If it's the right thing to do, then why do I feel bad?

Truth is, I don't ever wanna lose him. I was hoping he would be the one. I kind of entertained those little bluffing words from him a couple of days ago. He said he pictured us together, in our own little duplex home, four bedroom. Our kids living with us.. adding one more after a couple of years. It's kinda nice to hear him picturing things for us. We planned to save up so we can buy a car of our own. These things, I know are words to keep a girl holding on. And yes, it worked for me.. Because, as much as he wants to push and believe I am gay, I still am a girl. A girl who's madly in love with him. And in spite of knowing something that he has been keeping from me all along, I trusted him still. I wanted him still. I love him still.

It's nice to plan the future with someone as special as him. But it's just not fair that our past has to affect our decisions. It's not fair to say I played with his emotions, when all I asked was for him to tell me the truth whenever I ask for it. It's not fair to become sweet, nice, patient, understanding and helpless when I've bashed faces of lying cheating no good f*ckwitts before him. It's not fair, that I've given him everything I could to make him happy and make him stay, only to find out that the reason why we got to this point started out as a stupid f*ing bet. It's not fair that we always sneaked out in the parking lot and everywhere we could cos I wanted to protect what we have, when everybody else knows already and retardedly laughing at me behind my back. It's not fair to say that a couple of months isn't enough to say what we had was real. It's not fair to break up with someone who has paused her life just to be with you every single chance she could.. even set aside.. No, I won't go there.. It's just not fair.

I wanna fight for him. But really, what am I fighting for? Who am I kidding? Who broke who's heart? I will just humor myself with what he always pulls off to me as a joke "Girls can fake orgasms, but Boys can fake relationships"

Buddy, I am kinda tired to be the person who always holds on. I don't wanna be afraid anymore. I don't wanna cower in fear every time a bad temper rises up. I don't wanna beg nor plea just for people to stay and hold on to me.

He's right though, this shouldn't be this complicated. True love doesn't have to hurt this much. But really? What can I do? It's either he doesn't want me anymore.. again! or he's just afraid as I am. Hmm.. This is crazy. I think I'm just gonna hold on to what I feel, until it fades. Problem is.. would it? Gosh, I'm missing him already.

Wishful thinking

There's no guarantee that you'll find the one thing missing in your life. And it's just sad, that you have to spend the rest of your life looking for it. The truth is, if you already have found and lost it, it would always find it's way back to you. If not, then pray to God.. He will find a way for you. And now, Let me pray.

Lord, I need to talk to you please. I know and I understand what You're doing for me. Plus, You made me smart, so You should know how, as time and pain molds me to who and what I am now, I would kinda figure out Your plans for us. You're tricky Lord, but I know You love me. I will be patient cos I trust in You. It's just that, this lifetime is too short.. And we're so excited, Riane and I, to spend the rest of our lives with my King. Well, Riane's gona find her own prince too.. But for the meantime, she'll be tagging along with me. So please keep this heart strong for the both of us.

I remember how beasts tore me apart with their foulness before.. Some will still probably try to.. I may need to kiss a lot of frogs too. But I know that when the Volturis come to tear us up, I'd have my very own Edward to protect us. I know Lord, that I'm weak, and can often be too irrational and impulsive. I decide based on fear and I react stupidly on things I thought I understand, but really don't. But when I find him, all these tears are gonna be worth the wait.

I thought I met him already. A couple of times I thought I have. But this one just recently.. I forgot to tell him how much I love him. And as they say "I may have just let the moment pass me by..".

So Lord, in case he doesn't find out. Let him at least know that he is by far the best that ever came along. Let him know that he doesn't have to change, cos he will find someone who will perfectly fit in his life. May he find this lucky girl who'll show her all the happiness and love he deserves. May they live happily ever after.. Just like in the fairy tales. Oh, Lord, You know how I wish it's me. But I think all these fears needs to mellow down a bit first. And perhaps, you could give me my fairy tale too. Dear God, I love him so much. You know he has a good heart. I know he loves You and probably just couldn't say it. He's a good guy. Please take care of him for me. Amen.