The moment passed by

They say one can't have it all. I beg to differ. I had everything I ever needed. I actually didn't had to excerpt any effort getting what I wanted. Come to think of it. I don't desire a lot really. I laugh pretty easily. I find every bit of pleasure from the smallest things. Very much content with what God has been giving me. But lately, I had a weird taste of.. I don't know what it was. I thought it was something real. I thought it was something good. I was floating. It was something I thought I was missing out on. I didn't asked for it. I didn't know what it was until it came. I don't even know why it came on the first place.

It was nice to feel the way I did after being hollow for the past years. It was nice to let go of all the heavy things you've been keeping for a while. It was my strength that kept me going all this time. It was Riane who held me up and all the good things I have. I've been too strong for the longest time and I thought it's nice for someone else to take over the wheel for a change. Especially if it's an offer too hard to resist.

I didn't know why I felt them. It kind of messed me up. Riane growing up added up to the whole stress. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but my baby, she's a hand full. I haven't shared much about her for a while. well, english is her main dialect. She speaks tagalog slangly. A couple of lapses but hey! She's three. She likes Barbie Dolls, doughnuts and Disney Jr. She pulls up tantrums before sleeping. She can be a spoiled little brat but the sweetest of hearts most of the time. She wakes me up in a middle of a slumber just cos she needs milk or maybe cos the iPod is battery low or maybe there's something itchy on her back and have me scratch them. At some point, as she thinks I'm asleep, I'll catch her whisper in my ears "I love you so much Mommy. You're my bestfriend" and then lay down next to me and nap too. I'd sing her lullabies and she'll sing with me. Our favorite's Someone's waiting for you from The Rescuers down under and Halo by Beyonce.

The love that I held in this big chunk of muscle was too much for a child all to take. My friends and family are getting their fair share I believe, even the littlest animals have been gettin preeety much a lotta lovin too. But this kind of love resting in a big space in the corner of my worn out, beaten up, tired and bruised heart isn't something all these people would like to take. It was just there for the longest time.. Waiting for a supposedly right time to work its way out. Then he came around, kinda presented himself.. Oh, this stupid stupid heart, should've stayed in full restraint, but instead, bought the whole damn package. It was jumpin up and down, experiencing all that kind of rush.. pretty much high in its own if you'd put it. I mean, it was just so ripe, it was so ready to fall off the tree. It had to be consumed.

It seemed like he was the perfect guy.. His smell.. His hands.. His presence.. Things that I long for when he's not around. Everything about him was just right.. Couldn't see any flaw. He blabs his way mostly around so many senseless things and yet the sound of his voice was just something you couldn't do without. His eyes. Oh God, I miss his eyes the most. I hate it.

Everyone was messing up with my head. They want so much more from me. They couldn't understand that he was my break from all these. People even used Riane to contain me. I was so busy satisfying my needs for a change and it seemed like I wasn't allowed. He was consuming me at the same time. I was praying to God that night.. Asking Him for a sign. There was no one inside the church. I was asking why it was just me who wanted it. I couldn't see it. I was so blinded by how I felt. I wanted to get away from everyone.. Including him.. Him whom I chose and he who chose to break my heart.

I know where we lost it. It was the time when he saw my weakness.. and that I couldn't really expect much from him. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't tolerate it. He couldn't understand me enough to comfort me right away. He was incapable. We both have different priorities and he has placed me at the end of the line.. Friday, Saturday and finally Sunday night.. until I couldn't wait for him anymore. He maybe got scared and thought that I was cheating. I swear to God I didn't. Maybe he did. He was really mad. He spoke as if he was someone I didn't know. I refuse to believe all that I've witnessed.. But they happened. We both lost ourselves. I was too emotional and he was too impatient. I was shaking and he was just furious. Just the wrong mix and that's it.

My ex's would probably be smirking right now if they find out how I was such a sissy with this one. Oh believe me, I'd slap the b*tch out of him too, had I not been trying hard to be all tamed and nice for a change. Oh, well. I'm still a girl, trying to keep this boy. I probably did something really bad before for me to deserve such nightmare from him. Now, I kinda ask myself.. With all the things that's happened between us, could all of what they've said about him and warned me about, all be true? Oh, God no.. I wasn't that bad. I'm a good person. I treated him well. I cared for my friends. I loved my family. I'm a great Mommy.
I'm a good person, aren't I?
I should just maybe stop asking, cos I might get some more answers. I think all answers should always be nice. They should all be nice.

It's funny how some people find it hilarious when someone falls in love and plummets real hard right on to the concrete ground cos there's no one there to catch em. Or maybe there was someone, it's just that you're already on the ground and he was a little bit too late.
No worries.
I've survived the fall.
I am healing.

He said I'd be stronger after this. On the contrary, I think I'm stronger when loved.. when respected.. These are purposes of life. And when you think you've found it and lost it, it just hurts. Hurts pretty bad. I guess he did a good thing breaking my heart. He saved me in a way. He spared me from all other bad things I could've endured more from him.

Someone told me that heartbreaks are beautiful, because every time it does.. you get closer to the one person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life. Mine's just probably out there doing stuff. Getting busy. he's probably a couple of heartbreaks away, but when I finally meet him, I hope God gives me the strength to rock his world.. cos I'm sure he's gonna rock mine too.