Father's Day? Oh boy, this is gonna hurt..

I remember how I used to play alone with my dolls when I was a child. I'd sit on a miniature wooden rocking chair and talk to these beautiful things. My mommy said that I was three during those times and she said that it's amazing how I can still recall them. Hmm.. Maybe it's cos of the pictures. The pictures that my father kept all these years. Ah, my father.. My man.. The first man I've ever loved.. I'm his little princess, you know. And it's funny how, even up until now, he still hugs me and kisses me on my head. He tickles me like I'm a little girl. He attempts to carry me in front of our house when I come home from work. It's silly. You can imagine how ridiculous it is being 29ish. It's irritating. But at the same time, it's magical. These are moments that I will remember until I pass away.

My mom's so lucky to have my dad.. and she doesn't even know it. She complains about him.. I don't even understand the things she complains about. She's so immature in some ways. I mean, he married her.. gave her a house to be a home.. gave her five beautiful children who loves them so much. He provided for us. He showed us how good he is to my mom.. even though I've felt like he could have been somewhere else.. living a different life.. He stayed. He protected us.. therefore, he's my hero.

Not everyone gets to be as lucky as my mom. I don't even know if I'll find someone who'll take care of me like how my father takes care of her. I know I'm just like any other normal girl who played with Barbie dolls. I've been planning my very own wedding since I was 10. I dreamed of my very own prince charming who'll take me away to his own castle on top of the hill and father my own little royal babies.. It's silly how I pictured it would be Leonardo "Romeo" di Caprio but unfortunately he has a princess of his own now so, I had to get over him.. haha! It's okay. God will make a way for me. He always does. He's the greatest dad amongst all dads.
Everything is just right.. I play the dad and mom's role.. So well.. that it terrifies me na with all the things I've been able to battle out on my own, someone will come in and out of our lives as they please.. and probably.. out of an inconsistent-stupid spur of the moment-conscience attack.. most likely, due to a severe alcohol intoxication.. and then, unintentionally hogs all the glory out of all the things that I've worked hard for. Say, an unexpected night.. a random stranger makes his presence known.. what will I do? panic perhaps? and then after that.. this person pleads temporary insanity just so he can go back to his daily floundering routine. It's not gonna be funny at all. I may tremble when I learn his name.

His mere existence may scare the s*#t out of me. I may fear him like how vampires fear the sunlight. I seriously feel like this type of person would take away what's left out of my womanhood.. you know? ugh!! So hard to explain these things.. but let me put it this way.. now.. since I've been stripped out off almost everything, the only thing that I could level up to would have to be.. a great mother level.. well in my case.. a MILF too.. lol..

With all that I believe in, I wouldn't want such creature ruining it for us. All those efforts includes the time I've understood that some of the relationships I've had isn't real and raising a child alone isn't so bad after all. It also included the time I've learned to ignore all the mean things they say about me behind my back.. also all the things they claimed I have become when I was pregnant because of what I felt back then due to some hormonal imbalance.. all that they say about how Riane's mother is.. I've conquered them all.. I've moved on.. on my own.. and my daughter will never ever hear these things because none of them is me!

I have been tougher.. braver.. stronger than that pathetic little kid who dreams about rubbish Romeo and Juliet beginnings. I have been that girl with a heart of stone which only beats for the entity that lets her live. I am now that woman who'll do anything so for her princess to have her own fairy tale come true..

It terrifies me, that I won't be enough for my little one. I'm terrified that someday, she'll blame me for things she knows nothing about.. Especially, when all that I'm doing right now is for her to live and for her to have a great future ahead of her. Would I be enough? Would she need someone else while I'm here staying up all night, working hard, waking up every after an hour just so I can acknowledge that I'm ready to play with her.. pushing my body and strength to its limits just so I can keep up with this dog eat dog world.. I'm living for her. I'm giving up so much cos she's all that matters to me. God, I'm not even falling in love.. and I'm not about to start complaining. I can't be broken by random strangers. She can't have a broken mommy. I have to be tough.. No fool have the right to mess me up like that ever again. I won't ever make excuses for other's absence. D*mn! I'm not about to cover up for some sorry ass!

Some strangers in this world doesn't even know who I am baby. Considering the choices they made. I hope these strangers get on with their self made lives. Get married for all I care, then maybe they can be what they claim to be in their own little lives. Not in my life.. Not ever in yours. It's gonna be you and me baby.. Until you find no more use for mommy. I love you so much my daughter.

Happy fathers day? Yes.. To my Tatay.. My friends and their fathers.. to those who plays the part even if they didn't have to.. and most especially to my ever dearest Heavenly Father. I love You so much po. Please protect us all the time. Thank You for everything dear Lord God..

Don't hate me, my child. Sure you have someone else's name.. but you'll always be mommy's life.