My Very Own Twilight Story

"I sTiLL dReAm oF a fAirYtaLe eNdiNg.. bUt wHaT I wAnT iS nOt A pRinCe cHarMinG wiTh a miGhty sWord nOr A kNighT oN a dAsHiNg wHiTe hOrSe.. bUt a VaMpirE.. wHo gOt oFf fRom eiThEr A sHinIng siLvEr VoLvo.. oR a TaXi cAb.. -RoAn- ♥/♥"

I just finished watching Twilight. Perfect movie that defines how I love. You know how the movie mentioned.. When vampires start to fall in love..They never fall out of it. That is how I am. I love, forever.. And I can not wait to find someone whom I could share this strong emotions with. I tend to be very clingy and protective of the one I love. I want someone just like Eward Anthony Masen Cullen.. for I can be the Isabella Marie Swan who will want to be with that person for eternity.. up to the point of losing everything I own.. Even become someone I am not supposed to.. so just to be with my other half.. the one who would complete me..

Call me dreamy and stupid.. I don't care.. I thought that person came. But I was wrong.. The heart belongs to someone else.. I'm being unfair to myself.. And it's hurting my friends.. My family doesn't know.. I'm sorry dear ones.. But I could not control who this heart would pick.. I never forced myself to fall.. I just did.. And as much as I wanted to opt out of this.. I don't know how.. I'm far too scared.. I asked God to cut the cord.. But somehow.. He wouldn't..

My head is aching.. and I don't want to be sick.. I'm scared to learn the truth.. I'm shaking.. I don't want to let go.. But I have to.. I wanted to be happy with her.. But God is making it difficult for me.. The more I fight it.. The more it hurts..

When will my VaMpiRe come.. Rescue me soon.. Take a bite..

You probably don't know it yet.. But here's why you'll miss me..

A normal girl would say...I love you so much...
Roan would say.. I love you more than my life..

A normal girl would say...Bye.. Take care
Roan would say.. Hurry back to me..

A normal girl would say...I can find someone better...
Roan would say.. No one will ever come close..

A normal girl would say...No one will love you like I would...
Roan would say.. There's none that I'd rather love but you..

A normal girl would say...I miss you...
Roan would say.. You've taken half of myself with you..

A normal girl would say...I want to be part of your life...
Roan would say.. You are my life now..

A normal girl would say...Don't leave me...
Roan would say.. I wont ever leave you..

I will wait for you my very own version of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen..

Just what I thought

Why do I care? I have to finish this before I fall completely apart and drown into situations far too complicated to be fixed. I didn't got my wish for Christmas, but at least I get to hear the voice. I couldn't talk.. Quite palpitating and grasping for air.. I wanted to say so much but my breath was running out on me. An hour late after midnight.. a minute of connection.. Quite a lot longer hours of tear-jerking..
The first time I ever got a "sorry" was because the person didn't hear the call and wanted me to callback. I did called back but unable to verify the voice.. I didnt' trusted.. How could I.. I'm too afraid to face everything.. I wanted to talk to her.. but things would crush me down.. IThe feelings were far too strong.. I could not contain it.. I know what I have to do.. but I have to compose myself first.. I will let go eventually.. I just have to learn how to take the first step.. And what might that be? Admit that it is game over.. Dead end.. Check mate.. Nothing that I do or say or even feel and think.. Could change anything today.. I lost this time.. No one who loves me enough could let me win for this year. Have to accept everything.. Look forward for a new tomorrow.. Christmas was ruined.. Could not let New Year be ruined too.. Have to close this one this year..

I promise myself.. I will be better.. I will be happy for the sake of the people who still loves me.. By the way.. Thanks for my friends who were there for me until midnight.. You touched my heart.. Big time.. It migh not show.. Since I haven't got any good sleep lately.. And my head is aching.. real bad.. I've got to say.. I appreciate everything..
I'm sorry for my break downs lately.. I'm just so full of fear.. And I have to face those fears before I completely lose myself.. I don't know how? I don't know when? But I have to talk to her.. Face to face.. So when we go on our separate ways.. All the feelings.. Would leave aswell.. I need to gather my strength.. I have to let go..

iT's His biRthDay

Don't forget to greet The Birthday Boy!
God bless us all..
Merry Christmas Everyone..
Gona miss it this year..
Been crying the whole day..
Can't stop..
Gona spend it at work..
Can already see myself walking papunta work later..
Alone and crying.. =')
Missing everyone..
Wawa naman ako noh.. hehe..
Yakap po.. ='(

Param beybi ba ku..

I like Leigh Nash as an artist.. She's so pretty and I like her voice..

This Christmas season.. I like her "Wishing For This" song.. Sobrang soothing and malambing.. Parang ako.. Noh??..

But you know.. I was really tear-jerkin when I heard Monica's "Grown-Up Christmas List".. Couldn't help it.. I liked every line from the song.. It's so selfless.. and Got me cryin like a baby.. The rest of the songs in there.. sa playlist ko.. Yung mga may title na "All I Want For Christmas.." la lang naman.. Kase.. I want a partcular someone for Christmas.. None else.. But I can't po eh.. I have to stay away...................

Wanna liste to my playlist? It's all posted sa fs ko.. copy paste na lang po sa ip address box this one right below..

->http://profiles.friendster.com/81761818<- check em out kei.. ang cute pa ng page ko..

Goodnight seyo.. Pasok na ko..

[Have to work Christmas Eve.. sad noh.. La ku family sa work..]

(Sob) . . .

...................

my heart has been sh*t out of it's luck.. in spite of all the fears.. crying has been a f*cked up habit.. wanna make things better so bad.. only one good thing I ever could need.. but would one do it for love.. or for a little dose of serenity.. i don't know..

®

I still want you.. but as much as I want to be with you.. i just can't have you in my life anymore.. i love you too much.. and it's really painful.. and i just can't look at you the same way.. knowing what happened..

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I've forgiven you.. and i know that with just a look.. the feelings would grow even more.. and i can't do that.. i just can't have myself be broken by you.. over and over again..
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I've always thought that we should be together.. but I was wrong.. we can't hurt each other anymore.. i know that when i see you again.. i would hug you.. so tight..

..so tight that it would feel so right.. but then I wouldn't be able to let you go.. and i can't do that.. cos the truth is going to kill me.. and I'm scared.. cos i know i will take you back.. and i don't want to do that.. cos i can't bare to lose you again..

®

i still want you.. and i know I will love you until I die..
but I've learned to face.. that you're not with me anymore..

My heart is with you still.. but I have to be away from you..

for I'm safe here.. loving you from afar.. where you can't hurt me anymore..

..no one's ever gonna protect me.. but myself alone..

®

..even though we're not together.. no matter who you're with.. as long as you're here.. in this world.. alive and safe.. I'm happy with that..

®

Baby.. I pray for you all the time.. and I just have to say.. there's not a day that passes by.. that I don't think about you and I..

®

......i miss you......

Sa totoo lang

Everyday I go to work from 12am up to 9am. I take a bath for long hours and I walk around everywhere afterwards. If I get the chance to drink with my co-workers, I grab it and I stay at the workplace for long hours, until there is no one to talk to anymore. I get two hours of sleep the most and I rarely stay at one place without doing anything. I seldom sleep in my room and I take my naps downstairs where there is a lot of noise from the television.

Before I sleep and upon waking up I puff yosi. I can finish a packet at one sitting and I started drinking coffee even if I don't like the thing.. I'm quite addicted to it actually. I keep myself busy and I don't want to talk to people who doesn't say much because I tend to tell my story.. and they seem to be very interested with it. I watch CSI and Suspense Movies and a lot of Sci-Fi's and I try to avoid romantic flicks or even movies with a bit of a sentiment in it. I secretly get offended by the most petty jokes about broken relationships and even if they were not addressed to me, I get so confused in an instant. I comment on happy stories of my peers so vaguely.. about their love life.. their dates and how I secretly envy couples who has been together for more years.. I secretly shrug at people who get heart-b*tch-broken over years of commitment ending real bad.. Huh!? Ganun.. Ewan ko rin eh.. I'm under a lot of stress and sa totoo lang po.. ang sama na ng pakiramdam ko.

I tried shopping. It didn't help. Nauubos sweldo ko..and with what? Shoes? Ones I don't even use. I don't want to lend it to my sisters because I tend to place them only for display in my room for admiration purposes. I wear them a lot inside the house as I walk around doing nothing at all.

I bought my favorite perfume..the best in the world for me.. but could I even consume two of them at a time? I bought some gifts for my friends and I was so f*cking hesitant and fearful during the purchase because I felt they would not appreciate what I would give. My best friend though, made it clear to me..that she loved my gift. I know she did liked it.. cos I did too. Wow.. that one was a big deal for me. It kind of eased out the confusion and tension for moment in time.

However, I don't wanna go to work anymore. I'm so tired. Even if I'm not doing anything..tears starts to fall down my face. Silly thing is, at one time, while I was working.. and talking to a client.. Tears started falling for no particular f*cking reason at all. The client doesn't even have anything to do with it. Sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko and I'm quite tired of saying I'm tired. I just wanna drop dead. And literally, my head is aching so badly.. and I feel like I deserve more than two hours of sleep. What's happening to me God? I try to look for other past time but I can't. I want to buy an Ipod but I can't listen to music because it will lead to more pathetic reminiscing and more thinking. I want to buy DVD's.. but I believe there would be more to think about while watching.

I think with all these stress.. I'm soon to fade.. GREAT! I've been real busy.. and I want to get some real rest.. I can't stop moving kase.. I don't want to explore my mind.. It's quite a very dangerous little space and a bit being a hazard to me.

Like the a couple of thoughts right now..

"I never knew.. And after I have found out.. I never messed up anyone's life.."

"So, if that's the case why mess up with my mind..??"

"What more is there to say.."

"Even a little sorry?" *asa ko B*bo! saka g*go wag na!*

"Misser" *why?*

"Bakit biglaan?" *mam*tay kna roan! g*go! tanong ka pa*

"Diba nilag lag sa lahat?"

"Sinira sa ibang tao"

"Why justify everything?"

"Unfair..why not k*ll me instead"

"I want Marlboro Lights.."

"Gusto ko din ng coke..yung malamig na malamig na malamig.."

"Pwdeng cherry coke.."

"Hard feelings?"

None right? No hard feelings.. It's all just a matter of me.. adjusting to a f*cked up situation.. Provided by a f*cked up mind of a f*cked up person who has a 100% disregard for my humanity.

"Never would've trusted you were respected.."
"What could've been if I never fell.."

"Would I feel as much pain"

"Would I loved as much.."

That's life.. You win some.. You lose even a lot more.. And some f*cking weakling like me couldn't do anything about it..

"If I die.. would I ever go to heaven?

I wrote down my passwords on my Blank Book.. YM's Imeems, Friendster.. as well as the one from my Locker at work..

"I am humbled.. a couple of times.."

"Humiliated.. a lot of times.."
"Disrespected.. by the one person I ever.. truly loved.."

"Lost gambling.. once again.."

I know I said I'm not good at betting on anything.. I always lose when I gamble..

"All I want for Christmas is you.."

A peek inside my mind
I don't want o think for now..

Name that phobia

I was actually looking for a perfect definition of how I am feeling. I wanted to write an article about it.. but I am not fully composed. I am out of my mind and grasping for a clear breath.. but I could not grab anything sensible. I could not compose a thought. Only adjectives.. Feeling so much betrayed.. in a couple of angles..

I lost 6,800.. Someone stole from my account. I worked hard for it. Why do I lose things I work hard for. Things I invested in.. Am I that stupid.. I'm so sick.. I know I can trust my family.. and friends.. But why can't I just trust everybody with my life..

Maybe that's my talent after all. See.. I was wondering what I was actually ever good at.. A special field that I actually excel on.. Found it!! Allowing others to take take advantage of me.. Not in a sexual way.. haha.. I'm so great at losing stuff..

I got broken again.. Maybe I wasn't fixed after all.

I lay in bed all day... all night.. I didn't wanted to move. I was so confused and really helpless.. Why would somebody want to steal from me.. Maybe cos I give a lot.. and they would not think I would mind.

Will this ever end.. haha! I'm quite sick of this.. It's like having a third eye.. only.. it is open not for ghosts.. but for foulness.. pain.. abuse.. rudeness.. mean people and bad manners.. lies..

I am very naive.. I'm weak!! I could not think of revenge.. I take everything.. Hard blows and kicks.. And I know, that with just a sweet lie.. one sorry.. a touch.. a hug.. FORGIVEN!

Very soft..
Fragile..
Such a woos..
A freaking baby!!
(helpless.. a lot of fears.. shattering body.. trembling hands.. in constant pain.. tears)

I'm just quite tired though.. Seriously, I am.. really quite sick of you all.. What have I done to you? Mabuting tao naman ako ah.. Kunin nyo yung di importante.. Ako pa mag hahatid sa inyo..

Teka.. Tanong lang.. Masarap naman ako bumawi diba..
Nakakasawa kayo.. Hilo na ko..

I guess I'll just have to laugh about it.. There are things in this world that I can't do anything about.. or maybe there is.. I'm just not aware of the good ones to do.. and there are a lot of obvious bad ones but I just chose not to be mean.. Cos if I did.. God would really hate me.. And I know how He rewards kind people.. I would not want Him to smite me..

But honestly po.. Pagod na ko.. Gusto ko na lang po matulog.. Lagi..
Name that phobia.. and continue to live with it anyway..

Ann.. Please.. Enough already..

Sh*T i hate this.. Calling the name again.. MISSING HER!?! ayoko na neto.. why won't it go away.. i hate this.. are you crying again Roan.. no.. please.. STOP NA.. why can't you just move the F*Ck on!! You're stup*d.. Mag isa ka lang dito.. YOU'RE STUP*D! Why won't you just die.. Mam*tay ka na ROAN.. ANG T*NGA MO!!! Baket ba?? Ano ngayon kung Holidays? T*NGA!! B*BO!! Anung paki alam nya sayo!! Like it would matter to anyone that you're like that! Kilala mo sha diba? Why are you still here ROAN! You're STUP*D!! F*CKING STUP*D B*TCH! DROP DEAD STUP*D B*TCH!! T*NGA KA ROAN!! M*MATAY KA NA!! That person will never.. ever have a heart for you.. The beast will always be A BEAST!! You should've known that from the start.. You should've never ever hoped that there is goodness inside that person's heart for you.. Umasa ka even if you knew all along.. Let go Ann.. Please.. Why are you still here.. Fairy tales aren't real..

I'm sorry Lord.. You know how I feel.. i can't let go.. I'm holding on too tight.. and it's bleeding.. a lot.. but i don't seem to notice.. please cut my hands.. let me let go.. I'm not safe here.. no one's protecting me.. cut my hands Lord..

(not my hands God.. figuratively speaking lang po.. *iyak-tawa*)

jUsT bEiNg mY siLLy seLf

They say that if you contain your emotions, you may explode..
Scientifically, I heard something of the same sort.. Something about a law of physics or.. I don't know.. I just can't remember exactly what it was.. but anyway.. I don't really care.. I've acted more stupidly before.. what difference does saying this matters anyway.. paki nila right.. this is what I feel eh.. wala naman akong inaagawan.. I did everything to fix things.. But the person left anyway.. Ganun talaga.. You win some.. You lose some.. Can't wait for the right one Lord.. Sus! Ala naman.. Eh.. eh.. ka-tagal..

I'm losing my social life.. Puro work.. work.. work.. La naman prospect sa work.. Outside sa work ala din.. No butterflies in my tummy.. Puro hangin lang ang laman.. Kaka yosi.. hehe..

Miss the feeling of being inlove.. But the question is.. Was I ever IN-love? hmm..

Kaylan kaya sha darating.. Yung meron talagang striking kilig factor.. One where in everything is reciprocated.. One where in masasabi namin parehas sa ibang tao..
"I'm so lucky to have this person in my life.."
"This is the one.."
"Perfect combination.. Match made in heaven"
"Could not ask for anything more"
"Happy together.. Forever..
Yung tipong napapangiti even for no reason at all.. Just because naiisip namin isa't isa..
Yung totoong for Eternity and Till death do us part kind of love..
Yung wala kaming sabit sa past the time na mag tagpo kami..
As in both single and clear na lahat ng history..
And the future.. haaaahhy.. Just right..
Yung masaya cos the person is yours and at the same time scared din.. cos it might all go away.. But we know it wouldn't.. and we cry because we're so happy..

Ang dreamy ko.. Is that even for me Lord.. Puro fake kasi yung dati.. Best words to describe them..
OUCH.. Excellent Lessons..
What are your plans for me po.. Matigas talaga ulo ko.. Parang di natututo.. Pero Lord, if I may ask of you.. Ayoko na po ng tests.. I will wait for my soulmate.. I won't be in a hurry.. Pero I will anticipate everyday that I come closer to meeting the one for me.. My Knight.. in his shining armour.. Kung pwede po naka BMW pag dating nya.. hehe.. Biro lang po about the car..
I hope you bring that person to me na.. Kahit naka jeep lang sha or naka trycicle.. hehe..

I know it's going to be grand..
All the pain..
All the waiting..
I'm so sure it's all worth it..

Lord..
Kaw po huh..

Excited na ko makilala sha.. Nu kaya ginagawa nun ngayon..
(kinikilig ako..hehe..)

Subic

Went to Subic last saturday with my friends..almost 4 hours ang byahe. I didn't know I would be comfortable away from home.. single and uncontrolled. But for the second time around, I was okay with it. The first was when I was in Batangas. I guess that's what comes along when you are being loved and cared for by the people you are with during those uncomfy times. I gotta say. When I was in Batangas, I was so much having fun..so much.. maybe because I have people who wanted me to have fun.. but not in the way that I wanted to nga lang.. hehe.. I had some restrictions non, but that was the best way of having fun right.. yung mga pa-takas.. mejo vulnerable kasi ako during those times and I really wanna let it out on someone.. but in a good way. My best friends were very protective of me and later on ko na isip na.. Haay.. Basta..

In Subic, I had a great time too. I got carried away.. washed away.. by the waves.. Ang saya.. I had so much fun.. *I just hope they know that* We went to an island and it was picturesque and romantic sana.. If only inlove ka diba.. I was kinda wondering why I was not crying. Last time kasi nung nasa Bicol ako.. I cried so much.. May pa hikbi-hikbi pa.. param bata.. I really wanted to go home dati.. Kasi, I felt like I should be spending those moments with someone who has my heart.. This time kasi.. there's no one to go home to.

I had to go home though.. My lola Pinay celebrates her 80th birthday. I actually was not supposed to stay overnight in Subic, but I was kidnapped.. Again.. Ang sweet talaga nila.. Don't you just love it when that happens.. Ramdam mo na your friends want to be with you.. Anyway, I had to cut my trip short.. Family matters eh..

As I was on my way home.. I realized I was alone. Waaaahhh.. It was actually my first time to travel that long.. and alone.. I was literally crying in the bus. I texted everyone and I was telling them how much I love them and how I treasure their friendship, I was texting my mom and telling her how much I wanted to be home right at that moment.. I had time to think! I don't want to think! I get very sentimental and serious when I think! I get to be very smart and sensible when left alone with nothing to do but think! ALONE! I don't like sharing stuff with MYSELF! Five hours of flash-backs and you couldn't do anything about it.. I couldn't even sleep because I was up-front on the right side, in a two-seater spot.. with nobody beside me but my cherry coke, my chicken noodle soup and my baggage.. there was no t.v. and the road was lit only by the headlights of the bus.. everything outside was dark and the only person you see is the driver and there wasn't even anybody sitting across my left side.. it was torture! I just wanted to punch my face! I was irritating myself! I was a hazard to myself! I hated it! I hated travelling alone!

Breathe girl.. Hmmm..

At last.. we reached the city.. And there were lights.. haaahh..
My comfort zone.. My haven.. Noisy places and irritating sounds produced by the jeepneys and bars.. It's much better than silence..

I cRuSh yOu sOoOo mUchOs!

Hugh Michael Jackman
Date of Birth: Saturday October 12 1968
Place of Birt:Sydney (Australia)
Height: 6' 2½" (1.89 m)


People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 2008.

Stressed out

I've been having a terrible weekend. Let me count the stress I've been burdened with this weekend.

My AUB is missing.. Don't know how I lost it.. Now I don't have any money cos I can't withdraw! Dapat mag papa pizza ko sa friends ko last saturday.. Eh 1k lang out of pocket limit ko that night kaya yun..Bad trip!

My certification got extended cos I screwed up some verification issues (something from work). I have a week to catch up but my voice is gruffy and I need my voice to be very effective sa work right? Plus.. some guys from work are being.. you know.. being BOYS and talking stuff about a Capricorn girl.. and it's kind of uncomfortable kasi basta.. friend ko sha and behave kase ko.. or at least.. trying to be.. hehe.. What I am fearing kasi is baka mag karon ako ng bad label sa work cos of miss naughty Capricorn.. I'm one of the boys and they know that and I don't want that to change.. Hay.. Boys will be boys talaga.. ang lupit non! ang lupit non! BASTA! Couple of things I have to say bout work.. first.. Sobrang behave ko second.. SCORPIOs rock!! (making me smile tuloy.. bad trip!)

A special person I wanted to have as a friend is avoiding me. Ayaw daw nya maging friends kami. I said sa kanya.. A new friend should always be welcome to anyone's life.. Why naman kasi dapat mag rush in and make things complicated kasi diba.. Sabi nya.. Looking na sha for someone to spend the rest ng life nya with.. Everybody wants that naman talaga diba.. I on the other hand needs a rain check on that..

Someone who did a really bad thing to me is getting everything her way. She got away with the crime she did and now she seems to walk around as if nothing terrible happened to me. She's spendng time with my friends and it's really unfair. That's my comfort zone eh and I can't have her moving around where I feel most comfortable with. Not to be selfish or anything I don' want to breathe around where she has been. Joke lang! Sige na nga.. Take what you can.. Wag lang FAMILY KO at BESTFRIENDS KO! Yaan na ung mga bias.. Ganun talaga eh.. It's really nice knowing there are people playing on your team.. Lalo pa when you don't have to impose.. May kusa na mga nag mamahal sayo ng totoo.

Remember the rain last time? It was really awful. Normaly, I take quick baths everyday. But during that time.. I stayed in for almost three hours. I didn't wanted to move.. I wanted to cool down lang hangang gininaw na ko at marealize na I'm late na for work.
It was really messy that wednesday. The rain completely ruined my day. Pero after shift lumabas ako.. there was a very bright and big rainbow. Ang ganda.. however.. It was not enough to fix things for me.. Nakalimutan na ata ako ng tadhana.. helo0o0o0w TadhaNa!! I'm still here.. hehe..

Dear God.. Thanks for keeping me alive.. Thanks po at pinag isa nyo na yung problems ko.. Buti sabay sabay na.. I know you love me Lord.. Sige po.. Unahin Mo po muna sila.. There are bigger problems in the world.. Kaya ko pa naman po eh.. And I know that when I really cant na.. You will be there for me.. For the yoke that you gave me is easy and Your burden is light.. I will come to You when I need a rest.. Lav kita Lord.. Sobra..

i think i'm gona be sick

please don't rain.. I was doing okay lately.. I don't wanna feel sick again.. I wanna feel okay all the time.. I don't want to think.. I wanna be busy.. I want to move til my busyness wears out all the strength in my body and drain out all of my senses.. I wanna be senseless.. (huh? anu daw..) hehe..

God oh.. Look po.. Why ganto.. Sama pakiramdam ko.. Heal me po huh.. Don't let me feel sick again.. No more bad dreams..

Horror flicks makes me cry

For the past weekend I have always been out of the house. You wouldn't find me at home alone. I'm everywhere. I can't stand being in one place where I tend to ponder about serious matters. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can. I sleep in our sofa and I seldom go to my room. I go up after bathing and run elsewhere after that. By the way, another reason why I hang out in my room is cos Taygur just gave birth to three chubby kitties last Nov. 6th. I named one Junior, she's a girl and she looks exactly just like her mommy. I miss them already.

Anyway, last Saturday, I went to the house of a friend. We had a movie marathon. We watched a lot of morbid films filled with gore and gruesomeness. It was crazy and weird..but it was all good. We watched 30 Days of Nights and there was a particular scene that struck me big time. It was where in they were hiding up in the attic and one of them, an old man woke up from a supposedly nightmare.. crying.. and he was looking for Catherine.. his wife. The son told his father..

"Dad.."

"Mom died a long time ago.."

Waaaahhh... Isn't that the sweetest thing?! I want that..that forever type of longing by someone I trully love. Haay... That is one thing I am fearing.. I may probably feel that when I grow up. I might look for that person even when I am so0o0o old.

I can't live like that. It would be like A lifetime of darkness and not 30 days for me.. hehe.. I hope I fall inlove again.. cos the only person that I have ever deeply loved is not dead.. but completely alive and is with some.. whatever, I really don't care bout them. It's the freaking feeling that's haunting me once in a while.

I hope I find my soulmate someday.. Someone who will make me fall completely head over heels inlove with.. and would feel the same for me.. eternally.. (sob).. I miss love.. and all because of a horror flick.. ain't that weird.. hehe

i love You, Lord

My life may not be as majestic as the life of other people.. I may not be as great as some people I admire.. I may not be close to being a perfect child.. but I surely want to offer my life to You. If only I have lived it according to how I see it now.. wow.. you will be so proud of me.. I want to be good enough for You and for my family and friends and for people who.. uhmm.. people who thinks I'm worth being with.. (meron ba? hehe) I'm sorry for offending You so many times. I'm sorry for letting You down and for hurting You by making a fool of myself. I pray that you may help me redeem myself for You and for them. I hope that isn't too much to ask for a sinner like me.. Pasaway kasi ko Lord.. and I'm really sorry..

By the way Lord.. Thank you for the blessings You have given me and my family. I may not be able to see most of them.. but I surely know deep in my heart that You truly care.. and that everything You do and will.. You do them because You love me.. us.. Thank you for taking good care of the people I love and hold close to my heart.. Thank you for letting me live where people love and truly care for me.. I know I don't want to ask for fame and fortune.. I'm not as sure as before where I am going (cos I thought I already had everything) all that I am sure of is that Your plans are grand and that You will be there for me when I get there (wherever that may be).. Thank you for Your LOVE God.. with that.. I could not ask for anything more.. (every GOOD thing comes along with it)

I miss You Lord.. I'm going to church later.. Can't wait to talk to you.. I love you ever so dearly..

Cont.

Just got back from church.. I cried sa song ni Carol Banawa - Stay. I have always liked that song. I didn't know it would hit me right in the heart pala.

UNDAS is all about commemorating losses right? November 1st.. is an "okay" time to mourn and cry. Plus try spell out the word Undas backwards.. You will find that it has always been..

Sad Nu?? haha..

I was tear-jerking talaga sa church.. You know HOW I recently lost someone.. Feeling ko namatayan ako when I lost that person. Even though you don't want to miss them. You, eventually will.. It's really painful talaga thinking about how you'll never see someone ever again.. and if ever man that you might, someday.. You could no look at that person the same way, and if ever ulet that you do see them as you saw them before.. You'd try to avoid that feeling of electric shock sa head, arms and belly kasi you wouldn't want to fall again.. right diba? For some naman, it would be like looking at a ghost na lang. Good thing about me is I really don't believe in "multo" naman kase. It really is all in the head talaga. Haay..

Wait lang.. Good news.. Ang ganda ng hair ko.. Straight na straight.Shoot!! Ang ganda ko na!! Wohooh! Kaso kinakatakot ko lang is, di ako tinatablan ng mga treatments eh. So baka bumalik din sha sa magandang wavy hair ko after some weeks. Either way.. God loves me pa rin. Sige po.

Hola!

A star?

I saw a star earlier this morning as I was walking on the highway on the way home. It was after dawn and still a little dark. The wind was a little bit chilling. I had my jacket on. I was alone. I was staring at the pretty lavender sky and marveled by the bright shinny.. glittering thing right there as I walk along. I was alone and that star was the only company I was having.. except for some fast cars on the road and a couple of silly guys teasing me.. Cute college freestylers.. I thought they were drunk.. They were in their car with loud music on.. Anyway..I said I was alone.. And I was looking at the star.. I was so dazzled by its beauty.. I couldn't care less about the things around me.. I just watched in admiration.. The star gave me comfort and a feeling of ease..

Suddenly, as i come closer to the star.. I noticed that it was moving away.. I was baffled.. I didn't wanted it to go.. I wanna look at it and stare at it for some more.. and I came to realize.. It wasn't a star.. It was a freakin plane, and up to now.. I'm still not even sure if it was ever a plane. These eyes.. A bit like the heart huh.. Believe what seemingly appears to be.. And feel whatever it does, instantly..

I guess things don't always appear to be what they are. They are what they are because that is what we wanted them to be.. We are blinded by our own desires.. realizing later on, that we just have to accept things as they are and that we have to deal with the fact that the world can be very deceitful. Also, that there are stuff that we can't have cos they have to be somewhere else where we're not.. (huh?) We can't change the world.. but i guess we can make a difference.

Life is full of surprises.. I f*ckin hate surprises really. I feel like I deserve to know everything.. If not.. even a little heads-up.. some figures that I'm gonna be f*cked over by stuff or people.. little warnings so that I may be able to contain the situation. I don't want to stand stupidly not knowing what to do when a freakishly new situation comes up my b*tt. I have to do something. I can't be helpless all the time. It's really not fair. I'm a good girl.. I try to be nice.. I protect people I love.. I care too much.. Wouldn't it be nice if people would care back.. (toink!)

Truth is.. I suck.. I trust people so easily and things can be tricky. I am on the process of self-redemption. I'm tryin to accept my fate. I'm tryin to pick up the pieces and throw them out the recycle bin. Doin pretty good at it too. I don't know. Little things mean so much to me. Every detail.. Everything around me matters. There are people very much willing to love me.. Take good care of me.. Make me smile.. Give me gifts.. Chocolates.. Promises made to be broken.. hehe.. You know.. the usual.. But this f*ckin thing inside just wont go away. It's like.. a part of me that I can't let go.. Like an arm.. or your liver or a kneecap that you want to remove.. But just can't.. cos it's gonna hurt and it's costly and it's gonna look weird to the doctors too.. (hehe)

Okay.. to sum it all up.. I hope things, you know.. situation.. circumstances.. and most especially.. people.. becomes fair and truthful and sincere. I just wish everyone in this planet become happy all at the same time.. So no one would ever ever have to lie or feel like they need to manipulate other people's emotions just cos they aren't happy. I wish everyone all the happiness in the universe. So0o0o0o happy.. they'd feel like they need to make others happy too.

With that, I therefore conclude that I am still a little jiggly.. hehe..
(did I even made a clear point in relation with the title? hehe..)

I'm a bit troubled

My cat just gave birth to three more kitties. Ang tataba..hehe.. But she's sick. She wont let her babies get their milk. She's not feeling well. Get well soon Pus-Pus..

And.. Someone from work.. Bein really showy.. Bout feelings.. Getin a little bit awkward and uncomfortable.. Can't give anything but friendship, really.. Nice person though.. Galante din.. hehe.. Not interested pa naman kasi.. Kahit kanino..

Plus.. I got a stalker.. Been calling me sa celphone.. gona post the numbers here pag tumawag ulit.. two nights in a row sha tumawag.. Land line na meron pang text.. Hmm.. Weird.. Di nagsasalita.. Nag text din.. Pwede naman mag pakilala, pero hindi eh.. Basta..

Plus.. Plus.. I don't wanna miss a thing.. You know..

Aaahhhshit!

Mamamatay na ba ko? Bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.. Hmm.. When kaya.. Wawa naman yung soulmate ko pag nawala na ko now.. Di man lang kami mag kikita..

Hmm.. I need to go out.. See you guys around..

I like my smile

Went to Batangas to celebrate the birthday of two of my friends.. Stayed there for three days and two nights. Great view, good friends, great beer..

I'm getting on track.. A little tippy toes somehow, being very careful about the things I'm doing. It's nice to have fun and set aside all the possibilities of hurting other people's feelings, including my own. I need to be protective of my silly little self.. you know.. the little baby girl, very fragile and naive when it comes to love.. aghhh.. Love.. Such a magical word.. Must be careful using them.. It's strong.. It kills.. hehe.. Not the body.. But the bubbly and joyful side of our personality.. Love destroys when without a partner.. You know.. The other half.. What am I saying..

Though there's a little bit of kurot.. I think I'm much better now.. Got a lot of job offers and a lot more stuff awaiting and begging to occupy my mind.. I wont lie.. I was broken but I never felt any galit or hatred.. In fact I want to tell you.. I did loved that.. that person.. Maybe I trully did.. But then.. I was able to forgive.. Able to let go and now.. I'm okay.. Wow.. I'm good.. It takes a lot of courage to move on and I was able to do that.. Wow.. I'm a rockstar!
..Or maybe because I'm starting to have crushes again..

I met someone.. I spent a whole weekend with that person.. Together with some of my friends and some friends nya rin.. Nothin' much to say about this someone.. I'm just excited to share.. This one makes me smile.. You know that kind of smile that you just can't hide and fight from showing.. Hmm.. I can't stop smiling when this person is in my head.. I'm not sure when was the last time I blushed.. But I have been this past week..

And I like it.. And its all because of you.. Take it Neyo.. I love the way it feels.. hmm..

Nothin serious really.. Just havin fun.. Some childish crush I guess.. Hope more of these happy feelings come my way..

Haaayy.. I love my friends.. they love me too.. They protect me.. They put up with me.. They are the best..

"Salamat sa mga offers.. hehe.. But I have my own plans for now.. alam nyo na yon.. Mwah!!"

Nawala na ko sa topic ko.. Anu ba yan.. Basta.. Masaya yung Batangas natin.. Masaya tayo noh.. even with a very little bit of a hassle.. hehe ..It's still all good..

Got a little somethin more to share right here..

I wasn't lying when I said I was happy,
But there are moments when a person misses their story.

Crazy coz I'm hurt

I'm a little bit out of my head right now.. Mentally and emotionally challenged currently.. Trying to fight every pathetic hurtful feeling overpowering my heart.. I am recently acting insane and as if I am drunk even without a drop of liquor in my mouth.. Oh, wait.. I have been drinking for consecutive days after the loss.. I don't want to love that ill-mannered, foul tongued love of my life anyway right.. But I still do.. But I don't want to.. But I still do.. Am I tired? Yeah.. very much.. I am pathetic for holding on to the memories.. D*mn memories!! Why wont you go away!! I am forgetful and everybody knows I have ulyaninism.. huh.. This feelings.. It's breaking me down.. I know.. It has been like six years and three months lang naman diba.. so What's all the fuss about right.. I'ts not like we're married or anything.. We don't even have kids naman diba.. I wont fight na nga.. I'll cry.. Until there's nothing left.. And by the time I see the one.. Oh boy.. She's /He's gonna be so lucky.. She's/He's gonna be so loved.. Oh baby.. I'm gonna treat her/him so right.. That person will never ever wanna let me go..

Funny.. It really hurts.. Amazing isn't it..

Isn't it amazing how you feel every minute of the pain in your body and live with them every other time. How amazing as well are those who stay strong and finds the courage to give out the fakest smile and still gets a little pleasure doing so. It is also so extremely amazing how one deals with pain-staking hours of thinking and getting no answers in the further end.

I per se am crazy laughing about all this pain that I'm feeling right now. Wondering how I could still be so much alive even with this agonizing matters in my DNA which seemingly may kill me...but doesn't. All of them are right inside you and that one can't seem to get control over them..HAHA! Talk about irony.

It's so difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels and yet, life calls upon us to do it, over and over and over and over and f*cking over and over again. What's that all about? Why? What's the deal? It's crazy isn't it?

Nobody can move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old. Eh, what if one doesn't really want to? Or do we really have to? Can everything just be plain easy. I know for some, it is. But why me? Pain sure knows what victim to attack don't they. Sweet, Loving, Pretty, Little, Skinny, Old, Young me.. =p

We even ask the almighty God, the source of all the love in the universe, to temporarily take away all these feelings we are still stubbornly keeping and give them back when the right one comes along..

I guess letting go is patented for humanity. Time comes in the context of love and romance, when one must learn to let go. For some unlucky little angles, such as yours truly, we must let go of a bitter sweet and romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be AFTER ALL.. perhaps it was hurtful, perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of either parties.

There may be feelings of hesitations and a lot more passion and love still left in our hearts.. We may be cynical about it and as if it may seem so weakening to just even think about it.. we must be strong and brave enough to accept.. NO! not accept.. face our biggest fears of f*cking LETTING GO.. Letting go of something that is extremely unhealthy for our divine selves.

To be continued.. Naiiyak ako eh.. hehe.. can't help the tears fall down my pretty cheeks.. Maya ulet.. Papa okay lang ako.. Smile.. God is good..

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I have to do it because I care.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

I'll do it For YOU..that's how much I love you

Every piece of the puzzle fell on it's proper place na.. My eyes have always been closed.. Everything is so clear na.. Kilala ko kung sino.. but don’t worry.. kilala mo naman ako diba.. hindi naman ako traydor.. at yun ang pinaka ayaw ko sa lahat.. sana alagaan ka nya more than I have.. I hope you go to church together.. Quickie.. i wont try to get you back anymore.. and trust that I wont get even and I wont try to hurt you.. i want you to be happy.. that's how much I love you.. I'm gonna be better din po and I'll be happy.. i hope i find the one.. i can't stand another goodbye.. pag nakita mo ko.. ngitian mo ko huh.. ma mimiss kita..
=')

I want to let it out..sorry..

Iniwan nya ko dahil sa mga bagong nakasama nya na nag impluwensha sa kanya..! Kinukutya sya na takot sha sa asawa nya! Inaalaska na under sha! Nilayo yung loob sakin dahil hindi sila masaya sa mga buhay nila..di ko naman nilayo sa inyo ung mahal ko eh..kahit nag kukulang na sha sakin pinapasama ko pa rin sha sa inyo..hindi kayo tunay na kaibigan kasi inalis nyo sa buhay nya yung taong pinaka nag mamahal sa kanya..buhay ko yung kinuha nyo eh..SANA MASAYA NA KAYO! Pinag palit nya six years dahil sa inyo.. alagaan nyo yan.. TI pag may nangyari masama jan dahil sa inyo.. mag sisisi kayo.. six years over f*cking GIMIK? wala kayong kunsensha.. u hav no idea what I'v been through to make us work.. kinunsinti nyo pa.. buhay ko sha mga tol..


Lies..all lies..Busted..How can I fall for a loser as such..I guess I'm the loser after all..

I'm badly bruised Lord.. be with me tonight Dear God..

what can I do.. dami ko pictures na nakita.. been lying to me all this time.. before sha mahuli.. iniwan na nya ko.. para wala ng sumbat.. ang galing nya no.. dahil saan? dahil sa mga bagong nakilala.. pinag palit nya ko sa mga bagong kaybigan na hindi naman sha titignan like I see her always.. ung taong mahal na mahal ko.. ni hindi ko naman inaway mga yon diba.. i was begging before na itrato nya ko like her friends.. pero wala po eh.. selfish po Lord.. I know I may have done some stupid things before.. but I know how to say sorry.. and the whole world knows kung sino talaga ang nag iisang mahal ko na kahit buhay ko kaya kong ibigay.. Don't I deserve a little bit of sorry a hug maybe.. I'm not mad.. I'd still say yes.. I tried to bring her to you Lord so you could touch her heart a little bit.. pero ang hirap nya i-crack open.. she doesn't love me Lord.. ayoko na sha mahalin.. gusto ko na mag move on.. but i'm being pulled down ng pag mamahal ko sa kanya.. gusto ko lang matulog.. i don't want to be afraid anymore.. kasi pag gising ko.. I have more strength para umiyak.. gusto ko na po maging masaya Lord.. please help me.. kasi po no one else is.. hinang hina na po ko God.. give me strength.. i'm badly bruised.. please God.. help me..

I hate rainy days

Bye Bye

Moving on.. (deep sighful breath..)

i have been an idealist for as long as i can remember..
i tried reading between the lines..
and i may have read beyond what is in between whats in between..
i may have over looked everything..my beliefs are so useless and meaningless right now..
i always thought I'd stand by them forever..but no matter how much you love someone..
you can't hold on to something who doesn't want to stay..
you can't make someone love you..
you can't make things better even if you totally and hungrily want to..

God..thank you for freewill..
it's kind of tricky and ironic at some point though..
but still..
no regrets..
it's better to have loved and lost..than to have never loved at all..

my baby made her point..
i don't want to..
but i guess i have to..
i love the person so much..
and if letting go means proving just that..

then goodbye my life..

I'm gonna miss you..

by the way..
this one's for you baby..

It feels like a lifetime,
A thousand days have passed by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live againI need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for rightNow you're so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I'll always stay

Baby, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, kwikz
'cause my sun doesn't shine,
Sun doesn't shine without you

This is more for me than for you
Babe, I finally see there's no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you

And what we share I can't forget
Babe a love like yours I'll never let just slip away
Just promise that you'll stay

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you're so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Pah, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, kwikz
'cause my sun doesn't shine,
Sun doesn't shine

Have you ever seen a flower that never blooms?
Seen a starless night without the moon
Well that's me without you
So come back and turn my nights into days

Len, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, baby
'cause my sun doesn't shine,
Sun doesn't shine without you

and i know when it's real

i'm dEfiniteLy a sUcker fOr somEone so cRazy aboUt mE

I'm broken today

I hurt all the time. What difference does this one make? Nothing, I presume. It's just been a lifetime routine for me to be broken and hurt by people I trust my heart with. I shouldn't fuss about it. I should gladly accept my fate. I'm gonna make like Ghost Rider and burn here on earth.

"I'm gonna take this curse..and use it against.."

Who?..Nobody gave this curse to me. God certainly didn't will for me to be broken today. I brought this upon myself. I learned that we all have choices. God made sure He couldn't meddle with His own gift of freewill.. or did He?.. Hmm.. God is really smart you know.. Anyway, We make who we are (with God's guidance, of course). I believe I can go on and live a free life with a big heart armour and protection from any possible heart invader or conqueror.. I believe I can break as many hearts as often as I chose to.. I believe no one can hurt me or break me.. I believe I can love as many as I want to.. Heck, I can be a temptress and a tease for all I care.. if only I would chose to.

And yet, I chose to love one person. I chose to reject all who may possibly treat me like I was their life. I chose to close my doors to possible growth and self-fulfilment because I thought I was loved and that I couldn't ask for more. I chose to be humiliated and put into scandalous situations because I thought every fight was worth the togetherness. I chose to accept the fact that I will never be a number one priority..ever. I chose to be taken for granted and accept the love given with a lot of conditions and ifs.

I believe we can have anything we want if we would just put our mind and heart into it. I don't believe the saying "if it's meant to be..then it's meant to be.." What I truly believe is that WE MAKE OUR DESTINY.. if things fail.. it's because you didn't want it bad enough. Hunger is the key. But why do I feel like all the forces of nature is trying to tell me that, all the things I believe in is a whole lot of cr*p?! Can't we really have what we want mommy nature? I beg to differ. Pride is the only thing that keeps people from getting what they really want..and I seriously don't have that in my system. I crave, I plea, I kneel, I cry and I beg as my last resort to getting what I want. And before I even force myself into my last resort, I make irresistible offers such as love, patience and I'd even stand up and fight for you..against anyone..ANYONE!

God, maybe that's my problem. Maybe I give too much of myself to the one person I chose to be with and that they can't find any challenge from me. Well if that's the case..I probably chose to be a loser. Who wants a loser?! A loser who is all out for you and would probably give you anything she possibly can.. Someone who will risk her life for you even though she is the one who needs to be saved.. Someone who will be there for you whether you like it or not.. Someone who will protect you even if you don't need protection.. Someone who would always want to wake up beside you every single morning of your life and wouldn't care about how you looked.. Someone who will love you until you grow old and starts growing a lot of gray hair..
That is probably the kind of loser that I am.. and who wants that?

None that I want..

Whatever.. Who cares anyway.. See yah..

Scorpion Bite

I was stung by a scorpion nung Saturday while nagsh-shopping kami ni Eri sa Cartimar. I checked out this shoe..eh meron pa shang newspaper inside..kaya tinangal ko. Eh meron pang isa sa dulo sa loob..dinukot ko..ayun..dale! Tagos ang pagkaka tusok sa middle finger ko. Ang tinde ng sakit! Gusto kong umiyak but I have no strength to. Mahilo-hilo ko sa sakit. Blood was all over the floor at talagang pinipisat ni Eri ung finger ko hanggang wala ng blood na lumabas, kaso, tuloy tuloy pa rin yung blood. Mejo malaki kasi yung scorpion. kasing haba siguro ng isang Nokia 8210..la kasi ako maisip na comparison eh. Yup, malaki nga sha. I was then brought to the nearest hospital which is Pasay General Hospital. Nurses attended to me immediately. They asked some questions na nasasagot ko pa kahit namimilipit na ko sa sakit, until nahilo na ko ng tuluyan. They got me a wheelchair. Oh, diba? OA na? But honestly, that’s what happened. Umabot na kasi sa shoulders ko yung pain. Ganun kasakit. They injected me with something twice sa knuckles ng middle finger ko. May konti akong naramdaman but it was worth it kasi mas matindi yung sakit ng sting, and eventually, nabawasan yung pain. Nawala lalo yung pain nung narealize ko na we were in the ER at ma-spot naming ni Eri ang isang guy na sabi pa..

“Doc, may saksak po ako..eto oh..”

He lifted up his shirt at kitang kita naming yung wound na parang hiniwa ng blade na may blood sa loob. I wanted to run out from the hospital pero sabi nung nurse sakin. I-wash ko daw muna yung sting. Oh edi sige! Tapos pag punta naming ni Eri ng sink, grabe naman ang blood doon na nag clog pa. Ay Caramba! Kahit mahilo hilo pa ko, I washed my hands looking up the ceiling, then hurried out sa benches. Lumapit na si doc na di ko man lang nakuha yung name. Balik daw pag may problems.

Thanks doctor.

Ayun, umalis na kami. We even had time to eat sa Greenich.

Hay..What a weekend that was for me. And you know what? Before that awful day, I was having LBM pa. I’m a little bit dry na from all the water discarding my body is doing.l I can’t drink H2O kasi I will run sa CR afterwards. Haay..kawawa naman ang baby. Dami ko pa pimples from puyat. Nevertheless..dami pa rin nag mamahal sakin in spite of my misery. Nakakatawa lang mga nangyari sakin this weekend. And besides, there’s a lot more things I should be thankful for diba? Like the other day..sobrang kati ng likod ko pati ng tummy ko. Hala..nung kinamot ko..kakaibang satisfaction ang naramdaman ko. I thank God for the wonderful feeling scratching an itch give. I thank God for yawning and stretching and a goodnight sleep. I thank God for laughter. I thank God for my life and the continuous comfort and protection He gives my family, Eri and people I care about everyday.

Thank you Lord..for everything. I love you.

Ayos ba?

Nag GM yung schoolmate ko. She asked..

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

I answered..

Well then..I guess, you'd have to be a political figure..or a really rich person who made a difference to the world. A person who is hindering the kniving plans of an evil mastermind.

Pag-babago!

Grabe..ayoko na nga mag english. Wala namang nag babasa ng mga post ko. Who do I have to impress ba? Ni wala man lang nag co-comment eh. Hay..from now on I’m going to write how ever I chose to do it. Mula ngayon..magtatagalog na din ako..

So? Anung gusto kong sabihin? Hmm..ah..alam ko na..

Kanina ang sakit ng puson ko..every guy na ka-officemate ko na naka spot sa pamimilipit ko ng katawan sabi ba naman sakin..

“Oh, bakit ganyan ka? ”
“Sakit puson ko eh..”
“Ah..mag-kakaron ka na..inom ka maligamgam na water..”

Yaks..how can they be so comfortable telling me that. And, ako nga di ko alam about dun sa water eh. Ako tuloy yung nahiya. Pero ang galling noh? Sobrang lawak ng pag iisip nila para ma absorb na merong dugo na lalabas sating mga girls every month. Wahaha!! Wala lang..natatawa lang ako. Sabi pa nung isang employee ditto last time sakin..

“O, bakit may pasa ka?! Meron ka noh? Yung misis ko ganyan din pag may Reg** eh..konting sanggi mu lang..hala..ayan na ang mga pasa.”

HuWhaat?!! What a word!?! Babae nga ako..pero..hoyst! Ang term naman..hehe
Kung sa bagay..kanya kanyang trip yan. Siguro lang, hindi nila ko Makita as miss-eew..i don’t make tusok tusok to the fishballs..as in..heller..as in..like..eeww..type of girl. Hay nako..it's tough minsan being a girl..lalo na kung hindi pang girl ang mga trip mo. Ako kasi, I least like yung mga sobrang pa-girl stuff. Yung para sakin O.A. na..like pink gamit tapos terno pa lahat. Ayoko ng terno terno, pati partner mo ka-terno mo? Okay lang kung halos parehas lang kayo ng shade ng color. Yung isa lighter brown and the other, dark brown, pero yung exactly alike..haha..mag-sasayaw ba kayo? Ayoko din ng lip gloss kase parang may sebo sa bibig. I dont fancy yung mga to the highest level na heels, heavy-gat na earings. Hay..di na kasi girlie like yun eh..mga pang drag queens na yun eh. Not that there's anything wrong with drag queens or anu man. Sakin lang naman yan =p

Diba there are other ways para magpa pansin diba? And believe me..kung innate na ang appeal..kahit naka yuko ka..may papansin at papansin sayo. No need for extra effort. Kung wala naman pumansin sayo..Paki alam ba nila.. mahal ka naman ng nanay mo, ng kapatid mo, ng grandpa and grandma mo..basta meron jan..Nasaan man sha.We don't need them..

Oops..sorry..asan na ba ko? Ayun na nga. Teka..sakit ulet puson ko..rest muna ko ah..Bye-yay!

hmm

I thought you should know

I may be soft spoken, patient and submissive most of the time, but I'm not stupid! I know a lot more than you think you do..I can do damage that may injure you for the rest of your insignificant lives!

I value respect more than anything. So if you can't give them back..then eat sh*t psycho!

What might have been

My eyes are swollen from crying everyday the last week. I was so sure of things that I wanted to do. So sure, that everything confused me to the fullest. Huh?! Okay, that couldn't possibly have made sense but let me narrow things down. Everything was going along fine; my job, my life, friendship, my love life. Everything was A-OK, until I heard the song What might have been by Lou Pardini. It was a heck of a confusion smashed on my face all of a sudden. I can't even begin to explain things now. Lets see... I'm not having any affair..Check! I'm not in love with anyone but Eri..Check! So how is this song a grand invention to confuse the crap out of me? Before I even came to this A-OK life that I am having, I was a girl with a solid sense of direction. Which is probably to nowhere..hehe. I was a carefree babe who loves to take my time and enjoy everyone..I mean..everything that is happening to me. I still do part of those things, but everything has limits now. But in spite of all these debonair life I was leading, I have consistent dreams. I remember when I was younger, I wanted to become a lot of things. At some point, I wanted to become a nun. You know the Pink Sisters Convent? That's where I wanted to be.

I also wanted to become a lawyer. My father told me I should be one. He said I have reasons for everything and that I argue a lot..hehe. I guess it's cos I just want to be consistent with my beliefs.. (oops, another justification)

I wanted to become a preschool teacher. I still do. I'm so attached to my inner child. I wanted to be with kids; play with them, tease em..stuff like that. I think I'm gonna be great with kids. I could hear them calling me..Teacher Ann! Teacher Ann! hehe..

But most especially, I wanted to fly. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to go away and meet everyone. I wanted to be in different continents, except maybe Antarctica, I least like the cold weather. Anyway, I was so sure of that and pretty much very cocky that I'm headed there any minute then. Until, I stumbled upon my Eri--Everything that I thought, I did not want. I couldn't believe it. But the first time we kissed..was the very day that I knew, I could never ever live a day without that person. I let everything around me fall apart..uy! Just like those lyrics in one of our songs Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship. I really did, let everything go. Cos I know that following those dreams would not really compromise my being away from my baby.

This is my choice right?..to be here with the person that I love instead of the rivaling dream. But lately, Eri and I haven't been able to spend a lot of time together. And when I say A LOT, I mean once a week? C'mon. That's not right! After six years of being used to seeing each other everyday for every week of the month..being unable to stand being far away from each other, and then flunking to JUST A DAY IN A WEEK??! That’s a lot to handle.

Nwyehk..Finally, I've gotten used to the idea after months of painful adjustments. But just recently, I heard Lou Pardini. Somehow, that fella gave me a rude awakening. I realized, I wasn't happy. I was somehow, incomplete. Something in my supposedly A-OK life was okay, cos I was blinding myself to make everything seemingly fine. Something big missing surely needs to be there.

***I love you Kwikz. Don't make things more complicated for me. I chose to be with you, please make things worth it for me.***

A couple of tests results

You're a Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is all about following your urges You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ENFP)

Your personality type is enthusiastic, giving, cautious, and loyal. Only about 8% of all people have your personality, including 9% of all women and 6% of all men You are Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

Your Passion is Purple!

You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve. If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through. But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack. You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.

***That is me we're talking about..yeah! Cute psych test I found browsing the net. Took some of them and I just couldn't stop. Posted the answers, as if some would actually care bout them. Take em too fellas. http://www.blogthings.com/

I'm addicted to videoke

***I love to sing-along. Minsan sablay, minsan naman..dale! Overall..it's all good.

On my sidebar, I posted a list of some of the songs I surely love to sing..bwahaha! Sing with me! Just right click on the song and then select open in new window.

I enjoy being goofy. I love to be happy and have fun. I'm not that great a singer, frustrated somehow. Baket ba? Human rights dude. I have the right to sing and you have the right to listen.. or probably..stuff cotton in your ears otherwise. Ah basta.. I love videoke! =p

Moments with and without you

***Ain't it a good morning indeed? I missed writing here. That's cos my Internet settings have been disoriented whatsoever..can't edit my blogs. Musta? I have been having a very dull week..nothing much to do..nonetheless, I'm good. No heavy pressure whatsoever. I hate pressure..it's stupid and stressful.

Lately, I have been thinking about the love of my life. We don't spend that much time with each other anymore. I miss Eri. By the way, Eri means my protector in Japanese language..nihongo, I think. I'm kind of starting to ignore na lang sha, kasi lately..Eri is often out with so-called friends..okay, co-workers. They are always out on a drinking spree..work daw eh..kaylangan makisama. I understand naman, but along with it..napipikon ako cos I think that those times should be spent with me na lang kasi instead..kaya un. Yoko na lang muna sha kausapin during weekdays. I don't want to be pissed every time "nakikisama" sha with them. I want to take everything easy. Kasi pag ako eh naging irrational talaga ng sobra, baka mawalan sha ng work dahil sa ka kulitan ko. We both need the money pa naman. We’re saving up for a lot of things eh, and we need to start somewhere good. And if I'll be myself about that matter, it won't be good for the two of us..hay..

I love Eri so much. I'm so happy naiintindihan nya ko kahit papano. Sinusuyo nya ko all the time kahit through text lang. Last week Eri gave me a bracelet. It is pretty. I appreciate it so much, kahit I think, pag pumipili sha is because yun ang taste or like nya for herself, probably. I love my Baby even if di nya minsan alam what I would have preferred instead..hehe. Minsan nga pag bibigyan nya ko ng gift, bibiruin ko sha and I would say.."uuy..Thank you..patingin..wow! Favorite mo to ha..ang ganda.." hehe. But in spite of that..I love and love Eri even more. See, when I give something sa kanya of my choice, talagang ma a-appreciate nya all of them and eventually, loves them pala talaga or at least that's how I sense it ha. Another thing that I love about my BabyLove is pag nag kwento na sha ng story namin to everyone..how we began and how talagang so0obrang proud sha telling them. May halo pang kilig..nakakatuwa. Even after years, Eri still feels that way..all giggly and mushy about the idea of our beginning..

I have a lot of happy memories with Eri, in fact. I just don't know where to start, and even though we may have had a heck of a roller coaster ride in our relationship..I don't care..I mean, I do care a little bit..but that is not what is really important to me. What matters is that I couldn't go on a day of happiness if I'm not with my baby..you know what I mean? Come to think of it..I love roller coaster rides..literally! I remember when we went to EK a couple of times? Baby this with you right here..This is the best one ever! Wohoo!

Kidding aside, I’m happy we are gifted and blessed enough to make things work for the two of us..despite our flaws.

HEY YOU!
The fact is, I'm so much missing you. It's terrible..but you see, I can't let this ruin my days without you. I have to anticipate the days spent with you with love and understanding, so that we can make every moment count. And you know what? I would not trade what we have for anything else. I love you so much..and I'm looking forward for a lifetime spent with you. Mahal na mahal kita Quickie. Ah basta..bala ka sa buhay mo! Ewan ko teo!