Thinking about you

When ye'r tempted to lose heart cos love hasn't yet found you..
Remember: Your next "Hello!" could lead to "I do." or maybe "Goodbye.." no one really knows actually.. The great thing, about not knowing though, is the joy of every waking day brings you and the passion along with it.. realizing in a timely manner, how everything happens for a reason.. until one day.. one can finally say.. "I did well.."

Inspired and happy, I guess.. I just couldn't help myself from floating.. And did you ever get that feeling when you just want to shout out the name of a person.. real loud and just.. get your b*tt up and run to wherever the person is and just hug em real tight and then kiss the sanity out of each other afterwards.. and I mean like.. Grrrrrr!!!! Raarrrrr!!!! Ughh!! Hahaha!!

I miss em so much.. There's none that I wish for, but all of who and what the person is and has..

Just when you thought you couldn't ask for more,
Someone would come knocking at your door.
Even with all the iron walls fencing your being,
This certain hazard will turn into your liking.
Suddenly hearing yourself hum a different kind of tune
Day dreaming about the crazy month of June
Is there a chance that nothing should go wrong
For I am smiling uncontrollably all day long
Yes, I have been happy too quite a lot of times before,
But all crashed into a pit hauling an uneven score
Amidst all of the pain and betrayal,
One needn't hunger for approval.
For at the end of every day,
Your heart will simply just say..

"Everything feels so good."
*and it does, doesn't it?*

Whenever you take a glance on something that could be
You wonder if it is real or just a silly fantasy
For something so great couldn't possibly exist
And somehow your heart makes it hard to resist.
All the magic unfolding at each and every rhyme
Are all the happiness that couldn't cost a dime.
I am worried and keyed up all at the same time,
Cos something so ecstatic may somehow be a crime.
I can not say it is true love just yet,
Though, being limerent is somehow close to it, I bet.
Luck, if you will look at it and see
It’s all just meant to be, if you’ll ask me
Who would have thought I would get by like this
Anxiously waiting for that next passionate kiss
Blessed, I deem my heart and my whole self
No longer placed on an empty dusty shelf
For a new chapter has begun in my life’s blank pages
So for an untold love story can begin its stages.

Crushed

Hmm.. Bored.. Really dead beaten over boredom..

My tummy has been aching too from indigestion since I've been having so much fun being with this sweet thing who's been feeding me like there's no tomorrow. It was her birthday and I was with her for three days. Amazing. It was like a dream that is happening as things unfold. Thoughtful, kind and selfless, considerate, passionate, a very good specimen who I enjoy kissing and sniffing.. soft spoken, gentle, her hands are warm.. I like holding em.. couldn't sing a tune really but cos she's very easy on the eyes.. I really don't care about anything else.. just looking at her feels like I'm looking at one of God's prime masterpieces.
She was all that I ever wanted.

As much as I don't want to complain though.. I just don't feel so good today. Maybe cos my body of 27 years and 6 months has change. I get tired so easily and I just want to sleep most of the time. I couldn't catch up with fun activities like I used to. When I'm awake, my energy is all focused on my darling baby. Actually, I've gotten so accustomed to being a single mom and I'm not really sure if I want to share my love and attention to any other but my little girl.. and I'm sorry to say that I don't want to share her with any other, but myself. I've learned to let go of every bit of memory that build up false hopes and promises which affected ideals.. and I have learned to embrace all that I have. I've buried the past and I just couldn't handle it if they would come back and haunt me. They just don't matter to me anymore. I wish they would just stay buried. I wish that they would be kind enough to let me enjoy what they have helped me to have become.

Considering all the pressure that I'm being pulled into.. Being surrounded by seemingly great people doesn't interest me at the moment. As much as I appreciate all the wonderful intentions they are offering me, I just don't have anything else to offer at the moment. I know some even asked me for nothing in return but time and the chance to let them love me.. but see, I just couldn't let them. They might fall so hard and I'm not sure if I'd be there to catch them. I'm not perfect and surely I am not all that.. but who am I to say these things right?

How foolish do you think am I? Really.. Am I at fault here?

I'm not selfish.. but somehow, I may be trying to be. When someone not so great like me.. finds peace and comfort with everything that God has provide for me, could you blame me for not desiring anything more. I guess you could say.. this is how contented I am.. Could you really? Tell me..

Sometimes we put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

The other night, I hang out with my friend, but before I went off to see them, I spent a good deal of quality time with a very special someone. Went to church, hang out.. watched a movie.. had dinner at home. It's all good. Kinda felt weird though, cos just before she went home. There was a certain disconnection that I felt between us. I couldn't read the mind and the silence pretty much said a lot. I hated how I felt. It was a familiar feeling. I panicked. I got pretty confused too. I felt that certain need to open up a discussion. It was funny.. makes me wanna laugh about it right now. I didn't, though. I rode along with the silence. It was torture. Too add up to the boggle.. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling.. I don't understand..

To get to where my friend was, it would probably take about 5 minutes to get me there. That is.. if I'd take a cab.. but then.. I've decided to go for a miniature road trip and take the jeepney instead and go for the longer way to get there. It was also good. The air was less polluted at night and the ambiance gave me time to contemplate about what happened and what didn't happen. Oddly, I didn't get anything from that road trip.. Hehe.. So anyway, I went on.. and there I was.. finally hangin out with my friend.. drinkin.. goofin around.. saw a few people from my ex-job.. laughin our a**es off.. enjoyin the moments basically.. but then.. during our affairs.. I just couldn't seem to get my mind off her.. and what she was thinking about earlier. Right there.. I figured.. I don't just like her.. I care about her.. And as weird as you might think it is.. I didn't like it.. It was against all that I stood by..

I gave her a book too some time not so long ago. The book was entitled "How to be really really really happy" by Bo Sanchez. I was suppose to finish it but I keep putting it off. I don't know.. The stories are good, but I guess I already know where he's leading to.. kinda know what he was talking about.. creepy "L" word.. and like I said.. I don't wanna be there just yet. Not even sure if I actually wanna be there. Yeah.. sure I enjoy every bit of time being happy.. and I am okay with giving, as long as I have something to give. But the trouble is that, some people will always want something more from you and we just need to give it to them so to keep them off your back.. but you know how it goes.. once they get a taste of it, they're gonna keep wanting more.. until you got nothing else to give. So I guess, Mr. Sanchez should stop writing about happiness and start workin on contentment mainly. HOW TO BE F*IN CONTENTED!!.. cos personally, I think happiness is very costly.. it involve a great deal of mess too.. and you can't just achieve it by simply buying a book.. some books are tricks to hypnotize the mind into believing everything is okay.. when in real life.. it isn't.. and some people will just f*ck you over and over until you linger in pain far too long cos you've gotten used to it.. and by the time you got off that mud hole of mess.. you feel nothing.. and you find every means to hurt yourself.. be it physically or emotionally., just so you can feel something.. with that.. paranoia can't seem to f*in find another host.. ugh!! That's what happens when you keep wanting more.. and believe me.. it will happen over and over again till you find contentment within. Contentment is way cheaper.. and safer. It doesn't matter whatever it is that you've got.. as long as you've got everything that you need.

Sorry.. I'm not mad. It's just that.. every time I try to be happy, the world seems to come crashing down upon me and I just couldn't handle it. I have all the valid reasons as to why I am not crazy enough to take any risk.. one of em is that.. I just don't like gambling.. and the rest is written in blood.

Okay.. Fine!! My reasons aren’t reasons I guess.. they’re all excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is.. I’m scared.. Terrified even.. of what's out there for me. That's why I've build these walls.. this shell.. ever so strongly.. so I can protect myself.. from everything.. anything.. not even joy nor love.. could penetrate them.. And some people, just don't get the label..

Figure it out, Babe..

I will be signing a new job offer tomorrow. During the interviews and the examinations, I sure was a bit terrified at one point. The final interview was really tough, for I had to answer real personal questions. Same as with the others that came before it. I didn't lie though.. nuh-uh.. not once. I told the reason why my heart wanted to leave my previous job. I told them as honestly as I possibly could. Miraculously, I got accepted.. I passed. The visit over Don Bosco along with a special friend probably helped a lot. Thank You Lord God. Something weird though.. The acceptance didn't felt as good as I thought it would be. It sure felt different. See, when I left ACS, I didn't thought any other company would give me a chance to work with them. Convergys proved it otherwise. The company accepted me and disregarded my past flaws. Convergys boost up my morale. Convergys made me felt I was really something.. something useful, worth keeping and a valuable asset to their company. It was awesome! I even won an iPod touch. Didn't lasted though.. Only stayed for seven days, when I should've at least stayed for three more days so just to complete the CCTraining.. and golly, that was just the easy part.. english, grammar and culture studies. I could've lifted off to PSTraining effortlessly.. but I didn't.. I went off the other way around. And just there, I've let go of something I really wanted.

Now, here comes another great thing. The new job I'm about to sign up tomorrow. It should be great right? I'm' just wondering though.. Why can't it feel just as good? Why does it feel so.. different? How come, I'm not too excited about it.. What's missing? What's wrong with this one? Everyone says this new company is high paying, has good benefit package, really prestigious.. and so, and so.. Makes me think.. Will I sign it just for the sake of having a job? Will I sign it cos it's been a while since I've been so much of a bum? Will I force myself to love it just cos everyone does? Will I force myself to enjoy it just cos everyone thinks it's something really good? Will I force myself to look forward to going there tomorrow cos everyone is happy for me? Why do I feel so.. different.. when I know, that I couldn't mess this one up?

Crazy huh? This is all I ever wanted. Why can't I feel anything..?

Dear Lord God.. Guide me.. I love you so much po..