The other night, I hang out with my friend, but before I went off to see them, I spent a good deal of quality time with a very special someone. Went to church, hang out.. watched a movie.. had dinner at home. It's all good. Kinda felt weird though, cos just before she went home. There was a certain disconnection that I felt between us. I couldn't read the mind and the silence pretty much said a lot. I hated how I felt. It was a familiar feeling. I panicked. I got pretty confused too. I felt that certain need to open up a discussion. It was funny.. makes me wanna laugh about it right now. I didn't, though. I rode along with the silence. It was torture. Too add up to the boggle.. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling.. I don't understand..
To get to where my friend was, it would probably take about 5 minutes to get me there. That is.. if I'd take a cab.. but then.. I've decided to go for a miniature road trip and take the jeepney instead and go for the longer way to get there. It was also good. The air was less polluted at night and the ambiance gave me time to contemplate about what happened and what didn't happen. Oddly, I didn't get anything from that road trip.. Hehe.. So anyway, I went on.. and there I was.. finally hangin out with my friend.. drinkin.. goofin around.. saw a few people from my ex-job.. laughin our a**es off.. enjoyin the moments basically.. but then.. during our affairs.. I just couldn't seem to get my mind off her.. and what she was thinking about earlier. Right there.. I figured.. I don't just like her.. I care about her.. And as weird as you might think it is.. I didn't like it.. It was against all that I stood by..
I gave her a book too some time not so long ago. The book was entitled "How to be really really really happy" by Bo Sanchez. I was suppose to finish it but I keep putting it off. I don't know.. The stories are good, but I guess I already know where he's leading to.. kinda know what he was talking about.. creepy "L" word.. and like I said.. I don't wanna be there just yet. Not even sure if I actually wanna be there. Yeah.. sure I enjoy every bit of time being happy.. and I am okay with giving, as long as I have something to give. But the trouble is that, some people will always want something more from you and we just need to give it to them so to keep them off your back.. but you know how it goes.. once they get a taste of it, they're gonna keep wanting more.. until you got nothing else to give. So I guess, Mr. Sanchez should stop writing about happiness and start workin on contentment mainly. HOW TO BE F*IN CONTENTED!!.. cos personally, I think happiness is very costly.. it involve a great deal of mess too.. and you can't just achieve it by simply buying a book.. some books are tricks to hypnotize the mind into believing everything is okay.. when in real life.. it isn't.. and some people will just f*ck you over and over until you linger in pain far too long cos you've gotten used to it.. and by the time you got off that mud hole of mess.. you feel nothing.. and you find every means to hurt yourself.. be it physically or emotionally., just so you can feel something.. with that.. paranoia can't seem to f*in find another host.. ugh!! That's what happens when you keep wanting more.. and believe me.. it will happen over and over again till you find contentment within. Contentment is way cheaper.. and safer. It doesn't matter whatever it is that you've got.. as long as you've got everything that you need.
Sorry.. I'm not mad. It's just that.. every time I try to be happy, the world seems to come crashing down upon me and I just couldn't handle it. I have all the valid reasons as to why I am not crazy enough to take any risk.. one of em is that.. I just don't like gambling.. and the rest is written in blood.
Okay.. Fine!! My reasons aren’t reasons I guess.. they’re all excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is.. I’m scared.. Terrified even.. of what's out there for me. That's why I've build these walls.. this shell.. ever so strongly.. so I can protect myself.. from everything.. anything.. not even joy nor love.. could penetrate them.. And some people, just don't get the label..
To get to where my friend was, it would probably take about 5 minutes to get me there. That is.. if I'd take a cab.. but then.. I've decided to go for a miniature road trip and take the jeepney instead and go for the longer way to get there. It was also good. The air was less polluted at night and the ambiance gave me time to contemplate about what happened and what didn't happen. Oddly, I didn't get anything from that road trip.. Hehe.. So anyway, I went on.. and there I was.. finally hangin out with my friend.. drinkin.. goofin around.. saw a few people from my ex-job.. laughin our a**es off.. enjoyin the moments basically.. but then.. during our affairs.. I just couldn't seem to get my mind off her.. and what she was thinking about earlier. Right there.. I figured.. I don't just like her.. I care about her.. And as weird as you might think it is.. I didn't like it.. It was against all that I stood by..
I gave her a book too some time not so long ago. The book was entitled "How to be really really really happy" by Bo Sanchez. I was suppose to finish it but I keep putting it off. I don't know.. The stories are good, but I guess I already know where he's leading to.. kinda know what he was talking about.. creepy "L" word.. and like I said.. I don't wanna be there just yet. Not even sure if I actually wanna be there. Yeah.. sure I enjoy every bit of time being happy.. and I am okay with giving, as long as I have something to give. But the trouble is that, some people will always want something more from you and we just need to give it to them so to keep them off your back.. but you know how it goes.. once they get a taste of it, they're gonna keep wanting more.. until you got nothing else to give. So I guess, Mr. Sanchez should stop writing about happiness and start workin on contentment mainly. HOW TO BE F*IN CONTENTED!!.. cos personally, I think happiness is very costly.. it involve a great deal of mess too.. and you can't just achieve it by simply buying a book.. some books are tricks to hypnotize the mind into believing everything is okay.. when in real life.. it isn't.. and some people will just f*ck you over and over until you linger in pain far too long cos you've gotten used to it.. and by the time you got off that mud hole of mess.. you feel nothing.. and you find every means to hurt yourself.. be it physically or emotionally., just so you can feel something.. with that.. paranoia can't seem to f*in find another host.. ugh!! That's what happens when you keep wanting more.. and believe me.. it will happen over and over again till you find contentment within. Contentment is way cheaper.. and safer. It doesn't matter whatever it is that you've got.. as long as you've got everything that you need.
Sorry.. I'm not mad. It's just that.. every time I try to be happy, the world seems to come crashing down upon me and I just couldn't handle it. I have all the valid reasons as to why I am not crazy enough to take any risk.. one of em is that.. I just don't like gambling.. and the rest is written in blood.
Okay.. Fine!! My reasons aren’t reasons I guess.. they’re all excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is.. I’m scared.. Terrified even.. of what's out there for me. That's why I've build these walls.. this shell.. ever so strongly.. so I can protect myself.. from everything.. anything.. not even joy nor love.. could penetrate them.. And some people, just don't get the label..
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