Sa totoo lang

Everyday I go to work from 12am up to 9am. I take a bath for long hours and I walk around everywhere afterwards. If I get the chance to drink with my co-workers, I grab it and I stay at the workplace for long hours, until there is no one to talk to anymore. I get two hours of sleep the most and I rarely stay at one place without doing anything. I seldom sleep in my room and I take my naps downstairs where there is a lot of noise from the television.

Before I sleep and upon waking up I puff yosi. I can finish a packet at one sitting and I started drinking coffee even if I don't like the thing.. I'm quite addicted to it actually. I keep myself busy and I don't want to talk to people who doesn't say much because I tend to tell my story.. and they seem to be very interested with it. I watch CSI and Suspense Movies and a lot of Sci-Fi's and I try to avoid romantic flicks or even movies with a bit of a sentiment in it. I secretly get offended by the most petty jokes about broken relationships and even if they were not addressed to me, I get so confused in an instant. I comment on happy stories of my peers so vaguely.. about their love life.. their dates and how I secretly envy couples who has been together for more years.. I secretly shrug at people who get heart-b*tch-broken over years of commitment ending real bad.. Huh!? Ganun.. Ewan ko rin eh.. I'm under a lot of stress and sa totoo lang po.. ang sama na ng pakiramdam ko.

I tried shopping. It didn't help. Nauubos sweldo ko..and with what? Shoes? Ones I don't even use. I don't want to lend it to my sisters because I tend to place them only for display in my room for admiration purposes. I wear them a lot inside the house as I walk around doing nothing at all.

I bought my favorite perfume..the best in the world for me.. but could I even consume two of them at a time? I bought some gifts for my friends and I was so f*cking hesitant and fearful during the purchase because I felt they would not appreciate what I would give. My best friend though, made it clear to me..that she loved my gift. I know she did liked it.. cos I did too. Wow.. that one was a big deal for me. It kind of eased out the confusion and tension for moment in time.

However, I don't wanna go to work anymore. I'm so tired. Even if I'm not doing anything..tears starts to fall down my face. Silly thing is, at one time, while I was working.. and talking to a client.. Tears started falling for no particular f*cking reason at all. The client doesn't even have anything to do with it. Sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko and I'm quite tired of saying I'm tired. I just wanna drop dead. And literally, my head is aching so badly.. and I feel like I deserve more than two hours of sleep. What's happening to me God? I try to look for other past time but I can't. I want to buy an Ipod but I can't listen to music because it will lead to more pathetic reminiscing and more thinking. I want to buy DVD's.. but I believe there would be more to think about while watching.

I think with all these stress.. I'm soon to fade.. GREAT! I've been real busy.. and I want to get some real rest.. I can't stop moving kase.. I don't want to explore my mind.. It's quite a very dangerous little space and a bit being a hazard to me.

Like the a couple of thoughts right now..

"I never knew.. And after I have found out.. I never messed up anyone's life.."

"So, if that's the case why mess up with my mind..??"

"What more is there to say.."

"Even a little sorry?" *asa ko B*bo! saka g*go wag na!*

"Misser" *why?*

"Bakit biglaan?" *mam*tay kna roan! g*go! tanong ka pa*

"Diba nilag lag sa lahat?"

"Sinira sa ibang tao"

"Why justify everything?"

"Unfair..why not k*ll me instead"

"I want Marlboro Lights.."

"Gusto ko din ng coke..yung malamig na malamig na malamig.."

"Pwdeng cherry coke.."

"Hard feelings?"

None right? No hard feelings.. It's all just a matter of me.. adjusting to a f*cked up situation.. Provided by a f*cked up mind of a f*cked up person who has a 100% disregard for my humanity.

"Never would've trusted you were respected.."
"What could've been if I never fell.."

"Would I feel as much pain"

"Would I loved as much.."

That's life.. You win some.. You lose even a lot more.. And some f*cking weakling like me couldn't do anything about it..

"If I die.. would I ever go to heaven?

I wrote down my passwords on my Blank Book.. YM's Imeems, Friendster.. as well as the one from my Locker at work..

"I am humbled.. a couple of times.."

"Humiliated.. a lot of times.."
"Disrespected.. by the one person I ever.. truly loved.."

"Lost gambling.. once again.."

I know I said I'm not good at betting on anything.. I always lose when I gamble..

"All I want for Christmas is you.."

A peek inside my mind
I don't want o think for now..