I am Bionic *just need some new batteries*

New Year Scenario..
He left.. I cried a little.. I damped a little of this.. Where's that thing.. This Eryhromycin on my eyes.. Sa baby ko yun eh.. She endured from my delivery a little.. parang rashes sa eyes.. Ayun nga.. I placed it on my eyes para hindi halata na umiyak.. Trip lang.. Hala.. Namaga lalo.. Twas like I cried for five months.. Haha.. like i didn't?.. Anyway.. Should have taken a picture.. Kadeers.. Natawa tuloy si Ekok..
I was in my room, internet connection was lame.. Just opened my window.. My Riane is asleep, thank God.. I was up all dawn because she kept crying.. Maybe she can feel my pain.. Haha.. Crappy song.. I like the background..

"Every night I cry myself to sleep, thinking why does this happen to me. Why does every moment have to be so hard? Hard to believe it.."
"It's not over tonight. Just give me one chance to make it right. I may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you.."

I'm really stuck in the past.. Listen to me.. I sound so pathetic.. Recently.. I noticed that I am only when this f*cking L word is involved.. I'm not so right in the head when I'm in-f*ckin-love.. That, or maybe I'm not supposed to be.. Or maybe I haven't found my match yet.. The one person who can pretty much handle me.. Right on the neck.. Yeah.. My man.. My strong tough man.. Someone who knows what he wants.. Someone who doesn't give up that easily.. Someone who's gona scare the crap out of me.. (yhaks, babui).. Scare tactics not in a form of a threat but cos you respect the person too much.. for the fact that he stand by his beliefs and principles and that he respects yours too and does not contradict you all the time for them silly said beliefs.. A man of his words.. Someone who understands my undesiciveness and who is capable of pointing out my mistakes without making me feel bad about myself. Someone who lets me win even though it is obvious that I'm losing.. Oh and here's my favorite.. Someone I could make out with for the rest of our lives.. Hmm.. Well.. Until maybe we can.. haha! Goodness.. I'm in a f*cking fantasy world.. These are the exact b*llsh*t that I've been holding on to since I could remember.. The same b*llsh*ts that gets me into trouble on the first place.. The reasons why I'm broken all the time. Should I stand by a world full of things none mentioned above.. I'd be called a cynic.. Should I live in the world of the ugliest truths and try to show them to other people, I'd be a negative thinker.. What should I do? Play it like it is..Toy with stupid men.. Or women (haha) who thinks they can do anything to other people.. Me in particular.. Huh? Take all the crapy things they have to give you and pretend it's okay?
My sisters and I were having our little chit chats the other day during breakfast and they saw my eyes were all swollen again
"Anoh? Umiyak ka na naman?!"
"Hindi noh.. Puyat lang.."
"Masukista ka noh?!"
"Puyat nga lang.."
" blah blah blah.."
Haha.. And we had our debate and they were making fun of me.. They said I enjoy pain.. I'd go for things that is painful and that I wanted to keep harmful people in my life.. ones who injures me emotionally.. They think I like living in the ugly truth.. When there is also another thing called the beautiful truth.. And that I should only settle for those.. They think I'm intentionally hurting myself cos it satisfies me.. In silence, they made me tell myself..
Maybe.. I should lay out all the things that would make me happy and that if other people won't buy them.. I should then sell it to ones who would..

(Hmm.. Tama ba? English kasi ko ng english eh.. Tagalog naman usapan namin.. haha)

"Masukista ka nga! haha! Hirap ka to let pain go"

"Bakit ba gusto mong nasasaktan ka.."

"Oo nga.. wala ka namang problema, gumagawa ka eh.."

I told them..

"Probably, the same reason why Belle loved the Beast.. cos she believed that somewhere within all the ugliness outside.. there is a bit of goodness that lies within.. At saka Beasts lang nakakasalamuha ko eh.. Bakit ba"

Ayan.. taglish kami ng mga sisters na suzette..

And the debate goes on until siningit na naman ni Mami yung pang chi-chix ni Tatay.. so we all had to leave the table.. Hay..

I guess all's fair in love and war.. I read a couple of articles a while back.. I figured, one is always allowed to be deceitful or lie so just to get the person one truly loves or desire.. I on the other hand, am always on the losing end when caught in situations as such.. I'm not very good with competitions.. Most of the time, I tend to be misled. Another thing is that, i often try to dodge or avoid situations that may lead to the L word even though my whole soul is so much attracted to the idea.. I tend to defy my heart.. this stupid heart has always been to much of a coward since.. since the last time it got shattered into pieces.. (arte).. The truth is, I usually do everything to win a person's heart too.. I beg.. crawl.. even court em and please em.. Whatever it takes dude.. But then.. I have gotten used to the idea of heartbreaks.. It's the same old story and crap.. I'm sick of it.. I also have problems with people leaving.. I don't like endings.. I don't enjoy goodbyes.. I cry when it is parting time.. I don't enjoy being the one left behind.. Huhu.. Up until now.. Quite mastered the cynicism towards Hellos and quite frankly, I'm sick of myself being this way.. Loving people secretly.. (nyaks..prang stalker dating haha!) What I meant to say is.. I'm sick of being a coward.. Sick of all these fears getting the most out of me.. I should fight like there's no tomorrow (fight-love).. Heck yeah..

to be continued..