Jitterbugs??

Inspired by the picture right here, I finally finished moving in to my very own. My room's got only one window, the cabinets and the flooring are modified, mine has *eh-ehem!* air-conditioning, hehe.. and the bed's a little bit bigger. Oh, and it's pink too by the way. The color that I 've liked since I was a little girl, for reasons I know absolutely nothing about. Well, I mean my favorite color is White, Turquoise, Blue, Aquamarine and shades as such.. but subconsciously, I've been picking out a lot of Pinks lately too.. Talk about trying hard to be girly. I know, it's funny, especially since Pink is the official color of gay people.. haha!

Anyway, It's paint-smellin everywhere still. But.. The room's pretty enough for me. Looking at it though, makes me think about my previous rooms. The ones filled with bitter-sweet memories. Ugh! I moved in from one to another so that I can forget about them. Having this sentimental sh*t over matters really isn't a very good deal for me. It would be really great if only I can move on to new good memories without clingin on to the old ones. Hmm.. but see, looking at this not so very empty room, makes me imagine all sort of dirty little things to put in it. Like a dipey bin.. or a lil trash can for my little one's mess.. haha! No, seriously, how long has it been since I goofed around.. Wow.. Been a while huh?! Well, yeah, I almost had it a couple of times, but I thought, hmm.. I'm not ready yet.. My heart might not be ready too, you know.. Being so fearfull and reserved and all that i'm-so-afraid-to-fall-in-love-again-traumatized classic.. hmm.. But as I've said.. Looking at this room makes me think.. and think.. and think.. Ohhh boy.. and believe-you-me..this mind's so full of brain activities, you just couldn't imagine all that's being downloaded by it.. what goes on inside.

I'm smiling right now, cos one really sweet and cute thought just registered.. wholesome thoughts that is. See, I have a crush.. yeah, real mature of me right??.. I mean, the person's nothin but real sweet to me lately.. when we chat.. asks about my daughter.. reminds me to pray before I go to bed.. advices me to drink vitamins.. even if I don't consume any.. Well.. I'm going all malicious about the things the person's doing to me.. Maybe it's cos I'm seeing myself in that person.. sweet.. thoughtful.. caring.. all that cr*ppy things that doesn't exist in my world at the moment.. Or maybe, I just miss getting all those jitterbugs.. Those kilig moments..

I remember talking about it to one of my friends and we came to something real serious, I said something like.. "what am I doing wrong with my relationships? are they the ones whose treating me wrong, or am I just incapable of loving righteously.." and then I asked her.. "panu ba mag-mahal ng tama?" she just laughed at me.. but I know it made her think too. We always put the blame on others, but come to think of it.. Maybe it's us who's at fault here. Maybe, the more scared we are of getting hurt, we subconsciously hurt others in the process of protecting our very fragile hearts, not noticing, we become who we're afraid of. Good one huh?! That's what made me excited about welcoming not LOVE itself.. but the IDEA of falling in love. And considering myself a worthy partner.. I'm not in a hurry to get into it.. But right then, I've realized what I was doing wrong (maybe), and kept in mind how I could be a better lover.

Too bad for the most recent ones, I wasn't ready for them. They sure could've been the ones. NAaahH!! I'm not regretting anything.. It's just that.. well.. I miss how they loved me and treated me ever so nicely.. There.. I admit it. What can I say? I'm a human myself, although I seemingly may look like a goddess to some.. I walk and talk and breathe and feel just like anyone else here on Earth. Of course.. you know I'm kidding about the goddess part, right?!

Well, missing someone is just human nature, and looking at this bed.. I mean, this room.. I'm quite seeing a potential on this one crush. But.. I won't speak so soon.. I mean.. it's just a crush.. and, sure.. my heart has cooled down and my mind's a bit more dominant right now. I wouldn't want anyone to ruin my progress for me. I know he's just around the corner.. or her.. who knows.. D*mn!! I'm daydreaming again. It's my fault I guess.. Putting up this Frankie J, Avant and Stevie Hoang's music in the background of all this pinkness.

Funny how I told my friend about how I felt and she just replied.. "Besy, anu ka ba?! l***g lang yan, mag tigil ka nga jan!" haha.. the next thing I know, she's posting something on her wall that goes like this..

i miss having to call me "my own".. to share my everyday life with.. to argue with the silliest reason possible.. to call at the middle of the night juz to say "iloveu" or "imisu"..& for the record.. i miss being a GIRLFRIEND

Wow.. one thing I couldn't admit to myself.. and she said it almost so perfectly. I would've said it in a much better way.. Only.. I couldn't accept and face it.. ang dami kong paligoy ligoy.. When in fact.. I do.. miss being a girlfriend myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a couple wanting to join my list.. but.. I just can't go for anyone right? It's not me being pihikan.. but like what Jossie Gellar said..

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.

Get my point?!
Now.. here's to hoping.