CHANGES *please stop scaring me*

Everything around me seems to be changing so fast.. It's really scary..

An old friend from highschool has been keeping in touch with me.. Noticed though that she has become all involved in religious stuff and she has this new image and it's very sweet.. Not that I didn't liked her before.. I liked her, a lot actually.. Her craziness.. Her teasing and wild ways.. Her being loud.. Kinda mellowed down a bit, I would asume that I wouldn't be able to play with her anymore like we used to.. metaphorically, that is.. But anyway.. I did browsed her pictures up.. I can see how she's so happy with her life right now.. I admire her, let me tell you.. She went through a lot during highschool.. Lost her mom at a very young age, not sure as to how she lost her dad.. Crazy rumors bout her.. Which usually happens if you're one of the best.. A lot would look down on you even if you are so damn close to perfection.. Rumors that came from people I grew up calling my friends.. Turned out, also did a couple ones on me.. Anyway.. My old friend.. She's pretty much the real deal.. She can sing.. dance.. she's witty.. she is very good at almost everything.. And she's pretty too.. best of all, she cranks me up.. hehe.. Kinda lost touch over the years until, recently.. With the way she talks to me and reading her shout outs.. She did changed a lot.. I'd like to talk to her again.. about life.. about everything.

Someone also called me up earlier today. I didn't know why I answered.. I was a bit hazy, I guess.. We talked for a couple of minutes. It went well I can say.. A little laughter and quite a bit of almost.. hmm.. whatever popped out.. He also shared a bit about his health.. Made me sad, just thinking about it now.. His life.. his health.. depends on his lifestyle.. He can't do a couple of things he used to, which by the way, involved a lot of fun, carelessness and.. I'd say craziness too. I remembered spendin sober moments with him.. I really didn't cared much about myself.. All I wanted to do is drink and get drunk.. and pass out. He took me home everytime though.. Took good care of me for a moment there..

A lot of things surely changed.. It's like a whole new world every second.. Have these changes paired up with memories.. God.. So heavy.. Can't handle em.. Bad.. Are they some sort of evil doings or something.. Cos anything that's heavy in the heart surely is a work by something else.. Only the toughest survive.. The weak, either, runs away from em.. or just cry cos there's nowhere else to go..

Tears.. surely a sign of weakness.. And a smile.. may be a sign of strength.. or so believed to be.. I heard that tears are unspoken words.. Hmm.. ang daldal ng mata ko then.. If all things must change, then I would need to learn to move and run faster so I can catch up.. I would need to learn to speak louder so I can be heard.. I need to be firm with my decisions so I don't go by running around them.. Baffles me though.. How come I seem to stand by my beliefs and not by my decisions.. they are supposed to be intertwined right? Hold it.. Brain jammed..

Thought about complications and then everything went.. sfjiefrofshfakashfkshfks0riewoiwu

I'm thinking, what I know often defies what I believe.. What I do is often based on them said beliefs.. I don't always trust what I believe so I stand by what I think is right.. Which often turns out to be wrong.. I know it's wrong cos it hurts.. I really need to stop complicating things.. Just cos others are unpredictably predictable, doesn't mean I have to take their.. hmm *what am I going to use as an alternative for b*llsh*ts?*.. misdoings?

hay.. need a rest..

I'm sorry..

Resolution 2010

The New Year started and I have failed to pick out resolutions for myself.. They've always worked out for me.. Gota fix things.. Again.. Hay.. I'm all covered with sh*t.. It's not too late though, right? Hay.. Many times I've wished to become a better person.. Like right now most especially.. this little life right here.. She's depending on mine..

I recalled days ago, I was so furious with my father.. We had a lil argument and I was so furious.. Someone's also calling on the phone.. What a mess.. I left Riane for a second to release my anger.. and when I got back, she was at the edge of the bed.. She turned over.. Just right there.. She could have fallen.. God, I cried so hard.. I was so sorry and my brains just exploded.. the thought of what might have happened to her.. all because I was so full of fury.. All these hate.. all this contempt.. It might hurt her.. I can't be emotional all the time just because people are jerks.. I'm gona kill myself if something bad ever happens to her because of my carelessness.. I have to be strong.. I can't take chances when it concerns the little one.. I guess I have to accept that unlike some lucky ones.. I'm surrounded by people who, if not are selfish pricks and a-holes.. are people I am forced to deal with whether I like it or not.. and even though I love them.. and they too loves me.. somehow.. they are as human as I am, and every once in a while.. they'll mess up and they just wont give a f*ck about others.. including myself..
*Deep heavy sigh..*

How can LOVE..a supposedly wonderful feeling, destroy a perfectly sane being.. I know, I am not all that, but, I would have made it just on my own.. I'm such a weakling.. How do you think will I be able to withstand all these nerve wrecking situations I am caught up with all the time.. I'm not that competitive pa.. Not that I'm a quitter or anything like that.. I guess, I figured.. what's the point of battling it out.. If it's meant to be.. Then be it..

Anyway.. This is the life I was given.. Tried building walls.. just aren't too thick enough.. Tried to avoid trouble.. been putting myself into too much of em.. Tried to fight the rest off.. turns out.. I'm just the regular Popeye without mi spinach! And the market's out of spinach.. Silly aren't I.. There's no way of getting around em boguses.. So instead of complaining non-stop.. I'm just gona have to come up with a better action plan.. This time, I'm gona TRY to really work it out.. here goes..

RESOLUTION # 1 REFRAIN FROM USING THE F WORD WHEN YOU BLOG and all em other cuss too.. Come to think of it.. When did I ever learned to say bad words.. When did I stopped? I did stopped.. Hmm.. In my defense though, I don't really say em out loud.. I just write em down.. Anyway.. gota cut it out too.. Enough with the bad mouthing

RESOLUTION # 2 WAKE UP EARLY AND BE PUNCTUAL
haha! Seriously.. Who am I kidding? haay.. I kill myself sometimes.. does this one count? okay.. we'll try this one.. hoooh..

RESOLUTION # 3 BE POSITIVE.. IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY

I will try to use the words AT LEAST as often as I can.. Look at everything in its positive angle maybe.. as to the biggest lesson learned from last year.. Never be afraid to take a chance, otherwise, life will happen and the moment will just pass you by.. along with all the good things that may have came along with it.

Riane though, is another story.. She'll always be a positive little thing no matter how worse the situation is.. No questions about my angel.

RESOLUTION # 3 SPEND MAJOR TIMES WITH FRIENDS
I know, I should be socializing.. Will rekindle old friendship too.. Missed em quite a lot.. Who knows.. I might meet the PERSON of my dreams through them.. *person?* hehe.. And yes, I know.. I wont ever turn my back on my little one.. She's my life.. But like any other, I too have my own lil needs.. Will build new bridges too.. And friends are truly God's way of saying, I never left you.. Huhu..

RESOLUTION # 4 WORK ON TRUST ISSUES

Basically, what I need to work on is.. myself, I think.. I need to trust myself.. Trust that I can handle manipulation.. Trust that I have the power over my emotions.. Trust that I shall not fail.. Trust that I will never ever trully be alone.. For I am and forever will be the emblemed in the hearts of many who ever shared a breath of air with me.. *Huh?.. Anu na sinasabi ko?* Trust.. hmm.. TRUST? owkei.. Trust then.. I should stand by my principles.. Oh and shoot.. don't let em silly songs affect your mood.. Memories are really evil noh? They are teases.. They play with your mind.. And I have a dirty mind pa naman..

RESOLUTION # 5 GO ON WITH THE ELIMINATION PROCESS

There's no reason why I should hold on to silly thoughts and what ifs and what might have beens.. Most especially when they are draining out the fluids from my brain. Let em silly thoughts go!

There's no point of waiting for the right one.. If by chance I spot someone I really like.. I will go for him.. Grab him by the neck and kiss the sanity out of him.. or her.. If he turns out to be a jerk.. So what? They can all be jerks sometimes.. If he turns out to be a good guy.. That would be great..

Uhh.. I'm not that liberated.. haha.. Good thought though.. good thought.. I'll consider it for a really really worthy fella.. or felony.. huhuy.. Not even.. Joke lang.. Nevertheless, I have discretion over my actions.. Responsible choices.. I hope I don't get another.. who'll waste me again.. us..

I don't know how to continue..
I just went blank.

oUr fIrsT cHecK uP tOgeTher

Went to the hospital yesterday for my baby's first check up.. And a follow up for me too. We were waiting in line right there and I saw an old woman on a wheelchair.. She's really old and was staring at Riane. Her weak eyes were seemingly wondering as to God knows what ever it is that she's thinking about.. Somehow.. the old lady seems to stare with emptiness.. I really don't know how to describe her stare.. It's like.. hmm.. a blank look.. She's on her chair and she's just looking at my baby.. The ironic thing is, when I leaned over to Riane.. She was staring back at the old woman.. only.. my Riane's eyes are very expressive.. It's like.. she's transmitting messages to the lady.. I duno.. Riane's probably hypnotizing her or something.. The thing that baffles me is that, Riane seemed to have a lot more going on inside her innocent little mind than that of the old lady's. My mom mentioned days ago that when she looks at Riane, she sees an old soul in her.. Eeew.. Sounds creepy.. Mom even said that she's like me when I was little.. We both seem to know what's going on around us.. Hmm.. No clear point.. Or I may have forgotten.. I think.. I don't remember.. It made me think.. Are we still who we are when we were younger? Do souls move from one body to another? Feelings.. are they the soul passing through our body? Anyway.. Just sharing some thoughts.. Deep.. I know.. ;)

My aNgeL's HaLo

I like Beyonce's Halo.. My angel Riane is the very first person I thought about when I heard the song.. She's my everything.. The rest just don't f*ckin matter now.. Isn't it amazing what a little baby can do to you.. Especially when the baby is yours.. She's right here beside me and I'm missing her already.. Just got to smell her breath and kiss her cheeks.. She's the source of my strength.. I wonder.. Does she get weak kaya everytime I try to replenish my strength? Hmm.. Di naman siguro.. Angels don't run out of positive energy diba..

One thing that bothers me though is the single thought of this.. one person.. That single thought disconnects me from everything good that's left in my wholeness.. Everytime the person enters the back of my mind.. I lose it.. I get disoriented and I tend to break down.. I was wondering how I can fight it off.. How I won't be affected by all that freaking force that pulls me down everytime.. I can't always bring my angel with me.. I have to work.. I have to grow too as a person.. Hmm.. I guess all I need is a full body and soul makeover..

How do I start then? They say one should always start within.. Yup.. Check.. I'm doing that.. I'm on the right track I guess.. I have isolated myself temporarily from everyone and I am slowly.. gently trying to pick up and compose myself.. I try to sleep when my angel is asleep.. Hmm.. I should be resting right now.. Sorry.. Can't help it.. Had to write this.. Baka makalimutan ko na naman.. Where was I? Oh, right.. I'm also eating three times a day.. I take a bath daily na rin.. To cleanse all the negative aura in me.. Oh goodness.. Was that a confession right there? Oh noh.. Hehe.. So wrong.. Let me re-phrase that.. I take a bath TWICE daily.. Believe me, you.. non-existing reader!

Anyway.. Kinda making me smile about how I was so silly and jealous during my pregnancy.. Right, I know.. I was the most stupid pregnant woman.. The most stupid person for that matter.. God, though, has been really so good to us ni baby Riane.. He took good care of us both in spite of all my craziness..

Lord.. I'm sorry po ah.. I've been out of line and yet.. You understood my stupidity.. You were there beyond my childishness and irrationality.. Forgive me Lord.. I wasn't patient enough with myself.. (tear jerkin..gota kiss her,need to go to the source of my strength..hang on a sec)

There.. Fully regenerated.. She cried though.. Funny thing about my little Riane.. There are times na maputi sha and there are times na she's all red.. When she's furious or hungry, I guess.. She's nangingitim.. Hehe.. She changes color.. =) There are a couple of manerisms too that's like that of her father.. Hmm.. Not too thrilled to talk about that.. Oh.. Her umbilical chord fell off last week.. Wow.. It's amazing how I'm witnessing everything about her.. First teardrop.. First laughter with sounds.. First funny face caught on camera.. Haay.. Can anyone explain this smile on my face.. God.. Getting in touch with my mominess.. And another thing.. Breastfeeding-SUCKS.. haha.. I mean, the pain.. it's just unbearable.. Had to endure all that with the thought that she'll grow up smart and healthy.. and pretty..

I was so full of sh*t.. My jealousy and insecurity got the best of me when everyone knows I'm the fairest of them all.. Hehe.. *may reklamo sa baranggay*

teka.. my head is aching.. and my back too..

I am Bionic *just need some new batteries*

New Year Scenario..
He left.. I cried a little.. I damped a little of this.. Where's that thing.. This Eryhromycin on my eyes.. Sa baby ko yun eh.. She endured from my delivery a little.. parang rashes sa eyes.. Ayun nga.. I placed it on my eyes para hindi halata na umiyak.. Trip lang.. Hala.. Namaga lalo.. Twas like I cried for five months.. Haha.. like i didn't?.. Anyway.. Should have taken a picture.. Kadeers.. Natawa tuloy si Ekok..
I was in my room, internet connection was lame.. Just opened my window.. My Riane is asleep, thank God.. I was up all dawn because she kept crying.. Maybe she can feel my pain.. Haha.. Crappy song.. I like the background..

"Every night I cry myself to sleep, thinking why does this happen to me. Why does every moment have to be so hard? Hard to believe it.."
"It's not over tonight. Just give me one chance to make it right. I may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you.."

I'm really stuck in the past.. Listen to me.. I sound so pathetic.. Recently.. I noticed that I am only when this f*cking L word is involved.. I'm not so right in the head when I'm in-f*ckin-love.. That, or maybe I'm not supposed to be.. Or maybe I haven't found my match yet.. The one person who can pretty much handle me.. Right on the neck.. Yeah.. My man.. My strong tough man.. Someone who knows what he wants.. Someone who doesn't give up that easily.. Someone who's gona scare the crap out of me.. (yhaks, babui).. Scare tactics not in a form of a threat but cos you respect the person too much.. for the fact that he stand by his beliefs and principles and that he respects yours too and does not contradict you all the time for them silly said beliefs.. A man of his words.. Someone who understands my undesiciveness and who is capable of pointing out my mistakes without making me feel bad about myself. Someone who lets me win even though it is obvious that I'm losing.. Oh and here's my favorite.. Someone I could make out with for the rest of our lives.. Hmm.. Well.. Until maybe we can.. haha! Goodness.. I'm in a f*cking fantasy world.. These are the exact b*llsh*t that I've been holding on to since I could remember.. The same b*llsh*ts that gets me into trouble on the first place.. The reasons why I'm broken all the time. Should I stand by a world full of things none mentioned above.. I'd be called a cynic.. Should I live in the world of the ugliest truths and try to show them to other people, I'd be a negative thinker.. What should I do? Play it like it is..Toy with stupid men.. Or women (haha) who thinks they can do anything to other people.. Me in particular.. Huh? Take all the crapy things they have to give you and pretend it's okay?
My sisters and I were having our little chit chats the other day during breakfast and they saw my eyes were all swollen again
"Anoh? Umiyak ka na naman?!"
"Hindi noh.. Puyat lang.."
"Masukista ka noh?!"
"Puyat nga lang.."
" blah blah blah.."
Haha.. And we had our debate and they were making fun of me.. They said I enjoy pain.. I'd go for things that is painful and that I wanted to keep harmful people in my life.. ones who injures me emotionally.. They think I like living in the ugly truth.. When there is also another thing called the beautiful truth.. And that I should only settle for those.. They think I'm intentionally hurting myself cos it satisfies me.. In silence, they made me tell myself..
Maybe.. I should lay out all the things that would make me happy and that if other people won't buy them.. I should then sell it to ones who would..

(Hmm.. Tama ba? English kasi ko ng english eh.. Tagalog naman usapan namin.. haha)

"Masukista ka nga! haha! Hirap ka to let pain go"

"Bakit ba gusto mong nasasaktan ka.."

"Oo nga.. wala ka namang problema, gumagawa ka eh.."

I told them..

"Probably, the same reason why Belle loved the Beast.. cos she believed that somewhere within all the ugliness outside.. there is a bit of goodness that lies within.. At saka Beasts lang nakakasalamuha ko eh.. Bakit ba"

Ayan.. taglish kami ng mga sisters na suzette..

And the debate goes on until siningit na naman ni Mami yung pang chi-chix ni Tatay.. so we all had to leave the table.. Hay..

I guess all's fair in love and war.. I read a couple of articles a while back.. I figured, one is always allowed to be deceitful or lie so just to get the person one truly loves or desire.. I on the other hand, am always on the losing end when caught in situations as such.. I'm not very good with competitions.. Most of the time, I tend to be misled. Another thing is that, i often try to dodge or avoid situations that may lead to the L word even though my whole soul is so much attracted to the idea.. I tend to defy my heart.. this stupid heart has always been to much of a coward since.. since the last time it got shattered into pieces.. (arte).. The truth is, I usually do everything to win a person's heart too.. I beg.. crawl.. even court em and please em.. Whatever it takes dude.. But then.. I have gotten used to the idea of heartbreaks.. It's the same old story and crap.. I'm sick of it.. I also have problems with people leaving.. I don't like endings.. I don't enjoy goodbyes.. I cry when it is parting time.. I don't enjoy being the one left behind.. Huhu.. Up until now.. Quite mastered the cynicism towards Hellos and quite frankly, I'm sick of myself being this way.. Loving people secretly.. (nyaks..prang stalker dating haha!) What I meant to say is.. I'm sick of being a coward.. Sick of all these fears getting the most out of me.. I should fight like there's no tomorrow (fight-love).. Heck yeah..

to be continued..