Wala lang to

As I was sitting outside enjoying the cool breeze from a normal afternoon, thoughts from everywhere came crashing in my head in an instant. I could not start to grasp one specific thought to ponder. My brain got so busy and now.. My heart seems to take most of it seriously. I've been drowning myself over senseless endeavors and been very childish for a while, when I'm supposed to think of what really matters. Nothing really mattered to me.. I take things as they come.. I forgot I'm all grown up and that there are greater things in this world which we really need to pay attention to.. Like world peace and hunger..(wow).. and I realized.. I can make things happen pala. Come to think of it.. I am very good at making things happen. Things I really.. really want to happen..

The thing is, I am so in love with my family.. I haven't noticed that before. I never said it once.. I mean.. I did said I love them.. I just thought.. I never meant it enough. I don't usually hold grudges in my heart cos grudges wear people down. When they don't have the strength to be angry anymore.. One tends to give up.. Even the body wears out.. While as to when one is happy.. You can't seem to get enough of the energy your wholeness fits in to.. (not making sense?)

What I'm trying to say is.. I hate how people do mean stuff to other people. It makes me want to change things. I love a lot and when people do mean stuff to people who matters to me.. I want to get even by providing these people stuff they are being deprived of.. I don't even care if I'm doing it right (playing the hero), all I care about is that I am playing on the team that I was assigned to be in..

Went to my friends yesterday (naki fiesta). Great conversation na walang sense.. Tawanan for reasons that may appear of no importance to others.. I learned that the guy.. my best friend loved.. (who by the way made a great mistake hurtin besy) is making a come-back sa life nya again.. I hated that guy.. I remember how I wanted to punch his face til it bled to my enjoyment. I wanted to confront the guy cos I once knew how it feels to be f*ckin cheated on (hmm..??) and yes.. I know how it felt to be so sorry for cheating too. To which one hurts more.. you decide na lang..

I confronted the guy.. I asked him "mahal mo sha?" Nag pipigil nako. I was so ready to hear his "No.." about to nag and hit him afterwards but then.. He said.. "Oo.. wala ako dito kung hinde.." Still not convinced.. I was gonna slap him still, was grinning with a very doutful and furious look.. but then he said.. "Teka.. Hayaan mo ko mag-paliwanag.."

I did.. with a great control over my fist.. (Skinny man ako.. Palaban to noh!)
He explained a lot of things.. and surprisingly.. I kind of believed him.. My loyalty to my friends is strong.. But I know a sincere statement when I hear it. Being the idealist that I am is a very crappy disadvantage to my persona. To sum it all up.. they talked.. and I believe, may continuation pa yon.. I don't know if I made the right decision. Dapat ba I controlled the situation? I somehow knew kasi na she would be very happy kung mang yayari yung gusto nya.. I told her na lang.. I couldn't prevent bad things to happen.. I can't keep you from being happy.. All I could do is give her the benefit of the doubt.. trust her.. and if ever she fails.. I would be there for her.. I even told her.. Aabsent talaga ko.. I will always find time for her..

Moving on..

The mother of my father.. I mean my grandmother is sick.. (seems there is a little hostility?? a lot maybe..haha! wala noh!!) She's there sa bed nya.. Resting lang.. My tita is watching over her.. Dalawa lang sila magkapatid ni Tatay.. Si Tatay? He's being the great Tatay that he is.. You know what? Let me tell you something about him. My father is my hero. He's my ideal man. A good provider.. Not that funny minsan kasi mejo seryoso.. Pag nag jojoke, natatawa ako kasi minsan di ko ma-gets.. Kaya natatawa ko sa sarili ko.. May mga banat din yon na matitindi, kala moh!.. Mapapa isip ka talaga. He's really witty.. Madaming alam.. He likes to read.. Mabutingting sa mga kung anu anong mga bagay. He has his own room nga of kung anu ano.. But none of us gets the chance to see what's inside the mysterious room of the unknown.. I mean.. Off limits kami eh.. Siguro gumagawa sha ng space ship nya don.. haha.. Malamang sa kanya ko na mana yung pagiging mabuting ting.. I remember kase, there are times I could fix broken electronic stuff sa bahay.. Like pag sira yung dvd player.. Pag sira yung fan.. or yung door.. basta.. I wonder how I could fix them.. La naman ako alam sa electronics.. Blue wire? Red wire? BOOM!

If given the chance to be a daughter of some other guy.. could I have chosen to be an Ayala.. a Marcos.. or a Hilton.. perhaps a Windsor. Haha!! no way.. I'd still be a DIMAPASOC! Proud to be! May not have that much dinero or popularity.. My tatay spoiled me in ways I could not complain about.. I am a princess in my Tatay's, the King, own life.. And with that.. the princess will also be the general of the King's army.. or whatever you call the one who protects the king.. I would fight his battle.. to my very last breath. May have been a prodigal daughter doing things I clumsily chose to.. May have hurt the King unintentionally.. God knows.. Ay talaga naman.. Basta.. Naku... And how I wolud be crushed and burned alive if my family gets hurt.. Lalo na Tatay ko.. Ay! T*ng *na talaga.. Susubok ka pa lang sabog na bituka mo.. (ang morbid) pero something like that.. My father is the wind beneath my wings.. You get what I'm saying? I tend not to care about other people lalu na pag binabastos yung mga taong sobrang importante sakin.

I'm sorry God if I have been welcoming all this fury. I don't mean not to care. I just hate how people can be so selfish. I learned a lot earlier.. I did not like what I learned.. I've been hearing bad stuff na before.. But I was not minding them.. My lolo probably knew what to do. I don't like hating people.. especially pag ganyan.. Kase naman.. Saktan mo ko, sure I'll take it.. Kill me if you can.. Just don't mess with my family.. You wouldn't have my sympathy..

I'm too smart to feel this much grudges over stuff I could not explain bluntly in words.. basta.. I understand na I'm being insensible.. I'm sorry.. It's just my nature.. Reaction lang ng mga nag mamahal..

Forgive me Lord kung ganito nafefeel ko.. Guide me po.. I know everything will be all right in the end.. Please take good care of me.. So that I could take care of them->my family, friends and people who matters to me.. Please protect them for always.. and yung mga nag mamahal sa kanila.. Para po marami pa mag protect sa kanila..