My Christmas Gift

I'm currently in my room. Still in pain due to the stitches endured from my baby's delivery. I can't believe I had her on Christmas day.. December 25th.. I actually had the bleeding by 3am.. Went to the hospital immediately.. My mom, my sister and the baby's dad was with me.. Upon arrival, a wheelchair and a male nurse was waiting for me cos I called in, prior to that.. I wasn't feeling anything painful at the moment.. Was brought to the 2nd floor so for the doctors.. nurses to examine me.. 1 medical something.. still a long way to go, so, I was sent home.. I was kinda sleepy from the Noche Buena so I rested.. I remember waking up 9am cos of some tummy ache but didn't paid much attention to it cos I was still sleepy..I slept some more.. (Shoot.. this is really uncomfortable.. The stitches are aching..)

I woke up 10am.. I felt like I need to pee.. Just right there.. Just when I was about to get up.. (I had to roll over cos my belly is on the way.. hehe..) my water broke.. Everyone kinda panicked.. I didn't.. I got worried a bit cos I heard I was supposed to feel something painful shortly after that water-breaking thing.. Hmm.. Anyway.. So we're back on the hospital, right? 2 medical something.. I was lying there until 3 pm, waiting for something to happen.. Nothing.. So.. They had to induce me.. They injected a couple of stuff in me which by the way was kinda.. Goodness.. I can't stop talking but this stitches.. Ouch really..

Started this blog last evening.. It' already 11:25 of December 30.. Can't move around.. It's either I'm standing up or lying helplessly in bed.. Currently on my side.. like that of a mermaid.. I'm typing without looking at the monitornor the keyboard cos I'm feeling a bit dizzy.. (talented..hoo-hooh!) Oops.. Hang on a sec.. My shoulders are really hurting too.. Gotta rest.. Gota lota tell yah.. Be right back..

And there I go.. it's already 14:43.. Had my lunch and found a good sitting position.. Anyway..where was I? Hmm..

Oh, right.. The nurses and doctors were all so sweet and all but they weren't ready for us.. They thought I'd be having the delivery by 9pm.. Haha.. Was kinda tellin them in the nicest possible way.. LALABAS NA SHA.. DOC PLEASE.. they said.. hold it. breathe through your mouth.. Don't bite your lips.. Do this.. And that.. And oh God.. I was literally disoriented and I couldn't describe the feeling when I was in intense pain and was being reprimanded to control them! H*ll F*ck!! I screamed NATATAE NA KO and what magic word would make them push the bed so fast towards the delivery room.. Saw them running around like crazy people.. I literally felt like pooping.. I pushed once and then asked..

"Is the baby out na doc?
"Uhuh.. Hanggang shoulders"

I pushed the second time.. Walang sabi sabi.. Haha.. Didn't even thought about the doctor catching it whatsoever..
Then.. I heard her.. She cried for the first time.. Saw them took her to the table nearby.. Para kong nag aabang kung sinong artista yung gaganap sa pelikula.. Suspense.. Excited.. Anxiously waiting.. And I couldn't really help it cos I was so weak.. My eyes they slowly shut.. But then, I felt something on my chest.. When I opened my eyes.. I saw another pair looking at mine.. Nakita ko sha.. Her pretty little eyes.. They seemingly were asking..

"Are you okay momie?"

I remember her face.. Eto yun oh.. Sa baby ko.. She's sleeping right now.. God it was really amazing.. I would gladly relive that over and over again.. I don't care about the pain.. I love her so much..

It's really ironic, cos last Christmas.. I was actually asking for someone in particular.. Just now, I remember how I felt then.. It was really painful.. The need to be loved.. the attention.. the constant bugging-me moments that only one person whom I thought could give me all those.. Wasn't given to me.. To add insult to injury.. The person was given to someone else.. This year, I thought He would give me two.. I was really confused.. I asked for a sign for I may be mistaken.. I said to myself.. If my baby would be born on this specific day.. Then I won't be afraid to make my move.. I won't be afraid to be rejected.. I won't be afraid to fight for that person.. I won't be afraid to look stupid.. I won't have any fears at all.. I'll do everything to win em back.. Whatever it takes.. But I guess, God says otherwise.. He gave something else entirely different.. A gift I will forever be thankful for.. I have her in my arms a while ago.. Now she's downstairs..

Teka.. She's here.. They brought her back up.. hehe..

Breakdown

I'm scared.
So terrified.. I think I'm gonna lose it.
I don't wanna lose it.
I wasn't supposed to do this alone..
Was I supposed to?
Tell me it's all gona be okay..
I'm so scared..
I don't want to blame anyone..
I should know what to do..
But I don't..
Yet

God I'm scared..
Really.. I am..

Besy's Birthday

Great Morning.

Went to my bestfriend's birthday party last night and saw everyone again..well..almost everyone..there are a few missing in action..but nonetheless..it was great. I missed them so much..but on top of it..I missed myself. That wasn't me on the party. I sat there as a stranger to myself. I din't know how to act around them. I didn't know how to talk about myself. I was literally blocked. I'm not always like that. I couldn't even look people in the eye. I don't know how to answer questions. I'm stupid. Haha! They asked me a lot of questions that I don't have any answers to. Or questions that would lead to tears. Haha..I think they noticed. Cos they keep coming to me and kept asking me..How I was or how things are going on.. But I was too pretty for them.. Hehe.. I could easily distract them with my fake smiles and my
"eto..okay naman.. masayang masaya.. ikaw kamusta ka na.. Kamusta si ano.."
You know how people wants to talk about themselves..You just have to know how to give it to them. Afterwards, I'll get the BESTEST compliments..
"Ikaw ang pinaka magandang buntis na nakita ko.."
"Hindi ka tumaba noooh..grabe.."
and here's the kicker..
"Ang swerte nman ng ASAWA mo!"
ngiting aso ang takteng to! Shoot me! Haha!

Food was great though.. Happy Birthday Besy.. Yun lang po muna.. =)

There's nowhere to run to

Everywhere I go, there's always complications. I don't want to ask, cos I know I won't get any answers. People won't even leave me alone to let me cry even for a second. They'd ask why. They'd reprimand me from doing so. We're just freakin tired. I can't hide. I can't even release my stress. Why do you have to ask. You can't help me anyway. Why won't you jerks just leave me alone!?

Everywhere I turn to.. Nothing seems to fit. I can't breathe.. I don't want to ask.. I just want to be okay. I'm not even asking to have everything perfect.. I just want to be okay.. Cos I'm not..

God.. It may seem like I'm staying away from You.. I just feel like I can't handle your tests right now.. I'm sorry.. I just don't have the patience to fight it all off.. I'm really sorry.. I just want to be happy before she comes out.. But I just can't seem to be.. I don't know why.. No matter how hard I push myself.. I just can't.. And she's taking everything.. I'm so weak.. I've never been this helpless before.. I hope she's okay..

I'm finding ways to distract myself, really.. Every little thing seems to hurt me.. Every little detail seems to be so big a deal.. I'm not always like this.. I can't seem to do anything.. I can't talk to anyone.. Cos all the things I usually talk about seems to make no sense at all.. Even to myself.. It's funny.. But.. What's wrong with me..

I don't understand myself.. Am I dying or something..
God don't let me go yet.. I have so much more to do.. I haven't even figured out my purpose.. I haven't even touched lives.. I know cos people haven't been very grateful lately.. That's why I know I'm still useless.. I can't die yet.. I haven't' done anything grand yet.. All I do is cry and cry and cry.. I'm so pathetic.. I'm a pathetic pregnant person.. I chose to be alone.. No one understands.. Or at least.. None of them who I wish would understand me, nderstands me..

What kind of journey did I embark myself on? Maybe it's all my fault. God.. What do You want me to do? What are You trying to tell me? I don't understand. I'm off track.. I'm not sure anymore.. Am I supposed to be this way, cos I think I did tried to embrace all the pain and confusion and foulness that's been happening to me.. It still didn't worked out.. I don't know.. God I'm so clueless.. I don't know anything.. I know I'm not supposed to know everything.. But.. What's happening.. I don't have any control..

Can you sense all the pain and confusion along with it?
I don't know what to do..

Searching for guidance.. Help me Lord..