What might have been

My eyes are swollen from crying everyday the last week. I was so sure of things that I wanted to do. So sure, that everything confused me to the fullest. Huh?! Okay, that couldn't possibly have made sense but let me narrow things down. Everything was going along fine; my job, my life, friendship, my love life. Everything was A-OK, until I heard the song What might have been by Lou Pardini. It was a heck of a confusion smashed on my face all of a sudden. I can't even begin to explain things now. Lets see... I'm not having any affair..Check! I'm not in love with anyone but Eri..Check! So how is this song a grand invention to confuse the crap out of me? Before I even came to this A-OK life that I am having, I was a girl with a solid sense of direction. Which is probably to nowhere..hehe. I was a carefree babe who loves to take my time and enjoy everyone..I mean..everything that is happening to me. I still do part of those things, but everything has limits now. But in spite of all these debonair life I was leading, I have consistent dreams. I remember when I was younger, I wanted to become a lot of things. At some point, I wanted to become a nun. You know the Pink Sisters Convent? That's where I wanted to be.

I also wanted to become a lawyer. My father told me I should be one. He said I have reasons for everything and that I argue a lot..hehe. I guess it's cos I just want to be consistent with my beliefs.. (oops, another justification)

I wanted to become a preschool teacher. I still do. I'm so attached to my inner child. I wanted to be with kids; play with them, tease em..stuff like that. I think I'm gonna be great with kids. I could hear them calling me..Teacher Ann! Teacher Ann! hehe..

But most especially, I wanted to fly. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to go away and meet everyone. I wanted to be in different continents, except maybe Antarctica, I least like the cold weather. Anyway, I was so sure of that and pretty much very cocky that I'm headed there any minute then. Until, I stumbled upon my Eri--Everything that I thought, I did not want. I couldn't believe it. But the first time we kissed..was the very day that I knew, I could never ever live a day without that person. I let everything around me fall apart..uy! Just like those lyrics in one of our songs Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship. I really did, let everything go. Cos I know that following those dreams would not really compromise my being away from my baby.

This is my choice right?..to be here with the person that I love instead of the rivaling dream. But lately, Eri and I haven't been able to spend a lot of time together. And when I say A LOT, I mean once a week? C'mon. That's not right! After six years of being used to seeing each other everyday for every week of the month..being unable to stand being far away from each other, and then flunking to JUST A DAY IN A WEEK??! That’s a lot to handle.

Nwyehk..Finally, I've gotten used to the idea after months of painful adjustments. But just recently, I heard Lou Pardini. Somehow, that fella gave me a rude awakening. I realized, I wasn't happy. I was somehow, incomplete. Something in my supposedly A-OK life was okay, cos I was blinding myself to make everything seemingly fine. Something big missing surely needs to be there.

***I love you Kwikz. Don't make things more complicated for me. I chose to be with you, please make things worth it for me.***