be it..

Anyway.. This is the life I was given.. Tried building walls.. just aren't too thick enough.. Tried to avoid trouble.. been putting myself into too much of em.. Tried to fight the rest off.. turns out.. I'm just the regular Popeye without mi spinach! And the market's out of spinach.. Silly aren't I.. There's no way of getting around em boguses.. So instead of complaining non-stop.. I'm just gona have to come up with a better action plan.. This time, I'm gona TRY to really work it out.. here goes..

RESOLUTION # 1 REFRAIN FROM USING THE F WORD WHEN YOU BLOG and all em other cuss too.. Come to think of it.. When did I ever learned to say bad words.. When did I stopped? I did stopped.. Hmm.. In my defense though, I don't really say em out loud.. I just write em down.. Anyway.. gota cut it out too.. Enough with the bad mouthing

RESOLUTION # 2 WAKE UP EARLY AND BE PUNCTUAL
haha! Seriously.. Who am I kidding? haay.. I kill myself sometimes.. does this one count? okay.. we'll try this one.. hoooh..

RESOLUTION # 3 BE POSITIVE.. IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY

I will try to use the words AT LEAST as often as I can.. Look at everything in its positive angle maybe.. as to the biggest lesson learned from last year.. Never be afraid to take a chance, otherwise, life will happen and the moment will just pass you by.. along with all the good things that may have came along with it.

Riane though, is another story.. She'll always be a positive little thing no matter how worse the situation is.. No questions about my angel.

RESOLUTION # 3 SPEND MAJOR TIMES WITH FRIENDS
I know, I should be socializing.. Will rekindle old friendship too.. Missed em quite a lot.. Who knows.. I might meet the PERSON of my dreams through them.. *person?* hehe.. And yes, I know.. I wont ever turn my back on my little one.. She's my life.. But like any other, I too have my own lil needs.. Will build new bridges too.. And friends are truly God's way of saying, I never left you.. Huhu..

RESOLUTION # 4 WORK ON TRUST ISSUES

Basically, what I need to work on is.. myself, I think.. I need to trust myself.. Trust that I can handle manipulation.. Trust that I have the power over my emotions.. Trust that I shall not fail.. Trust that I will never ever trully be alone.. For I am and forever will be the emblemed in the hearts of many who ever shared a breath of air with me.. *Huh?.. Anu na sinasabi ko?* Trust.. hmm.. TRUST? owkei.. Trust then.. I should stand by my principles.. Oh and shoot.. don't let em silly songs affect your mood.. Memories are really evil noh? They are teases.. They play with your mind.. And I have a dirty mind pa naman..

RESOLUTION # 5 GO ON WITH THE ELIMINATION PROCESS

There's no reason why I should hold on to silly thoughts and what ifs and what might have beens.. Most especially when they are draining out the fluids from my brain. Let em silly thoughts go!

There's no point of waiting for the right one.. If by chance I spot someone I really like.. I will go for him.. Grab him by the neck and kiss the sanity out of him.. or her.. If he turns out to be a jerk.. So what? They can all be jerks sometimes.. If he turns out to be a good guy.. That would be great..

Uhh.. I'm not that liberated.. haha.. Good thought though.. good thought.. I'll consider it for a really really worthy fella.. or felony.. huhuy.. Not even.. Joke lang.. Nevertheless, I have discretion over my actions.. Responsible choices.. I hope I don't get another.. who'll waste me again.. us..

I don't know how to continue..
I just went blank.

oUr fIrsT cHecK uP tOgeTher

Went to the hospital yesterday for my baby's first check up.. And a follow up for me too. We were waiting in line right there and I saw an old woman on a wheelchair.. She's really old and was staring at Riane. Her weak eyes were seemingly wondering as to God knows what ever it is that she's thinking about.. Somehow.. the old lady seems to stare with emptiness.. I really don't know how to describe her stare.. It's like.. hmm.. a blank look.. She's on her chair and she's just looking at my baby.. The ironic thing is, when I leaned over to Riane.. She was staring back at the old woman.. only.. my Riane's eyes are very expressive.. It's like.. she's transmitting messages to the lady.. I duno.. Riane's probably hypnotizing her or something.. The thing that baffles me is that, Riane seemed to have a lot more going on inside her innocent little mind than that of the old lady's. My mom mentioned days ago that when she looks at Riane, she sees an old soul in her.. Eeew.. Sounds creepy.. Mom even said that she's like me when I was little.. We both seem to know what's going on around us.. Hmm.. No clear point.. Or I may have forgotten.. I think.. I don't remember.. It made me think.. Are we still who we are when we were younger? Do souls move from one body to another? Feelings.. are they the soul passing through our body? Anyway.. Just sharing some thoughts.. Deep.. I know.. ;)

My aNgeL's HaLo

I like Beyonce's Halo.. My angel Riane is the very first person I thought about when I heard the song.. She's my everything.. The rest just don't f*ckin matter now.. Isn't it amazing what a little baby can do to you.. Especially when the baby is yours.. She's right here beside me and I'm missing her already.. Just got to smell her breath and kiss her cheeks.. She's the source of my strength.. I wonder.. Does she get weak kaya everytime I try to replenish my strength? Hmm.. Di naman siguro.. Angels don't run out of positive energy diba..

One thing that bothers me though is the single thought of this.. one person.. That single thought disconnects me from everything good that's left in my wholeness.. Everytime the person enters the back of my mind.. I lose it.. I get disoriented and I tend to break down.. I was wondering how I can fight it off.. How I won't be affected by all that freaking force that pulls me down everytime.. I can't always bring my angel with me.. I have to work.. I have to grow too as a person.. Hmm.. I guess all I need is a full body and soul makeover..

How do I start then? They say one should always start within.. Yup.. Check.. I'm doing that.. I'm on the right track I guess.. I have isolated myself temporarily from everyone and I am slowly.. gently trying to pick up and compose myself.. I try to sleep when my angel is asleep.. Hmm.. I should be resting right now.. Sorry.. Can't help it.. Had to write this.. Baka makalimutan ko na naman.. Where was I? Oh, right.. I'm also eating three times a day.. I take a bath daily na rin.. To cleanse all the negative aura in me.. Oh goodness.. Was that a confession right there? Oh noh.. Hehe.. So wrong.. Let me re-phrase that.. I take a bath TWICE daily.. Believe me, you.. non-existing reader!

Anyway.. Kinda making me smile about how I was so silly and jealous during my pregnancy.. Right, I know.. I was the most stupid pregnant woman.. The most stupid person for that matter.. God, though, has been really so good to us ni baby Riane.. He took good care of us both in spite of all my craziness..

Lord.. I'm sorry po ah.. I've been out of line and yet.. You understood my stupidity.. You were there beyond my childishness and irrationality.. Forgive me Lord.. I wasn't patient enough with myself.. (tear jerkin..gota kiss her,need to go to the source of my strength..hang on a sec)

There.. Fully regenerated.. She cried though.. Funny thing about my little Riane.. There are times na maputi sha and there are times na she's all red.. When she's furious or hungry, I guess.. She's nangingitim.. Hehe.. She changes color.. =) There are a couple of manerisms too that's like that of her father.. Hmm.. Not too thrilled to talk about that.. Oh.. Her umbilical chord fell off last week.. Wow.. It's amazing how I'm witnessing everything about her.. First teardrop.. First laughter with sounds.. First funny face caught on camera.. Haay.. Can anyone explain this smile on my face.. God.. Getting in touch with my mominess.. And another thing.. Breastfeeding-SUCKS.. haha.. I mean, the pain.. it's just unbearable.. Had to endure all that with the thought that she'll grow up smart and healthy.. and pretty..

I was so full of sh*t.. My jealousy and insecurity got the best of me when everyone knows I'm the fairest of them all.. Hehe.. *may reklamo sa baranggay*

teka.. my head is aching.. and my back too..

I am Bionic *just need some new batteries*

New Year Scenario..
He left.. I cried a little.. I damped a little of this.. Where's that thing.. This Eryhromycin on my eyes.. Sa baby ko yun eh.. She endured from my delivery a little.. parang rashes sa eyes.. Ayun nga.. I placed it on my eyes para hindi halata na umiyak.. Trip lang.. Hala.. Namaga lalo.. Twas like I cried for five months.. Haha.. like i didn't?.. Anyway.. Should have taken a picture.. Kadeers.. Natawa tuloy si Ekok..
I was in my room, internet connection was lame.. Just opened my window.. My Riane is asleep, thank God.. I was up all dawn because she kept crying.. Maybe she can feel my pain.. Haha.. Crappy song.. I like the background..

"Every night I cry myself to sleep, thinking why does this happen to me. Why does every moment have to be so hard? Hard to believe it.."
"It's not over tonight. Just give me one chance to make it right. I may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you.."

I'm really stuck in the past.. Listen to me.. I sound so pathetic.. Recently.. I noticed that I am only when this f*cking L word is involved.. I'm not so right in the head when I'm in-f*ckin-love.. That, or maybe I'm not supposed to be.. Or maybe I haven't found my match yet.. The one person who can pretty much handle me.. Right on the neck.. Yeah.. My man.. My strong tough man.. Someone who knows what he wants.. Someone who doesn't give up that easily.. Someone who's gona scare the crap out of me.. (yhaks, babui).. Scare tactics not in a form of a threat but cos you respect the person too much.. for the fact that he stand by his beliefs and principles and that he respects yours too and does not contradict you all the time for them silly said beliefs.. A man of his words.. Someone who understands my undesiciveness and who is capable of pointing out my mistakes without making me feel bad about myself. Someone who lets me win even though it is obvious that I'm losing.. Oh and here's my favorite.. Someone I could make out with for the rest of our lives.. Hmm.. Well.. Until maybe we can.. haha! Goodness.. I'm in a f*cking fantasy world.. These are the exact b*llsh*t that I've been holding on to since I could remember.. The same b*llsh*ts that gets me into trouble on the first place.. The reasons why I'm broken all the time. Should I stand by a world full of things none mentioned above.. I'd be called a cynic.. Should I live in the world of the ugliest truths and try to show them to other people, I'd be a negative thinker.. What should I do? Play it like it is..Toy with stupid men.. Or women (haha) who thinks they can do anything to other people.. Me in particular.. Huh? Take all the crapy things they have to give you and pretend it's okay?
My sisters and I were having our little chit chats the other day during breakfast and they saw my eyes were all swollen again
"Anoh? Umiyak ka na naman?!"
"Hindi noh.. Puyat lang.."
"Masukista ka noh?!"
"Puyat nga lang.."
" blah blah blah.."
Haha.. And we had our debate and they were making fun of me.. They said I enjoy pain.. I'd go for things that is painful and that I wanted to keep harmful people in my life.. ones who injures me emotionally.. They think I like living in the ugly truth.. When there is also another thing called the beautiful truth.. And that I should only settle for those.. They think I'm intentionally hurting myself cos it satisfies me.. In silence, they made me tell myself..
Maybe.. I should lay out all the things that would make me happy and that if other people won't buy them.. I should then sell it to ones who would..

(Hmm.. Tama ba? English kasi ko ng english eh.. Tagalog naman usapan namin.. haha)

"Masukista ka nga! haha! Hirap ka to let pain go"

"Bakit ba gusto mong nasasaktan ka.."

"Oo nga.. wala ka namang problema, gumagawa ka eh.."

I told them..

"Probably, the same reason why Belle loved the Beast.. cos she believed that somewhere within all the ugliness outside.. there is a bit of goodness that lies within.. At saka Beasts lang nakakasalamuha ko eh.. Bakit ba"

Ayan.. taglish kami ng mga sisters na suzette..

And the debate goes on until siningit na naman ni Mami yung pang chi-chix ni Tatay.. so we all had to leave the table.. Hay..

I guess all's fair in love and war.. I read a couple of articles a while back.. I figured, one is always allowed to be deceitful or lie so just to get the person one truly loves or desire.. I on the other hand, am always on the losing end when caught in situations as such.. I'm not very good with competitions.. Most of the time, I tend to be misled. Another thing is that, i often try to dodge or avoid situations that may lead to the L word even though my whole soul is so much attracted to the idea.. I tend to defy my heart.. this stupid heart has always been to much of a coward since.. since the last time it got shattered into pieces.. (arte).. The truth is, I usually do everything to win a person's heart too.. I beg.. crawl.. even court em and please em.. Whatever it takes dude.. But then.. I have gotten used to the idea of heartbreaks.. It's the same old story and crap.. I'm sick of it.. I also have problems with people leaving.. I don't like endings.. I don't enjoy goodbyes.. I cry when it is parting time.. I don't enjoy being the one left behind.. Huhu.. Up until now.. Quite mastered the cynicism towards Hellos and quite frankly, I'm sick of myself being this way.. Loving people secretly.. (nyaks..prang stalker dating haha!) What I meant to say is.. I'm sick of being a coward.. Sick of all these fears getting the most out of me.. I should fight like there's no tomorrow (fight-love).. Heck yeah..

to be continued..

My Christmas Gift

I'm currently in my room. Still in pain due to the stitches endured from my baby's delivery. I can't believe I had her on Christmas day.. December 25th.. I actually had the bleeding by 3am.. Went to the hospital immediately.. My mom, my sister and the baby's dad was with me.. Upon arrival, a wheelchair and a male nurse was waiting for me cos I called in, prior to that.. I wasn't feeling anything painful at the moment.. Was brought to the 2nd floor so for the doctors.. nurses to examine me.. 1 medical something.. still a long way to go, so, I was sent home.. I was kinda sleepy from the Noche Buena so I rested.. I remember waking up 9am cos of some tummy ache but didn't paid much attention to it cos I was still sleepy..I slept some more.. (Shoot.. this is really uncomfortable.. The stitches are aching..)

I woke up 10am.. I felt like I need to pee.. Just right there.. Just when I was about to get up.. (I had to roll over cos my belly is on the way.. hehe..) my water broke.. Everyone kinda panicked.. I didn't.. I got worried a bit cos I heard I was supposed to feel something painful shortly after that water-breaking thing.. Hmm.. Anyway.. So we're back on the hospital, right? 2 medical something.. I was lying there until 3 pm, waiting for something to happen.. Nothing.. So.. They had to induce me.. They injected a couple of stuff in me which by the way was kinda.. Goodness.. I can't stop talking but this stitches.. Ouch really..

Started this blog last evening.. It' already 11:25 of December 30.. Can't move around.. It's either I'm standing up or lying helplessly in bed.. Currently on my side.. like that of a mermaid.. I'm typing without looking at the monitornor the keyboard cos I'm feeling a bit dizzy.. (talented..hoo-hooh!) Oops.. Hang on a sec.. My shoulders are really hurting too.. Gotta rest.. Gota lota tell yah.. Be right back..

And there I go.. it's already 14:43.. Had my lunch and found a good sitting position.. Anyway..where was I? Hmm..

Oh, right.. The nurses and doctors were all so sweet and all but they weren't ready for us.. They thought I'd be having the delivery by 9pm.. Haha.. Was kinda tellin them in the nicest possible way.. LALABAS NA SHA.. DOC PLEASE.. they said.. hold it. breathe through your mouth.. Don't bite your lips.. Do this.. And that.. And oh God.. I was literally disoriented and I couldn't describe the feeling when I was in intense pain and was being reprimanded to control them! H*ll F*ck!! I screamed NATATAE NA KO and what magic word would make them push the bed so fast towards the delivery room.. Saw them running around like crazy people.. I literally felt like pooping.. I pushed once and then asked..

"Is the baby out na doc?
"Uhuh.. Hanggang shoulders"

I pushed the second time.. Walang sabi sabi.. Haha.. Didn't even thought about the doctor catching it whatsoever..
Then.. I heard her.. She cried for the first time.. Saw them took her to the table nearby.. Para kong nag aabang kung sinong artista yung gaganap sa pelikula.. Suspense.. Excited.. Anxiously waiting.. And I couldn't really help it cos I was so weak.. My eyes they slowly shut.. But then, I felt something on my chest.. When I opened my eyes.. I saw another pair looking at mine.. Nakita ko sha.. Her pretty little eyes.. They seemingly were asking..

"Are you okay momie?"

I remember her face.. Eto yun oh.. Sa baby ko.. She's sleeping right now.. God it was really amazing.. I would gladly relive that over and over again.. I don't care about the pain.. I love her so much..

It's really ironic, cos last Christmas.. I was actually asking for someone in particular.. Just now, I remember how I felt then.. It was really painful.. The need to be loved.. the attention.. the constant bugging-me moments that only one person whom I thought could give me all those.. Wasn't given to me.. To add insult to injury.. The person was given to someone else.. This year, I thought He would give me two.. I was really confused.. I asked for a sign for I may be mistaken.. I said to myself.. If my baby would be born on this specific day.. Then I won't be afraid to make my move.. I won't be afraid to be rejected.. I won't be afraid to fight for that person.. I won't be afraid to look stupid.. I won't have any fears at all.. I'll do everything to win em back.. Whatever it takes.. But I guess, God says otherwise.. He gave something else entirely different.. A gift I will forever be thankful for.. I have her in my arms a while ago.. Now she's downstairs..

Teka.. She's here.. They brought her back up.. hehe..

Breakdown

I'm scared.
So terrified.. I think I'm gonna lose it.
I don't wanna lose it.
I wasn't supposed to do this alone..
Was I supposed to?
Tell me it's all gona be okay..
I'm so scared..
I don't want to blame anyone..
I should know what to do..
But I don't..
Yet

God I'm scared..
Really.. I am..

Besy's Birthday

Great Morning.

Went to my bestfriend's birthday party last night and saw everyone again..well..almost everyone..there are a few missing in action..but nonetheless..it was great. I missed them so much..but on top of it..I missed myself. That wasn't me on the party. I sat there as a stranger to myself. I din't know how to act around them. I didn't know how to talk about myself. I was literally blocked. I'm not always like that. I couldn't even look people in the eye. I don't know how to answer questions. I'm stupid. Haha! They asked me a lot of questions that I don't have any answers to. Or questions that would lead to tears. Haha..I think they noticed. Cos they keep coming to me and kept asking me..How I was or how things are going on.. But I was too pretty for them.. Hehe.. I could easily distract them with my fake smiles and my
"eto..okay naman.. masayang masaya.. ikaw kamusta ka na.. Kamusta si ano.."
You know how people wants to talk about themselves..You just have to know how to give it to them. Afterwards, I'll get the BESTEST compliments..
"Ikaw ang pinaka magandang buntis na nakita ko.."
"Hindi ka tumaba noooh..grabe.."
and here's the kicker..
"Ang swerte nman ng ASAWA mo!"
ngiting aso ang takteng to! Shoot me! Haha!

Food was great though.. Happy Birthday Besy.. Yun lang po muna.. =)

There's nowhere to run to

Everywhere I go, there's always complications. I don't want to ask, cos I know I won't get any answers. People won't even leave me alone to let me cry even for a second. They'd ask why. They'd reprimand me from doing so. We're just freakin tired. I can't hide. I can't even release my stress. Why do you have to ask. You can't help me anyway. Why won't you jerks just leave me alone!?

Everywhere I turn to.. Nothing seems to fit. I can't breathe.. I don't want to ask.. I just want to be okay. I'm not even asking to have everything perfect.. I just want to be okay.. Cos I'm not..

God.. It may seem like I'm staying away from You.. I just feel like I can't handle your tests right now.. I'm sorry.. I just don't have the patience to fight it all off.. I'm really sorry.. I just want to be happy before she comes out.. But I just can't seem to be.. I don't know why.. No matter how hard I push myself.. I just can't.. And she's taking everything.. I'm so weak.. I've never been this helpless before.. I hope she's okay..

I'm finding ways to distract myself, really.. Every little thing seems to hurt me.. Every little detail seems to be so big a deal.. I'm not always like this.. I can't seem to do anything.. I can't talk to anyone.. Cos all the things I usually talk about seems to make no sense at all.. Even to myself.. It's funny.. But.. What's wrong with me..

I don't understand myself.. Am I dying or something..
God don't let me go yet.. I have so much more to do.. I haven't even figured out my purpose.. I haven't even touched lives.. I know cos people haven't been very grateful lately.. That's why I know I'm still useless.. I can't die yet.. I haven't' done anything grand yet.. All I do is cry and cry and cry.. I'm so pathetic.. I'm a pathetic pregnant person.. I chose to be alone.. No one understands.. Or at least.. None of them who I wish would understand me, nderstands me..

What kind of journey did I embark myself on? Maybe it's all my fault. God.. What do You want me to do? What are You trying to tell me? I don't understand. I'm off track.. I'm not sure anymore.. Am I supposed to be this way, cos I think I did tried to embrace all the pain and confusion and foulness that's been happening to me.. It still didn't worked out.. I don't know.. God I'm so clueless.. I don't know anything.. I know I'm not supposed to know everything.. But.. What's happening.. I don't have any control..

Can you sense all the pain and confusion along with it?
I don't know what to do..

Searching for guidance.. Help me Lord..

aNn dOeSn'T knOw wHat tO dO wIth hErSeLf

..nOw, sHe kNoWs nA..
LeArN LeVeL oNe-dIrtY dAncIn.. c",)

c",)

w/oL d tEaRs & d sHow.. sHe tOok a bOw aNd adMitEd sHe's oFf d waLL..
sHe fOunD hEr fEeT sTifLy rOoTed tO the fLooR
aLonE.. cHiLLinG aNd aBouT tO fAdE..
siLenCe cLoaKed tHe aIr as thIs chiSeLed aNd wEaKenIng fAcaDe sAiD iT aLL..
"nO u'rE nOt.. u'rE bReAthTakinG, fRaGiLe aNd sUbLime.."
sHe wAs stUnNed aNd bAfFlEd.. pArsIng thrOugh tHe uNfInisHed LinE..
hEr hEaRt bEaTinG w/aN uNcOnTroLabLe rUsh..
He LooKed dEeP iNto hEr eYes aS shE lOoKed bAck iNTo hIs tOO..
hE gRabed hEr nApe..
heLd heR by hEr wAist..
kIssEd hEr pAsSionAteLy aNd sAid..

..sAkiN na LanG kAyo..

sHe sMiLed aT hIm..
bIT hEr LiPs aFtErwArds

nOthiNg bEaTs tHe siGh oF cOnTenTmeNt

..haaaaaaayyy... =)

♥♥♥

Thank God for dreams and fantasies

Things my mind is putting out lately.. (huh??)
My thoughts for today..
Love humbles the most mulish of hearts..
Dreams makes someone live..
Pain teaches lessons, but I haven't quite learned them yet.. Let me hurt myself then. Bad teacher!!! c",)
If I can't have you.. I'll find me a guy like you someday..

I don't know what I've been doing.. or saying.. hehe.. I'm drunk from staying up all day..
What's wrong with me..

These things in my mind.. I kinda like them.. What are they anyway? I don't know.. I'm not sure.. I want you.. Every time I wake up, I'm hoping I could see you beside me.. I want to kiss you all over.. Hug you real tight.. I'm floating.. Its weird.. Who?? What?? I think I've lost it..
When you asked me if I wanted to be with you.. I wanted to say yes.. Ow shoot.. Why didn't I? Or did I?? I want you close.. I want you where I can see you all the time.. Yhaks!! What's wrong with me..

Its nice to feel this way.. I like me just this way.. Wanting things that isn't there.. Until they just fade away.. Nothing complicated.. Dream about stuff that isn't real.. No false hopes.. No fake promises.. No pain.. Aww.. I see.. This is how they define a dreamer.. Contented with just living in a fantasy world.. where everything is wonderful.. Who needs reality??! I don't need anything else.. Just my dreams and me.. all set for the day.. shallow you might think.. I am.. makes me happy.. U can all come with me.. Sleep beside me.. Let's dream together.. hehe.. I'm really drunk from lack of sleep.. Nasabi ko na ata to.. haha.. Nasabi ko bang I'm preggy?

sleep muna.. I'll post something sensible when I get back to my senses.. But then again.. why would I wanna do that.. I like me just this way.. day dreaming.. away from the foulness of whoever they claim they are..
teka.. teka.. ayan antok na talaga ko.. yehey..
Thank God inantok din..
05:42pm

Sing muna ko..

You know that I want you babe
You know that I need you
You know that I love you
Just say it

Am I giving enough
Is this it all that should be
When water gets rough
Will you still swim with me
So afraid to come close and maybe too slow
And maybe too much for you to consume

And I wanna know if I could live inside you're world
And I wanna know if I could give it to you boy
*You know that I wanna say it
you know that I need to say it
You know that I love to say it
Our love just goes on and on and on*

owshoot 06:27 na.. sorry baby..
sleep na po tayo..

i'm starting to lose it

"Just when I thought I wouldn't give in.. Just when I thought I had it all under control.. Just when I thought I am invincible.. I met you.. My sweetest downfall.." -Roan

Smiling stupidly right now. Shaking my head and showing my being a sport.. Even if I don't have anything in my hands.. Hands up to life! What can I do? I lost against it na naman. Shows that I have no control over destiny.. which by the way.. I thought I do.. Emotions.. Other people's twisted opinions.. F*ckin LoVe! These are sick unconquerable dimensions that I shouldn't even dream of invading.. better yet.. dare of exploring.. Cos I'm weak.. Defenseless.. My weapons are no match for the ghastly beast always ready to ravage my sanity. Haha! Come to think of it.. What weapons do I have? Smiling cos I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. San na ba ako when I was gnarling over my ex? I was better off with that kind of misery eh. Hehe.. Sorry kid.. Di ko talaga balak madamay ka. Funny.. I'm about to use "IF ONLY", but why pa? What for.. shaking head out of defeat and confusion.. couldn't think.. Don't know what to say.. Shoot.. I'm lost.. Lost my spontaneity.. I know though that I'm confused.. and that I don't know where the pieces are.. Where to pick them up.. I'm out.. God.. Where am I.. I don't know what's happening.. Where to now.. Where to start? What's there to think about.. How do I deal with out.. I don't know.. What to hope for.. Who and what to believe in.. What I ought to do from where.. Where to start.. What am I dealing with.. What do we have here.. Whtat I need to understand.. I'd take anything from anyone I guess..

Questions.. Questions..

Oh Lord.. I don't even know what to ask..

LoVe tHis sOng

wHispeRs

dRowniNg fRom aLL theSe rAin.. cOuLdn'T eVen fiNish a decEnt bLog pOst.. gRasPin fOr a cLeaR bReaTh oF fResH aiR.. LonGin fOr tHe sUn's wArm tOuch..

aNgeL, fOrgIve me.. i'M sOrrY.. i dIdn't meAn tO drAg yOu iNto my piTiful fOrTune.. i dIdn'T meAn tO maKe yOu as heLplEss as yOu aRe riGht now tOo.. i Try eVerYdAy tO pUt oN a sMiLe fOr yOu.. bUt mY muScLes aRe tOo nUmb tO eVen coNtroL thE tEarS frOm faLLin dOwn mY chEEks.. i'M toO wEaK fOr aLL tHese.. sEe.. mOmmY jUst gOt fIxEd.. aNd i'M sTiLL tRyIn to gEt oUt of a cUrRenT peRil.. i'm tRying tO shOw mY stRength.. bUt it's dEsTroYing mY sAniTy eVen quIckEr.. pLeaSe knOw thoUgh.. tHat yoUr evEry heArtBeat cOuntS.. bE sTronG bAby.. dOn't Let gO tOo.. i cOuLdn't tAke aNotHer hEarTbReAk.. i'm sCaRed.. iT's tOo coLd.. mY fEarS.. iT's suCking tHe LifE oUt oF uS.. buT I kNow.. afTer aLL thEse stRugleS.. we'LL be aBle tO keEp eAch oTheR waRm.. i'LL pRotEcT yOu uNtiL mY veRy laSt brEath.. yOu'LL bE pRoud oF me.. aNd yOu'LL bE mY eVery haPpiNess.. sTaY wiTh me.. i'LL mAke iT aLL uP tO yoU.. i kNow i wiLL.. sOoN.. sOmEdaY.. yOu'LL sEe..

yOuRe mY pUrpOse.. aNd i LoVe yOu..

Speaking Ann's mind

"The amount someone spends talking about themselves is inveresely proportional to how interesting they are"

-i'm not that interesting.. believe me.. i know.. i heard myself speak.. hehe-

I've tolerated a lot of listening in my life.. from other people's whining and complaining.. Their life's stories.. I have heard people do funny commentaries about anything.. how others would just blurt out wise choices of words.. and for some.. how they tend to make a fool out of themselves. But apart from all the listening.. I also love to talk. Sure there are times when I just like to pipe it down and listen. But most of the time.. especially when I'm comfortable with the person I am with.. I just couldn't help but share.

Ever felt talking non-stop for hours and hours a day? Unnoticing how time flies and all you could wish for is that the person you are talking to remembers every word you said so just to remind you of what you were talking about? My brain activity becomes so busy I just could not contain and process them anymore.. I feel like I need to share everything cos I find them really valuable and thought maybe, it may be useful to the receiving end.. hehe.. Sometimes though, there are a lot of disadvantages when it comes to talking.. specially when it becomes unstoppable.. and as how, I and I'm sure, a lot would claim.. it is referred to as only Speaking the mind. I speak my mind a lot.. I can't help it really. It's all about hoping you'll be understood, cos you know for a fact, that you actually don't understand yourself really. And hope people gets it and have them give you that comforting feeling, that, intense agreeing nod.. has to offer.. Haay..

A secret, thought I'd share too.. I'm not the best public speaker in the world. In fact, I'm terrified of speaking in front of a large crowd. Eeew.. Yhuks.. Shoot me instead.. No, not today though.. Don't hurt me just yet.. until maybe five or six months from now perhaps.. =)

Anyway, I mean, I know, that I can answer almost every question that you could possibly throw at me.. I'm not saying they're all-so-right.. It's just that, I share a lot of my own point of views about life.. to almost everyone, as amiable as me.. I just couldn't do it in front of a large number of peepers. Can't stand the thought of being watched and have people hear what I have to say AT THE SAME TIME?! haaahhh.. Ruuuunnnn!!! hu-hu.. Himatay-himatayan.. A group of wide-eyed children though.. May be acceptable.. That's why I wanted to be a pre-school teacher.. hehe.. It would be easier for them to understand me.. the little ones? Honestly.. I feel that way.

Best thing about voicing out one's opinion though, is that you tend to hear yourself and the words that you utter. You find out later on, that what you just said is either really really smart and originally good.. or.. insanely stupid and really really out of line. Either way, it's not at all that bad too.. cos one tends to realize a lot afterwards.. and then, can either do something about it, or just hope it wouldn't be recognized or noticed by the people whom you were blurting them out to previously also hoping they are really stupider than you (what kind of word is stupider?) see what I'm talking about?

Talking, for me, it's like learning at the same time. I learn from the things I say and understand myself on the process too.. Picking out things, I ought to change with myself, having those kind of perceptions in life. Thinking about it, just now.. The way you think is the meter for one's maturity.. It is, isn't it? I call it the machurimeter (baduy.. nu ba yan.. haha! Yhuks! Patawa! Kadeers..)

Another point I'd like to get out is that, we are all entitled to our own opinions. I don't like people condemning me based on things I say, cos if things I say does not concur to whatever it is they are having with their own twisted minds, it wouldn't matter anyway.. Cos I know that I will realize my own flaws (if there are any) in my own sense of time.. and with my own willingness to surrender.. I will.. but until then.. Back off!! and shut your system issues down! hehe.. Peace!

Like recently, my immaturity got the best of me. It's not like me.. That's one woo-hoo part of me that often pops out when a not so convincing party is involved. Gotta push me to your mightiest.. I'm one tough baby to please.. and phoneys don't have anything else on me but to just.. give up.. Losers! Don't you just hate quitters? Bleh!!

Sorry.. maybe it's just me.. hmm.. To my excuse though, it was kind of.. a big part of my proclaimed TRAUMA from a previous relationship I endured from a person with views, not so compatible with mine. I tend to say a lot of things that I don't really mean.. Well, maybe I meant to say them.. But I did not intend to mean them. They just sort of.. came out? cos I was thinking them at that moment.. Sorry po.. And you see.. I know which ones I meant to say.. often.. it doesn't come out right.. (kainaman naman) .. and for other things.. even though I haven't said them yet.. you know.. just thinking about them.. I sometimes don't intend to think about them.. They just pop up my mind.. hehe.. Things that I meant though.. it comes from right here.. (see me emoting.. thumping my chest.. y' know? where the heart is??).. and sometimes.. even the ones from the heart.. confuses me.. So, nobody could really tell.. they just judge.. that's it.. (gulo ba? i know you know what I mean)

I always seem to forget too, being forgetful and all, one needs not utter a word or make sudden decisions when one is mad. I always forget that.. hmph! Especially for someone like me who knows a lot about pain. I should know better than to release unfriendly and hurtful statements to others.. statement such as.. basta..

I'm sorry po.. to all the people whom I have hurt from speaking my mind.. or even from having this kind of thinking..

That's why I label myself as both a pessimist and an idealist..

And for those who continuously offend others with their non-stop, nerve-wreckin, gut-busting mind-boggling, foul-spoken, self-esteem crushing words.. Huist.. Parang.. Enough na.. Cos parang.. Anu ba.. Tama na muna.. Sorry na po yung next line diba??.. (hehe..).

Anyway..

Kaya nga most often than not, I tend to make sure that my actions could somehow differ from my way of speaking. Kasi not everything one says would always match up to one's actions.. In short.. Talagang.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.. Maybe that's why I tend to disregard most of what I'm voicing out.. Kasi.. I'm more of an action figure eh.. (ah-huh?? anu dao?!) Not that I don't care.. I do care.. a lot too.. And.. Kase.. Basta.. Sorry na nga eh.. Eh ako nga eh.. a lot hurt me with their unnecessary commentaries and their very disrespectful actiens eh.. all I could tell them is.. Bless you! Ako naman eh ke saktan mo physically or verbally.. La ko magawa about that.. Ang ganda ko kaya.. pumangit man ako.. I was at least at one point pretty and loved by many.. (i can even say.. a-lot-a times) and with what I'm expecting months from now.. I should be all set. Need I have anything more? Mag-sawa sila kaka pikon sakin with their foul ways.. Ang ganda ko kase.. Bwahaha! Uiiy.. napipikon.. Kei lang yan.. Kaya mu yan..

Hoist batang isip.. Chupi! Alis ka muna!

Ehem! Back to maturity..

With all the things I have said.. hoping I'd learn from them.. I still don't understand everything. But why should I be worried.. Who does anyway? People with no further things to say and has no further explanation to give out.. just inhales.. and exhales.. and utters..

"That's life.." =)

Guess what..

I'm living it anyway.

I'm sorry Lord

Dear Lord God,

I love you.

There are countless ways that you have revealed your love for me. I know you will never stop blessing me until the end of my physical life. I know that you are and will keep blessing my family , loved ones, my friends and the little one..

Forgive me Lord for the negativity that I have been giving out. I'm sorry for feeling a lot of anger and hatred. I'm sorry for writing them down. I know I can not justify these things to You. I just want to let it all out before it bulge up into something bigger and with it, I may do something I might regret later on. I'm sorry dear Lord. On the other hand, I'm proud of myself because I've been able to replace these feelings of hatred, with love and happiness..effortlessly. I know that I am not about to stoop down to their pitiful levels. I hope that those people who are intentionally trying to hurt us, realize their flaws without having to read my blogs. May they feel sorry for themselves and start living virtuously. They are very bitter and jealous. I don't want to be around anywhere near them. I hope positive and nice people would not have to be with people like them. I pray Lord, that these ill-mannered people may learn the value of respect and decency.

You have created the perfect world for us to live in. This planet does not deserve all of our negativity and foulness. Forgive us Lord. We're sorry.

Serendipity: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely

My tatay and lolo were rearranging stuff around the house earlier. They were arguing and they were a bit loud.. I couldn't care about what they were doing. I was singing Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore to to the highest of my might.. pa-kunot noo.. and special effect with the hands pa.. But then.. I paused for a while cos the noise suddenly stopped and all I could hear was my voice. I glanced at the oldies and they were looking at separate directions.. I stared at them.. and then.. they giggled uncontrollably. Mga maldita.. They were watchin me pala..

Recently I wasn't doing much. I was hangin out nowhere near this world. I seemed to be in another dimension contemplating on matters of the unknown. I seemed to be drawn to the fact that the world is a place filled with uncontainable facts and hoaxes, truth and lies, surrealism and harmful reality.. Plus a lot more deep words I really could not understand and define. Hehe..

Let me tell you what I was thinking about lately.

I was a girl brought up by the perfect parents. They spoiled me and gave me all the happiness I could think of.. That is why I never craved for anything materialistic in this world. I had it all when I was under their care. When ever I got hurt or wounded, they would take away the pain and they would cure those wounds. It's like magic. They loved me and I was one of the most contented baby living right on that lifetime. I could honestly hear people comment my parents for bringing us up righteously. I'm proud of myself really.. and that's all because of them. I was a happy little princess. I was a blessed kid. Good job parents.

My parents.. they were over protective though. Wouldn't let me play on the streets. They would buy me pretty little toys and would always ask me to share them with my sisters but wont let me take them outside. I wanted to play with other kids and share my toys with them. Wouldn't let me chose my own friends. I had the hunger to go out of the walls. I was so curious. I trusted there were others like me (haha, Tarzan)

Now I'm all grown up.. 26 to be exact. Yhuks!.. I went out of the wall and into a new playground. A lot of weird things has changed since then. I don't understand why. People are mean and people screw other people over. I didn't see these things when I was younger. My parents gave me some clue, but they never actually blunted it out to me. They never showed us vileness, deceit nor disrespect. How I wish they did though.. With all the cruelty I was seeing, I finally knew and understand why they were protective of me when I was little.. I might get hit by a vehicle or something.. Other kids might not play nicely and hurt me. Other kids might break or take my toys away from me. I didn't knew that.. If I understood then, I probably would have known what to do now.. The world has introduced itself to me.

World: "Welcome Ann, meet me.. I'm cruel, selfish, vain and I will hurt you whenever I get the chance!"
Roan: "Nice to meet you world!"

And all the pain started crawling in. They first started out slowly.. And they quickly ravished the sanity in me. I wasn't used to all those torture. I know nothing only but to cry. A bit out of the head and crazy when I'm in pain. I get clueless when I'm hurt. I was a baby once again. Only.. my Mommy and Tatay couldn't help me. I obtained all kind of scars and wounds when I got off from that wall. And I have learned to live with them.. I miss home.. I miss my daily cartoons.. I miss being happy.. And best of all.. I miss my sanity..

You trust people.. Love them even.. But they destroy you and grind your heart into pieces.. Accidentally or with intent. Why? Why can't I bring HOME outside? Why can't everyone be like my Mommy and Tatay towards everybody? I'm such a baby. People hurt me all the time. Maybe that's why I had it all when I was young.. I was destined to give up my happiness for others someday.. (took place a couple of times already).. You know what I was proud of? When I got hurt last year.. I got on track. I was cautious.. I know then what do. I said to myself.. I wont let people hurt me again. I will just be happy.

No expectations. No foulness. No negativity. No promises. No lies. No games.

Wouldn't it be nice if we would always be happy. The last time I remembered I was really happy was when I was in high school.. Listed them down.. Smile.. They're really good..

Christmas: opening presents.. Barbies, Dollhouse, Shoes, A new dress
Birthdays: more presents.. Ice cream, Cakes, Balloons and Sweets
First day of school: shopping for new school shoes, bag, lunch box, pencil case, crayons, colorful notebooks
Rainy days: Class suspended.. Uwian na! Madaming tulog.. haay.. hot soup.. noodles..
Last day of school: Summer vacation and swimming lessons
Girl Scout camping: a night out away from home.. on my own.. not actually on my own.. with classmates.. well.. you know what I mean..
Field Trips / Excursions: baon, manila zoo.. excited for a day off from school, friends
First crush na boy: haha! nag away pa kami ng childhood bestfriend ko.. I was, I think.. I don't know.. seven?? haha!
First crush na hmm..: I remember her.. =p
First day of College: on my own at last.. or at least walang school bus.. hehe, met really good friends along the way too..
First REAL job (that I actually liked): Wow.. Unlimited internet access.. Petics lang.. My own income.. (hmm.. wala pala kong naipon)

While other girls my age were busy with make-ups and their crushes and boys.. and girls.. (grin).. Puberty and how their boobs are getting bigger.. I was busy with my daily dosages from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. I don't have the slightest idea of pain and sorrow. Laugh all you want, but I wasn't even wearing brassier until my senior years in high school. Need I explain things to you? Maybe I wore those sports bra.. Baby bras' what they call em.. Anyway.. I was a really naive and a worry-free little kid.. Then, college.. Barkada.. Tambay.. Billiards.. Beer.. Hah! I learned a lot of new things.. Met a lot of people.. good ones and not so good but tolerable people.. A lot of rude and cruel ones too.. Goodness.. quite a lot of Firsts too.. It's all good.. =) Became curious.. a seemingly tamed little girl.. a bit wild on the inside.. Learned to smile my way towards a lot of freebies.. Whew! Worry free still.. Lazy days listening to music.. Bummin around with the bestest friends in the world.. Watched a lot of good movies.. Partyin out and livin the great night life..

Haay.. good old happy days.. =) Wished they didn't had to end.. A lot of bad stuff ruined those happy days.. Perhaps cos I trusted so easily.. No regrets though..
I bet there are more happy thoughts.. Just got to pull them out of my memory box..
One day maybe.. Wait..

Gyeon-Woo: ..

Just recently, after certain struggles and the will to survive..haha.. I felt a familiar kind of happiness.. Haay.. Just when one is being accustomed to every cruelty the world is laying out in front of thee.. (arte!)..Who would've thought there was something like that outside the great wall of the safe-zone.. (huh?!) Some sort of sorcery perhaps.. It felt like the same old magic, had struck my happy endorphins.. I felt at home and completely back to my old wonderful self once again.. Weird huh.. It's all because of Gyeon-Woo.. Hmm.. Lets see.. him.. ah.. yes him.. I was actually happy again when I met him.. Let me tell you about my happiness..

It was just a couple of days just before the year 2008 ended.. the 27th of December..

hehe.. teka.. I'm sleepy na naman.. g'nite muna
To be continued..

Life and Death

After months and months of blogging, I finally noticed how I really could not spell. I noticed that the heading of my blog read.. "a PEAK inside my fascinating mind.." when it should have been "PEEK".. How silly could one possibly be. Things overlooked.. But they are how they are.. One only needs to lift up a finger.. and do something about it or just be a loser and either deal with it..

Let me talk about being a loser. I'm an expert when it comes to loosing. One thing I could win.. It's loosing. I always lose. Beat that! Haha!

My grandmother passed away just this afternoon. We all knew it coming. I thought to myself.. I would not cry. I thought it would be easier for me to accept it. With all the resentment.. With all the indignity my heart, previously, was feeling.. It all changes when physical death arrives. You tend to hurt and accept everything without a fight.. Hope to be forgiven for entertaining such bitter emotions. The magical thing is, after a life lost.. There are new lives that's being created. It could be in a form of anything.. Wealth.. Friendship.. A new soul.. Something to keep the world spinning.. Something to keep the circle of life flowing.. Something to keep our spirits up.

I learned something new today. A news that would be very difficult to break to everyone. I felt tricked. I felt helpless. I couldn't do anything about it. I am confused. I do not know what to do. Things don't always go out according to plan. Bummer. But that is life.. Even though you plan ahead.. You look at every detail and hope.. It all works out.. But with all the unexpected things that's happening around us. We could only be sure.. that there is a greater force, working out there.. When things are out of our hands. We either embrace them or go the other way around.. Either be happy dealing with them or be repugnant about it. For now.. I'm clueless..

Flash Fact (and a couple of disclaimers)

"I felt good when I ate shrimp this morning. It relieved my stress. It made me happy. What seems to be so little to others could be a great deal for you even when you least expect them. I hope there are more shrimp out there for me to eat. I really want to be happy.." -a phrase I took out from my unpublished post I've been drafting in my blog.

All the single ladies!! Put yer hands up!
Spot me on the edge waving two.. haha..

A friend and I were textin some time ago and we were both talking about how we are over the top so single.. and sharing all the advantages and a lot more stuff that single people do and say to make themselves feel better about their singleness, when they know for a fact it isn't that much cool.. and they dream of their ideal person all night long, hugging the pillow wishing dumating na daw.. may pa sana-sana pa.. may pa tear-tear pa ang mga mata.. nag pe-pray pa hanggang makatulog na sila.. haha!! yuhks!!

Haha! Sakit ng tyan ko kakatawa mag isa.. haay.. Sarap kausap sarili ko noh? I enjoy myself really.. Hehe.. Pero.. Sorry naman.. hindi naman po ako ganon.. Nai-imagine ko lang.. I have other means naman eh.. of making myself happy.. hmm..

I'm thankful though, that even if I don't have someone to call my own.. I have my friends. I can have one in an instant, cos I make it a point that my intentions are sincere and real. My siblings are great.. We've been getting a lot of bonding.. Even at the dinner table, we talk about everything we can think of.

Plus there are fellas who wish they could own me.. Ayoko pa talaga eh.. Eto sila.. Check em out.. (you know it's the other way around.. hehe..)

Here are the guys that I often fantasize about..

Grabeh! Ang hirap naman neto.. Sobrah.. Grabe naman talaga.. Hooh!! Break me off a piece from each.. Raaarrr!! Do I have great taste or what?!!

Check out the eyes..!! Mapapa.. ummph! ka talaga! Sh*t!

Oh.. great..

What's happening to me. Have I quit? Have I already enjoyed my singlehood? Am I done? What a quick one. Am I looking for the one? No f-ing way! Yuhks.. Bleh!

Admitted: Confused and quite hungry for guys as such.. Grabeh nman talaga.. whew.. Isa pa.. Aaaahh!!

Compiled a couple of pro's and con's just to help me out.. It's all good.. Be the judge

Single (yey!)

• I can do whatever I like!I can go out and tease as much as my heart desires, without the strange package called complications brought about by such emotional endeavour.
• Not having to deal with and keep trying to figure out what's in his/her mind.
• I don't have to text or call anyone about my whereabouts worried he/she may get mad at me.
• If I would get bitter, sad and seemingly helpless about what the world seems to be doing at me.. I no longer have to worry about wheather the he/she would stop and notice and hope I would be comforted without imposing.
• Would be able to get free drinks at bars.. without spending a cent.. you know how it goes.. just like old times.
• I can have MALE friends without having to be defensive.. ending up convincing him/her there is really nothing else going on.
• No more harsh languages and foul words that one tends to tolerate everyday.
• I can buy gifts for my family and friends and meeh.. most especially.
• No one to put me on a tiny pedestal knowing that I could fall off of at any second
• No more complains about being taken for granted.
• No worying.. Troubled.. Bothered by the fact that he/she is still not home! Or what the heck is happening to him/her.. is he/she in trouble?? Is he/she safe?? haaahh!! None of those!
• No more sadness or crying when the person needs to go home.. boo-hoo.. muwi ka kung gusto mo!!
• I'm free at parties or bars to talk to anyone.. whom I please to and choose to.. not having to to turn away and pretend that I don't appreciate good looks.
• No more headaches from thinking about what gift to buy for a surprise.. when I, don't even like surprises.
• No more checking to see if it's okay' to accept or decline an invitation. You can say "sige, tara!" on the spot.
• I can be happy with who I am and not who he/she wants me to be.
• No more lies and cheating and promises meant to be broken.
• You can eat garlic or onions without a second thought about some lip locking and a lot of tounge action.
• Computer games and the remote control is mine.. ALL MINE!
• If I clean up my room, it will stay that way until I mess it up again.
• Not to worry if he/she will or won't call or text.
• No more arguments, headaches and fighting about things none could explain.
• No more reassuring "Am I the only one?"
• No more jealousy and insecurities!

Inlove and Taken (eew.. sige na nga)

• Ah.. the loneliness. No more loneliness during rainy days, out of towns and valentines day.
• No more being out of place when all your not-so single friends take a couples night out.
• The ecstatic feeling of welcoming and farewell hugs and kisses.. haay.. (fweh!)
• Have someone claimed to be loved.. hold yer hands and touch yer face.. wohoo!! (eew..)
• Having someone to agree with me all the time.. nice diba..
• Think about the warmth of the physical presence brought about by someone who cares deeply for you and at the same time you care deeply about too.. hmm
• The thrill of coming home and running over the phone staring at it while asking everyone if it already rang or did he/she already called.
• You'll be able to brag over single friends that you've finally found The One and that you are so much loved.. having them irritated with how you consistently share how happy and in love you are with each other.. haha!
• No more sinking feeling when you're lost and you don't know where you are. You can be lost anywhere with that person.
• When unwelcome guests comes in to the picture..(crawling things) One could always have him/her remove them or shu them away from you..
• I could always pick a good shoulder bag that would match his/her outfit.. hehe.. Since they always want to carry things for you..
• Someone to show off cooking skills learned from the heart that wishes to win the other through his/her stomach.
• Good arguments and informative debates and yet..the love and respect never fades.
• One would always have someone who'd take care of you when sick or nag baby-babyhan..
• It's always nice having people praise how you look at each other and how everyone sees the chemistry between the the two of you too..
• Having someone kiss your feet.. arms.. kili-kili and places no other is allowed to go to..
• Appear! Having someone with the same outlook in life as yours.. having him/her say the same thing.
• Quality time and a lot of good talks.. Unlimited flirting and teasing..
• Have someone fight for you when some other disrespects you..
• Not minding the scars endured from a past not too healthy to even think about, because you have someone who clearly sees you as perfection..
• The anticipation of doing it.. where ever you wish to..

There are a lot people I have spoken with regarding the best things being single could bring about to their lives.. They told me they would want to stay that way forever.. What a load of hypocritical cr*p. I know some people actually enjoy being single.. At the moment.. But would it be like that forever? I don't know, really. Sure.. Eventually, you will have this chilling coldness within your whole spirit and your spine and you would just wish..you have someone who loves you to the core. It's okay to enjoy being single when you're young, but when a single person reaches a certain age. They get scared and terrified about the fact that they will grow old alone. The tendency is for them to make a diversion or a distraction that would make them believe that being single is actually better than being in a relationship.

Fact: Everybody needs somebody. It's not about who.. It's all a matter of when.. When the heart may be ready, anyone who is around you could be the one.. The other just needs to find the perfect place.. and the perfect time.. And let the chips fall where they may..

...

I needn't know everything. I needn't have to be excellent on many field, I understand that I should be good enough though.

I have to learn how to use punctuations. I have to learn how to consolidate everything I am seeing right now. I'm helpless. I don't want to fight back. My little red blood pumpin organ may not be able to handle another ache some time soon.

Pain is a sign of life. Good Lord.. I am so0o0o unbelievably alive then? haha.. Nah.. It's not that painful.. It's kinda aching though.. Huwhaat??!! no0oh!! Pain? yah.. let it hit me.. Too much of it could kill you though.. Could be true for those who is scared of dying. Yeah, I could die later. Just want to enjoy everything while it lasts.. While it's here.. Hurt me! Hurt me real good!!

I'm being too irrational. I don't know what I'm doing to myself. Really. Come to think of it.. Have I ever been sure?? haha..

Heavy hearted.. Couldn't talk.. Oops.. What's that? Fell right out from my eyes.. haha..

Hate rainy days? How could I.. Been getting the hang of it lately, wasn't I?

It's quite a f*cked up world.. You end up getting a dose of your own medicine.. Quite a lot of it in return.. Sooo knowingly try to enjoy but at the same time resist.. Too much of every f*ckin pill kills.. When you think you know everything.. You come up with the most stupid decisions in the world.. You think about the most shallow excuses and try to put profound logic on the statements..

When a prey is hunted.. does it run right through the bullet from a gun shot by the hunter?

Does it crawl up the predator's mouth and smile stupidly until it notice its death?

It doesn't..

Shouldn't I.. f*cking tell myself that I need to stop getting carried away by blissful situations for such emotional turmoil.. huhu.. is and would always be a hazard to my pathetic little self.

What's wrong with me.. PMS? haha! You think?! I really hope it's just that.. And I do hope it is! Wohooh..

Crazy!

Girl, you're messed up! Everybody lies.. Haven't you learned so far? They don't care.. It's easier for them to tell you stuff that ain't true! They'll eventually find reason to break you off into crumbs that you, yourself, wouldn't lick off the floor. F*cking PMS.. I really hope it's just that.. haha!

Help..

I have to be strong.. I can't.. I wont.. haha.. I sure don't

Just when you thought you don't..

You end up realizing you do..

Then you do whatever it is that you can, to prove it ain't..

And it is shoved up to your face realizing it is..

You try to hate..

But turns out.. You can't..

And you won't..

Will I?

Am I?

Here we go again..

You win..

Rated PG

I feel like writing today. I have a lot in mind I want to talk about. But then, what am I doing.. my mouth goes.. blah.. blah.. blah.. but my mind says something else.. hmm..

I went home early today. My everyday itinerary shows otherwise. See, what happens is I get so accustomed to a particular habit and whenever I get very comfortable, I find it hard to change them.. I'm not saying it's impossible.. i did said it's hard.. Everyday I set my clock to 19:00 hours.. the tone of the alarm is from Beyonce's - Single Ladies.. I have gotten immune to the sound though.. so I miss the alarm everyday.. I wake up to the beat of my very carefree heart.. rushing my fat b*tt down the stairs.. dragging my still sleepy head into the bathroom and a lot hesitant to pour the water on my still warm body.. (yahks.. ang ginaw eh).. I then quickly grab anything I could find from the closet and throw on the bed those that I couldn't find comfortable to wear. If there's still 30 minutes on the clock, I two blocks from home to take the jeepney for work.. If there's 20 minutes, I could still find time to pick a nice taxi cab down the block and be able to blow dry my hair in the office.. If there's 15 minutes, I run like the wind and grab the nearest cab.. bring my toothbrush and comb my hair in the cab.. If there's 10 minutes left.. I'm in deep trouble.. Nine hours of work.. less the lates.. less the lunch and breaks.. less the over breaks.. less the avail times.. hay.. how could I do this to my work.. Why was I made this way? Yah.. blame it all on others.. hehe.. Sorry.. Joke lang po.. I know I could change.. I just need to be very.. hmm.. very.. dedicated? hmm.. I know I am.. I try to please people I talk to.. (no fair huh.. that's not even difficult for me).. hmm.. I guess.. I have to push myself further.. Be punctual.. whoever invented such word.. must be enjoying himself seeing me struggle.. troubled with the thought of how I could comply with it.. haha.. I know it's important.. I just have to find ways I could enjoy being early.. as the bird.. whoever said birds aren't late?? hooh! headache!

I was supposed to be watching the original Planet of the Apes, 1968 version. I was really looking forward to rekindling the very first times I remembered I was a flick addict.. haay.. good old days.. good old lazy days.. I miss procrastinating.. I miss hanging out with my good friends doing nothing but think about "hmm.. anu kayang magandang gawin.." haay.. those good old days.. nothing compares to those idle moments.. times when you couldn't give a d*mn about what others are doing.. or thinking.. when people don't talk about you.. cos nobody's around to blab about your whereabouts.. cos everyone is too busy to mind you.. only the parents nags.. and it doesn't matter.. cos they're gonna do it again tomorrow and your ears memorized everything it heard.. you could just compose a song about how they consistently nag you.. the good thing is.. they don't hurt.. as much as gossips.. Anyway.. I really couldn't care. I've had worse than gossips.. These little things couldn't kill me.. I started giving everyone the benefit of the doubt a long time ago anyway.. There are people that I just don't stand a chance with.. Those who are the pretenders.. the ones who trick people.. Those I couldn't really figure out.. to h*ll with them..

Happy place..

Happy thoughts..

Okay...........................

Earlier, I was feeling a bit sick. I didn't feel like going to work. I was a bit floating and a bit troubled about what I have been doing to myself lately. An alter-ego was playing its part with my rarely appreciated self. See.. I've recently had a very exciting getaway lately.. My friend and I went to Puerto Galera the last weekend. I've spent my weekend expanding my knowledge and opening up to a whole new world of escapades. Hmmm.. CJ, is a friend from work.. She's like my best gal friend in the office. Twas fun having her around while I was really drunk and sleepy.. hehe.. I've spent the day with a very special person.. One whom I felt really comfortable with.. someone who's behind me lately.. Someone whom if I couldn't even see.. I thought.. would still be there..

"..would it be wrong to look in the eyes, see them stare.. see right through them.. the little grin.. they rocked my world.. turned me around.."

..sounding a bit sexual am I not? hehe.. totally not sounding.. let's just say.. I'm a new soul.. a bit hardcore and wild on the outside at times.. but still soft in the inside.. sometimes I wonder.. should everything be superficial.. there's more to life than what meets the eye.. but if the eyes makes one feel for the heart.. then.. could the eyes make life beat as how one sees everything.. another shallow thought from someone confused about what the world is throwing at her.

I really couldn't figure out myself right now.. could anyone help me clear things.. I'm so not aware of where I currently am. To sum it all up.. I guess.. everything is reciprocated in a way.. the heart plays it's part.. the eyes does too.. It's all a matter of how the mind balances everything..

Could it be.. hmm.. I wonder..

Gonna rest my eyes a bit.. Let the body talk.. We'll figure this out..

Birthday wish

I am 26.. but I feel so young at heart.. I thank those who sent out their greetings for me.. Those who called.. Those who texted.. Those who posted on my friendster.. Those who tried to reach me.. My family.. My bestest friends.. Friends from work.. People who cares.. (or so I think).. People who were with me no matter what..

Wish.. Wish.. Wish..

Hmm.. Gotta think of something.. Hmm..

Everyone makes wishes.

I, personally, don't believe in wishes.. Lame thoughts to justify idleness and procrastination.. Detaching one's soul from the real world and dragging one's booh-tey in a utopia where things seems to be unreachable.. unattainable. Not saying wishing is bad.. It's just that.. I believe people could make things happen. If there is drive and hunger.. And when I want to make things happen, I don't take cr*ppy stuff from other people anymore.. or things they say.. things they may think of you.. It hinders me from making things REALLY come into occurrence.. for people I'm trying to protect.. and myself as well..

What I'm trying to say is..

One needn't "WISH", but "HOPE".. that things gets better some time soon.

Great difference between them.. Just wanted to make myself clear.. hehe..

My life isn't complicated really. Not asking for any of those.. Thank you.. And could I really even ask for anything more.. No hatred in this heart.. No heavy feelings.. I am happy.. God has truly blessed me.. Didn't He? I'm so happy, could I just die right now.. No.. too soon.. hmm.. perhaps 70 years from now.

Do I really want to die old? I don't think so. I'd gladly die for my family though.. And people worth dying for.. I will chose to die trying to fight for what I love doing.. Life is grand.. My death should be dramatic.. I want to die in a time wherein a very poetic scenario may take place.. and I was the hero of some sort.. or was able to touch thousands of lives.. or even millions.. I want to establish a climactic ending in my very own little fantasy world. An ending wherein I was able to fulfill my destiny.. my grandiosity and my true purpose. Have I lived out my purpose yet? Not that I know of..

Come closer then..
Let me touch your life..
Got a little bit of something for everyone..
A hug perhaps..
It's free..
Just one hug from everybody..
For little ol' me..