My Very Own Twilight Story

"I sTiLL dReAm oF a fAirYtaLe eNdiNg.. bUt wHaT I wAnT iS nOt A pRinCe cHarMinG wiTh a miGhty sWord nOr A kNighT oN a dAsHiNg wHiTe hOrSe.. bUt a VaMpirE.. wHo gOt oFf fRom eiThEr A sHinIng siLvEr VoLvo.. oR a TaXi cAb.. -RoAn- ♥/♥"

I just finished watching Twilight. Perfect movie that defines how I love. You know how the movie mentioned.. When vampires start to fall in love..They never fall out of it. That is how I am. I love, forever.. And I can not wait to find someone whom I could share this strong emotions with. I tend to be very clingy and protective of the one I love. I want someone just like Eward Anthony Masen Cullen.. for I can be the Isabella Marie Swan who will want to be with that person for eternity.. up to the point of losing everything I own.. Even become someone I am not supposed to.. so just to be with my other half.. the one who would complete me..

Call me dreamy and stupid.. I don't care.. I thought that person came. But I was wrong.. The heart belongs to someone else.. I'm being unfair to myself.. And it's hurting my friends.. My family doesn't know.. I'm sorry dear ones.. But I could not control who this heart would pick.. I never forced myself to fall.. I just did.. And as much as I wanted to opt out of this.. I don't know how.. I'm far too scared.. I asked God to cut the cord.. But somehow.. He wouldn't..

My head is aching.. and I don't want to be sick.. I'm scared to learn the truth.. I'm shaking.. I don't want to let go.. But I have to.. I wanted to be happy with her.. But God is making it difficult for me.. The more I fight it.. The more it hurts..

When will my VaMpiRe come.. Rescue me soon.. Take a bite..

You probably don't know it yet.. But here's why you'll miss me..

A normal girl would say...I love you so much...
Roan would say.. I love you more than my life..

A normal girl would say...Bye.. Take care
Roan would say.. Hurry back to me..

A normal girl would say...I can find someone better...
Roan would say.. No one will ever come close..

A normal girl would say...No one will love you like I would...
Roan would say.. There's none that I'd rather love but you..

A normal girl would say...I miss you...
Roan would say.. You've taken half of myself with you..

A normal girl would say...I want to be part of your life...
Roan would say.. You are my life now..

A normal girl would say...Don't leave me...
Roan would say.. I wont ever leave you..

I will wait for you my very own version of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen..

Just what I thought

Why do I care? I have to finish this before I fall completely apart and drown into situations far too complicated to be fixed. I didn't got my wish for Christmas, but at least I get to hear the voice. I couldn't talk.. Quite palpitating and grasping for air.. I wanted to say so much but my breath was running out on me. An hour late after midnight.. a minute of connection.. Quite a lot longer hours of tear-jerking..
The first time I ever got a "sorry" was because the person didn't hear the call and wanted me to callback. I did called back but unable to verify the voice.. I didnt' trusted.. How could I.. I'm too afraid to face everything.. I wanted to talk to her.. but things would crush me down.. IThe feelings were far too strong.. I could not contain it.. I know what I have to do.. but I have to compose myself first.. I will let go eventually.. I just have to learn how to take the first step.. And what might that be? Admit that it is game over.. Dead end.. Check mate.. Nothing that I do or say or even feel and think.. Could change anything today.. I lost this time.. No one who loves me enough could let me win for this year. Have to accept everything.. Look forward for a new tomorrow.. Christmas was ruined.. Could not let New Year be ruined too.. Have to close this one this year..

I promise myself.. I will be better.. I will be happy for the sake of the people who still loves me.. By the way.. Thanks for my friends who were there for me until midnight.. You touched my heart.. Big time.. It migh not show.. Since I haven't got any good sleep lately.. And my head is aching.. real bad.. I've got to say.. I appreciate everything..
I'm sorry for my break downs lately.. I'm just so full of fear.. And I have to face those fears before I completely lose myself.. I don't know how? I don't know when? But I have to talk to her.. Face to face.. So when we go on our separate ways.. All the feelings.. Would leave aswell.. I need to gather my strength.. I have to let go..

iT's His biRthDay

Don't forget to greet The Birthday Boy!
God bless us all..
Merry Christmas Everyone..
Gona miss it this year..
Been crying the whole day..
Can't stop..
Gona spend it at work..
Can already see myself walking papunta work later..
Alone and crying.. =')
Missing everyone..
Wawa naman ako noh.. hehe..
Yakap po.. ='(

Param beybi ba ku..

I like Leigh Nash as an artist.. She's so pretty and I like her voice..

This Christmas season.. I like her "Wishing For This" song.. Sobrang soothing and malambing.. Parang ako.. Noh??..

But you know.. I was really tear-jerkin when I heard Monica's "Grown-Up Christmas List".. Couldn't help it.. I liked every line from the song.. It's so selfless.. and Got me cryin like a baby.. The rest of the songs in there.. sa playlist ko.. Yung mga may title na "All I Want For Christmas.." la lang naman.. Kase.. I want a partcular someone for Christmas.. None else.. But I can't po eh.. I have to stay away...................

Wanna liste to my playlist? It's all posted sa fs ko.. copy paste na lang po sa ip address box this one right below..

->http://profiles.friendster.com/81761818<- check em out kei.. ang cute pa ng page ko..

Goodnight seyo.. Pasok na ko..

[Have to work Christmas Eve.. sad noh.. La ku family sa work..]

(Sob) . . .

...................

my heart has been sh*t out of it's luck.. in spite of all the fears.. crying has been a f*cked up habit.. wanna make things better so bad.. only one good thing I ever could need.. but would one do it for love.. or for a little dose of serenity.. i don't know..

®

I still want you.. but as much as I want to be with you.. i just can't have you in my life anymore.. i love you too much.. and it's really painful.. and i just can't look at you the same way.. knowing what happened..

®

I've forgiven you.. and i know that with just a look.. the feelings would grow even more.. and i can't do that.. i just can't have myself be broken by you.. over and over again..
®
I've always thought that we should be together.. but I was wrong.. we can't hurt each other anymore.. i know that when i see you again.. i would hug you.. so tight..

..so tight that it would feel so right.. but then I wouldn't be able to let you go.. and i can't do that.. cos the truth is going to kill me.. and I'm scared.. cos i know i will take you back.. and i don't want to do that.. cos i can't bare to lose you again..

®

i still want you.. and i know I will love you until I die..
but I've learned to face.. that you're not with me anymore..

My heart is with you still.. but I have to be away from you..

for I'm safe here.. loving you from afar.. where you can't hurt me anymore..

..no one's ever gonna protect me.. but myself alone..

®

..even though we're not together.. no matter who you're with.. as long as you're here.. in this world.. alive and safe.. I'm happy with that..

®

Baby.. I pray for you all the time.. and I just have to say.. there's not a day that passes by.. that I don't think about you and I..

®

......i miss you......

Sa totoo lang

Everyday I go to work from 12am up to 9am. I take a bath for long hours and I walk around everywhere afterwards. If I get the chance to drink with my co-workers, I grab it and I stay at the workplace for long hours, until there is no one to talk to anymore. I get two hours of sleep the most and I rarely stay at one place without doing anything. I seldom sleep in my room and I take my naps downstairs where there is a lot of noise from the television.

Before I sleep and upon waking up I puff yosi. I can finish a packet at one sitting and I started drinking coffee even if I don't like the thing.. I'm quite addicted to it actually. I keep myself busy and I don't want to talk to people who doesn't say much because I tend to tell my story.. and they seem to be very interested with it. I watch CSI and Suspense Movies and a lot of Sci-Fi's and I try to avoid romantic flicks or even movies with a bit of a sentiment in it. I secretly get offended by the most petty jokes about broken relationships and even if they were not addressed to me, I get so confused in an instant. I comment on happy stories of my peers so vaguely.. about their love life.. their dates and how I secretly envy couples who has been together for more years.. I secretly shrug at people who get heart-b*tch-broken over years of commitment ending real bad.. Huh!? Ganun.. Ewan ko rin eh.. I'm under a lot of stress and sa totoo lang po.. ang sama na ng pakiramdam ko.

I tried shopping. It didn't help. Nauubos sweldo ko..and with what? Shoes? Ones I don't even use. I don't want to lend it to my sisters because I tend to place them only for display in my room for admiration purposes. I wear them a lot inside the house as I walk around doing nothing at all.

I bought my favorite perfume..the best in the world for me.. but could I even consume two of them at a time? I bought some gifts for my friends and I was so f*cking hesitant and fearful during the purchase because I felt they would not appreciate what I would give. My best friend though, made it clear to me..that she loved my gift. I know she did liked it.. cos I did too. Wow.. that one was a big deal for me. It kind of eased out the confusion and tension for moment in time.

However, I don't wanna go to work anymore. I'm so tired. Even if I'm not doing anything..tears starts to fall down my face. Silly thing is, at one time, while I was working.. and talking to a client.. Tears started falling for no particular f*cking reason at all. The client doesn't even have anything to do with it. Sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko and I'm quite tired of saying I'm tired. I just wanna drop dead. And literally, my head is aching so badly.. and I feel like I deserve more than two hours of sleep. What's happening to me God? I try to look for other past time but I can't. I want to buy an Ipod but I can't listen to music because it will lead to more pathetic reminiscing and more thinking. I want to buy DVD's.. but I believe there would be more to think about while watching.

I think with all these stress.. I'm soon to fade.. GREAT! I've been real busy.. and I want to get some real rest.. I can't stop moving kase.. I don't want to explore my mind.. It's quite a very dangerous little space and a bit being a hazard to me.

Like the a couple of thoughts right now..

"I never knew.. And after I have found out.. I never messed up anyone's life.."

"So, if that's the case why mess up with my mind..??"

"What more is there to say.."

"Even a little sorry?" *asa ko B*bo! saka g*go wag na!*

"Misser" *why?*

"Bakit biglaan?" *mam*tay kna roan! g*go! tanong ka pa*

"Diba nilag lag sa lahat?"

"Sinira sa ibang tao"

"Why justify everything?"

"Unfair..why not k*ll me instead"

"I want Marlboro Lights.."

"Gusto ko din ng coke..yung malamig na malamig na malamig.."

"Pwdeng cherry coke.."

"Hard feelings?"

None right? No hard feelings.. It's all just a matter of me.. adjusting to a f*cked up situation.. Provided by a f*cked up mind of a f*cked up person who has a 100% disregard for my humanity.

"Never would've trusted you were respected.."
"What could've been if I never fell.."

"Would I feel as much pain"

"Would I loved as much.."

That's life.. You win some.. You lose even a lot more.. And some f*cking weakling like me couldn't do anything about it..

"If I die.. would I ever go to heaven?

I wrote down my passwords on my Blank Book.. YM's Imeems, Friendster.. as well as the one from my Locker at work..

"I am humbled.. a couple of times.."

"Humiliated.. a lot of times.."
"Disrespected.. by the one person I ever.. truly loved.."

"Lost gambling.. once again.."

I know I said I'm not good at betting on anything.. I always lose when I gamble..

"All I want for Christmas is you.."

A peek inside my mind
I don't want o think for now..

Name that phobia

I was actually looking for a perfect definition of how I am feeling. I wanted to write an article about it.. but I am not fully composed. I am out of my mind and grasping for a clear breath.. but I could not grab anything sensible. I could not compose a thought. Only adjectives.. Feeling so much betrayed.. in a couple of angles..

I lost 6,800.. Someone stole from my account. I worked hard for it. Why do I lose things I work hard for. Things I invested in.. Am I that stupid.. I'm so sick.. I know I can trust my family.. and friends.. But why can't I just trust everybody with my life..

Maybe that's my talent after all. See.. I was wondering what I was actually ever good at.. A special field that I actually excel on.. Found it!! Allowing others to take take advantage of me.. Not in a sexual way.. haha.. I'm so great at losing stuff..

I got broken again.. Maybe I wasn't fixed after all.

I lay in bed all day... all night.. I didn't wanted to move. I was so confused and really helpless.. Why would somebody want to steal from me.. Maybe cos I give a lot.. and they would not think I would mind.

Will this ever end.. haha! I'm quite sick of this.. It's like having a third eye.. only.. it is open not for ghosts.. but for foulness.. pain.. abuse.. rudeness.. mean people and bad manners.. lies..

I am very naive.. I'm weak!! I could not think of revenge.. I take everything.. Hard blows and kicks.. And I know, that with just a sweet lie.. one sorry.. a touch.. a hug.. FORGIVEN!

Very soft..
Fragile..
Such a woos..
A freaking baby!!
(helpless.. a lot of fears.. shattering body.. trembling hands.. in constant pain.. tears)

I'm just quite tired though.. Seriously, I am.. really quite sick of you all.. What have I done to you? Mabuting tao naman ako ah.. Kunin nyo yung di importante.. Ako pa mag hahatid sa inyo..

Teka.. Tanong lang.. Masarap naman ako bumawi diba..
Nakakasawa kayo.. Hilo na ko..

I guess I'll just have to laugh about it.. There are things in this world that I can't do anything about.. or maybe there is.. I'm just not aware of the good ones to do.. and there are a lot of obvious bad ones but I just chose not to be mean.. Cos if I did.. God would really hate me.. And I know how He rewards kind people.. I would not want Him to smite me..

But honestly po.. Pagod na ko.. Gusto ko na lang po matulog.. Lagi..
Name that phobia.. and continue to live with it anyway..

Ann.. Please.. Enough already..

Sh*T i hate this.. Calling the name again.. MISSING HER!?! ayoko na neto.. why won't it go away.. i hate this.. are you crying again Roan.. no.. please.. STOP NA.. why can't you just move the F*Ck on!! You're stup*d.. Mag isa ka lang dito.. YOU'RE STUP*D! Why won't you just die.. Mam*tay ka na ROAN.. ANG T*NGA MO!!! Baket ba?? Ano ngayon kung Holidays? T*NGA!! B*BO!! Anung paki alam nya sayo!! Like it would matter to anyone that you're like that! Kilala mo sha diba? Why are you still here ROAN! You're STUP*D!! F*CKING STUP*D B*TCH! DROP DEAD STUP*D B*TCH!! T*NGA KA ROAN!! M*MATAY KA NA!! That person will never.. ever have a heart for you.. The beast will always be A BEAST!! You should've known that from the start.. You should've never ever hoped that there is goodness inside that person's heart for you.. Umasa ka even if you knew all along.. Let go Ann.. Please.. Why are you still here.. Fairy tales aren't real..

I'm sorry Lord.. You know how I feel.. i can't let go.. I'm holding on too tight.. and it's bleeding.. a lot.. but i don't seem to notice.. please cut my hands.. let me let go.. I'm not safe here.. no one's protecting me.. cut my hands Lord..

(not my hands God.. figuratively speaking lang po.. *iyak-tawa*)

jUsT bEiNg mY siLLy seLf

They say that if you contain your emotions, you may explode..
Scientifically, I heard something of the same sort.. Something about a law of physics or.. I don't know.. I just can't remember exactly what it was.. but anyway.. I don't really care.. I've acted more stupidly before.. what difference does saying this matters anyway.. paki nila right.. this is what I feel eh.. wala naman akong inaagawan.. I did everything to fix things.. But the person left anyway.. Ganun talaga.. You win some.. You lose some.. Can't wait for the right one Lord.. Sus! Ala naman.. Eh.. eh.. ka-tagal..

I'm losing my social life.. Puro work.. work.. work.. La naman prospect sa work.. Outside sa work ala din.. No butterflies in my tummy.. Puro hangin lang ang laman.. Kaka yosi.. hehe..

Miss the feeling of being inlove.. But the question is.. Was I ever IN-love? hmm..

Kaylan kaya sha darating.. Yung meron talagang striking kilig factor.. One where in everything is reciprocated.. One where in masasabi namin parehas sa ibang tao..
"I'm so lucky to have this person in my life.."
"This is the one.."
"Perfect combination.. Match made in heaven"
"Could not ask for anything more"
"Happy together.. Forever..
Yung tipong napapangiti even for no reason at all.. Just because naiisip namin isa't isa..
Yung totoong for Eternity and Till death do us part kind of love..
Yung wala kaming sabit sa past the time na mag tagpo kami..
As in both single and clear na lahat ng history..
And the future.. haaaahhy.. Just right..
Yung masaya cos the person is yours and at the same time scared din.. cos it might all go away.. But we know it wouldn't.. and we cry because we're so happy..

Ang dreamy ko.. Is that even for me Lord.. Puro fake kasi yung dati.. Best words to describe them..
OUCH.. Excellent Lessons..
What are your plans for me po.. Matigas talaga ulo ko.. Parang di natututo.. Pero Lord, if I may ask of you.. Ayoko na po ng tests.. I will wait for my soulmate.. I won't be in a hurry.. Pero I will anticipate everyday that I come closer to meeting the one for me.. My Knight.. in his shining armour.. Kung pwede po naka BMW pag dating nya.. hehe.. Biro lang po about the car..
I hope you bring that person to me na.. Kahit naka jeep lang sha or naka trycicle.. hehe..

I know it's going to be grand..
All the pain..
All the waiting..
I'm so sure it's all worth it..

Lord..
Kaw po huh..

Excited na ko makilala sha.. Nu kaya ginagawa nun ngayon..
(kinikilig ako..hehe..)

Subic

Went to Subic last saturday with my friends..almost 4 hours ang byahe. I didn't know I would be comfortable away from home.. single and uncontrolled. But for the second time around, I was okay with it. The first was when I was in Batangas. I guess that's what comes along when you are being loved and cared for by the people you are with during those uncomfy times. I gotta say. When I was in Batangas, I was so much having fun..so much.. maybe because I have people who wanted me to have fun.. but not in the way that I wanted to nga lang.. hehe.. I had some restrictions non, but that was the best way of having fun right.. yung mga pa-takas.. mejo vulnerable kasi ako during those times and I really wanna let it out on someone.. but in a good way. My best friends were very protective of me and later on ko na isip na.. Haay.. Basta..

In Subic, I had a great time too. I got carried away.. washed away.. by the waves.. Ang saya.. I had so much fun.. *I just hope they know that* We went to an island and it was picturesque and romantic sana.. If only inlove ka diba.. I was kinda wondering why I was not crying. Last time kasi nung nasa Bicol ako.. I cried so much.. May pa hikbi-hikbi pa.. param bata.. I really wanted to go home dati.. Kasi, I felt like I should be spending those moments with someone who has my heart.. This time kasi.. there's no one to go home to.

I had to go home though.. My lola Pinay celebrates her 80th birthday. I actually was not supposed to stay overnight in Subic, but I was kidnapped.. Again.. Ang sweet talaga nila.. Don't you just love it when that happens.. Ramdam mo na your friends want to be with you.. Anyway, I had to cut my trip short.. Family matters eh..

As I was on my way home.. I realized I was alone. Waaaahhh.. It was actually my first time to travel that long.. and alone.. I was literally crying in the bus. I texted everyone and I was telling them how much I love them and how I treasure their friendship, I was texting my mom and telling her how much I wanted to be home right at that moment.. I had time to think! I don't want to think! I get very sentimental and serious when I think! I get to be very smart and sensible when left alone with nothing to do but think! ALONE! I don't like sharing stuff with MYSELF! Five hours of flash-backs and you couldn't do anything about it.. I couldn't even sleep because I was up-front on the right side, in a two-seater spot.. with nobody beside me but my cherry coke, my chicken noodle soup and my baggage.. there was no t.v. and the road was lit only by the headlights of the bus.. everything outside was dark and the only person you see is the driver and there wasn't even anybody sitting across my left side.. it was torture! I just wanted to punch my face! I was irritating myself! I was a hazard to myself! I hated it! I hated travelling alone!

Breathe girl.. Hmmm..

At last.. we reached the city.. And there were lights.. haaahh..
My comfort zone.. My haven.. Noisy places and irritating sounds produced by the jeepneys and bars.. It's much better than silence..