Just what I thought

Why do I care? I have to finish this before I fall completely apart and drown into situations far too complicated to be fixed. I didn't got my wish for Christmas, but at least I get to hear the voice. I couldn't talk.. Quite palpitating and grasping for air.. I wanted to say so much but my breath was running out on me. An hour late after midnight.. a minute of connection.. Quite a lot longer hours of tear-jerking..
The first time I ever got a "sorry" was because the person didn't hear the call and wanted me to callback. I did called back but unable to verify the voice.. I didnt' trusted.. How could I.. I'm too afraid to face everything.. I wanted to talk to her.. but things would crush me down.. IThe feelings were far too strong.. I could not contain it.. I know what I have to do.. but I have to compose myself first.. I will let go eventually.. I just have to learn how to take the first step.. And what might that be? Admit that it is game over.. Dead end.. Check mate.. Nothing that I do or say or even feel and think.. Could change anything today.. I lost this time.. No one who loves me enough could let me win for this year. Have to accept everything.. Look forward for a new tomorrow.. Christmas was ruined.. Could not let New Year be ruined too.. Have to close this one this year..

I promise myself.. I will be better.. I will be happy for the sake of the people who still loves me.. By the way.. Thanks for my friends who were there for me until midnight.. You touched my heart.. Big time.. It migh not show.. Since I haven't got any good sleep lately.. And my head is aching.. real bad.. I've got to say.. I appreciate everything..
I'm sorry for my break downs lately.. I'm just so full of fear.. And I have to face those fears before I completely lose myself.. I don't know how? I don't know when? But I have to talk to her.. Face to face.. So when we go on our separate ways.. All the feelings.. Would leave aswell.. I need to gather my strength.. I have to let go..