and i know when it's real

i'm dEfiniteLy a sUcker fOr somEone so cRazy aboUt mE

I'm broken today

I hurt all the time. What difference does this one make? Nothing, I presume. It's just been a lifetime routine for me to be broken and hurt by people I trust my heart with. I shouldn't fuss about it. I should gladly accept my fate. I'm gonna make like Ghost Rider and burn here on earth.

"I'm gonna take this curse..and use it against.."

Who?..Nobody gave this curse to me. God certainly didn't will for me to be broken today. I brought this upon myself. I learned that we all have choices. God made sure He couldn't meddle with His own gift of freewill.. or did He?.. Hmm.. God is really smart you know.. Anyway, We make who we are (with God's guidance, of course). I believe I can go on and live a free life with a big heart armour and protection from any possible heart invader or conqueror.. I believe I can break as many hearts as often as I chose to.. I believe no one can hurt me or break me.. I believe I can love as many as I want to.. Heck, I can be a temptress and a tease for all I care.. if only I would chose to.

And yet, I chose to love one person. I chose to reject all who may possibly treat me like I was their life. I chose to close my doors to possible growth and self-fulfilment because I thought I was loved and that I couldn't ask for more. I chose to be humiliated and put into scandalous situations because I thought every fight was worth the togetherness. I chose to accept the fact that I will never be a number one priority..ever. I chose to be taken for granted and accept the love given with a lot of conditions and ifs.

I believe we can have anything we want if we would just put our mind and heart into it. I don't believe the saying "if it's meant to be..then it's meant to be.." What I truly believe is that WE MAKE OUR DESTINY.. if things fail.. it's because you didn't want it bad enough. Hunger is the key. But why do I feel like all the forces of nature is trying to tell me that, all the things I believe in is a whole lot of cr*p?! Can't we really have what we want mommy nature? I beg to differ. Pride is the only thing that keeps people from getting what they really want..and I seriously don't have that in my system. I crave, I plea, I kneel, I cry and I beg as my last resort to getting what I want. And before I even force myself into my last resort, I make irresistible offers such as love, patience and I'd even stand up and fight for you..against anyone..ANYONE!

God, maybe that's my problem. Maybe I give too much of myself to the one person I chose to be with and that they can't find any challenge from me. Well if that's the case..I probably chose to be a loser. Who wants a loser?! A loser who is all out for you and would probably give you anything she possibly can.. Someone who will risk her life for you even though she is the one who needs to be saved.. Someone who will be there for you whether you like it or not.. Someone who will protect you even if you don't need protection.. Someone who would always want to wake up beside you every single morning of your life and wouldn't care about how you looked.. Someone who will love you until you grow old and starts growing a lot of gray hair..
That is probably the kind of loser that I am.. and who wants that?

None that I want..

Whatever.. Who cares anyway.. See yah..

Scorpion Bite

I was stung by a scorpion nung Saturday while nagsh-shopping kami ni Eri sa Cartimar. I checked out this shoe..eh meron pa shang newspaper inside..kaya tinangal ko. Eh meron pang isa sa dulo sa loob..dinukot ko..ayun..dale! Tagos ang pagkaka tusok sa middle finger ko. Ang tinde ng sakit! Gusto kong umiyak but I have no strength to. Mahilo-hilo ko sa sakit. Blood was all over the floor at talagang pinipisat ni Eri ung finger ko hanggang wala ng blood na lumabas, kaso, tuloy tuloy pa rin yung blood. Mejo malaki kasi yung scorpion. kasing haba siguro ng isang Nokia 8210..la kasi ako maisip na comparison eh. Yup, malaki nga sha. I was then brought to the nearest hospital which is Pasay General Hospital. Nurses attended to me immediately. They asked some questions na nasasagot ko pa kahit namimilipit na ko sa sakit, until nahilo na ko ng tuluyan. They got me a wheelchair. Oh, diba? OA na? But honestly, that’s what happened. Umabot na kasi sa shoulders ko yung pain. Ganun kasakit. They injected me with something twice sa knuckles ng middle finger ko. May konti akong naramdaman but it was worth it kasi mas matindi yung sakit ng sting, and eventually, nabawasan yung pain. Nawala lalo yung pain nung narealize ko na we were in the ER at ma-spot naming ni Eri ang isang guy na sabi pa..

“Doc, may saksak po ako..eto oh..”

He lifted up his shirt at kitang kita naming yung wound na parang hiniwa ng blade na may blood sa loob. I wanted to run out from the hospital pero sabi nung nurse sakin. I-wash ko daw muna yung sting. Oh edi sige! Tapos pag punta naming ni Eri ng sink, grabe naman ang blood doon na nag clog pa. Ay Caramba! Kahit mahilo hilo pa ko, I washed my hands looking up the ceiling, then hurried out sa benches. Lumapit na si doc na di ko man lang nakuha yung name. Balik daw pag may problems.

Thanks doctor.

Ayun, umalis na kami. We even had time to eat sa Greenich.

Hay..What a weekend that was for me. And you know what? Before that awful day, I was having LBM pa. I’m a little bit dry na from all the water discarding my body is doing.l I can’t drink H2O kasi I will run sa CR afterwards. Haay..kawawa naman ang baby. Dami ko pa pimples from puyat. Nevertheless..dami pa rin nag mamahal sakin in spite of my misery. Nakakatawa lang mga nangyari sakin this weekend. And besides, there’s a lot more things I should be thankful for diba? Like the other day..sobrang kati ng likod ko pati ng tummy ko. Hala..nung kinamot ko..kakaibang satisfaction ang naramdaman ko. I thank God for the wonderful feeling scratching an itch give. I thank God for yawning and stretching and a goodnight sleep. I thank God for laughter. I thank God for my life and the continuous comfort and protection He gives my family, Eri and people I care about everyday.

Thank you Lord..for everything. I love you.

Ayos ba?

Nag GM yung schoolmate ko. She asked..

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

I answered..

Well then..I guess, you'd have to be a political figure..or a really rich person who made a difference to the world. A person who is hindering the kniving plans of an evil mastermind.

Pag-babago!

Grabe..ayoko na nga mag english. Wala namang nag babasa ng mga post ko. Who do I have to impress ba? Ni wala man lang nag co-comment eh. Hay..from now on I’m going to write how ever I chose to do it. Mula ngayon..magtatagalog na din ako..

So? Anung gusto kong sabihin? Hmm..ah..alam ko na..

Kanina ang sakit ng puson ko..every guy na ka-officemate ko na naka spot sa pamimilipit ko ng katawan sabi ba naman sakin..

“Oh, bakit ganyan ka? ”
“Sakit puson ko eh..”
“Ah..mag-kakaron ka na..inom ka maligamgam na water..”

Yaks..how can they be so comfortable telling me that. And, ako nga di ko alam about dun sa water eh. Ako tuloy yung nahiya. Pero ang galling noh? Sobrang lawak ng pag iisip nila para ma absorb na merong dugo na lalabas sating mga girls every month. Wahaha!! Wala lang..natatawa lang ako. Sabi pa nung isang employee ditto last time sakin..

“O, bakit may pasa ka?! Meron ka noh? Yung misis ko ganyan din pag may Reg** eh..konting sanggi mu lang..hala..ayan na ang mga pasa.”

HuWhaat?!! What a word!?! Babae nga ako..pero..hoyst! Ang term naman..hehe
Kung sa bagay..kanya kanyang trip yan. Siguro lang, hindi nila ko Makita as miss-eew..i don’t make tusok tusok to the fishballs..as in..heller..as in..like..eeww..type of girl. Hay nako..it's tough minsan being a girl..lalo na kung hindi pang girl ang mga trip mo. Ako kasi, I least like yung mga sobrang pa-girl stuff. Yung para sakin O.A. na..like pink gamit tapos terno pa lahat. Ayoko ng terno terno, pati partner mo ka-terno mo? Okay lang kung halos parehas lang kayo ng shade ng color. Yung isa lighter brown and the other, dark brown, pero yung exactly alike..haha..mag-sasayaw ba kayo? Ayoko din ng lip gloss kase parang may sebo sa bibig. I dont fancy yung mga to the highest level na heels, heavy-gat na earings. Hay..di na kasi girlie like yun eh..mga pang drag queens na yun eh. Not that there's anything wrong with drag queens or anu man. Sakin lang naman yan =p

Diba there are other ways para magpa pansin diba? And believe me..kung innate na ang appeal..kahit naka yuko ka..may papansin at papansin sayo. No need for extra effort. Kung wala naman pumansin sayo..Paki alam ba nila.. mahal ka naman ng nanay mo, ng kapatid mo, ng grandpa and grandma mo..basta meron jan..Nasaan man sha.We don't need them..

Oops..sorry..asan na ba ko? Ayun na nga. Teka..sakit ulet puson ko..rest muna ko ah..Bye-yay!

hmm

I thought you should know

I may be soft spoken, patient and submissive most of the time, but I'm not stupid! I know a lot more than you think you do..I can do damage that may injure you for the rest of your insignificant lives!

I value respect more than anything. So if you can't give them back..then eat sh*t psycho!

What might have been

My eyes are swollen from crying everyday the last week. I was so sure of things that I wanted to do. So sure, that everything confused me to the fullest. Huh?! Okay, that couldn't possibly have made sense but let me narrow things down. Everything was going along fine; my job, my life, friendship, my love life. Everything was A-OK, until I heard the song What might have been by Lou Pardini. It was a heck of a confusion smashed on my face all of a sudden. I can't even begin to explain things now. Lets see... I'm not having any affair..Check! I'm not in love with anyone but Eri..Check! So how is this song a grand invention to confuse the crap out of me? Before I even came to this A-OK life that I am having, I was a girl with a solid sense of direction. Which is probably to nowhere..hehe. I was a carefree babe who loves to take my time and enjoy everyone..I mean..everything that is happening to me. I still do part of those things, but everything has limits now. But in spite of all these debonair life I was leading, I have consistent dreams. I remember when I was younger, I wanted to become a lot of things. At some point, I wanted to become a nun. You know the Pink Sisters Convent? That's where I wanted to be.

I also wanted to become a lawyer. My father told me I should be one. He said I have reasons for everything and that I argue a lot..hehe. I guess it's cos I just want to be consistent with my beliefs.. (oops, another justification)

I wanted to become a preschool teacher. I still do. I'm so attached to my inner child. I wanted to be with kids; play with them, tease em..stuff like that. I think I'm gonna be great with kids. I could hear them calling me..Teacher Ann! Teacher Ann! hehe..

But most especially, I wanted to fly. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to go away and meet everyone. I wanted to be in different continents, except maybe Antarctica, I least like the cold weather. Anyway, I was so sure of that and pretty much very cocky that I'm headed there any minute then. Until, I stumbled upon my Eri--Everything that I thought, I did not want. I couldn't believe it. But the first time we kissed..was the very day that I knew, I could never ever live a day without that person. I let everything around me fall apart..uy! Just like those lyrics in one of our songs Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship. I really did, let everything go. Cos I know that following those dreams would not really compromise my being away from my baby.

This is my choice right?..to be here with the person that I love instead of the rivaling dream. But lately, Eri and I haven't been able to spend a lot of time together. And when I say A LOT, I mean once a week? C'mon. That's not right! After six years of being used to seeing each other everyday for every week of the month..being unable to stand being far away from each other, and then flunking to JUST A DAY IN A WEEK??! That’s a lot to handle.

Nwyehk..Finally, I've gotten used to the idea after months of painful adjustments. But just recently, I heard Lou Pardini. Somehow, that fella gave me a rude awakening. I realized, I wasn't happy. I was somehow, incomplete. Something in my supposedly A-OK life was okay, cos I was blinding myself to make everything seemingly fine. Something big missing surely needs to be there.

***I love you Kwikz. Don't make things more complicated for me. I chose to be with you, please make things worth it for me.***