Gofdjodkmorkning!

It's a f7jine Saturday.. 5am and my baby's awake already.. She kept on making those very weird noises while I was sleeping.. perhaps to wake me up. Making a lot of crocodile tears.. haha! Rolling over and over and over and over the bed.. Hang on.. she's pkai ff53edx

..pounding on the laptop. She just needs to be where I am all the time.. She runs after me, cries whenever I pass her by.. shows me what she has in her hands and push it in to my face.. she's a cute little darling, really.. very clingy too. I just put her back on the bed.. Gave her toys to bang on the walls.. nope she's crawling down.. and thT SqHQAAAAAAAQan;d lh]ere she is =a=gain9899999

Banging the tambourine and pointing on the screen and making those "ooohh.. huh?!!" sounds.. Oh she's trying to lift the toy chest over her head.. haha! Almost flipped over right there.. oh and sneezed.. twice.. disassembling my celphone.. sneezed.. now she's pushing her face on my face and making those "tah tah tah.. chah chacth" whispers.. I think she's talking to me about somethin.. haha.. she's murmuring and flapping her hands.. hahaha!

And there she sits quietly.. nope.. she's dismantling my celphone again and here she comes.. oh, a scrunchie.. on my face again.. Play time with her sure is fun. What a great way to wake up. I love her so much.

I just came back up from our daily sunshine vitamin. We just had our breakfast too. She took taho, ate pandesal and a little bit of my sopas. She has a very strong appetite. Last night she drank gallons of milk and now she's with her Mama and Dad (grannies).

By the way, I've already planned her birthday party. It's gonna be great! I made the reservations to the restaurant.. It's an RSVP.. hehe.. Also made the deal with the host, the mascot and the face painter. All that's left for me to do is to get the invitations and send them out to my closest friends and family.

Christmas Parties

The people I worked with and I celebrated our Christmas party last Friday somewhere in The Fort. Man. It was awesome. I got really drunk and I was all over my gay friends and we were all having a grand time together. The theme was Viva Las Vegas and we were all dressed in white. It was wicked! Good thing is that there aren't any church like that in Vegas, otherwise.. I may have gotten married right there. Told them not to give me hard liquors and yet.. they pushed it on my throat!! And of course, I just couldn't say no.. haha! We had flaming shots and a lot of margaritas and stuff.. Some I didn't even bothered to ask what's in it.. Just drank em all up and rode with the freakin flow! But then.. I may have been carried away a little bit too far.. See, I'm a beer person and I don't handle my alcohol very well if it's not a light beer.. I get all touchy.. and happy.. and a bit emotional.. and I feel a bit free-spirited in a sense.. Hehe.. Everything is beautiful in the eyes of a drunken little cute me. Haha! After the Christmas Party, we went to a gay bar. Oh whao, it was definitely an experience. A lot of tounge action if you'd ask me, for the gay men I mean.. but it was all good. One of them got a cab for me and they took the plate number just to be sure I get home safe. They were all taunting and teasing me the following working day. I was like.. "Haha! Lasing tayo lahat noh?" and they were like.. "Ikaw lang kaya yun Ann.. Hahaha!".. Yeah, I know I was drunk pretty much all throughout the night.. But hey.. IT-WAS-AWESOME!!

Would you believe Christmas is just around the corners? My batch mates and I are gonna have a Chris Cringle. We're all asked to get an alias. Some went for Baby Ice 17, Danny Mc Coy, Alien Boy, Island Girl, Beach Bum.. I went for Mariyang Makiling and I don't know why I chose her. I wished for a Belle de Jour Power Planner for 2011. I just hope that this person gets me the one from National Bookstore cos it differs from the one in Powerbooks.

We're gonna have our Annual Family Reunion too this December. Riane's gonna be a part of the Chris Cringle this year. Haha! It's gonna be great, I hope.. even with the tampuhan between the oldies. Nope, it's not about money or anything material, just a little misunderstanding I suppose.

We're all set too at home.. The gifts are all wrapped. I may have to do a last minute shopping for my dear friends. Whao! What a tight budget I'm having. And man! I was planning to get a Christmas Tree too but just couldn't find any time to do so. I'm so not proud of the Christmas Plant that my dad assembled years ago! Haha! I mean it's a plant! And that's not how it's supposed to go right? Well, I asked my mom to get one but she kept putting it off and off.

Since I was a little girl, I've always been one of the many who stays up all night on Christmas Eve. I've never missed the Simbang Gabi and I've always hungered for Santa Clause's mysteriously appearing-from nowhere gifts beside the Christmas Tree. I remember how I found out that there is no Santa. I think I was or in between the 2nd and the 3rd grade. I think I was playing hide and seek at home with my sisters.. no, I think I waas just looking for something.. Nope I don't remember what I was doing then.. I recalled though, opening my mommy's cabinet and seeing these wonderful toys. I thought to myself.. "Why would my mom hide these wonderful gifts? She always gives us nice gifts. She would never hide such gifts".. At first, it made me think that maybe she doesn't want us to have any good gifts anymore. Hmm.. I didn't bothered touching it nor playing with it. But then, Christmas day.. Gifts day.. I saw them.. The same gifts that was in the closet days ago. Oh no! Haha! What a tragic day that day, Santa's death.. I killed it for me too.. no more gifts from the fat.. sweet looking guy.. =}

It's funny how as a child we believe so many lies and stuff other people tell us and enjoy them at the same time, and now that we've grown.. we still do.. hahaha! Or maybe.. it's just me.. I am so gullible. It's like I always say.. Fool me once.. shame on me.. fool me twice.. shame on you.. fool me thrice.. shame on me.. fool me.. uhh.. I don't know how to say the fourth.. hahaha!

On the 17th I've been invited to join another Christmas Party. On the 18th, another invite.. There are more.. Oh my, I just gotta say no to all of those. They need to understand that I'm a mom now and spending like crazy isn't gonna work for me anymore.

Resting in pieces

You took me in and cared like no other.. You believed in me like no one else has.. You looked and saw the best in me.. You were all that they could never be..

If one day I realize.. how I've fallen so deeply for you, and by that time you may have already found someone new.. Wishing how you could have been my destiny and that I've let you go for uncertainty.. Then I will dream of you with a smile and a tear in my eye.. Twice as much pain as I am feeling now.. Recalling the days of how I forced my heart not to beat for you.. When you are all that I ever wanted to come true..

I may regret ever turning away from something that may never come again.. But the person you were meaning to have.. can never be whole again.. A part of me is owned and forever will be.. But then again.. it's just so little of me that they could ever see..

I'm hurt for I think I love you.. I'm not sure.. Maybe I don't want to.. I need you.. No I don't.. I'm wounded and I just can't hold you.. I've got to let you go..

I've got to find myself for I am lost.. I am wandering amidst the shadows of my past.. I am torn apart.. I am confused and yet I know what I want.. I want you.. and yet.. I feel empty inside..

I am wounded..
I can't look at you..
For you might just be like the rest who came before you..

I'm not sure..
Maybe I'm just restless..
But I hope you know..
That you're perfect..
Just the way you are..

Thinking about you

When ye'r tempted to lose heart cos love hasn't yet found you..
Remember: Your next "Hello!" could lead to "I do." or maybe "Goodbye.." no one really knows actually.. The great thing, about not knowing though, is the joy of every waking day brings you and the passion along with it.. realizing in a timely manner, how everything happens for a reason.. until one day.. one can finally say.. "I did well.."

Inspired and happy, I guess.. I just couldn't help myself from floating.. And did you ever get that feeling when you just want to shout out the name of a person.. real loud and just.. get your b*tt up and run to wherever the person is and just hug em real tight and then kiss the sanity out of each other afterwards.. and I mean like.. Grrrrrr!!!! Raarrrrr!!!! Ughh!! Hahaha!!

I miss em so much.. There's none that I wish for, but all of who and what the person is and has..

Just when you thought you couldn't ask for more,
Someone would come knocking at your door.
Even with all the iron walls fencing your being,
This certain hazard will turn into your liking.
Suddenly hearing yourself hum a different kind of tune
Day dreaming about the crazy month of June
Is there a chance that nothing should go wrong
For I am smiling uncontrollably all day long
Yes, I have been happy too quite a lot of times before,
But all crashed into a pit hauling an uneven score
Amidst all of the pain and betrayal,
One needn't hunger for approval.
For at the end of every day,
Your heart will simply just say..

"Everything feels so good."
*and it does, doesn't it?*

Whenever you take a glance on something that could be
You wonder if it is real or just a silly fantasy
For something so great couldn't possibly exist
And somehow your heart makes it hard to resist.
All the magic unfolding at each and every rhyme
Are all the happiness that couldn't cost a dime.
I am worried and keyed up all at the same time,
Cos something so ecstatic may somehow be a crime.
I can not say it is true love just yet,
Though, being limerent is somehow close to it, I bet.
Luck, if you will look at it and see
It’s all just meant to be, if you’ll ask me
Who would have thought I would get by like this
Anxiously waiting for that next passionate kiss
Blessed, I deem my heart and my whole self
No longer placed on an empty dusty shelf
For a new chapter has begun in my life’s blank pages
So for an untold love story can begin its stages.

Crushed

Hmm.. Bored.. Really dead beaten over boredom..

My tummy has been aching too from indigestion since I've been having so much fun being with this sweet thing who's been feeding me like there's no tomorrow. It was her birthday and I was with her for three days. Amazing. It was like a dream that is happening as things unfold. Thoughtful, kind and selfless, considerate, passionate, a very good specimen who I enjoy kissing and sniffing.. soft spoken, gentle, her hands are warm.. I like holding em.. couldn't sing a tune really but cos she's very easy on the eyes.. I really don't care about anything else.. just looking at her feels like I'm looking at one of God's prime masterpieces.
She was all that I ever wanted.

As much as I don't want to complain though.. I just don't feel so good today. Maybe cos my body of 27 years and 6 months has change. I get tired so easily and I just want to sleep most of the time. I couldn't catch up with fun activities like I used to. When I'm awake, my energy is all focused on my darling baby. Actually, I've gotten so accustomed to being a single mom and I'm not really sure if I want to share my love and attention to any other but my little girl.. and I'm sorry to say that I don't want to share her with any other, but myself. I've learned to let go of every bit of memory that build up false hopes and promises which affected ideals.. and I have learned to embrace all that I have. I've buried the past and I just couldn't handle it if they would come back and haunt me. They just don't matter to me anymore. I wish they would just stay buried. I wish that they would be kind enough to let me enjoy what they have helped me to have become.

Considering all the pressure that I'm being pulled into.. Being surrounded by seemingly great people doesn't interest me at the moment. As much as I appreciate all the wonderful intentions they are offering me, I just don't have anything else to offer at the moment. I know some even asked me for nothing in return but time and the chance to let them love me.. but see, I just couldn't let them. They might fall so hard and I'm not sure if I'd be there to catch them. I'm not perfect and surely I am not all that.. but who am I to say these things right?

How foolish do you think am I? Really.. Am I at fault here?

I'm not selfish.. but somehow, I may be trying to be. When someone not so great like me.. finds peace and comfort with everything that God has provide for me, could you blame me for not desiring anything more. I guess you could say.. this is how contented I am.. Could you really? Tell me..

Sometimes we put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

The other night, I hang out with my friend, but before I went off to see them, I spent a good deal of quality time with a very special someone. Went to church, hang out.. watched a movie.. had dinner at home. It's all good. Kinda felt weird though, cos just before she went home. There was a certain disconnection that I felt between us. I couldn't read the mind and the silence pretty much said a lot. I hated how I felt. It was a familiar feeling. I panicked. I got pretty confused too. I felt that certain need to open up a discussion. It was funny.. makes me wanna laugh about it right now. I didn't, though. I rode along with the silence. It was torture. Too add up to the boggle.. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling.. I don't understand..

To get to where my friend was, it would probably take about 5 minutes to get me there. That is.. if I'd take a cab.. but then.. I've decided to go for a miniature road trip and take the jeepney instead and go for the longer way to get there. It was also good. The air was less polluted at night and the ambiance gave me time to contemplate about what happened and what didn't happen. Oddly, I didn't get anything from that road trip.. Hehe.. So anyway, I went on.. and there I was.. finally hangin out with my friend.. drinkin.. goofin around.. saw a few people from my ex-job.. laughin our a**es off.. enjoyin the moments basically.. but then.. during our affairs.. I just couldn't seem to get my mind off her.. and what she was thinking about earlier. Right there.. I figured.. I don't just like her.. I care about her.. And as weird as you might think it is.. I didn't like it.. It was against all that I stood by..

I gave her a book too some time not so long ago. The book was entitled "How to be really really really happy" by Bo Sanchez. I was suppose to finish it but I keep putting it off. I don't know.. The stories are good, but I guess I already know where he's leading to.. kinda know what he was talking about.. creepy "L" word.. and like I said.. I don't wanna be there just yet. Not even sure if I actually wanna be there. Yeah.. sure I enjoy every bit of time being happy.. and I am okay with giving, as long as I have something to give. But the trouble is that, some people will always want something more from you and we just need to give it to them so to keep them off your back.. but you know how it goes.. once they get a taste of it, they're gonna keep wanting more.. until you got nothing else to give. So I guess, Mr. Sanchez should stop writing about happiness and start workin on contentment mainly. HOW TO BE F*IN CONTENTED!!.. cos personally, I think happiness is very costly.. it involve a great deal of mess too.. and you can't just achieve it by simply buying a book.. some books are tricks to hypnotize the mind into believing everything is okay.. when in real life.. it isn't.. and some people will just f*ck you over and over until you linger in pain far too long cos you've gotten used to it.. and by the time you got off that mud hole of mess.. you feel nothing.. and you find every means to hurt yourself.. be it physically or emotionally., just so you can feel something.. with that.. paranoia can't seem to f*in find another host.. ugh!! That's what happens when you keep wanting more.. and believe me.. it will happen over and over again till you find contentment within. Contentment is way cheaper.. and safer. It doesn't matter whatever it is that you've got.. as long as you've got everything that you need.

Sorry.. I'm not mad. It's just that.. every time I try to be happy, the world seems to come crashing down upon me and I just couldn't handle it. I have all the valid reasons as to why I am not crazy enough to take any risk.. one of em is that.. I just don't like gambling.. and the rest is written in blood.

Okay.. Fine!! My reasons aren’t reasons I guess.. they’re all excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is.. I’m scared.. Terrified even.. of what's out there for me. That's why I've build these walls.. this shell.. ever so strongly.. so I can protect myself.. from everything.. anything.. not even joy nor love.. could penetrate them.. And some people, just don't get the label..

Figure it out, Babe..

I will be signing a new job offer tomorrow. During the interviews and the examinations, I sure was a bit terrified at one point. The final interview was really tough, for I had to answer real personal questions. Same as with the others that came before it. I didn't lie though.. nuh-uh.. not once. I told the reason why my heart wanted to leave my previous job. I told them as honestly as I possibly could. Miraculously, I got accepted.. I passed. The visit over Don Bosco along with a special friend probably helped a lot. Thank You Lord God. Something weird though.. The acceptance didn't felt as good as I thought it would be. It sure felt different. See, when I left ACS, I didn't thought any other company would give me a chance to work with them. Convergys proved it otherwise. The company accepted me and disregarded my past flaws. Convergys boost up my morale. Convergys made me felt I was really something.. something useful, worth keeping and a valuable asset to their company. It was awesome! I even won an iPod touch. Didn't lasted though.. Only stayed for seven days, when I should've at least stayed for three more days so just to complete the CCTraining.. and golly, that was just the easy part.. english, grammar and culture studies. I could've lifted off to PSTraining effortlessly.. but I didn't.. I went off the other way around. And just there, I've let go of something I really wanted.

Now, here comes another great thing. The new job I'm about to sign up tomorrow. It should be great right? I'm' just wondering though.. Why can't it feel just as good? Why does it feel so.. different? How come, I'm not too excited about it.. What's missing? What's wrong with this one? Everyone says this new company is high paying, has good benefit package, really prestigious.. and so, and so.. Makes me think.. Will I sign it just for the sake of having a job? Will I sign it cos it's been a while since I've been so much of a bum? Will I force myself to love it just cos everyone does? Will I force myself to enjoy it just cos everyone thinks it's something really good? Will I force myself to look forward to going there tomorrow cos everyone is happy for me? Why do I feel so.. different.. when I know, that I couldn't mess this one up?

Crazy huh? This is all I ever wanted. Why can't I feel anything..?

Dear Lord God.. Guide me.. I love you so much po..

Calling Cupid!!

Most of my blog posts from 2008 are a little bit heart-wrecking. I kind of feel sorry for my old self as I browse through them. So much love to give right there.. and now, it makes me wonder whether I still have more to give. Do I? Have I been trying?

In this lifetime, I recall a lot of cool moments when time surely was passing me by real fast. Pseudo as they call it.. Something that seems to be there and real, and yet, you just couldn't grab a hold of it.. can't seem to put your heart into it.. It's there, both just couldn't take it.
On 2008, during the rockiest of the rockiest of my six year relationship, within The Kimerald Love Story, this happy lang kase seem to have mutated on its own since then. There was this Summer Love Affair, Sassy Girl and just recently Humpy Dumpy Road Trips.. The might-have beens of my life.. hehe.. All left a mark..

Funny and silly, if I may say so myself, the way I have been putting up so much effort dodging Love Shots from Mr. Cupid. I couldn't let him catch me with those frightening arrows. Oh, C'mon dude, one time you hit me with one of those things.. You got my head.. Everything was messed up right there, since then, I've been confusing dreams and reality.. love and hate.. risk and fear.. trust and respect.. tsk.. Been fixing up your mess for a little while now, and I'm doing a very good job at it, no thanks to you.. I think you might be losing your touch little mister match maker. True love, kind of doesn't exist anymore?!? What?? You busy with something else? Yeah, you heard me, Love Bug. I'm talking to you! So the next time you feel like going to work, use your glasses or whatever should help you take a great aim of where that stupid arrow should really go to.. You know where it is right? Yeah, it's right here.. where it beats.. the heart wise guy. So please.. show people that that romantic love thing of yours still works. Fix your crappy arrows and make em work!!

See, here I go again. Something really great is happening to me for some time now.. And I'm afraid I may have to dodge this one too. I have been trying to control my emotions from showing up.. For quite frankly, I don't know if I want it. Oh, crap.. What am I saying?? This is so heavy. This is so confusing. I don’t know what I am actually trying to avoid. I mean, I’m so scared of these things that I’m feeling. Cos every time I get all these rush of electricity within my veins. It always leads to unconditional happiness.. like yesterday.. and the day before that.. and the day before.. yes.. I was getting all that jitterbugs.. all because of this seemingly perfect being.. so contagious too. Being with this person knocks me off my feet. After being together.. I keep smiling all the time.. And I don’t know why.. And I don’t know where I’m going.. And I walk around the house smiling stupidly.. And I don’t seem to understand why I’m holding a screw driver and a soap.. And I tell everybody about this weirdness that kinda feels so good.. And everybody is happy for me.. Gosh.. It’s crazy.. I never actually met anyone from my fantasy.. and yet.. here's one.. who wants to kiss me..

I Wanna Fall

You may have your own reasons for smiling uncontrollably today..

I do too..

Mine's you.. ♥

Yours Truly.. Pisces Girl aka Yoshiko

This Pisces woman is a woman of dreams. Logic rarely exists in her life as she doesn’t really understand it..*callin me naive?!?* Her favorite world is the one she has created herself in her own mind. She has a sweetness that is delightful and can warm up even the coldest hearts. Not many people could refuse a Pisces woman, they are simply just too sweet.. *aren't I?*

These women has a sixth sense, they just seem to know what’s coming next *and you tell me I don't get the logic?* Some people accuse these women of playing mind games, but mostly I believe that it is this extra sense, this added perception that is to blame for this.. *that's right.. perception baby!*

Pisces women are exceptionally sensitive*exceptional.. which means, I am?? go on.. go on..*.. This sensitivity brings an overwhelming kindness and care for others.. *ehh-ehemm!!* They can’t bare to see others suffer and will always try and help out people who aren’t as fortunate as herself.. *ehhhhghhemmm!!* She actually get’s embarrassed if she has been successful in her life and finds herself next to people who aren’t as wealthy as her. *anehh bhaaaa!! ;D*

This lady knows how to please in a relationship. *kitams.. kitams?* She is not pushy or nagging and just wants everyone to feel happy. *KOREK!! too bad for the jerks who didn't get the chance to see that*Seeing her family unhappy will cause her a great deal of pain as she kind of has the attitude that it is all down to her to sort out. *True.. Their burden is my burden..* As a mother she will be soft and sensitive and lovely really. Definitely a parent a child will be able to talk to if their is a problem. They may be worried about upsetting her though. *baet, totoo yan.. I love you so much eh*

The Pisces woman does have a tendency for feeling sorry for herself. If she is not brought out of this it could well lead to depression.. *kaya pala ko mabilis pumayat.. hmm..*Also watch for post natal depression in these women after they have had a child. This woman does have a tough side too. She may look like the perfect angel from the outside but this can change and she can turn into something else altogether, which will undoubtedly shock anyone who is close to this lady as it really doesn’t seem possible. *haha.. sorry naman po.. good girl naman talaga ko eh.. funny thing about the post partum.. It came even before I had given birth.. and do I really look like a Perfect Angel?? hahaha..* But it is, she is a pretty tough cookie under her armour of sensitivity. *awww..* She will get especially riled if she is pulled out from her dream world unwillingly. You have been warned. *haha.. kase naman eh.. i'm willing to go out of my shell.. in due time.. wala kase biglaan..*

And the pictures wouldn't be so difficult to figure out I guess. See yah!

Words from an ex-maldita

I know I may have been a little naughty during my youth, I guess I just couldn't help it. Some people can really push me to my limits you know. What's a girl got to do but to just give it to them as how they asked for it. Let's see if I can pull up some stuff off the top of my head from the days when they used to call me "Miss Maldita"

Warning: Not suitable for the weak hearted.. haha.. And you should be properly equipped to.. You know.. get all that goodies!! =)

1.) Stop the pang a-away sa mga taong merong friends, unless mas mabuti kang friend sa mga friend nila =)

2.) Don't interrupt your enemies when they're making a fool of themselves.. No talks, no mistakes.. Blah.. Blah.. Blah.. =)

3.) If you want WAR, go to IRAQ or better yet, sa BILIBID, for unlimited access sa riot.. plus di ka na matatakot na makulong cos, andun kna =)

4.) Ang panlalait ay nasa lugar. Kung hindi ka maganda, manahimik ka until you are. Nakakahiya naman if lalapit ako seo tapos di ka maka sagot kapag tinanong kita
"So, tingin mo maganda ka na nyan?" =)

5.) If malakas ang kutob mo na di ka maganda but you still feel that you are.. Then good for you.. Nilason ng boyfriend/girlfriend mo at ng mga magulang mo ang utak mo =)

6.) Kung may tapang ka, i-like mo yung mga patama nya seo sa wall nya, tapos sabay comment ng "HAHA! I LIKE IT A LOT" Kung naunahan ka naman, sabihin mo, "Para seo talga yan eh.. hihihi" =)

7.) Stop the name callin cos di ka priest para mag-binyag ng new names sa iba. Cos if anybody could do that, I'd change my last name into.. Villavicencio, Lopez or maybe Cariaso or San Pedro even =)

8.) When you spot na nakatingin seo yung warlaloo mo, flip your uber straight shiny long hair.. then smile at em tapos kindatan mo =)

9.) Eto lang tatandaan mo, kung maldita ka.. mas maldita ko seo =)

10.) The most important thing I could remember are these things: Don't wound something that you can't kill. Never start if you don't intend to finish. Anger is your worst enemy.

Yung ibang advice, sakin na lang yon.. Gumawa ka ng sarili mo.. Malay mo mag-work =)

Hehe.. Joke lang po.. Maldita nya noh? I'm not her anymore. Well, at least, I try not to be. Honestly, I am sorry.. I just can't help it. Really, I'm the sweetest person you'll ever meet, but everyone has their downside I guess. And some people wouldn't stop giving you enough reasons to do such things. Like at the moment, I thought of doing major sabotage to some people whose doing bad stuff to a friend.. well, you know how I am with my friends, I mean what they're doin is just not right. Plus, I'm the best friend anyone could ever have, not only will I give great advices, so great that even I, myself, can't believe it.. but I will also stand up for you no matter what.. be there in the darkest of your days. What can I say, I may not be that punctual all the time, but I know I'll be there, especially when I say I'll be there.

I'm really a good person you know.. And by now, I guess you could just imagine what I'll do for the people I love then.

Stay out of trouble you guys. God bless us all.

Jitterbugs??

Inspired by the picture right here, I finally finished moving in to my very own. My room's got only one window, the cabinets and the flooring are modified, mine has *eh-ehem!* air-conditioning, hehe.. and the bed's a little bit bigger. Oh, and it's pink too by the way. The color that I 've liked since I was a little girl, for reasons I know absolutely nothing about. Well, I mean my favorite color is White, Turquoise, Blue, Aquamarine and shades as such.. but subconsciously, I've been picking out a lot of Pinks lately too.. Talk about trying hard to be girly. I know, it's funny, especially since Pink is the official color of gay people.. haha!

Anyway, It's paint-smellin everywhere still. But.. The room's pretty enough for me. Looking at it though, makes me think about my previous rooms. The ones filled with bitter-sweet memories. Ugh! I moved in from one to another so that I can forget about them. Having this sentimental sh*t over matters really isn't a very good deal for me. It would be really great if only I can move on to new good memories without clingin on to the old ones. Hmm.. but see, looking at this not so very empty room, makes me imagine all sort of dirty little things to put in it. Like a dipey bin.. or a lil trash can for my little one's mess.. haha! No, seriously, how long has it been since I goofed around.. Wow.. Been a while huh?! Well, yeah, I almost had it a couple of times, but I thought, hmm.. I'm not ready yet.. My heart might not be ready too, you know.. Being so fearfull and reserved and all that i'm-so-afraid-to-fall-in-love-again-traumatized classic.. hmm.. But as I've said.. Looking at this room makes me think.. and think.. and think.. Ohhh boy.. and believe-you-me..this mind's so full of brain activities, you just couldn't imagine all that's being downloaded by it.. what goes on inside.

I'm smiling right now, cos one really sweet and cute thought just registered.. wholesome thoughts that is. See, I have a crush.. yeah, real mature of me right??.. I mean, the person's nothin but real sweet to me lately.. when we chat.. asks about my daughter.. reminds me to pray before I go to bed.. advices me to drink vitamins.. even if I don't consume any.. Well.. I'm going all malicious about the things the person's doing to me.. Maybe it's cos I'm seeing myself in that person.. sweet.. thoughtful.. caring.. all that cr*ppy things that doesn't exist in my world at the moment.. Or maybe, I just miss getting all those jitterbugs.. Those kilig moments..

I remember talking about it to one of my friends and we came to something real serious, I said something like.. "what am I doing wrong with my relationships? are they the ones whose treating me wrong, or am I just incapable of loving righteously.." and then I asked her.. "panu ba mag-mahal ng tama?" she just laughed at me.. but I know it made her think too. We always put the blame on others, but come to think of it.. Maybe it's us who's at fault here. Maybe, the more scared we are of getting hurt, we subconsciously hurt others in the process of protecting our very fragile hearts, not noticing, we become who we're afraid of. Good one huh?! That's what made me excited about welcoming not LOVE itself.. but the IDEA of falling in love. And considering myself a worthy partner.. I'm not in a hurry to get into it.. But right then, I've realized what I was doing wrong (maybe), and kept in mind how I could be a better lover.

Too bad for the most recent ones, I wasn't ready for them. They sure could've been the ones. NAaahH!! I'm not regretting anything.. It's just that.. well.. I miss how they loved me and treated me ever so nicely.. There.. I admit it. What can I say? I'm a human myself, although I seemingly may look like a goddess to some.. I walk and talk and breathe and feel just like anyone else here on Earth. Of course.. you know I'm kidding about the goddess part, right?!

Well, missing someone is just human nature, and looking at this bed.. I mean, this room.. I'm quite seeing a potential on this one crush. But.. I won't speak so soon.. I mean.. it's just a crush.. and, sure.. my heart has cooled down and my mind's a bit more dominant right now. I wouldn't want anyone to ruin my progress for me. I know he's just around the corner.. or her.. who knows.. D*mn!! I'm daydreaming again. It's my fault I guess.. Putting up this Frankie J, Avant and Stevie Hoang's music in the background of all this pinkness.

Funny how I told my friend about how I felt and she just replied.. "Besy, anu ka ba?! l***g lang yan, mag tigil ka nga jan!" haha.. the next thing I know, she's posting something on her wall that goes like this..

i miss having to call me "my own".. to share my everyday life with.. to argue with the silliest reason possible.. to call at the middle of the night juz to say "iloveu" or "imisu"..& for the record.. i miss being a GIRLFRIEND

Wow.. one thing I couldn't admit to myself.. and she said it almost so perfectly. I would've said it in a much better way.. Only.. I couldn't accept and face it.. ang dami kong paligoy ligoy.. When in fact.. I do.. miss being a girlfriend myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a couple wanting to join my list.. but.. I just can't go for anyone right? It's not me being pihikan.. but like what Jossie Gellar said..

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.

Get my point?!
Now.. here's to hoping.

..wow..

Due to some memories I couldn't seem to get rid off.. I've decided to start a new blog site and keep this one private instead. Yes, the new one's been published already.. but cos of a very sweet follower.. my only follower, I think.. who has supposedly been inspired by my not so great a blog site.. I'm gona stick with this one.. and hopefully.. She won't get tired of me..

Unwell..

I'm sorry for making you feel unwell and for making you miss my posts.. There hasn't been much goin on really.. So, for you.. I'm gona keep this one open.. Really.. I appreciate it so much..

And thanks, dear.. for reaching out to me.. and for liking my page that much..
Stay Happee.. and inspired..

*Blushin*

A fully booked weekend to remember

Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

Supa fun!

I couldn't get over it too..

Saturday morning.. A date out with my teammates.. We had a super blast eating in a pizza shop.. Kulitan and super daming gutom.. Shempre.. Mdaming food din.. It was really funny because as soon as the food were served.. The soonest the hands came swerving in to the food at the table. Haha! Mga taong maraming gutom.. Marami ring kuha.. There were pizzas, chicken, mojos, spaghetti.. hmm.. yummie.. So sweet of them pa nga to fill up my plate with everything. Wala akong kinuha.. Sila ang nag lagay ng food ko.. Awww.. Thanks guys! Bonding moments surely.. afterwards.. some went home and new fellas joined in.. Inuman and videoke session naman.. hay.. lalu tuloy aku nawalan ng voice.. We sang on the stage drank the bestest beer in the world.. Laughter surely filled up the air.. super fun times two.

Headed home after the chill. Rested and slept beside my precious Riane.

A couple of hours later, another set of friends picked me up. I didn't expected na tuloy kami sa Antipolo. Woke up and packed my stuff, didn't planned to take a dip pero when we got to the place. No f*ing way would I say no to such beautiful waters. It was supposed to be an overnight swimming escapade. The place was super awesome. It's a very huge resort and it has soooo many nipa huts and cottages in it. We occupied cottage number 57.. I think.. There was a very cool hall with a pool in it and it has super cool disco lights as well. Ang daming gwapo.. este.. tao.. I was freakishly wearing a two piece suit.. Kapal lang diba? WOHENUNGEYON kung malaki ang tyan ko?! Masarap uminom at kumain eh. Haha! Nonetheless.. I think I looked fine. We met some people and the whole night just ROCKED! Haahh!! ANG SAYA!! Thanks for taking me out friends!

We were supposed to go home around 5am but my ever dearest friend clumsily left the keys in the trunk. Haha! We were stuck in there watching helplessly as the locksmiths attempt to open the doors. Good thing I slipped money in my suit, otherwise.. we wouldn't have anything to eat. They were wondering why I had that money all along.. Eh kase naman.. lagi silang nakikipag unahan mag bayad sakin.. hmph! I was soo the man that time.. I was soo ready.. We just teased each other and sang and hung out in the parking lot all afternoon, until we finally decided to go back to the city to get the spare key. It was a super blast times three.

We headed home to pick up Riane and then, they dropped us off sa house ng bestfriend ko afterwards. Chillax mode with another set of friends and we slept over doon. Riane has a cold and she was up all night. My friends though.. They really cared for my little one. They love her and I can feel that they want her in their lives too. So lucky of us to have friends as such. God is truly magnificent.

The rest is just history.. plus a big smile on my face.

I love my life.. and thebbest thing about it.. is that Riane and I are loved.

Another great week ending.. =)

Multi-tasking at last.. ;)

Having breakfast and jotting down a couple of my week's highlights.. while the little one plays beside me..
Kissing her non stop..

Woke up a couple of minutes ago from a sleep which is a result of my unstoppable need to take a gulp of beer.. My bestfriend and I was supposed to go somewhere before the shot.. but due to my irreparable punctuality flaw.. I didn't make it on time. She texted me and asked me if I wanted to join them nilang mag boyfriend to watch a game via sattelite along with their Bedan friends.. Then after that.. Shot daw and food trip na.. Eh ang slow na Roan.. I said to myself.. Basketball? Eh! La ku hilig dun eh.. Yun pala kay Pacquiao haha!

It was really great. I'm meeting a lot of people again. At nabubusog na naman si Seg (my celphone's name) dahil nakaka tikim na naman sha ng load. It was really funny cos all of my friends kinda understand my replies to them kahit super expired na yung point? haha! Hmm.. Parang mga three weeks na yung interval, then I'd browse my messages and see na.. Ay.. Nag aya pala sha mag swimming.. I'd say.. "Tara.." they'd be like.. "Anung tara? Wala na.. Tapos na.." Not exagerating.. We'd laugh about it after my explanation.. Hay..

Sometimes.. I crack myself up.. Natatawa ko sa mga pinag gagagagawa ko.. *tama ba.. ga-ga-gawa?!* anyway.. Like kahapon.. I uploaded an album sa facebook.. but since my friend doesn't want any rumors sa kanya to spread like AIDS.. We decided to make it private.. So wala ng chismis.. Kasi.. Wala naman talaga.. but anyway.. I did na.. Sabi ko pa sa description. "Ayan na po yung pix.. Tayo tayo lang makaka kita nyan.." ayun.. after a few seconds.. comments kept popping up.. "Private na private nga! hahaha!" I was like.. huh?! how's that possible.. I texted my friend at nakapag load ako ng wala sa oras just to seek assistance. Gave her the password and asked her to edit it. She then texted me.. "Okay na Ann.. Eh kaya naman pala eh.. Kami yung naka restrict eh.. haha.."

teka.. nahihilo ko..
maya ulet.. dami pa ko kwento..

It's afternoon na.. Hay.. Thank God wala na yung hang-over ko.. Kanina.. I vommited again.. I was so hungry afterwards but my throat was really sore from the pag throw up ku so I ate quite lightly lang.. I'm sleepy na but I can't stop yapping.. hehe.. So.. where was I?

Saturday morning after my shift.. my friends from work and I drank a couple of beers and we had a videoke trip along Makati area.. afterwards.. one of them accompanied me to buy a crib for Riane.. It felt so good buying her that thing.. I was so excited to go home to show everyone what I got and to put her in it. Wow.. She slept ever so soundly that night and when she woke up the next morning.. She kept laughing and laughing and smiling and smiling.. I thought.. "Grabe anak.. I so know how to make you happy and I'll give it all to you.. I'll spoil you like mommy and tatay did me.. So one day you won't long for matterial and earthly things.. You won't grow up with envy.. You won't pay much attention to what money can buy cos you already had everything.. almost.. and so you'd focus on what is unseen by the naked eye.. You'll see the beauty of the world the way I always did.." *I know.. Sometimes.. I forget* "You'll grow up to be a respectful and witty.. And I hope you grow up just like me.." Cos I can honestly say.. I am proud of who I am.. I'm proud of how strong my heart is and at the same time.. it also bleeds when bruised.. "It will be my greatest challenge to keep you away from pain.. I can't let jerks mess you up the way they messed up mine when I was doing so good with my realizations.." Yup.. And she kept laughing and laughing still so I told her.. "Anak tama na.. oa ka na.." hehe.. Kidding aside.. I don't have much left on my account cos I bought a lot of things for her and I'm consistently buying milk and dipeys.. Plus.. I can't resist lending money to people who matters to me.. 2nd plus.. I can't say no to quality moments and friends.. Kaya mejo I won''t be able to save up at the moment.. But you know what the magic is? God seems to let me enjoy everything.. Totoo pa nga nyan.. I think He's tolerating me.. Cos He secretly is providing for me.. Meron kasi kami makukuhang incentives from work and with the money that I'm expecting pa.. I'm planning to buy her airconditioning. The Lord's way of sayin.. I never left you.. Hayy.. Thank You po Dear God.. Don't You worry.. I will try to listen to You all the time.. I will try not to defy You.. Cos the last time I did.. My heart got shattered into pieces.. hehe.. I deserve that.. Kasi sabi ni Lord.. "Di sha ang para seo.. Wag ka machulet.." Eh ang chulet ku pa rin.. ;p

Another thing I noticed is that when someone knows how to make use of what she already has and be contented of whatever is current.. She becomes beautiful.. I know.. cos I've been getting quite the bestest compliments.. lalu nan nung preggy pa ko.. And to be quite frankly.. Nakaka taba ng puso.. na even at my saddest hours.. some even bother to see way pass the swollen eyes and the growing tummy.. I recalled kasi how the compliments came about.. My besy's boyfriend picked me up sa church kasi nga sho-shot kami.. I asked.. "andun ba si..." a guy who has been meaning to ask me out nun preggy pa ku.. He said.. "Wala.. don't worry.. uy sorry dun huh.. kami na humihingi ng pasensha".. I told him.. "nyeks.. okei lang yun.. bka naman.. mabait naman sha.. mejo nailang lang aku siguro kasi alam kong crush nya ko.. hehe" And then we talked about the guy and how he was with girls and then we talked about kung sino sino yung mga may crush pa sakin.. waaahhh.. how I am the envy of many na even though preggy still manages to look good at the same time.. sarap i-record.. I was literally blushing and floating in the air.. God.. so sweet of You to put those thoughts in their minds.. Hay.. I showed them the video that I made too.. They were sooo supportive about it.. they were like.. "Ako yon oh.. Ako yon.. Pare andun ako.. Kaw rin andun oh.. si ano.. uy si ano pa.." waahahahaha.. and they were so perked up about it and pretending to jump with excitement.. haha.. I was really embarrased but.. come to think of it.. It was really sweet seeing them like that.. haha! We talked about everything and anything that came up.. Browsed the net.. Searched for people we know and teased each other.. Played beautiful music.. Drank beer.. Bitter-sweet sharing about the past.. Great advices.. Words of upliftment.. Grabeng ultimate hang out na trip ko talaga.. They have no idea of how great I was feeling already na.. Tapos.. They made me felt better pa.. Ano pa? The best na ko nyan kung ganon.. Dear Lord God.. You are amazing..

Nauna na yung bestfriend ko and I was left there on my own.. The horse got to my veins and talagang hilo na din kasi kaya I said goodbye na to them and planned to take a cab na lang.. Kaso they insisted on taking me home.. So sweet noh? But before that.. We had a stop over sa house nung may ari ng auto tapos hatid na nila ko.. and then.. guess what happened.. Right before umandar na kami.. I asked them to hold it.. I opened the door.. and then.. I threw up.. Yhaks.. Kahiya.. They were even teasing my vommit.. "Yan yung kinain mo kanina oh.. May Veggies.. Fruits.. Pizza.. Yung tansan!" waaaaahhh.. Ewwwness lang.. Jahe talaga.. Huhu.. One of them though, in spite of the turn off na pag susuka.. asked for my number.. Haba lang ng hair.. Pero.. Kahiya talaga ko..

Summary: Met new friends.. Loving old ones.. Coming accross those with potential kilig-providing individuals.. Drunkard, yet appreciated.. Remembered as "The pinaka magandang buntis!" awww.. *blush..*

Haay.. Love You Lord.. =)

shoot.. i soooo f*ing love this song!!

tagal ko tong hinanap.. i don't even know the lyrics.. listen.. really hard to understand em.. who would've thought.. mejo may significance pala sha.. ;p

Sweet are the uses of adversity

I just had my birthday. It wasn't like how I annually plan it to be, but nonetheless.. it went pretty well for me. God truly acts in mysterious ways. It was supposed to be a little gathering between some friends and a few acquaintances from work. When we got there, there was another set of coworkers within the venue. Some fellas from our segment also came.. and then.. it was a blast. I was just a bit embarrassed cos I didn't paid for everything.. which isn't usually how I am during celebrations as such. As much as possible, my share if not is 100%.. it's at least bigger than the half. Anyway, it was really interesting because on that day, was one of the highlight conversations I've had in my life. I spoke to one of the guys there and surprisingly.. we kinda understood each other.. don't get me wrong.. I wasn't attracted to him in any getting-to know-kilig factor way or anything like that.. nope! We were sharing about life with a beer on our hands. He said that his batch mates would always notice me and they would talk about how great I looked as a pregnant lady with all the rumors following my big pregnant butt. He also mentioned that they somehow knew what happened to me but they didn't felt hate cos they felt like I'm a nice person. They would also notice how my eyes were bombarded for almost everyday that they would come across yours truly and that I still manage to go to a toxic place and smile at everyone in spite of all the backstabbing they have been seeing. What surprised me even more though is when he started crying.. like a little boy.. when I talked about how I'm so over the top fine now and that my daughter is the 90% reason behind it.. how the world's perception of my life is of no importance cos I have all the means to be happy.. and that my daughter and I don't need someone who doesn't want to play the role God forcingly gave him.. just there.. he blurted out all his heart's ache.. he told me how we're almost caught up in a somehow similar situation.. only.. he's scared of how his girlfriend and baby would feel like how I was. I said.. "hmm bakit naman..ayaw mu bang maging masaya sila?" he paused.. drank his beer and replied with tears falling from his eyes.. "di kami parehas ng daddy ng baby mo.. my girlfriend doesn't want me in her life anymore.. but I don't have the strength to give her what she wants. Selfish ako in a way cos I wanted us to be a family.. I love my girlfriend and hate her at the same time.. pero ayoko silang talikuran for i want them to give me the respect a father deserves from his mag ina.." I was speechless. I honestly ran out of good things to tell him. I drank my beer too and gave him a pat on his back.

There would come a time in our lives when all we have to do is to accept things as they come. It might not be as comforting as all the other decisions we have made before, but at least we are giving others and ourselves a chance to grow into something that we ourselves are not so sure about. Wala naman kasing bad outcome eh. It's just a matter of how we could run around a really complicated situation. A gamble. Take it. Play your bad cards right and hope for the better. If we lose.. there would always be this "one time".. and it would all be enough to get us going.

I couldn't share my happiness to my new buddy.. I can't have him feel bad cos I don't. I said to him. "Do your part and don't expect too much in return.. and so when you leave this world.. You will feel pride knowing you have played your purpose righteously.. and that couldn't be taken away from you.

Now, I'm always finding every reason to be happy and quite surprisingly.. I'm not running out of them. Plus.. my fatty areas are proof of how I am doing just great. All we need is a little push. And when you really really think about it.. sweet are the uses of adversity.. it makes us thankful for the little things that we have.. Little things that fills the air with my laughter.

to be continued..

cOuLdn'T aSk fOr mOrE

I woke up earlier with a brand new perspective in my life. I feel so light actually. God.. My heart is so overwhelmed by this strange feeling.. It seems like something inside me will burst out.. and I feel like crying too. I don't understand why all of a sudden, I am surrounded by everything positive. I thank God for this undescribable contentment I am feeling.

As always.. I am just curious to know how this magic happened. I know though that when good things happen.. one shouldn't ask WHY?.. but then again.. no harm asking.. HOW? instead right.. =)

I remember this line from a movie I watched days ago. It goes like this "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out." And yes.. that's what I did. It took a long time to do it cos I was kinda hopin it would fade out on its own but it didn't.. so I had to force it out.. and goodness.. it has been done alright! I'm smiling all the time cos things are where they should be finally.. I have the grandest family.. the bestest buddies, my little cutie Riane and a great big bag of chances.. chances to grow.. chances to be happy.. and who knows.. the chance to meet the love of my life.. hay.. I also saw myself in the mirror lately.. my God truly blessed me.. haha! I always thought.. people get what they deserve in life and by all the painful past I've been through.. just proves that I'm just that darn stubborn and impatient to see the wonders around me.. and I deserve to get hurt for that.

A fella told me.. "You're just lucky you didn't end up the other way around.." Wow.. so true.. I mean.. like I said.. I have all the chances in the world right now. I have a grand future that awaits me. All I have to do is look forward to what good fate will bring me.. Well yes.. I know.. I'm still not Ms. Goody Two-Shoes.. A little maldita side kicking in every now and then.. But I'm getting it on real well. And yes.. some people will try to screw me up real hard.. but by now.. I know how God loves me so much.. and I've realized that He has been hitting me with His shoes for some time now and I'm just not paying much attention to the hit..

Finding every reason to smile and laugh really isn't that hard when you get to it. Like this morning.. I saw this guy at work wearing a statement shirt saying "KONG is in my pants" hahaha! I doubt it.. haha! Goodness.. sure.. whatever makes you feel happy dude.. whew.. oh and our dog Dirty.. she was smiling at me.. haha! With all the teeth showing like that of a human being.. creepy I know.. but it's really funny too.. I went home having the exact fare.. two rides of jeepney totaling to P14.00.. and guess what.. I'm still making head turns as I walk all the way home.. If they only knew.. may baby na akuuu noh! hehe..

Thinking..

Fears? Yup.. there are still a few.. but with all I've been through.. I know how to take them out of me.. or at least.. I know how to handle them. Like everyone else.. I'm afraid to fade.. And with all the things I've been realizing.. I can't leave just yet.. I've so much more to do.. So many things to share.. So many things to learn.. So many things to see.. and so many people to touch..

I want to go to all the wonderful places in the country.. and I'd like to take her there with me. I'll take her camping.. I'll take her on road trips, maybe when I get a car.. We'll go wherever the road takes us.. Maybe I'll take her to the beach.. I could just imagine Riane and me on white sands in our cute two piece bikinis.. Boy.. We're gona look so fierce in them.. Good thing I'm a good swimmer too.. I'll teach her how to.. or maybe, we could find someone to teach us better.. Hay.. I wish time would slow down a bit.. coz I'd like to savour every minute of my life with her.. cos when she grows up.. she'll have her own life and I won't pull her back from growing on her own. I'd like to take every moment with her while she's little and then maybe when she's the same age as me.. She'll miss me.. and maybe smile as she browse through our pictures together.. *I miss her already..* I have all the reasons to enjoy this lifetime.. And I wana live.. It's wonderful here.. I'd like to stay.. cos this life is worth living for.. And I'm sorry I seem to forget that most of the time..

I'm excited to get it on. I'm ready for life

Thinking.. *again*

God trully blessed me.. and I'm praying.. That all of us in this world becomes happy.. In that way.. everyone else will be surrounded by positive things. And them fears will just vanish gradually.. we just have to know who to turn to. Happiness comes from within.. and like a friend told me.. "You don't need to ask someone to make you happy.. God will provide them for you.. In His own good time.."

Haay..

I just remember.. I have a couple of statement shirts too.. One says "A day without laughter, is a day wasted." Call me crazy.. but I'm finding every reason to be happy. I miss this.. Looking out of my window..

Life surely is beautiful.. and the best things in it is free.. You just have to know where to get them..

to be continued..

for sure

=)

Seriously Ann..

STOP COMPLICATING THINGS!!

Sometimes the road to happiness is through the simplest things.. The most obvious answers are in front of you and that you should just have to be true to yourself and accept things as they come with the sincerest smile on your pretty face.. If you're not ready to accept it, then take a breather and keep in mind that you have the power over your breath.. your smile.. your heart.. your touch.. your body.. your soul.. your laughter.. You can either turn away and use your patience to get that opportunity for another shot at happiness.. Stop fighting temptations and just give in to your stupid desires.. Ann, you'll only live once and by God.. You should make the most out of this life that you were given.. You just need to be equipped with the proper armour cos there's no room for mistakes out there in the battlefield.. You'll be eaten alive and you should know that by now.. You're too smart for them.. Why are you letting them win??!! You're being ravaged alive because you're too afraid to admit that you can't ever stop yourself from falling in love.. Which by the way isn't a fault or a bad thing.. And if ever you accidentally do commit more of em mistakes.. You shouldn't be afraid to start over because the only way to perfect a lifetime is to go through it again.. and again and again.. even if it means dying inside and be reborn.. And then one day you'll wake up unknowingly putting a smile of contentment on your face.. Subconsciously saying.. Everything fits.. And until then.. be calm.. cry if you may.. but don't forget to look at the sky.. It's still blue.. A constant reminder that some things never change.. That there's still goodness out there for you.. A very true thing not even time could alter.. Like the very sky that's above us. Yes, it may change color but it is the same sky you were looking at a little while ago.. Only in it's different angle.. Ann, like the sky.. Love is constant.. It is good.. it always have been.. Trust in it.. A person may fail you.. But LoVe never will.. Don't be afraid to let them know..

God, I love the sky.. don't you.. =p

a midnight snack would be really nice.. I'm gona eat my way to sleep.. and hope that everything gets better by the morning.. I hope I get fixed soon.. Can't wait to fall out of love now..

Cos I'm so ready to fall in..

....

God.. ang heavy ng pakiramdam ko.. My heart is thumping so hard.. Had my first yosi kaninang umaga.. Three.. Don't you just hate being right all the time.. Will someone slap me in the face and tell me I'm wrong this time.. I guess I got my answer.. Even though I knew it all along.. Good luck Ann.. That's just how the world works.. When will people stop screwing me up.. The thumping is all I feel.. I want to share.. But I can't.. What use will sharing your heart's missfortune to others do to you.. Will it change anything? Will it change the fact na naisahan ka na naman.. It surely won't.. I can't believe I'm smoking right now.. Tears taken from an empty soul.. I can't hate.. There's no more strength for me to do it.. The truth surely is often ugly.. and pain humbles the stubborn heart.. Maybe it's just meant to be broken after all..
Shaking..

I'm gona make it work

Tomorrow I'll be off to work again. I don't want to go back to that same work place specifically. I just want to stay home and take good care of her.. my Riane. Although. there are no easy options really, but I'd wholeheartedly take the hard way through it than take the easy way out.

I was feeling a bit heavy hearted earlier. Imagining how our relationship with each other would be years from now. Will she look up to me? Will she be proud of me? It's really scary.. and how my heart thumps so hard just thinking about it. But I guess it's just normal to feel all these cos I'm human right? She's so cute.. She's asleep.

The day I found out about her wasn't really as magical a scenario could be.. But every day.. every second and every time.. I fall in love with her more and more. She eases my pain and the mere thought of her takes away all the aches.. Oh how I can't live without her. Literally.. There'd be no reason for me to breathe without her. And all the things I'm going to do now is all in consideration for her. How I wanted it to be just the two of us so we can live worry-free. I wanted to run away from everyone else but there's nowhere else to go. All the fears from the past will somehow, find it's way back to you.. and there's nothing else to do but face em all.. everytime. Going back to work would be like putting my hands on fire, it'll be disgustingly awful.. but somehow, it'll be fruitful for the both of us.. until I can afford to find another job.

Funny how I think about it. That work place was just a rebound state for me. I never intended to be serious within that place. All I wanted to do was get drunk, pass out and socialize. I recall my sober days.. so unbelievably insane.. It was like, I wasn't looking forward to what the next day will bring.. I can even remember my very first crush in that place. Nonetheless, all I was wanting, is to heal..

God says otherwise.. God says..
"That's not the way it goes angel, I answered your mom's prayers when you shouldn't be there as a human after all.. so fall inlove.. get your heart broken over and over again.. defy your means and feel all the human pain and emotions that you possibly can.. cos you're here not to fall inlove.. at least not today.. I'm gona give you someone.. a little one who needs your guidance.. your true purpose here on earth.. do it right and.. maybe.. I'll give you your heart's fairy tale.."
I made that all up.. but, wouldn't it be a nice explanation as to why I am this way.. a fallen angel who gets her last chance on earth.. great story.. either way Lord, what ever message it was that You were trying to tell me.. I know it's all good.. and I'll take care of her.. even without.. a vampire who got off from a taxi cab.. =')
Just making myself laugh.. but it would really be nice if there's someone out there for me too..

but really, Lord.. I'll live out my purpose here.. and thank You, that it is Riane.. I should know that she's all I need to make it to this world. I will try to answer all her questions as truthfully and as best as I possibly can. I will make sure that as she grows up, she wouldn't wish it any other way.. I will provide for her and I will protect her.. My life is for her now.. Guide me Lord.. I need You.. I love her.. She's my reason for being and I'm gona make this work for us..

Just a bit perked up

On LiFe's jOurNey..FaiTh iS nOuriShmEnT.. ViRtuOus DeEds aR a sHeLtEr.. wIsdOm iS d LiGhT bY dAy aNd rIghT mIndFuLnEs iS d pRoTecTioN bY nIghT. If mAn LivEs a PuRe LiFe..nOthIng cAn dEsTroY hIm. ~> Buddha<~

♥I believe in this. I know this. So beautiful. This is me. Got to start pulling myself back together. Very true Buddha. Will start working on it. Right away sir. Great.. Feeling so good. Excited to start over. I'm so ready. BabyLove, we'll make it.. just you and I.. we're in this together.. I love you baby.. I'll take care of us♥

mY bAbY gIrL

Capricorn child has maturity way beyond her age. She may, at times, put you to shame, when you try to do the typical baby talk with her. Right from her childhood, she will be determined and positive in whatever she does. She is not the one to throw unnecessary tantrums, but she will be able to communicate her disapproval or inconvenience with the same force. After getting her message across to you, she will wait for your answer. In case you say no, she will accept it if the thing is not that important. *wow,God really loves me*

However, if it is, she will patiently wait and wear you down till the time you give in to her demands. With time, your Capricorn baby will become more and more organized. Her shoes will be in the rack, books in the bookshelf and clothes in the cupboard. She wouldn't be much of a prankster and will be more attached to family. There will be only a few close friends with whom she will share his feelings. After coming home from school, the first thing she will do is her homework. All other things come after her duties and responsibilities. *my perfect daughter*

The games of Capricorn children are seldom childish. They usually play the part of teacher, doctor, engineer, mommy or daddy. Strangely, they look pretty convincing in these roles too. They are drawn towards art and music and will spend hours indulging in them. A Capricorn child will never waste her time in useless games; rather she will always be involved in something constructive. You will have to practically force her to go outside and play in the sunshine. She may not be a quick learner, but she will always manage to get A-grades in school. *completely my oposite,love her*

She will move slowly, but in the end, she will leave the other kids much behind her. You may feel that the other kids are bossing her around. Don't worry! She may be patient with such people, but she knows how to take care of herself. She will find one or the other way to get even. A Capricorn child will be interested in the opposite sex, but she will be too shy about it. You will have to handle her feelings very carefully in this area or they may become too closeted.

Unless pushed too far, a Capricorn child will be very pleasant, tolerant and loving. She will give elders the respect they deserve and help you in everyway she can. You will not have to shout at her, every now and then, to get her room cleaned. She will never venture too far from home and will always come back before you start searching for her. *awww..baby ko*

She will be totally practical and will not indulge in the usual childish fantasies. So what if, at times, it feels that she is the parent and you the baby, she will respect you and take care of you when you don't feel so young anymore!

Dear Lord God..I will do my very best to mold her into a decent and good person.
mAy nOt Av bIn a gUd dAugHteR.. NoT d bEsT sIstEr.. nOt sUre iF i wAs eVer enOugh tO bE caLLed a gUd fRiEnD.. pErhAps I aM nOt d iDeaL gIrLfRiEnd.. nEvEr bIn aN eMpLoyEe oF d mOnth.. i'M nOt eVen a wOrtHy oPonEnt cOs i'M nOt fOnD oF cOmpEtiTioN.. hAy.. bUt bEtchA bY goLy wOw.. i'M gOna gIv iT a sHot aT bEiN a gUd mOm..

CHANGES *please stop scaring me*

Everything around me seems to be changing so fast.. It's really scary..

An old friend from highschool has been keeping in touch with me.. Noticed though that she has become all involved in religious stuff and she has this new image and it's very sweet.. Not that I didn't liked her before.. I liked her, a lot actually.. Her craziness.. Her teasing and wild ways.. Her being loud.. Kinda mellowed down a bit, I would asume that I wouldn't be able to play with her anymore like we used to.. metaphorically, that is.. But anyway.. I did browsed her pictures up.. I can see how she's so happy with her life right now.. I admire her, let me tell you.. She went through a lot during highschool.. Lost her mom at a very young age, not sure as to how she lost her dad.. Crazy rumors bout her.. Which usually happens if you're one of the best.. A lot would look down on you even if you are so damn close to perfection.. Rumors that came from people I grew up calling my friends.. Turned out, also did a couple ones on me.. Anyway.. My old friend.. She's pretty much the real deal.. She can sing.. dance.. she's witty.. she is very good at almost everything.. And she's pretty too.. best of all, she cranks me up.. hehe.. Kinda lost touch over the years until, recently.. With the way she talks to me and reading her shout outs.. She did changed a lot.. I'd like to talk to her again.. about life.. about everything.

Someone also called me up earlier today. I didn't know why I answered.. I was a bit hazy, I guess.. We talked for a couple of minutes. It went well I can say.. A little laughter and quite a bit of almost.. hmm.. whatever popped out.. He also shared a bit about his health.. Made me sad, just thinking about it now.. His life.. his health.. depends on his lifestyle.. He can't do a couple of things he used to, which by the way, involved a lot of fun, carelessness and.. I'd say craziness too. I remembered spendin sober moments with him.. I really didn't cared much about myself.. All I wanted to do is drink and get drunk.. and pass out. He took me home everytime though.. Took good care of me for a moment there..

A lot of things surely changed.. It's like a whole new world every second.. Have these changes paired up with memories.. God.. So heavy.. Can't handle em.. Bad.. Are they some sort of evil doings or something.. Cos anything that's heavy in the heart surely is a work by something else.. Only the toughest survive.. The weak, either, runs away from em.. or just cry cos there's nowhere else to go..

Tears.. surely a sign of weakness.. And a smile.. may be a sign of strength.. or so believed to be.. I heard that tears are unspoken words.. Hmm.. ang daldal ng mata ko then.. If all things must change, then I would need to learn to move and run faster so I can catch up.. I would need to learn to speak louder so I can be heard.. I need to be firm with my decisions so I don't go by running around them.. Baffles me though.. How come I seem to stand by my beliefs and not by my decisions.. they are supposed to be intertwined right? Hold it.. Brain jammed..

Thought about complications and then everything went.. sfjiefrofshfakashfkshfks0riewoiwu

I'm thinking, what I know often defies what I believe.. What I do is often based on them said beliefs.. I don't always trust what I believe so I stand by what I think is right.. Which often turns out to be wrong.. I know it's wrong cos it hurts.. I really need to stop complicating things.. Just cos others are unpredictably predictable, doesn't mean I have to take their.. hmm *what am I going to use as an alternative for b*llsh*ts?*.. misdoings?

hay.. need a rest..

I'm sorry..

Resolution 2010

The New Year started and I have failed to pick out resolutions for myself.. They've always worked out for me.. Gota fix things.. Again.. Hay.. I'm all covered with sh*t.. It's not too late though, right? Hay.. Many times I've wished to become a better person.. Like right now most especially.. this little life right here.. She's depending on mine..

I recalled days ago, I was so furious with my father.. We had a lil argument and I was so furious.. Someone's also calling on the phone.. What a mess.. I left Riane for a second to release my anger.. and when I got back, she was at the edge of the bed.. She turned over.. Just right there.. She could have fallen.. God, I cried so hard.. I was so sorry and my brains just exploded.. the thought of what might have happened to her.. all because I was so full of fury.. All these hate.. all this contempt.. It might hurt her.. I can't be emotional all the time just because people are jerks.. I'm gona kill myself if something bad ever happens to her because of my carelessness.. I have to be strong.. I can't take chances when it concerns the little one.. I guess I have to accept that unlike some lucky ones.. I'm surrounded by people who, if not are selfish pricks and a-holes.. are people I am forced to deal with whether I like it or not.. and even though I love them.. and they too loves me.. somehow.. they are as human as I am, and every once in a while.. they'll mess up and they just wont give a f*ck about others.. including myself..
*Deep heavy sigh..*

How can LOVE..a supposedly wonderful feeling, destroy a perfectly sane being.. I know, I am not all that, but, I would have made it just on my own.. I'm such a weakling.. How do you think will I be able to withstand all these nerve wrecking situations I am caught up with all the time.. I'm not that competitive pa.. Not that I'm a quitter or anything like that.. I guess, I figured.. what's the point of battling it out.. If it's meant to be.. Then be it..

Anyway.. This is the life I was given.. Tried building walls.. just aren't too thick enough.. Tried to avoid trouble.. been putting myself into too much of em.. Tried to fight the rest off.. turns out.. I'm just the regular Popeye without mi spinach! And the market's out of spinach.. Silly aren't I.. There's no way of getting around em boguses.. So instead of complaining non-stop.. I'm just gona have to come up with a better action plan.. This time, I'm gona TRY to really work it out.. here goes..

RESOLUTION # 1 REFRAIN FROM USING THE F WORD WHEN YOU BLOG and all em other cuss too.. Come to think of it.. When did I ever learned to say bad words.. When did I stopped? I did stopped.. Hmm.. In my defense though, I don't really say em out loud.. I just write em down.. Anyway.. gota cut it out too.. Enough with the bad mouthing

RESOLUTION # 2 WAKE UP EARLY AND BE PUNCTUAL
haha! Seriously.. Who am I kidding? haay.. I kill myself sometimes.. does this one count? okay.. we'll try this one.. hoooh..

RESOLUTION # 3 BE POSITIVE.. IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY

I will try to use the words AT LEAST as often as I can.. Look at everything in its positive angle maybe.. as to the biggest lesson learned from last year.. Never be afraid to take a chance, otherwise, life will happen and the moment will just pass you by.. along with all the good things that may have came along with it.

Riane though, is another story.. She'll always be a positive little thing no matter how worse the situation is.. No questions about my angel.

RESOLUTION # 3 SPEND MAJOR TIMES WITH FRIENDS
I know, I should be socializing.. Will rekindle old friendship too.. Missed em quite a lot.. Who knows.. I might meet the PERSON of my dreams through them.. *person?* hehe.. And yes, I know.. I wont ever turn my back on my little one.. She's my life.. But like any other, I too have my own lil needs.. Will build new bridges too.. And friends are truly God's way of saying, I never left you.. Huhu..

RESOLUTION # 4 WORK ON TRUST ISSUES

Basically, what I need to work on is.. myself, I think.. I need to trust myself.. Trust that I can handle manipulation.. Trust that I have the power over my emotions.. Trust that I shall not fail.. Trust that I will never ever trully be alone.. For I am and forever will be the emblemed in the hearts of many who ever shared a breath of air with me.. *Huh?.. Anu na sinasabi ko?* Trust.. hmm.. TRUST? owkei.. Trust then.. I should stand by my principles.. Oh and shoot.. don't let em silly songs affect your mood.. Memories are really evil noh? They are teases.. They play with your mind.. And I have a dirty mind pa naman..

RESOLUTION # 5 GO ON WITH THE ELIMINATION PROCESS

There's no reason why I should hold on to silly thoughts and what ifs and what might have beens.. Most especially when they are draining out the fluids from my brain. Let em silly thoughts go!

There's no point of waiting for the right one.. If by chance I spot someone I really like.. I will go for him.. Grab him by the neck and kiss the sanity out of him.. or her.. If he turns out to be a jerk.. So what? They can all be jerks sometimes.. If he turns out to be a good guy.. That would be great..

Uhh.. I'm not that liberated.. haha.. Good thought though.. good thought.. I'll consider it for a really really worthy fella.. or felony.. huhuy.. Not even.. Joke lang.. Nevertheless, I have discretion over my actions.. Responsible choices.. I hope I don't get another.. who'll waste me again.. us..

I don't know how to continue..
I just went blank.