I'm broken today

I hurt all the time. What difference does this one make? Nothing, I presume. It's just been a lifetime routine for me to be broken and hurt by people I trust my heart with. I shouldn't fuss about it. I should gladly accept my fate. I'm gonna make like Ghost Rider and burn here on earth.

"I'm gonna take this curse..and use it against.."

Who?..Nobody gave this curse to me. God certainly didn't will for me to be broken today. I brought this upon myself. I learned that we all have choices. God made sure He couldn't meddle with His own gift of freewill.. or did He?.. Hmm.. God is really smart you know.. Anyway, We make who we are (with God's guidance, of course). I believe I can go on and live a free life with a big heart armour and protection from any possible heart invader or conqueror.. I believe I can break as many hearts as often as I chose to.. I believe no one can hurt me or break me.. I believe I can love as many as I want to.. Heck, I can be a temptress and a tease for all I care.. if only I would chose to.

And yet, I chose to love one person. I chose to reject all who may possibly treat me like I was their life. I chose to close my doors to possible growth and self-fulfilment because I thought I was loved and that I couldn't ask for more. I chose to be humiliated and put into scandalous situations because I thought every fight was worth the togetherness. I chose to accept the fact that I will never be a number one priority..ever. I chose to be taken for granted and accept the love given with a lot of conditions and ifs.

I believe we can have anything we want if we would just put our mind and heart into it. I don't believe the saying "if it's meant to be..then it's meant to be.." What I truly believe is that WE MAKE OUR DESTINY.. if things fail.. it's because you didn't want it bad enough. Hunger is the key. But why do I feel like all the forces of nature is trying to tell me that, all the things I believe in is a whole lot of cr*p?! Can't we really have what we want mommy nature? I beg to differ. Pride is the only thing that keeps people from getting what they really want..and I seriously don't have that in my system. I crave, I plea, I kneel, I cry and I beg as my last resort to getting what I want. And before I even force myself into my last resort, I make irresistible offers such as love, patience and I'd even stand up and fight for you..against anyone..ANYONE!

God, maybe that's my problem. Maybe I give too much of myself to the one person I chose to be with and that they can't find any challenge from me. Well if that's the case..I probably chose to be a loser. Who wants a loser?! A loser who is all out for you and would probably give you anything she possibly can.. Someone who will risk her life for you even though she is the one who needs to be saved.. Someone who will be there for you whether you like it or not.. Someone who will protect you even if you don't need protection.. Someone who would always want to wake up beside you every single morning of your life and wouldn't care about how you looked.. Someone who will love you until you grow old and starts growing a lot of gray hair..
That is probably the kind of loser that I am.. and who wants that?

None that I want..

Whatever.. Who cares anyway.. See yah..